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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants a prenup!

590 replies

HappyHattie · 17/01/2019 00:05

I’ve taken legal advice so fully understand how they do/don’t work- not looking for technical advice just opinions on whether IABU??

I am 27 DP is 32 - he earns 3x my salary. (mine is respectable and I’ve just completed a masters so will increase).

DP owned his home with about £150k of equity before we met. (He paid top end of the asking price so has not gained value and may lose a bit post Brexit)

Anyway we’re financially merged- joint accounts- I’ve never held anything back from him- including my £7k of savings when I moved in. (I know I still don’t match his income but still)

He did mention getting something in writing to protect his £150k much earlier in the relationship - fine, I was happy with that- my sibling has one as he had a large inheritance- I’ve always been independent!

But now we’re actually getting married - my £7k of savings has been swallowed up, I’m not yet named on the mortgage and we’re both wanting to start a family post wedding (2-3 kids).

The plan is I’ll drop down to PT - only today whilst talking it through with a solicitor did I realise how vulnerable I’ll be leaving myself!

I don’t want to have small children and work FT (my career is demanding and DP whilst eager to help is very much consumed by his career and often works away for short periods) I work with so many women who try to juggle this and their lives look miserable! I’d rather not have children than live like that!

So this evening I’ve been really deflated- feeling like I’m getting the shit end of the stick really - I’m not after his money (not at all) but equally I don’t really want to be drafting up a 14 page prenup which even the solicitor said ‘is likely to get quite complicated’

It also seems like it’s going to escalate from ‘protecting the £150k’ to also including inheritance, pensions, earnings...etc.

I didn’t sign up for not being a ‘team’ if I wanted to build a financial future alone - I wouldn’t be getting married.

I’m probably ABU 😞 but would appreciate some opinions!

(DP is a wonderful guy - honestly 10/10 on everything else but he had a really bad experience as a teen when he lost his parent and their very recent new spouse tried to take everything- think this has made him overly cautious)

OP posts:
EngagedAgain · 19/01/2019 10:25

Hear hear Gina, spot on!

Hiphopopotamous · 19/01/2019 10:35

The 150k from his side, in a house that was overspent on and isn't worth any more now, and you won't sell for a while is not a great asset. The money would do better earning the awful amount of interest in a bank.

You both sound like you have good jobs and have a good amount of savings. It would level the playing field between you to sell the house and buy a joint house. Then you will be doing more than paying 50% of all bills on a house you only get 25% of.

I'd never sign the prenup. I didn't make my husband sign one for the money my parents gave me for our house. We are equal partners and give more to the relationship than money.

MsTSwift · 19/01/2019 10:47

I provided all the deposit for our first home as newly weds pre nup didn’t even occur to me for a moment

Teateaandmoretea · 19/01/2019 11:10

Any prenup needs to be fair and protect both. Protecting future pension etc is just wrong. He sounds mean to me, if he is intending to have DC with you and presumably earns well the house should be a joint asset. I certainly wouldn't give up work to look after this man's children ....! Looks like a one way trip to poverty to me.

Crazycrazylady · 19/01/2019 12:54

Another one who doesn't feel it's unreasonable for someone to protect themselves. I see marriages lasting only a year or two for all sorts of reasons and in than instance you would be entitled to half the equity in the home which I don't feel would be fair. I think an financial agreement detailing what should happens in the event of an early split. Split after kids etc isn't a bad idea. It doesn't have to be all or nothing

bastardkitty · 19/01/2019 13:04

That's not true though!

helpmum2003 · 19/01/2019 13:10

What is your gut feeling about his understanding of the contribution of the SAHP to a marriage?

flyingspaghettimonster · 19/01/2019 13:16

Don't fall for tge 'shy, academic type' isn't likely to cheat, only partner thing. Academic types are among the most likely to cheat over the years... working very closely with colleagues who understand their exact area of interest... going to conferences worldwide etc. I have spent the last 14 years watching all our friends in a science field going through various affairs, break ups and emotional affairs... and also seen several breal off serious relatuonships/engagements for a colleague. My own husband had an emotional affair in the 4 months between our wedding and me moving to be with him, becaise as a shy academic type with only one partner since his teens (me) he was totally unprepared for the attention he would get with a cute british accent... luckily it didn't move beyond a crush, but it still damaged our relationship as I was stuck in England, pregnant and alone waiting for the baby to arrive so I could join him.

If he had wanted a prenup I would never have signed. I havent worked in almost 20 years while raising his kids and visa reasons. If we divorced now, I am practically unemployable after so long with my own potential wasted...

TriciaH87 · 19/01/2019 13:25

I suggest talking it through. Asking exactly what his planning to protect. Tell him if you are paying a share on the mortgage you want that caculated into a percentage and the deeds to reflect that as your share of the house. Also if he wants a pre nup i would ask for a clause that its void if he has an affair for instance and for it to state exactly what he will contribute towards each future child per month if a divorce was to occur so that he can't make that aspect difficult forcing you too stay because your financially dependant on him once having children and reducing hours. Say if his willing to cover your concerns in it then ok but otherwise your not sure you want to marry a person who is already thinking about your divorce. Personally my partners mum paid the deposit on our house we both pay the mortgage but i am not on it due to credit rating. However its agreed that if we sell his mums money goes back to her the rest is split 50 50. We have 2 kids and been together 10 years. His mum has had 2 divorces so his mentioned pre nup in past my response was after all these years if thats your main concern we wont get married at all. He knows from seeing situation with my eldest sons father that so long as he supports his child i won't take him for anything that is not mine.

Ribbonsonabox · 19/01/2019 13:28

I would never have married someone who asked for a prenup. Regardless of how wealthy they were. I would never ask for a prenup with someone I wanted to marry regardless of how wealthy I was. I think you're off to an incredibly bad start if even before the wedding you cannot trust who you are marrying and you are not viewing yourself as a real partnership... what is the point of marrying at all? Imo when you marry you become a family and everything you own belongs to both of you.

Ribbonsonabox · 19/01/2019 13:33

And like pp I provided 100 grand deposit to buy a house, all of my savings, when I married. I am also a SAHM so the house is just in my husbands name. But my husbands earnings go into our bank account and we both have access to everything. No one has 'their money'. That would be ridiculous. We have two children and we are a family working together for the benefit of all of us. I stay home so he can progress in his career. You cant put random financial values on these things. We are a family unit and we both contribute to the money we bring in and the money that we brought in from before we were married. I just dont see why anyone would marry at all if they wanted to keep everything separate? I mean what is the point? Marriage is supposed to indicate your willingness to consider yourself one family.

Tinkobell · 19/01/2019 13:37

My DH gets him wanting to protect his £150k for a short while...but nothing more than that. It actually flies in the face of everything that marriage ought to be about; 'for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health ...etc'.

Wasafatmum42 · 19/01/2019 13:38

prenup is a good idea but I think it just questions the morality of the other person that if this doesn't work you are homeless and he is sorted whichever way, I would add the 7k in the prenup as well it just safe guards you if things don't go well in other words hes going to have a roof over his head and you have at least money to rent somewhere the 7k is your security

Teateaandmoretea · 19/01/2019 15:12

I just dont see why anyone would marry at all if they wanted to keep everything separate? I mean what is the point? Marriage is supposed to indicate your willingness to consider yourself one family.

The one issue with not being married is status as next of kin. For me prenups are for couples without children. If I split up with DH and married again I would want a prenup. But I wouldn't be having children with him/ he wouldn't be giving up work to look after the family so the situation would be completely different.

Inliverpool1 · 19/01/2019 15:48

Ribbonsonabox - the issue is in the eyes of many judges, years spent at home raising children count for nothing. I honestly do not know why any woman would stay at home nowadays, you get cruisfied for it

Teasie · 19/01/2019 15:50

OP- run a mile! Years ago I walked away 2 months before I was due to get married to someone who was older than me, had his own house, investment property etc and I had similar misgivings about marrying him. We spoke to his solicitor about making sure his assets were protected if anything went awry and it all felt way too transactional to me. He also said that if we had kids and I wanted to work I had to pay for childcare because it would be my choice. On surface, he seemed like a successful, middle class, well spoken ‘catch’ of a chap but he really was a calculating, money obsessed and incredibly selfish twat. Not a week goes by where I don’t congratulate myself for leaving him. I’m now in a happy marriage where my husband sees me as equal. Walk away OP!

MsTSwift · 19/01/2019 16:35

Teasie I also have a few “thank Christ I didn’t marry him” thoughts about my ex. Hopefully ops current chap will end up being her “one I am glad I got away from”...

mummies96 · 19/01/2019 17:32

hells bells don't get married.

Tentomidnight · 19/01/2019 22:44

Are you still reading, OP?

jessstan2 · 19/01/2019 23:32

I think prenups are very sensible. I never had any money and neither did my husband when we married but if I had been well off or owned property, I'd certainly have considered it.

Londonmamabychance · 20/01/2019 09:45

I think you need to reconsider your relationship, this sounds like a bad set up for having kids. You're likely
To g t your career stalled when having kids if going part time, and if he isn't not the type of guy who will see your contribution as a mum as e happy galaibalr and support you in this, also financially, you'll
Be in for a rough ride
So

ferrier · 20/01/2019 16:17

No way should you agree to that prenup if you plan on being a sahp.

LovelyIssues · 20/01/2019 18:19

He sounds very selfish and has a sad way of thinking

IrmaFayLear · 21/01/2019 18:49

I understand a prenup if one partner is already extremely wealthy (not £150K!), is somehow tied to a family firm, or the people in question are older with some baggage (existing children).

However, two young people with no pasts and only future... then a prenup is odd and implies that one partner is not 100% in and has trust issues. And as for protecting future earnings and pension - wtf?! This is lunacy.

Btw, heartily agree with pp who observed that nerdy academics are ones to watch... In my experience the men most likely to go berserk with younger women are those who weren't much of a catch in their youth. I've seen it time and time again: it doesn't matter which profession; when someone acquires some status/money, they grow 6" in height and are strutting round like a peacock.

Hoopaloop · 21/01/2019 22:07

Get your ducks in a line and LTB.