To have called him out in a spectacularly rude way..

[KittyVonCatsworth]

I know I need to manage my emotions and subsequent actions / behaviour better. I try, I really do bite my tongue but even holding it in I've just got one of those easy to read faces. Even when I'm trying to look nonplussed, people can obviously tell ( my manager commented about it just recently). However, I was just instantly triggered today and if I don't learn new techniques I'm never going to be one of those leaders that I aspire to be.

Today, a member of the team who I've had issues with answers the office phone and was quite abrupt with them. Another member of the team asked who it was after he finished the call and he replied 'just some tart from EDF'. It instantly got my heckles up and I said 'when I thought I couldn't dislike you any more than I do, you call women tarts you repulsive old cunt'. I then went a bit further with a character assassination. In my head and in my heart this is what I felt and IWBU, but I really want to know how others maintain a breezy, professional demeanour. I think eventually my tongue will be my downfall.

Please don't suggest I should apologise to him though, he's going in 2 weeks and his feelings aren't that important to me as he has the self awareness of a stick (which I also mentioned) so it would make no difference.

How do people manage their thoughts not manifesting into words and actions? This isn't necessary about the context of this example so I'm not looking for flaming or congratulations, just techniques if you have them.

getaway - aprrently not a troll !!

I dunno OP. Techniques... You could try standing in front of a pleasant person and repeat "I wish I could switch places with her for just one day" several times and hope that some sort of magical "Freaky Friday" style event takes place. Then, after a lot of hilarious high jinks, you eventually might learn some empathy for other humans?

Otherwise I think you're fucked, because although you realise that what you said won't get you places in management, I don't think for a second you think that what you did was actually wrong - you just worry it looks bad for you.

Gosh. This is so unbelievable to me.

Either - you are the type of person who thinks respectful language matters and therefore would not use derogatory language yourself.

Or - you are not.

He insulted a woman he doesn't know, out of earshot, by calling her "some tart".

You insulted someone you do know by calling them a "repulsive old cunt" on the back of saying you didn't like them anyway. And then you carried on ("character assassination")

You are 100% correct in thinking you will never be the type of manager you aspire to if you cannot give the WORST member of your team the BEST of yourself.

donquixote had excellent advice for you. Develop empathy.

Fucking hell!

@jack11 quoting you here 'You also need to learn to take responsibility for your actions (being provoked is not an excuse for unprofessional conduct) and care about what people think- even if you don't like them'
You make a really valid point, not so much on whether I like them or not, it's more to do with whether I respect them or not and how I stop that influencing my reaction to them and behave professionally. I can be quite black and white in respect that if you work well, do a decent job and you're reasonable committed to doing a good job then respect is earned. This transfers into a good personal relationship too. I have managed people in the past (I don't manage anyone just now( and those who have shown these values work well with me and I'm really fortunate that I've had that type of person working with and for me who I speak highly if and vice versa (according to upward feedback). I need to figure out how to manage working with people that don't hold the same work ethic, both positively (I get insecure if I don't think I am working at a higher level as my counterparts) and negatively, as per post. So those who are intent in highlighting and reaffirming my inadequacies, I've done it for you if you'd care to read

I'm not looking for flaming or congratulations, just techniques if you have them.

What techniques do you honestly, really, 100% NEED, though?

Professional people in professional environments adapt to the environment. Watch and learn. Know what is acceptable and what is not.

No idea how old you are, or how long you've worked where you have, or anything. And your manager sounds ... odd... to react to "I called Brian a repulsive old cunt" with just a mild "I wouldn't have put it like that..." comment. So perhaps your environment is fucked up and you don't realise because you are terrifically young and naive.

If so, educate yourself sharpish.

Trigger: That person said something unacceptable. So unacceptable I need to pull them up on it.

Technique: Deep breath, channel inner grown-up/rational adult as a PP
said: Brian, that was uncalled for, please don't use derogatory language. It's not appropriate.

Job done. Breathe and move on.

If I’m finding it hard to keep calm then I try to imagine that the whole interaction is being filmed and I’ll be made to watch it with someone I really respect.

But honestly I don’t agree about your trigger points. Obviously I have things that wind me up but I can and do control my reactions to them.

Your line manager should not be in his job if what he said to you is it. He is opening the company up to so much risk.

YABVU
You are a mature adult.
Adults are able to choose their behaviour. So behave like one and think before you speak.

@Ariadne, no troll, you're right - do you fancy casting up some previous threads to prove it because I'm sure you've searched my username. Maybe you could use some of my PP to highlight how IWBU. Feel free.

I use AIBU as a soundboard, not because I don't have any friends in real life but because I can get objective opinions and advice on situations that bother me. My posting history is scanty because I'm normally quite confident that I generally make decent decisions but there's icassik s where I'd line unbiased opinions and advice, this being one. So I'm very accepting (pretty much before I posted( that I was unreasonable to call him out in spectacular fashion, I got an objective and unanimous opinion which is good and I'm grateful for all your responses because it validates that I very much question myself quite rightly. I also wanted to know how people handled themselves to which I've got some good pointers.

@Namechangeforthiscancershit that's a really good visual I think I would've been quite rightly shocked if I'd witnessed myself on tape at today's interaction. That's a good reminder. Thank you.

Scanty! Scant!

Jesus, new phone and bizarre non auto correct; icassik s where I'd line, should read occasions where I'd like!!

so despite the concerns that I'm going to lose my job (I'm not)

Don't bet on it. He may well go over the heads of both you and your line manager, and make a formal complaint to HR. He has nothing to lose - he's leaving in 2 weeks anyway, they're unlikely to discipline him for using the work tart. You, on the other hand, launched a foul mouthed personal attack on a coworker. That could be construed as workplace bullying or harassment.

Your line manager had better hope that neither the victim or the witnesses make a complaint because she will come off looking very badly.

I'm not known as a blunt, forthright person, those who don't work with me (well, 4 out of 10) say I'm quite pokerface and can't read me. It's those 6 who do know me that can read me like a book

Oh. You’re one of those “I say it like it is” fools.

My line manager is the MD.

You need to start caring less about personality, except that your not going to like everyone but that it’s not your job to like/dislike. Its your job to lead it’s not any wonder that he felt comfortable enough to say that at work considering what you replied.

@JustHereForThePooStories not really. I don't say it like it is generally, my face can give me away granted and I'm not to clever at lying or quick in playing politics but I'm not personal in fact today was the first time for many years that I've been personal.

I'm not to clever at lying or quick in playing politics but I'm not personal in fact today was the first time for many years that I've been personal

Honestly, though, OP - I have never ever ever ever been in a situation at work where I have either a) wanted to call someone a cunt or b) heard someone call someone else a cunt.

In many years.

Many, many years.

So your compass is out of whack somehow. Figure out how.

Awesome managers NEVER call someone else a cunt. Even if they're thinking it. There is ALWAYS a bigger picture and you should be aware of it.

Kitty

Then your line manager is not showing best practice. In another situation, he could end up on a sticky wicket if he continually manages matters in that manner as he could be seen to be condoning workplace bullying and treating employees unfairly. I am sure you're going to tell me he is wonderful, well-respected and so on- all possibly perfectly true, but in this instance I don't think he got it right. Certainly sending the wrong message to you and anyone else who overheard (or hears about) this incident.

With regards to what you say re respecting people- you have to behave professionally towards EVERYONE, even those you don't like or respect. Even more so if you are in a management or supervisory role. If you don't, it creates instability and lack of respect within your team. These are not effective teams, in part because of the poor management they work under.

I think you also need to bear in mind that respect is a two way street. I have come across several people who would describe themselves in a similar way to you- generally view themselves as excellent employees (and have good feedback etc), but quite critical of others and a certain sense of superiority that they know best. Those that don't match up to their standards are judged as "incompetent" and "lazy" etc. They do not always have good evidence to support their views and they often see their way/methods/standards as the only correct ones. Sometimes they are right in their assessment of the situation and people involved, sometimes not. Either way- there is an appropriate way to manage poor performance or attitude. It is not by being disrespectful, rude, unkind or foul-mouthed. In fact, it is highly unlikely to bring out the best in anyone or inspire/encourage them to change.

If you aspire to be a good manager/leader you do need to remain calm, in control and professional.

When I find myself in your shoes I alway reflect and ask myself what was my purpose

1. to make a man think twice about sexist language / behaviour
2. to make myself feel better You would not have made this man a better person, in fact you may have inadvertently reinforced his opinion that women are brash rude tarts that need putting in their place. He is not improved by tour outburst You do not feel good otherwise you would not have posted this So what have you gained from running your mouth off ? Lesson learnt , no harm done this time but if you want my advice for next time: Say nothing, or say something calm and polite. Come from a point if kindness, maybe he doesn't have any nice women in his life to teach him nice manners. Ring up a good friend or family member and vent to them away from work. Always bear in mind what your objective is when engaging with unpleasant people and always bear in mind they will not take criticism from someone who calls them a cunt, he will go home and tell the story of the crazy lady at work, do you want to be that lady ?

Your line manager is the MD?

Just how big is this company you are in? Is it very small? Sometimes in small companies there is a very blurred line in terms of professionalism.

The company you are employed in seems completely lacking in code of conduct, no proper HR department etc? Am I right?

I'm going to disagree to some extent with the consensus.

If I had been there, felt similarly about the colleague and heard you reply in that way, I would have laughed. Partly because it would have likely been my internal narrative, partly because of the sheer inappropriateness of the statement and partly because of the look I imagine was in his face at receiving a bollocking for talking about women in that way by another woman.

I told somebody not to fucking speak to me like that (and called him a fucking prick) after several months of sexism, racism and general abuse directed solely at the women in the building, topped off by being told to get the fuck out of his way because I was a fucking ugly bitch who deserved a slap. Then I walked out to take my lunch break and calm down before I chinned him

My boss heard it all as he was speaking to a client on the phone.

On my return, fully expecting to get fired, he told me that he'd been fired as, according to him, once I'd ripped his head off, he knew that the general complaints he'd received were true (I'm remarkably tolerant and diplomatic with people being rude or verbally aggressive despite my internal narrative as a rule).

If you get fired or disciplined, you have my sympathy - but if you aren't, now you've done it once, treat it as your one time only reward. Hold that memory close and just don't ever do it again.

Incidentally- that also includes your facial expressions. If people easily read them, especially if you come across as incredulous, petulant, sarky etc or make it very obvious that you think they are wrong/an idiot/incompetent (even if you don't say it out loud)- it is still unprofessional. Body language and non-verbal communication are just as important in some ways as what you actually say.

I grant you it is hard to discipline someone for " a look" as it is almost impossible to prove. However, it will impact on your relations with others.

These "looks" which people can read can make people feel undermined, bullied, unvalued, anxious etc. They do not foster an environment of respect, trust and so on- the things that make teams effective, efficient and cohesive. They cause insecurity (especially if you are not one of the managers "favourites") and poor work atmosphere. So you do need to learn to control them.

Thankfully there were just 2 others (one of them not English speaking) that were in the office at the time.

That won't necessarily help you. There are three witnesses to what you said, any one of them could put in a complaint.

Why do you get so angry about sexism when you are ageist yourself?

OP, you are not thinking strategically.

OK, you recognise that in the office you lost your rag and lost your moral
High ground.

But now, posting in reflection and for advice you say “he's going in 2 weeks and his feelings aren't that important to me “. It’s all about the action and the reaction. Think a bigger picture. Because yes, actually his feelings DO matter to you. 2 weeks is long enough to make a serious complaint to HR, driven by his feelings.

He should not have talked about the woman in the way he did. What’s your objective? To get him to think about his casual dismissive sexism? So think and talk in a way that allows you to have your say but will increase the chances of him listening.

An assertiveness course might help. Be clear about your point and move things forwards. Not just yell and insult people and shoot you self in the foot like a toddler.

And just get out of the habit of insulting people. Set yourself a target as an experiment: don’t speak or write Insultingly about people for a whole day.

I haven't read the whole thread, so apologies if this hasn't been mentioned (although from what I have read this thread mostly consists of posters lambasting you and offering no constructive advice). You are describing a form of 'poor impulse control'. I am similar - have said and done things that I have instantly regretted. I often didn't know what I was about to say / do so there wasn't time to check my behaviour. You can get CBT to help you with this - see a psychologist