To have called him out in a spectacularly rude way..

[KittyVonCatsworth]

I know I need to manage my emotions and subsequent actions / behaviour better. I try, I really do bite my tongue but even holding it in I've just got one of those easy to read faces. Even when I'm trying to look nonplussed, people can obviously tell ( my manager commented about it just recently). However, I was just instantly triggered today and if I don't learn new techniques I'm never going to be one of those leaders that I aspire to be.

Today, a member of the team who I've had issues with answers the office phone and was quite abrupt with them. Another member of the team asked who it was after he finished the call and he replied 'just some tart from EDF'. It instantly got my heckles up and I said 'when I thought I couldn't dislike you any more than I do, you call women tarts you repulsive old cunt'. I then went a bit further with a character assassination. In my head and in my heart this is what I felt and IWBU, but I really want to know how others maintain a breezy, professional demeanour. I think eventually my tongue will be my downfall.

Please don't suggest I should apologise to him though, he's going in 2 weeks and his feelings aren't that important to me as he has the self awareness of a stick (which I also mentioned) so it would make no difference.

How do people manage their thoughts not manifesting into words and actions? This isn't necessary about the context of this example so I'm not looking for flaming or congratulations, just techniques if you have them.

I meant apologies if this has already been mentioned...

My friend lost it with her line manager and called them a cunt. Loudly. Sadly loud enough for the manager to hear. Oh how they laughed!

I jest. Sacked for gross misconduct.

adhd

People were telling you you are not getting it because you had got hung up on one aspect of the use of the word cunt as an insult, and yes we get it, as an insult it can be levelled equally at men and women.

But that doesn’t make it non sexist. The very word is sexist because it refers to a woman’s vagina and by isjng it as an extreme insult you are saying ‘a woman’s vagina is the very worst thing I can call someone “.

Really misogynist I’m many people’s opinion. But when this is pointed out (along with your ageist ‘old’ used as an insult) you argue back repeatedly, quoting Collins which ‘proves’ your one aspect about being used to insult everyone, but not actually taking on board what everyone was saying.

So maybe try and listen more and be less argumentative.

I can not ever imagine working in a professional corporate role and swearing at anyone without expecting to be sacked. Swearing with someone yes fine, but even saying “fuck off” to anyone and I would expect to be escorted off the premises.

I have bosses I have hated, and bosses who hated me, however even when I worked as a fruit packer in a factory on night shift as a student, not one boss has called me a cunt. Or ripped me apart on a personal level. Or even sworn at me I don’t think. If they did I would immediately loose respect. The best bosses have been the ones who manipulated me into making me want to please then. A great boss imo learns each member of their staff and manages then in different ways to get their best. I don’t have to like a boss to have enemense respect for them.

If it’s standard to swear and be sworn at in your field of work then honestly? Who gives a shit, sounds highly unlikely people who can tolerate that day in, day out give a shit in that kind of culture how they are spoken too.

NicolaStart has given good advice.

Personally I think your behaviour as a manager was disgraceful, and your attempts to justify it are completely unacceptable. If I was your manager, you'd be out the door before you knew what was happening. If your line manager is the MD and is not horrified by what you did, then I'd be concerned that the company culture is completely toxic, and possibly somewhat explains the unacceptable behaviour of the misogynist employee who is leaving.

You talk about concern regarding not being one of those leaders that you aspire to be. If your MD lets you away with this, then stay there. There will be very few companies that will promote you after you address another employee with the words "repulsive old cunt" and then go a bit further with "character assassination". And you think you don't have anger issues?!

You think you shouldn't apologise to someone because they "have the self-awareness of a stick". Could you possibly be more clueless? Do you not understand that rendering a (genuine) apology is as much about you as about the other person?

You took the time to look up cunt on the dictionary and post your findings. Again, have you a clue? Are you still trying to justify your atrocious behaviour?

75% of the time you hold your tongue. So, 1 in every 4 occasions where someone pisses you off, you dont?!

By the way "I am one of a vast proportion of people that bury resentment" is trying to minimise your behaviour - like you're not really awful, you're just doing the same as most people. No, you're just awful.

What you think random people on MN can do for you is beyond me; I think you need serious professional help.

My short response in advice to your question is "That's not on. This person who is annoying you is a human being. Show some respect."
But that's probably way over your head.

Scathing is always better than hot-tempered. "Bill, that's an outrageous thing to say and utterly inappropriate." [said in disgusted tone.]

[Also agree re: proper management techniques, both of anger and of you, but that's what I do when my temper boils over.]

Along with empathy you could also do with some humility tbh. Even though you have not once said you are proud of how you responded, it is clear you think he deserved it. It is not your place.

Apart from the staggering everything else, calling him 'old' is deeply offensive. If in doubt, change 'old' for 'black' to see how it sounds.

Look at donquixote's first post, they capture the essence of a good leader. You really have to like people to lead well. A leader's job is as much to serve as it is to lead.

I am saying this because you ask for techniques but seem unprepared to change your attitude. imo it is your attitude that is wanting; your behaviour comes from your attitude.

I am quick to react to that sort of thing but calling someone a cunt when you’re in work mode is not on. It is unprofessional

He isn't called Colin is he?

The word cunt is more offensive than tart? Why? He sounds like a sexist dick. If i heard you id have a little smile to myself.

Just be aware the word cunt seems to have a really weird effect on people!! Do not apologise to him!!

You need to engage your filter and not just blurt out what pops into your head. You may be easy to read from your expressions but they are harder to manage, and as long as you keep what you say (and how, sarcasm etc is also not great) professional then you will be fine.

What you said is appalling and if I had heard about one of my team saying that there would be serious consequences as it is completely unprofessional behaviour.

You must be able to filter in your outside work life, just do it at work too

Stop ignoring my question you cunt We need to know more details about how you went further with a character assassination!

The word cunt is more offensive than tart? Why? He sounds like a sexist dick. If i heard you id have a little smile to myself.

You must have missed the bit where she then apparently continued with in her words a 'character assasination'. You seriously think that is an ok way for a manager to behave?

I find the word tart much more offensive than cunt.

Sorry, but no. You can't speak to people like that in the workplace.

If it were in my work place, you'd have been hauled up to the powers that be, for the telling off of your life. Completely unacceptable.

I’m not going to mention the incident- you were wrong and you get it.

The single biggest thing that helps me as a manager, previously of a retail team, and now as a wrangler of a collective of freelance creatives, is to have an understanding of each of them as individuals.

You have your baseline for how you treat everyone (eg not calling anyone names) but you also manage yourself in how you treat and what you expect etc from each person. Different personalities respond to different aspects of yours.

Eg if you have someone more than capable but filled with self-doubt you bolster them, use positive language and assign them tasks you know they can do and praise them for it.

If you have someone prone to arrogance and unable to see when they’ve made a mistake, you use positive language to highlight what they need to improve to be better rather than tearing them down.

And if one of them REALLY pisses you off, you keep it professional and if your instinct is to immediately rant, you take a step back and wait to talk to them about it when you’ve had time to think about what it is that they actually need to be pulled up on and ask ‘to have a word.’

In every scenario you are respectful, controlled and retain your authority through those.

Yes what you said was unprofessional, but I have no doubt that if this man is as awful as he seems, it was weeks/months/years of constantly listening to his abuse and vitriol spewed towards women that made you snap.
Maybe this is the wake up call he needs.
However, to manage the word vom, I always count to 5 in professional settings before I say ANYTHING. It sounds ridiculous but I have put my foot in it before saying stupid stuff like “oooh it’s a lovely day” (referring to the weather) and a colleagues mum has just died. Or “Did you have a nice holiday?” When they’ve actually been off sick.
I am known for it. (Which is why I now work for myself!)
Maybe you should try some breathing exercises when you are getting particularly riled. In through the nose for a count of 4, out through the mouth for a count of 4, whenever you feel particularly cross!
I also find it useful to keep a “crib sheet” of “appropriate” terms in my desk drawer.
So in your case I would have
“Repulsive old cunt” and next to it “it’s unprofessional to say that”
And maybe try the replacement methods with other terms. So instead of thinking “mysoginistic pig” you think “report to hr for sexism”

The first thing to remember isa decent manager should not be reprimanding colleagues in front of others anyway. It should be done quietly somewhere privately. Calling him to one side would have given you some time to collect your thoughts. If he is on the same level as you then you should pull him up calmly and politely. If it is continuing behaviour then it should be reported and dealt with by a manager. As an adult you should have a filter. I have already said bite your tongue maybe I should add always count to at least 10, think then breathe before speaking. Always keep a bottle of water near you that way you can take a bit of time having a drink before you speak (even if you dont want one) without it looking like you are struggling with holding in an outburst

I am laughing[with despair not mirth] at how people in this thread are having emapthy with the op and offering techniques for next time or telling her to move on and forget it etc like it's not a deal.

If this was a male who called a female colleague a cunt if she were to make a sexiest comment about males 'pretty boy' 'pansy' 'ape', etc you would be sure nobody on this thread would be for 1 second offering any empathy,strategies or sympathy and the offending man would be hung out here to dry and fry.

You must have missed the bit where she then apparently continued with in her words a 'character assasination'.

I did! I read it as in her head.

wow... You're not wrong but you shouldn't have said it. It doesn't matter if he's leaving in 2 weeks. That was unprofessional on your part. Be prepared to be written up.

I don't think Work will be plain sailing today.

Honestly, I would have sacked someone on the spot for that foul, abusive language and response. The OP seems deluded to think that nothing will come of it.

Aye.

Chinny reckon.

Erm, he called a woman a 'tart', so I don't really care what she calls him if someone spouts sexist nonsense like that at work.

Do you have an emotion regulation issue that you don't know about (borderline personality disorder, on the spectrum), OP? You can get far in life with a high IQ, it sort of masks it until you get into situation in which people who don't have a disorder can still handle their emotions, whereas you can't? Not sure, but it sounds like it's worth looking into?