To have called him out in a spectacularly rude way..

[KittyVonCatsworth]

I know I need to manage my emotions and subsequent actions / behaviour better. I try, I really do bite my tongue but even holding it in I've just got one of those easy to read faces. Even when I'm trying to look nonplussed, people can obviously tell ( my manager commented about it just recently). However, I was just instantly triggered today and if I don't learn new techniques I'm never going to be one of those leaders that I aspire to be.

Today, a member of the team who I've had issues with answers the office phone and was quite abrupt with them. Another member of the team asked who it was after he finished the call and he replied 'just some tart from EDF'. It instantly got my heckles up and I said 'when I thought I couldn't dislike you any more than I do, you call women tarts you repulsive old cunt'. I then went a bit further with a character assassination. In my head and in my heart this is what I felt and IWBU, but I really want to know how others maintain a breezy, professional demeanour. I think eventually my tongue will be my downfall.

Please don't suggest I should apologise to him though, he's going in 2 weeks and his feelings aren't that important to me as he has the self awareness of a stick (which I also mentioned) so it would make no difference.

How do people manage their thoughts not manifesting into words and actions? This isn't necessary about the context of this example so I'm not looking for flaming or congratulations, just techniques if you have them.

If you have informed your line manager of the conversation then he really has to discipline both of you. Anything else is a failure of duty.

This^ anything else leaves the company open to major issues.

Was it only when you spoke to your partner that you realised you shouldn't have called him that? I'm really, really shocked - I can't imagine ever calling someone that, especially at work.

I, for one, like your whole "piss and vinegar" attitude, OP. I suspect we'd get along famously, or kill each other.

If you have informed your line manager of the conversation then he really has to discipline both of you. Anything else is a failure of duty.

Completely agree.

I am a bit tired minipie but I'm not normally snappy. I don't know, maybe I'm allowing previous dealings with him cloud my judgement.

@LonelyAmongUs 😂 one of our values is honesty and openness, I took that too far though!

I would get some professional help ASAP as it will be hard for you to keep a job at all if you behave like this at work.

You would definitely be on a formal warning where I work.

"I find your language offensive and unprofessional" would perhaps have been a better thing to say to this person.

Are you out of control like this with/ in the presence of your kids as well?

he's going in 2 weeks and his feelings aren't that important to me as he has the self awareness of a stick

I think it wonderful that YOU think HE lacks self-awareness! You sound a lovey person, got any friends?

If you have informed your line manager of the conversation then he really has to discipline both of you. Anything else is a failure of duty.

HR here, I’d be expecting a phone call tomorrow if I were you and you’d better start getting ready to deal with that.

I’m struggling with how you won’t be disciplined in some way.

What a bloody pity you couldn’t have taken the view he’s leaving in 2 weeks, and just left the room or recorded the comment for your mutual manager to address.

'' I personally would have felt less offended if he came off the phone and referred to THEM as a cunt, as the insult is gender neutral.''

ok op so not only do you sound like an immature 13 year old,you also seem to lack education if you think cunt is gender neutral.

OP sorry I do not know why you posted this on aibu or even told your oh looking for verification if you were BU, like come on-I seriously half think this is a troll thread. You are an adult and temper or no temper-you do not call a colleague a cunt at work. It is just socia etiquette in the same way you wouldn't slap a colleague or feel their private parts etc.

It just crosses so many boundaries. I'm no angel but jesus I just know that calling a colleague a cunt in anger is just crossing a big line.If I heard of a colleague doing that i'd lose serious respect, also your line manager sounds as bad as you if h/she did not reprimand you when you came forward.

I would take a long hard look at yourself over this.

''😂 one of our values is honesty and openness, I took that too far though!''

amazes me how you are laughing, if this was me i'd be mortified at my behaviour and be extremely humilated and embarassed.

My manager has said he wouldn't have personally called him a cunt and I suspect the word he will have with colleague will be of a similar theme of 'i wouldn't have personally called her a tart'. If you RTFT, Ive not once said my reaction was correct.

LonelyAmongUsone of our values is honesty and openness, I took that too far though!

Yeah such lols.

''If you RTFT, Ive not once said my reaction was correct.''

yea but it's your whole tone throughout the thread op and attitude towards this, like if it was me or anybody i knew who did this they'd be mortified and full of regret and shame, you don't seem to be or seem to recognise how bad it makes you look and that's worrying. It was your own character that you assinated not his.

OP

I am VERY surprised that you relayed this conversation to the manager and he said he will talk to other employee to register disapproval but you only get "I wouldn't have chosen to call him a cunt".....

Very poor practice on the part of your manager as he could be seen to be treating you more favourably than your colleague. You both behaved unprofessionally- your behaviour was worse than his.

However, if that is your manager's decision you've dodged a bullet (that you probably don't deserve to- but take your luck where you find it). Use this as a trigger for doing better. For you, for your team and for your employer. You seriously need to address this- you need to learn to control your temper. You also need to learn to take responsibility for your actions (being provoked is not an excuse for unprofessional conduct) and care about what people think- even if you don't like them. As a manager, you set the tone of the department or organisation- you behave professionally and as you would hope your team would behave.

I don't think you are ready to be a leader or a manager, however much you aspire to be. You don't have the necessary skills, even with your update. You need to be able to manage people you like as well as those you don't particularly get on with and some you downright dislike. As long as they are doing their job and behaving appropriately, you have to be able to treat them all the same. When they don't behave well/make mistakes etc then you still need to be able to treat them equally (i.e. respond in the same manner to similar behaviour or error, regardless of whether you like the person or not). BTW- in my view your manager has failed on the latter aspect by bringing it up with your co-worker whilst not taking you to task either.

I think you’ve graciously accepted your kick in Kitty!
Can’t help what’s been done, just keep out of his way now, and I’m future, yep you’ll need to be more professional.

Do you actually want to people manage OP? Is that your career goal? If so why?

Perhaps you need to reassess this goal? It might be possible to progress to management without doing people management?

In my previous job, I had a team leader, who called herself a manager. She prided herself on her poker face. She was totally unapproachable and offhand with people. She was so short with people that she would barely lower herself to say hello to those she considered beneath her. In her own words, she was not at work 'to make friends'. She was clever and studied continuously and management told her that she would be promoted. But she never was.

The problem was that she was/is extremely unlikeable and for all her 'manager descriptions' she is only one or tiers above those working on her team and there were so many tiers in that organisation that one or two made very little difference. Five years on she is still doing the exact same job, even though she is still convinced she is on the road to greatness despite going on long term sick leave because she keeps failing to get promotions. She showed/shows a complete lack of self awareness and she is now bitter on top of everything else. The moral of the story is don't crap on others. People remember how they were treated and how those around them were treated.

Reconsider your career path.

I think... this didn't happen and your cringeworthy attempt to be a woke cool girl has backfired horribly.
🙈
Embarrassed for you 💐

Ok, for those who haven't quite caught the gist of the thread, I gave context (as not to dripfeed) in my opening paragraphs of the OP but my final paragraph was ..

How do people manage their thoughts not manifesting into words and actions? This isn't necessary about the context of this example so I'm not looking for flaming or congratulations, just techniques if you have them.

So, reiterating my original post, techniques on managing. I completely accept,once again, that my reaction wasn't the correct reaction. Thank you for any concern that you have over my anger management, job security and friend ratio.

I’d be sacked on the spot. Your line manager is not really managing.

If you want to be a leader, you need to treat all people with respect - even when you think they’re behaving badly. You can’t expect anyone to consider what you’re saying unless you can demonstrate that you’re able to maintain basic politeness.

A good piece of advice I was given was this: "be careful about who you step on on your way up the ladder because you never know who you might meet if you ever head back down. Or they may rise higher than you in the end".

Ffs.

Ok OP. To manage it - I imagine myself saying what I want to say and people's reactions to it. Then I take a breath and translate that into more moderate language. Eg

'That's not really an acceptable term these days Brian.'

I might add 'Bloody hell Brian. You sound like an extra from The Office / like a dinosaur'

KittyVonCatsworth Wed 16-Jan-19 22:36:23
@jacks11 thank you X
I'm not normally as blunt as that, it's a struggle but ordinarily I do try, and 75% of the time, hold my tongue I'm not known as a blunt, forthright person, those who don't work with me (well, 4 out of 10) say I'm quite pokerface and can't read me. It's those 6 who do know me that can read me like a book.

This contradicts your OP though - which is it?

I'm not going to pile on and reiterate what PP have said but what I will echo is that what you said was absolutely unprofessional, totally inappropriate and unacceptable. What is to your credit is that you recognise this and are asking for tips on how to moderate your behaviour.