To have called him out in a spectacularly rude way..

[KittyVonCatsworth]

I know I need to manage my emotions and subsequent actions / behaviour better. I try, I really do bite my tongue but even holding it in I've just got one of those easy to read faces. Even when I'm trying to look nonplussed, people can obviously tell ( my manager commented about it just recently). However, I was just instantly triggered today and if I don't learn new techniques I'm never going to be one of those leaders that I aspire to be.

Today, a member of the team who I've had issues with answers the office phone and was quite abrupt with them. Another member of the team asked who it was after he finished the call and he replied 'just some tart from EDF'. It instantly got my heckles up and I said 'when I thought I couldn't dislike you any more than I do, you call women tarts you repulsive old cunt'. I then went a bit further with a character assassination. In my head and in my heart this is what I felt and IWBU, but I really want to know how others maintain a breezy, professional demeanour. I think eventually my tongue will be my downfall.

Please don't suggest I should apologise to him though, he's going in 2 weeks and his feelings aren't that important to me as he has the self awareness of a stick (which I also mentioned) so it would make no difference.

How do people manage their thoughts not manifesting into words and actions? This isn't necessary about the context of this example so I'm not looking for flaming or congratulations, just techniques if you have them.

I personally would have felt less offended if he came off the phone and referred to THEM as a cunt, as the insult is gender neutral

Do men have cunts? Who knew?

Totally unacceptable. Your behaviour lacks professionalism and would result in disciplinary action in my area of business. It is incredibly hard to bite your tongue and rise above other people and their ‘idiotic’ comments but by responding you lower yourself to their level.
Deep breath, poker face and breathe!

@saucyjack Collins refer it to be:
If someone calls another person a cunt, they are expressing contempt for that person.

Person being the word. Not like tart, slag, slut that implicitly say 'woman' (again, according to Collins).
Yes, it's a vulgar word for female genitals, but as an insult, it's pretty gender neutral.

Do men have cunts? Who knew?

Bloody hell, where have you been? 2014 called and they want their material reality back. Apparently it's the height of bigotry to imagine any correlation between genitalia and being male or female.

Why would you use a part of the female body as a derogatory term.
You think using tart is unacceptable but obviously think cunt is acceptable.
Your logic and attitude is very wrong.

Incredibly unprofessional. We all sometimes work with people who we may not get along with. We should however remain professional. You should have taken him to one side and calmly pulled him up on his comments. Even calm reprimands should not be done in front of other colleagues. Having spoken to him like that in front of everyone I think your apology also needs to be in front of everyone. You then seriously need to bite your tongue.

Cushioncuddle, see above for definition according to Collins

You’re not getting it at all, are you?

You sound nice.

Count to ten

Name the behaviour and not the person. That’s the key-

So you should have said-
Using sexist language in the office is unacceptable, do not refer to women as tarts. If you need further guidance on this let me know.

so despite the concerns that I'm going to lose my job (I'm not)

So report what you said to your seniors and lets see what happens.

You really don't get it.

What else did yiu say in your character assasination.

Your response far, far outweighed anything he said.
I’d totally hate to work for or with you.

How am I not getting it? I asked for pointers, which I've acknowledged gratefully

@atalune this 'Using sexist language in the office is unacceptable, do not refer to women as tarts. If you need further guidance on this let me know' is a great sentence thank you. That's really helpful x

how am i not getting it?
You do have an anger problem! You called him a cunt, won’t apologise ( even though you’re wrong) and you want to be a manager. You’re not getting it

YABVU.

As an employer, if you spoke to another employee in that manner- calling him a a "repulsive old cunt" and so on- then I would have to take disciplinary action against you at the least. It may even be misconduct.

Even if you feel that you were justified, there are ways to deal with that sort of situation that do not involve you behaving appallingly. If you are in some sort of supervisory or management role, it makes it even worse as you should know better and behave more professionally.

The employee calling someone a tart would also face consequences if this was reported- but your behaviour was more troubling and would be dealt with more seriously.

Sooner or later this behaviour will get you into serious problems, if it hasn't already. At the very least, you will not be a good manager and will not progress. I would not promote someone who could not act professionally- i.e. control their emotions (even in situations where they felt provoked), nor hold their tongue when annoyed or angry. It does not reflect well on you. It is unlikely to foster good team relations and it is not acceptable. It could also land you in trouble for bullying or misconduct.

If you want to improve this then you really are going to have to learn- not just try- to control your temper. There are lots of methods- count to ten; take a deep breath; or if required (and possible) remove yourself from the situation and take a few minutes to take a few deep breaths and calm yourself. Mostly, I just keep my counsel and either bring it up privately with them, or if necessary through formal channels. Sure, it's satisfying to get your tuppence worth in, give someone who's annoyed or upset you "a dressing down"- but it's very rarely the best way forward. So you recognise that, act like an adult and deal with it properly. I don't trade insults with them. If you really wanted to stop just saying what you think, I think you probably could- but I suspect you take some pride in being "forthright", "blunt" and so on (often code for rude, self-important or bombastic).

You are going to have recognise that when you find someone's behaviour unacceptable, that you deal with it in a professional manner- and through appropriate channels if necessary. You cannot indulge in name calling- however satisfying and justified you feel- and you cannot "character assassinate" people either. It shows poor judgement and is usually the preserve of those who aren't very good managers or leaders. And often, not particularly pleasant people either.

Don’t be obtuse Kitty.

(Don Quixote )

Wowwwww, calling someone a cunt for calling someone a tart 🤣

@BishBoshBashBop I did relay the conversation onto my line manager as I was quite annoyed with the comments when he called (unrelated matter but could tell I was upset) and he said he'd have a word with him on Friday. He did also say that he wouldn't have personally called him a cunt.

You were far worse than him. You sound like you have a temper and a shitty attitude.

"you call women tarts you repulsive old cunt'.

How is what you said any better than what he said?

If you have informed your line manager of the conversation then he really has to discipline both of you. Anything else is a failure of duty.

I try to focus on the problem that needs sorting and trying to find common ground to fix it. Slinging personal insults is just degrading yourself and is totally counterproductive. Maybe attempt not to react at all if you can't react constructively while emotive. Then go away and consider the points you want to bring up, then do that dispassionately at a time when you have calmed down.

@jacks11 thank you X
I'm not normally as blunt as that, it's a struggle but ordinarily I do try, and 75% of the time, hold my tongue I'm not known as a blunt, forthright person, those who don't work with me (well, 4 out of 10) say I'm quite pokerface and can't read me. It's those 6 who do know me that can read me like a book.

Do you get enough sleep OP?

I’m pretty poor at controlling my tongue and am not known for tact but the only times I’d be that rude to someone (however much I hated them) would be when I was drunk or very very tired. My self control goes out of the window in those circumstances.

I’m assuming you weren’t drunk at work so are you very very tired?