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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have called him out in a spectacularly rude way..

421 replies

KittyVonCatsworth · 16/01/2019 19:29

I know I need to manage my emotions and subsequent actions / behaviour better. I try, I really do bite my tongue but even holding it in I've just got one of those easy to read faces. Even when I'm trying to look nonplussed, people can obviously tell ( my manager commented about it just recently). However, I was just instantly triggered today and if I don't learn new techniques I'm never going to be one of those leaders that I aspire to be.

Today, a member of the team who I've had issues with answers the office phone and was quite abrupt with them. Another member of the team asked who it was after he finished the call and he replied 'just some tart from EDF'. It instantly got my heckles up and I said 'when I thought I couldn't dislike you any more than I do, you call women tarts you repulsive old cunt'. I then went a bit further with a character assassination. In my head and in my heart this is what I felt and IWBU, but I really want to know how others maintain a breezy, professional demeanour. I think eventually my tongue will be my downfall.

Please don't suggest I should apologise to him though, he's going in 2 weeks and his feelings aren't that important to me as he has the self awareness of a stick (which I also mentioned) so it would make no difference.

How do people manage their thoughts not manifesting into words and actions? This isn't necessary about the context of this example so I'm not looking for flaming or congratulations, just techniques if you have them.

OP posts:
getawayslough · 17/01/2019 11:35

''Erm, he called a woman a 'tart', so I don't really care what she calls him if someone spouts sexist nonsense like that at work.''

yea so if a man had called a colleague a cunt over a sexiest remark towards a male, xould you be saying this?? I'm pretty sure you'd be claiming it was a police matter...

Eatmycheese · 17/01/2019 12:26

The man is a dinosaur and a fool. He needs to be reminded that there are Laws that govern this sort of attitude and behaviour in the workplace and outside of it.
The OP was beyond the pale, however. If she had come on here and said someone at work had called her that her post would in all likelihood have read "Manager called me a c**t at work, because I called a man a knob. AIBU to think they should be fired?"

getawayslough · 17/01/2019 12:51

''The OP was beyond the pale, however. If she had come on here and said someone at work had called her that her post would in all likelihood have read "Manager called me a c**t at work, because I called a man a knob. AIBU to think they should be fired?"''

my thoughts exactly and yet people on this thread and the op are slamming the man for being sexist when they fail to see the hypocrisy in that they are just being as sexist for under reacting to the situation....

saoirse31 · 17/01/2019 12:56

Basically you shouldn't be managing people op because you'll end up causing your employer problems and costing them money. Oh, but then later you say you're not managing anyone now...why is that?

If you were working for me I'd have started disciplinary procedures against you and I'd be massively unimpressed with your 'I'm one of lots of people who..." etc etc mealymouthed justifications.

Bluntness100 · 17/01/2019 13:06

Jesus, I hope this isn't real. If it is, what the hell kind of place do you work at? We'd have fired you for that. And rightly too. That's as nasty as it gets.

Poloshot · 17/01/2019 13:09

Your outburst was worse than his. I'm surprised he didn't call you a cunt, I would have.

Zucker · 17/01/2019 13:10

I know I need to manage my emotions and subsequent actions / behaviour better. I try, I really do bite my tongue but even holding it in I've just got one of those easy to read faces. Even when I'm trying to look nonplussed, people can obviously tell

You are using this as an excuse though. I know a woman who also says this and uses it as basically an excuse to say what ever she wants. Who cares if people can read your face it doesn't mean you have to say anything out loud!

By saying they can read your face people are really saying - Watch Kitty's face shes gonna kick off and give us some drama. Stop feeding into the drama.

Bluntness100 · 17/01/2019 14:53

I assume if your boss had said it or someone you respected, you would have managed to bite your tongue. It was simply you dislike this man so felt free to abuse him.

TheDowagerCuntess · 17/01/2019 17:23

he has the self awareness of a stick (which I also mentioned)

Kitty, assuming this is real - it's just so far out of the realms of normal for most of us, that the inclination is to doubt it happened - then the statement above really is the icing on the cake.

There were many different ways you could have reacted or responded to this man, yet you chose the worst, most embarrassing, least effective and most undermining to you way of handling it.

This isn't the behaviour of a natural leader or manager. It's not the behaviour of a civilised human being. I'm not saying this to be unkind (much as it does seem unkind), but to point out that your own lack of self-awareness is ... quite startling.

If you need a strategy or technique not to call another person a cunt at all - let alone in a professional setting - it might be wise to re-set your aspirations.

Frankfurt17 · 17/01/2019 17:28

You should be disciplined with a view to dismissal.

GeeksCanBeMumsToo · 17/01/2019 17:28

You can get away with saying most things as long as you don’t swear—maybe try that as a baby step 😉

fluffiphlox · 17/01/2019 17:31

You would lose your job in some places for using that language.

capx4 · 17/01/2019 17:32

Just laugh at him! Feel sorry for him. Then just say - in a sarcastic tone - NICE!

Failing that, walk out of the office and grab some air..

dianna1808 · 17/01/2019 17:33

Women need to stand up to arseholes like that And what you called him seems perfectly reasonable to me Keep up the good work. Sexist language is never acceptable -

Sparkerparker · 17/01/2019 17:33

If you honestly can control yourself - get some therapy. We all think things sometimes but just can’t blurt them out all over the place.
Lodging the incident with the guy’s manager would have got a better end result and you get to be the person you said you’d aspire to be.

Kikipost · 17/01/2019 17:33

He name called
You name called

It is all so childish and unprofessional.

angelfacecuti75 · 17/01/2019 17:34

Um. I think you really need to bite ypur tongue and refrain from stooping to this employees level by making personal comments like you did. Whether you dislike someone or not it's not an issue. You have to remain impartial. You have to learn to reprimand without resorting to a) making personal remarks (i.e. I dislike you)& b) swearing as that was a) incredibly unprofessional and you could potentially get the sack for doing it. As a manager you are probably expected to set an example for other employees and what u did was unacceptable whether u have a temper or not. If you were in my job you probably would be sacked. You were worse that the employee so learn to reign it in before someone higher up hears of it.

toxic44 · 17/01/2019 17:34

How can you tell him he is being sexist when you use the word for women's genitalia as an insult? If you spoke to anyone in those terms in my business you would be out of the door double quick because you can't be trusted o be professional. What if you lost it with a customer?

angelfacecuti75 · 17/01/2019 17:36

Ps I've got adhd and therefore supposedly have "poor impulse control" but i would never speak to someone like you did.

beanii · 17/01/2019 17:37

I haven't read the whole thread but I think MOST people had they used the c*nt word would have faced disciplinary action - no way should you be a leader/manager - IF this is true.

Jessie94 · 17/01/2019 17:42

Yes you were so in the wrong! You need to write him a letter of apology and probably best start looking for a new job.
Your post comes across as so pathetic - you're a grown woman. Get your sh*t together and act like an adult - and a professional one at that.

Thewarrenerswife · 17/01/2019 17:44

If he is repulsive for referring to someone as a tart, what does that make you for referring to him as a (can't even type that word, sorry)... I mean apart from instantly suspended in most work places.

Did anyone else hear you?!

Pawsandnoses · 17/01/2019 17:45

I think you need to try to program yourself for your initial reaction to be 'I'm sorry. What did you just say?' This quite often draws attention to the person that made the inappropriate comment. They will then either apologise or repeat.

If you feel aggrieved, then go to your manager or their manager and raise it professionally.

If he had directed his comments at you, then your response may seem reasonable mitigation 'in the heat of the moment'. I'm not trying to say that this person doesn't sound like a mysoginistic idiot, but you made a personal attack of much greater magnitude. My advice would be to apologise, to everyone that was there and quickly. Contrition can go a long way if you end up in a disciplinary process.

BlueMoodComing · 17/01/2019 17:48

The Chimp Paradox.
Fantastic book
Might help 👍🏼

Sb74 · 17/01/2019 17:49

I don’t know, how about try being a grown up OP?! You are not leadership material behaving like that. It’s not 1975 - you need to be very careful in your use of language!!