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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be shocked that people still think it’s ok to hit their kids?

343 replies

MrsMuffins · 16/01/2019 18:40

Coming out of the supermarket this afternoon, a man was walking towards me with two kids, probably aged 8-10. As I passed him (quite a way away as I was heading towards my car) he said something to the boy along the lines of ‘I’ve f**king told you not to do that’ and sort of lunged at him. The boy literally cowered back, obviously expecting a whack. It really upset me - part of me thinking I wish I’d said something, and the other part shocked that people really think it’s ok to physically intimidate and hit their kids. Is it just me thinking that this kind of thing isn’t acceptable any more?!

OP posts:
sweetkitty · 17/01/2019 00:05

As a teacher we are teaching children they have the right not to be physically abused and that physical violence is always wrong. They have the right to be safe. A lot of children then say to me “my dad slaps me” “ my Mum says she’s going to hit me up and down the street etc” I’m in no doubt children still get smacked.

It’s not smacking it’s physical abuse, no different to an adult hitting and adult.

IsItCoffeeTimeYet · 17/01/2019 00:45

I think the thing to clear up here is that there is a clear distinction between smacking as a form of discipline and snacking out of frustration/anger.

You wanted someone to rationally explain why they smack so here is:
I have 2 DC. DC1 is a usual child. DC2 however is a child like no other I've come across. Just doesn't understand danger. At all. I can explain until I'm blue in the face, prevent and supervise as best I can, but what about those times when I can't supervise properly (in a class of 30 at school, the teacher is distracted and he decides to find out what would happen if he jams a paperclip into a plug socket?).
What I'm saying is I would rather give him a controlled smack than risk him coming to worse harm.

I am a trained childcarer. I have read all the books and know all the techniques, I even advise others on them! None, and I mean NONE, have worked for DC2. For me smacking is not lazy parenting, it is a last resort to keep my children, and your children (I'll come on to that), safe.

Sometimes, to explain the severity of DC2s actions I smack to show him that what he is doing to others hurts them.
I have tried to explain that eg. laying on other children so that they can breathe, is wrong. He just does not get it!! I supervise and try not to put him in situations when it could occur (but to be honest it would mean I would never leave the house or socialise with anyone and that does myself DC1 and DC2 more harm than good).
A smack seems to be the only thing that gets the message through to him. If it was your child he was about to hurt because I'd just tried to reason with him instead of doing EVERYTHING I knew I could to keep others safe, are you honestly saying you would rather I didn't?!

My smacks are not done out of anger or frustration. I calmly, with eye contact, explain to him that his action was unacceptable, and is not allowed. Then I tell him because of this he will be getting a smack. Then I calmly smack him, reiterate why he can't do that thing. And give him a big cuddle and tell him I love him.
He will never recoil if I lunge for him as I explain and warn, never lash out. He isn't scared he will be hit out of the blue.
And this is how I can be a childcarer. I will never hit another person's child because I don't do it as a result of being frustrated or at the end of my tether, it is purely a method I use with my DC.

I absolutely support smacking becoming illegal. There are more people who smack out of anger than do it for discipline properly. If making it illegal stops even some of those people then I am ALL for it.

I would also like to draw a few parallels, play devils advocate, possibly.
Smoking around children causes them physical harm. It also has no benefit for the child or the wider society. It is not illegal and unfortunately plenty of people do it, but it isn't seen as bad as smacking. Why?

Adults can be physically restrained if they are a danger to themselves or others. While I would not restrain a child in this way to discipline them I support this use for adults. Even the mentaly vulnerable. As sometimes it is the only way to keep them/others safe.

What about the military? They are encouraged to fight and kill others, others with less resources/weaker than them. Even kill children who have been trained as soldiers. Why is this violence acceptable? Because it is for the greater good? From whose perspective? The military use violence to keep their families and country safe. I use violence to keep my child and others safe.

I hope this helps you see a different side to smacking. And that not everyone who smacks is "scum", or "a bad parent". As I started my post, there is a major difference between controlled smacking as discipline and lashing out and hitting your children, I agree with you all that the latter is of course totally wrong.

StreetwiseHercules · 17/01/2019 02:45

Complete and utter rubbish.

SisterOfDonFrancisco · 17/01/2019 02:56

It's an ineffective method of punishment.

Greenglassteacup · 17/01/2019 06:17

Utter bollocks

Greenglassteacup · 17/01/2019 06:20

Coffeetime, you look your child in the eye, tell him that you are going to hit him, then you hit him. Congratulations, well done. Absolutely horrible

Fairylea · 17/01/2019 06:26

Can’t stand anyone hitting their kids. Just abusive whatever way you look at it.

My mum used to smack me and I still remember how frightening it was and how awful it felt both emotionally and physically. And she was one of those “only occasionally” type people.

Makes me feel sick just thinking about it.

gamerwidow · 17/01/2019 06:28

coffetime that’s horrific and I don’t understand why you would think this clears up a misunderstanding.
It’s one thing to be at the end of your tether and smack a child (not ok and you need help to find other methods but understandable) it’s another thing altogether to calmly and deliberately chose to hit your child. That’s just sadistic.

gamerwidow · 17/01/2019 06:29

P.s. the military don’t beat their soldiers as a part of training and your raising a child not an army ffs

gamerwidow · 17/01/2019 06:32

Pps the fact you follow it up with a cuddle is just a head fuck for the child.
Like your husband hitting you then saying I really sorry you made me do that I love you, gross.

PinkGin24 · 17/01/2019 06:34

Snowflake paremts still out in force I see... thankfully none of your run the country so while you can whinge and moan all you want smacking your children isn't illegal :-)

Shmithecat · 17/01/2019 06:38

I was smacked as a child. I'm going to be the cliche, it didn't do me any harm. But as a parent myself, I can't reconcile that it's ok to smack a child, yet it's not ok to hit another adult. So I don't smack my child although sometimes I'd like to drop kick him all the way to Barnardos...

My ds is 3, and can be so 'challenging' sometimes. But no, it's not ok to use physical punishment. Taking away Hoppity Voosh had more impact.

StreetwiseHercules · 17/01/2019 07:08

“I calmly, with eye contact, explain to him that his action was unacceptable, and is not allowed. Then I tell him because of this he will be getting a smack. Then I calmly smack him, reiterate why he can't do that thing. And give him a big cuddle and tell him I love him.”

Deeply disturbing.

StreetwiseHercules · 17/01/2019 07:14

PinkGin is really annoyed that nobody is taking her on and giving her a reaction.

Pleasing. 🙂

PinkGin24 · 17/01/2019 07:26

@StreetwiseHercules there have alrrady been hysterical OTT reactions... namely from you.

Shmithecat · 17/01/2019 07:29

StreetwiseHercules, yes, very. Horrid to read. Quite sinister.

StreetwiseHercules · 17/01/2019 07:29

PinkGin is livid.

ArtisanPopcorn · 17/01/2019 07:37

Why does it not surprise me that the parents who hit their children also think the only other options are screaming, shouting and name-calling. Also doesn't surprise me that a someone who thinks it's ok to hit children is also the type to use the term 'snowflake' I'm embarrassed for you. And sad for your children/future children

chocolatemademefat · 17/01/2019 07:42

I hate to see people smacking children and I rarely did it with my two sons. But the level of behaviour I see now with children - and I work with them - and it can be awful. Entitled and demanding and crying when they don’t get their own way. I’m not saying all children are like this but a lot are. We have to educate parents to actually parent and that doesn’t mean keeping in with their DC And desperately trying to be their friend. They need to know the limits but many that I look after don’t. I’ve watched some over the years and their level of arrogance with both adults and other children is awful. They’ve never been told their behaviour is unacceptable when it clearly is.

I don’t want to see children smacked because it isn’t necessary but we still have to parent.

LadyintheRadiator · 17/01/2019 07:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chaoscategorised · 17/01/2019 07:46

The idea of calmly and deliberately looking your kid in the eye, hitting them and telling them it's their fault you're hitting them, and then showering them with love is so deeply fucked up.

ScreamingValenta · 17/01/2019 07:48

I was physically punished - smacked and, when I was older, beaten with a slipper or shoe. The memories are still painful. I generally lack confidence as a person, and while I wouldn't blame the physical punishment, I don't think this helped.

It should be made illegal - not because a light tap on the hand or bum is harmful, but because by making it legal, it gives an excuse for much more severe abuse. How do you draw the line - you can't define 'light smacking' in a meaningful way - the safest thing is to ban it altogether.

LadyintheRadiator · 17/01/2019 07:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMuffins · 17/01/2019 07:50

@IsItCoffeeTimeYet that is absolutely awful - your description of how you calmly look your child in the eye, hit him, and then cuddle him is unbelievably grim, and the fact that you think it’s ok is even worse. Can you not see what a mixed message you’re giving him?! Also, how on earth does hitting him in this way have any effect - you’ve already stopped his bad behaviour as you’re able to ‘calmly, with eye contact, explain that his action was unacceptable’ - so why hit? What does it solve? Clearly it doesn’t stop him misbehaving again, as you’ve described.

OP posts:
MrsMuffins · 17/01/2019 07:57

@ScreamingValenta absolutely valid point - illustrated by several posters on here who say a ‘light smack on the hand’ is ok. A - I don’t believe that has any effect whatsoever, and B - no way is that all they do, because when the light hit doesn’t have an effect, they’ll escalate to hitting harder until it does.

OP posts:
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