To be shocked that people still think it’s ok to hit their kids?

[MrsMuffins]

Coming out of the supermarket this afternoon, a man was walking towards me with two kids, probably aged 8-10. As I passed him (quite a way away as I was heading towards my car) he said something to the boy along the lines of ‘I’ve f**king told you not to do that’ and sort of lunged at him. The boy literally cowered back, obviously expecting a whack. It really upset me - part of me thinking I wish I’d said something, and the other part shocked that people really think it’s ok to physically intimidate and hit their kids. Is it just me thinking that this kind of thing isn’t acceptable any more?!

To people who say ‘I got smacked as a child and it never did me any harm’ - Yes it did, you grew up to be someone who thinks its ok to hurt children!

“Mind you, the other day I saw something on FB whereby people were in utter outrage because a lady had opened her front door, her dog shot out and straight onto the road, lady was apparently shouting at her dog to come back and continued shouting until it did and people were saying to call the RSPCA because shouting at a dog was animal abuse. I mean...WTAF?! Call the RSPCA because someone raised their voice to their dog?”

No, you didn’t.

@CosmicComet no what Horace needed was to be removed from the situation or given something to distract him. He’s a child, he was probably bored out of his tree being trailed round IKEA. In no way am I saying that his behaviour was ok; what I’m saying is that we need realistic expectations of a child’s behaviour, and techniques to manage them that don’t resort to physical violence.

I can't imagine hitting my child. Plenty of other tools in the box. I have a stern voice reserved that does the trick mostly.
And when they're little and need keeping out of harm you grab them out the way and tell them. Probably more than once !

@ferntwist my DS is 2.5 and has never been hit, and yet has never run into the road. That’s because I make sure he is firmly restrained when near roads, either on his reins or holding my hand (which he understands he needs to do when near roads as they’re dangerous). Simple, it’s my job as an adult to keep him safe, no hitting required.

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Today 19:00 MrsMuffins

@woodhill I imagine that if a parent is being repeatedly kicked by their child then their parenting hasn’t been stellar up to now. You reap what you sow unfortunately, kids aren’t born bad - but there are plenty of other ways to deal with bad behaviour than hitting.
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MrsMuffins

I certainly don’t agree with this! My first DC was full on, he never slept, he never listened he was determined and having never being hit himself often hit me and DH! I can assure you my parenting was up to the mark I never had a moment off from him and had to work twice as hard to get him to do things which my other friends kids easily done! He also went through a phase when he was about 18 months of making himself sick every meal time oh and spitting at us!!

He was never hit or spat at yet he showed these behaviours. I tried everything I could and would often feel judged by other people when out and about with DS. I felt like a failure! Disapproving looks did not help when DS would be trying to kick me in the supermarket or running away!!

DC2 showed up and was a dream... easy going, slept well and if I said please don’t do that you could get hurt.... low and behold like magic she would listen!! I didn’t change anything they were both given the same time and attention but both completely different!

I was dealt a more easy going child second time around!! Now I look at children acting up outside and I feel empathy for the parent most of the time... it’s so easy to judge!!!

No child is an angel they all have there moments but I know from experience some can be extremely hard to deal with and some can be beyond hard this dosent mean they have shit parents!!!

I am against hitting. I don’t think it solves anything at all.

But I also don’t like people judging others. I feel like everyone on social media is so ready to judge other parents!

@MrsMuffins 'removed from the situation or distracted'!? Erm no, 'dear little Horace' needs to learn to do what he is bloody told and have his parents not pander to him.

@Millionsofthings I hear what you’re saying, but my response to the other poster was really more about the parent’s response than the child’s behaviour. As you said, you didn’t respond to your child hitting by threatening to hit back, but you tried other techniques. I know some kids are harder work than others, but I also don’t believe that a child who repeatedly kicks their parent is doing that from nowhere.

Wouldn't 'NO!' or 'HOT!' etc. work just as well though?

I expect it would but actually admit to it and you'll get all the "How dare you raise your voice at a child" comments.

Streetwise? Eh? Yes, I did!

@PinkGin24 I don’t think it’s ‘pandering’ to a child to not have unrealistic expectations of them, and then punish them with physical violence when they don’t meet them. My husband moans when we go round IKEA, he hates it and he’s bored; I don’t think it’s ok to give him a slap to shut him up.

I was hit as a child - according to my sister, rather worse than I remember - and have never hit my own. I believe it is ineffectual at best and damaging at worst.
And yet - is it not curious that we are the only society at any time and in any place to believe that corporal punishment is wrong?

I don’t understand how people don’t get crippled with guilty. I smacked one of my DDs once and I can still remember feeling sick after it.
She’d taken a thing to head butting after being head butted at nursery. We had a plan in place and had repeatedly said no, removed her etc. Then one day she did it to get her younger sister and when I heard the little ones head hit the floor (she was sat down) I slapped her hand hard. And I felt sick when she started crying.
I never want my kids to fear me the way I feared my parents (generally violent, would get a slap for anything) and I was paranoid for weeks and weeks that I’d destroyed my relationship with her.

I hate the sentiment "If you were smacked even once as a child then you will be emotionally scarred for the rest of your life, have an awful relationship with your parents and will quite definitely go on to be a serial killer as you were shown that violence was okay." Anyone who disputes the fact that they are completely screwed up is told that "Well, your difference of opinion clearly shows just how completely traumatised you are."
Bollocks.
I was only ever slapped a couple of times during my childhood, when I was being very naughty and had gone beyond the point of reasoning. It was used as a very last resort when I was young to stop me harming myself, someone else or completely destroying my surroundings. When I got a bit older, cheekiness got a clip round the ear. Pretty much all of my classmates got similar treatment.
I am not traumatised or scarred, I have done well with my life and have a great relationship with my parents. I wouldn't ever smack my children except as a very, very last resort. Considering that a generation or two ago, virtually all children received corporal punishment far more regularly than me, I'm not convinced that the occasional smack is eternally damaging.

My kids have had the odd smack I feel no guilt.....I know lots of non-smackers that scream at their kids shout name call...better parents?...not in my book.

@ElevenSmiles but it’s not an either/or scenario - believe it or not it is possible to parent without screaming at or hitting your child

Bloody hell that is despicable and who the heck uses such foul language like that towards their children?! Disgraceful

Its those non-smackers...frustration...

It is illegal in some countries. We are so far behind.

ferntwist i don’t really understand the run out on the road argument. I’m being genuine - can you explain it a bit?

Maybe I’ve just been lucky with my children but they don’t repeatedly run into oncoming traffic? And if they did my instinct would be to grab them/shield them - when do people smack? After grabbing them back? And as for toddlers being too young to remember verbal scoldings - Both my children understood what “no” meant from before a year old and my two year old articulates clearly why you have to be careful on the road/hold hands because cars might come and it’s dangerous etc. I taught them these things from the start and there’s (thankfully so far anyway!) been no issues. Surely it’s just lazy parenting to randomly smack your child to “teach them” that lesson?

I don't get why people say smacking is wrong because you wouldn't smack another adult.... well I wouldn't put my husband in time out either, or confiscate his toys, or move him away from a situation when I think he's being naughty, or send him to his room. So it's a false equivalency.

Also how come you aren't equally horrified with the fact that he swore at his child like that? The verbal abuse is no worse than the physical.

And no I don't think smacking is wrong in every situation...I do think violence is though...or smacking without warning/ as a first resort.

@ MrsMuffins

The parents response wasn’t right at all.

I have been repeatedly kicked from my DS, things thrown at me, he’s ran away.... that has come from nowhere as he’s been brought up in a loving home.

Sounds contradictory but he has always been very loving. He just had a tendency to want to be on his own agenda and no amount of time outs or removing him from the situation ever really helped... it’s took a little bit of maturity on his part. Over time little by little as he’s got older he has improved. He still has his moments but thankfully the hitting has stopped!

I know he’s not the only one. I recent seen a friend or a friend post on face book that she was interested as to why her DD was hitting since she had never been hit herself!

I used to also take his hand firmly to cross the road, had a little book which had a story on how to cross the road... had reins.. when he was 2.5 I would just about manage to get him across without him gettting away. That also got harder as he got older... much harder to hold a 4-5 year old as they fight to get away while you have another little one but it didn’t mean I wasn’t being a good parent.

But I bet at some point someone has drive past me and seen it unfolding and thought how awful and came on MN to say how horrified!!

That’s just a general observation and not entirely directed at you. I just feel so many people now are so shocked/ horrified at other parents all the time!

@ID81241 not false equivalency at all - I bet you have all kinds of boundaries with your husband that you enforce (if you want to think of it in those terms). So for example you might stop speaking to him after an argument, or leave his wet towel on the floor to teach him to pick it up. But I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t hit him for it. Totally agree that the verbal abuse was also vile, but I hate this whataboutery - it’s not the case that being horrified about the hitting means I’m not horrified about the swearing and shouting.

@MrsMuffins agreed I have boundaries with my husband but the limit to those boundaries is not the same as with my child. Just because something is wrong to do to my husband does not necessarily mean it's wrong to do to my child, and vice versa. E.g., if I posted on here about my husband physically carrying me and forcing me to stay on the naughty step during an argument, most would agree that's abuse. Same scenario with a child is definitely not abuse. It's a false equivalency because we treat children in that way due to their inability to reason in the same way as an adult...so for some, smacking is the way they discipline a child which they would not dream of doing to an adult.

I'm not saying I agree with smacking but I do understand why some parents do it.

Point taken about the verbal abuse.

The least violent, happiest and most prosperous countries in the world don’t allow hitting children.

The end.