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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked that people still think it’s ok to hit their kids?

343 replies

MrsMuffins · 16/01/2019 18:40

Coming out of the supermarket this afternoon, a man was walking towards me with two kids, probably aged 8-10. As I passed him (quite a way away as I was heading towards my car) he said something to the boy along the lines of ‘I’ve f**king told you not to do that’ and sort of lunged at him. The boy literally cowered back, obviously expecting a whack. It really upset me - part of me thinking I wish I’d said something, and the other part shocked that people really think it’s ok to physically intimidate and hit their kids. Is it just me thinking that this kind of thing isn’t acceptable any more?!

OP posts:
TulipsInbloom1 · 16/01/2019 19:52

Up until the 90s it was not illegal for a man to rape his wife.

Was it ok that he did it?

PinkGin24 · 16/01/2019 19:55

@MrsMuffins, this is Mumsnet, majority with younger children. Namby pamby parents. Definitely bot representative haha.

Greensleeves · 16/01/2019 19:56

It really doesn't matter that it's legal. It's wrong, as anyone with an ounce of integrity knows without being told. Nobody on any of these threads has ever been able to give a sensible, principled rationale for adults hitting small children, because there isn't one.

It's the refuge of lazy, unskilled parents who weren't effectively taught any better.

Postino · 16/01/2019 19:56

It seems to be only people who were smacked themselves who think it's ok. The cycle of abuse Sad

Original poster
MrsMuffins · 16/01/2019 19:56

@PinkGin24 if that’s what you think then why the hell are you on here?!

OP posts:
Oblomov19 · 16/01/2019 19:57

I agree with Meredith:
"I don’t think it’s up to you to say that people
who say this are lying. "

I wasn't smacked. But I know people, in their 40's and 50's, who were, very occasionally and it hasn't done them any harm. Genuinely. Totally loving relationship with parents. They don't smack their children.

It's a bit different if you regularly cowered in fright. Or were hit regularly. Or like a pp poster beaten. Of course you were/are affected.

But you can't tell someone that they are lying. Are/aren't affected. Because some will have been. And some actually won't.

Greenglassteacup · 16/01/2019 19:57

Well no I was smacked very regularly and My view of smacking children is that it is disgusting

Tigger001 · 16/01/2019 20:01

I have actually just returned from the shop quite upset. I could hear a child screaming in the shop and after I had paid, I was leaving and seen a mother grabbing a toddler, squeezing his shoulder and shouting in his face, as he was Lay in the floor, No wonder he was crying, I hate seeing parents loosing control and grabbing and squeezing children. ( he just wouldn't go in his pram ) She stopped as she seen me stare at her walking towards to her and looked embarrassed.

I should have stopped and said "do you want me to stand with him while you take 5 mins to calm down" I definitely will next time. If people do that in public, what happens behind closed doors.

They are just bullies. For anyone who hits their kids, would they deem it ok for someone to hit them if they behaved in a manner the other person did not like. Karma is a wonderful thing, hopefully it will bite them in the arse one day.

User758172 · 16/01/2019 20:02

My Dad would smack me on the rare occasion. He’s the most patient man in the world - he was never rough, never lost his temper, never wanted to hurt me - it was the shock of him doing it that used to make me realise my behaviour was dreadful. And it was dreadful on those occasions.

I think the world of him and I couldn’t have asked for a better father. I can’t agree that it’s always damaging to a child, although there’s never an excuse for parents to lose their temper and intentionally hurt their child.

Pernickity1 · 16/01/2019 20:03

I don't have children yet bur if or when I do I will certainly smack them if they are naughty.

You can’t possibly know how you will treat your children until you actually have them. I wouldn’t be so definitive about it as I suspect you might change your mind.

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 16/01/2019 20:04

No children here (yet) but I was never hit and never ended up under a bus or burning myself on the stove. I was taught not to do these things with these things called words!

Trust me, I was a little shit, it is a wonder my mum didn't ever fully lose her temper but it goes to show this is not the only way.

Yanbu OP

TulipsInbloom1 · 16/01/2019 20:08

Genuine question to those who hit/woupd hit their children. How do you teach your dc not to hit others?

Parker231 · 16/01/2019 20:10

Smacking = poor parents and an excuse for an adult for their lack of control. They are a bully and shouldn’t be in the presence of children. Smacking is never, in any circumstances acceptable.

oblada · 16/01/2019 20:11

Oh come on! There is a lot of shit parenting and we cant make it all illegal. I don't think smacking is a solution but people do do it. I was occasionally smacked as a child and it definitely hasn't harmed me. I love my parents and i understand why they did what they did. I will certainly try my best with my kids to be the best parent i can but at times i may falter. A quick smack on the hand isn't the worse thing that can happen to a child. Being shouted at or sworn at is on par. Being ignored or put on naughty steps is similar. Being left to 'cry it out' is also similar. Being punished is also generally not constructive. All we can do is try our best. Let's not vilify the parents who may occasionally slap/smack, they are trying their best and this is a flaw in the middle of the bigger picture. Look at the bigger picture. By all means say that slapping is wrong and ineffective but no need to act outraged as if this is the worse thing you have ever heard (if it is you lead a very sheltered life).

staydazzling · 16/01/2019 20:12

Thankyou Oblada! you articulate it very well x

whatsthepointthen · 16/01/2019 20:13

My children dont hit others 🤷‍♀️

TulipsInbloom1 · 16/01/2019 20:15

And if they did?

staydazzling · 16/01/2019 20:15

I see, next time I'm at the end of my tether with my dp, or have had a tiff with my mum, I'll remember it's ok to give them a slap, after all they have pushed me to my limit!

the degree you have missed my point is almost impressive.

Original poster
MrsMuffins · 16/01/2019 20:17

@oblada but as another poster said - is it really just ‘a quick smack on the hand’? I very much doubt it - if I did that to my DS he’d just think I was messing around. So which is it - the light smack that barely hurts but equally is unlikely to have any effect, or a hard smack which has an effect but hurts?

OP posts:
Vedette89 · 16/01/2019 20:18

I was smacked occasionally as a child. On one occasion my mum really lost it and smacked me in the face and I bashed my head on the wall. I've brought it up to her as an adult and she denies all recollection of it but I vividly remember it. I wouldn't hit my kid.

disneyspendingmoney · 16/01/2019 20:23

I don't hit mine, even though I've been pushed to my limit and grind my teeth and fume and turn away.

I feel it's because there is too much garbage violence to be seen everywhere. That it keeps on perpetuating. I mean you see a couple of doctors in Gray's Anatomy, throw a punch at each other, oh and everything is ok. What message is that giving?

I had some brutal hidings as a kid that ended up with hospitalisation and the odd visit from the cops, was anything done? Nah!

In the main it carries on because there is no real consequence to it. It's a tough one to step into and deal with you see it happen, I have a good understanding of how I think the OP feels

Toughtips · 16/01/2019 20:24

Funny this. A mum came on saying she screamed at her young boy night after night when he woke up crying and scared, she threatened him saying daddy would have to leave home or he would have to go live at Grandma's if he didn't stop and she'd lash out and cry and everyone there was so supportive cos she had a new born and was tired.

How is that better than a smack?

Verbal abuse gets sympathies from posters but a smack or two gets this?

Strange.

Starlighting888 · 16/01/2019 20:26

I was occasionally smacked as a child, can probably count on my hand how many times.

Ridiculous to think this was a form of abuse, I’m sorry but I hear a lot of “please don’t do that - mummy has asked you nicely ” parenting with kids ruining riot. One stern look of my mum did the trick!

SquirrelsGold · 16/01/2019 20:27

I really don't get why people smack their kids. I keep getting told by certain dinosaurs in my family that my kids will only learn if I hit them back (like if they hit me in their toddler tantrums) I don't get why people still think it's a good idea, I like to think I'm not a judgemental person usually but I do judge parents who hit their kids.

UnrelentingFruitScoffer · 16/01/2019 20:31

I don’t think smacking children is a good idea and I have never done it.

I do think tolerance is a good idea. Some people have different lives and the prudish, po-faced mob of gloomsters on here cannot accept that. Children in some families face a host of problems and disapproving of their families because of a different opinion or practice on smacking is not helping them. As we all know, the practice remains legal.

If I wanted to go down this road I’m too late anyway - mine are 6 ft 1in and 5 ft 10 in already ar 15 and 13. So very much children, but any physical violence is only going to come from them to me.