y sister financially benefitting from our parents AGAIN - Theead 2.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My mom is due over in 20 minutes so let’s see if she turns up on time for a start......

Feeling very nervous and already feeling upset to be honest. I’m worried I’m just going to burst into tears when I see her

Thanks everyone for your support on the the first thread and I will let you know how tonight goes

My dad has just popped round to check I’m okay as my mom has been complaining to him. He told her that he wasn’t surprised by the text I sent her because what she’d done last night was inexcusable. My mom obviously then went mad at dad, telling him that she couldn’t believe we (as in me and my sister) were “sucking him in” to our game.

I don’t think she even knows what she’s talking about anymore. She doesn’t seem to grasp any concept of the reality of our situation.

Queenofmyprinces, I don't have any useful advice but I've followed both your threads and just want to say you should be immensely proud of yourself. You have conducted yourself so well in what must be a very confusing and hurtful situation. You sound like such a lovely person and so grounded.

I just want to send you a hug and wish you all the very best x

Im shedding tears watching Mamma Mia

There’s a scene in there which, even though it only lasts for about 5 seconds, portrays a true love between a mother a daughter and it just broke me. I know it’s only a film but I feel so sad that I’ve never had that type of relationship with my mom and I never will

Don't forget that your sister and dad understand your hurt; you may not have the relationship you want with your mum, but hold on to the relationship you have with them.

His mantra is always challenge the behaviour, just because we can recognise the root cause of why she does things doesn't mean we have to accept the behaviour.

I think that this is sage advice given by one who has had a similar experience.

Stay strong op

I wonder if your Mum is trying to hard to maintain the illusion that Dsis needs the money because if not... she's been giving money to one daughter and not the other for no reason. Your Mum needs there to be some justification for what she's been doing.

Queen, I know that scene, I understand

You may not have had the kind of mother daughter relationship you saw in Mama Mia, but you do have a wonderful relationship with your nieces. I had a difficult relationship with my DM (nothing like as bad as yours) but after she died I realised I was starting to repeat some of the things she did to me with my own DDs. It was a wake up call and now my relationship with them is so much better than anything I had growing up.

Some things can’t be changed (your mum’s attitude being one of them) but they can be stopped from repeating in the next generation. You sound like such a lovely person OP and you have been so dignified and thoughtful throughout this horrible situation. Give yourself time to mourn the myth of the relationship you thought you had with your mum and then try to focus on the good, strong relationships you do have with your own DCs, DH, DSis and nieces and your DF. You may have to accept that you may never have much of a relationship with your mum from now on, which will be sad and hard. But you owe it to yourself to not let that taint all the great relationships you do have.

Big hugs OP. I'm so sorry that your mum is being so shit. On the positive side though, your sister clearly cares more for you than she does your mum or the money. I suspect that your mum's behaviour is just as hurtful to your sister but in a different way. Your mum is basically saying she thinks your sister is totally useless and incompetent, and that must really hurt. I would step well back from your mum, and focus on enjoying the much closer and truer relationship that you and your sister have. You mum basically tried to divide and conquer you two, and it failed because you both care so much about each other.

I have a suspicion that your mother actually brought up the subject of the money for your nieces in the hope that YOU would flounce out. She could then bring your sister onto her side, have a good moaning session about how unreasonable you are, and put the blame firmly back onto your shoulders.

By your sister standing up to her, and the two of you presenting a united front, you have thwarted that plan. Hence her anger.

I've been watching your threads OP. Stepping away from your DM for a while seems like a good idea. You may never have that type of relationship with her, and it's natural that you grieve for that. But you will have that relationship with your children and your nieces, and probably more so because you will want them to have the loving relationship that you haven't had. If there is a silver lining in all this rubbish, that's it.

I hope that things have calmed for now OP.

TO be honest I’m feeling quite down about it.

Two months ago I felt that (although dysfunctional) our family worked in its own way, we all got on well, we were close etc and now it’s all gone wrong.

I can’t understand just how things have become so hopeless in such a short amount of time. When I first asked my mom about giving my sister money it didn’t occur to me that I could cause so much damage.

I’m sure my mom now resents me even more than she may have resented me before because of all the fallout I’ve caused.

I feel like every day is tainted by thoughts of the family nightmare I’m currently living in.

Sorry op

Dashing but just wanted to say - this isn’t your fault

YOU didn’t cause this. The problem was always there. You were just too nice/didn’t want to face the truth.

Frankly who gives a fuck if your mum resents you. She has treated you appallingly with blatant disregard your entire life. She should be more concerned she has failed her own daughter and made you feel like this.

This is why I think you need to speak to someone professional and impartial. To give you the perspective on this situation. It’s really not you or anything you’ve done.

Frankly who gives a fuck if your mum resents you. She has treated you appallingly with blatant disregard your entire life.

The rational side of me completes knows this.....but the emotional side of me is struggling. She’s still my mom afterall, she’s the only mom I’ve known and I’m finding it hard to accept that I will never get what I need from her. I’ve spent the last 20 years looking to her for some kind of display of love or for her to see me and treat me as an equal to my sister and those feelings can’t just be switched off

OP my mother is like yours abdhas disowned me (and told everybody she could that I've gone NC with her, not allowing her to even send letters to her GC...).

The rationality is one thing. The pain is another. Please try and speak to someone professional about this. Not to tell you the rational side, but to help you with the pain and confusion.

Oh I know. I don’t mean to sound so flippant. Of course it’s easy for me to say. I’m an outsider.

You sound like you’re grieving. Mourning the mother you will never have. And I think that’s natural.

But you spent 20 years trying to get your mother to show she loves you. 20 years. That’s no way to live. Think of this as a new start. You won’t spend the next 20, 30 or 40 years desperately trying to get your mum to love you. God that’s just heartbreaking to even write.

You’ve taken the power away from her. You’re no longer dependent on her love/affection to make you happy. (I think a counsellor would express this better than me! But hopefully you understand what I mean )

@QueenofmyPrinces that's so hard to get over the hurt of not getting what you need from your mom. My mom disowned me about 4 years ago now and I was heartbroken... she is a narcissist and wanted to be king pin of the family and she couldn't handle it when at 28 years old I started to stand up for myself and have my own ideas and choices:.. one of them was when I had a baby and named him a name she hated... she wanted me to change it... I refused and it wasn't long after that I was disowned.

It hurt like hell... I sobbed for over a year on and off but I can tell you that time does heal and those hurt feelings get easier. I now feel nothing towards her but I've been through a series of sadness, desperation, anger, etc...

I just don’t understand it.

I love my children so much, they are everything to me and as cliche as it sounds I do feel like my heart could explode with love at times, and I just don’t understand why my mom didn’t feel that way about me when I was a little child. I know she said she loved me once the PND passed and that she loved me in the same way she loved my sister but it’s not true. Even if she believes it, I can see that it isn’t.

I just don’t know how a mother can look at their young child and not feel that depth of love that I feel for my son’s. The fact she felt it for my sister but not me is really hard to cope with.

You will never understand it, because you are not narcissistic. Sadly, it really is that simple.

I understand the longing for understanding, for change. The tough thing is learning that while you can want that, it's not going to happen.

This is where professional help is essential. You can move to a place of acceptance with the right support. You were abandoned as a baby. The reasons behind that are irrelevant - the child you were is still harmed and is still trying to find the mother that was physically absent and is now emotionally unavailable.

This has to stop being about her and start being about you.

Please look at what you have, not what you are missing - your DH, your sister - both adults who love you and actively seek you out and want to be with you because of who you are. Ditto friends. Your own children and your nieces love you unconditionally.

Those on this thread can see you are an excellent person - complete strangers investing time in you because you are so very clearly worth much, much more than your mother will give, or is capable of giving.

A counsellor will help you untangle this. I spent years battling - counselling helped me beyond measure.

OP, I'd like to try and offer a perspective on your last post.

I definitely felt much more for DS2 than I did for DS1 when they were born. I had always put this down to the fact that DS1's arrival threw me into the unknown whilst DS2's didn't - it certainly couldn't have been caused by anything DS1 did! I cooed over DS2 in a way I never did with DS1. I couldn't tell you why.

The difference between me and your DM is that I noticed I was doing it. I felt bad for DS1, felt guilty that my feelings for him weren't as strong as those for his DB (because he must have noticed) and made a concerted effort to focus on him more. DS1 and I do clash a bit in terms of personality whereas DS2 and I don't, so that was a challenge and took a lot of time/patience (I am not noted for the latter); however it's paid off and now when I look at him (usually sleeping!!) I get that same warm glow I had with DS2. It took a little longer and I had to work at it, but it's there now. I don't know why it wasn't there in the first place but (I repeat) it simply could not have been anything DS1 had done. I always knew that.

The point is that having noticed it, the onus was on me to remedy the situation. Your DM should have done the same but I suspect she didn't have the mental tools to do so when you were tiny (I think intellectualising feelings wasn't so common back then). There is no excuse for her not accepting she's hurt you now though - that is purely on her.

I hope that some part of this is useful to you

You know I don't think your Mum does live your DSIS more she is appeasing her guilt & replaying her unhealthy childhood dynamics.

If she loved your DSIS she wouldn't be treating her the way she does either...

That initial euphoria you can have with some babies and not others isn't love. I had with my first and none of the others, she is actually the one I struggle most with "loving" probably as we quite alike and some big issues to do with my circumstances at the time.

Do I love my DC equally - yes. Do I try and treat them fairly - yes. Do I have favourite - no.

Your Mom is completely disordered.

contessa - thank you for bring honest and offering an explanation from the other side.

What was the age gap between your two children and at what point did you acknowledge and act on the fact that you felt more for DS2?

My two are 13 mo apart (DS2 was a bit of a surprise)!

I said to DH "Oh isn't he LOVELY" one night when DS1 had gone to bed - DS2 must have been about 2 months old. DH looked at me with surprise/slight sadness and said "You've never talked about DS1 like that". It made me do a double take, and then I felt bad for DS1 because I spent most of my own life feeling like my mother didn't really love me and I desperately didn't want that for him. So I tried to fuss him a bit more after that, which was challenging at times because he was, err, spirited as a toddler and DS2 was relatively a bloody delight.

But time went on, and he grew in stature and sense, and I held the line and tried not to say anything that I would wince at when he repeated it in therapy, and we seem to have now got to a stage where we have a halfway decent rapport. It took a lot of effort, but it was well worth it. I'm even hopeful that we will get closer as he gets older, because we can now articulate our feelings to each other and learn to appreciate the other's perspective (well I appreciate his at least; he does not always care for my 'no more video games' stance). We're not naturally well suited to each other, but I think we're both working at it.

I think that's the key thing. Both parties need to make an effort (or at least want to) and in your situation you're the only one who is. Your DM either can't see or won't see that she needs to bend and adjust too.