y sister financially benefitting from our parents AGAIN - Theead 2.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My mom is due over in 20 minutes so let’s see if she turns up on time for a start......

Feeling very nervous and already feeling upset to be honest. I’m worried I’m just going to burst into tears when I see her

Thanks everyone for your support on the the first thread and I will let you know how tonight goes

Honestly I think you're over thinking thIs one. She was probably looking forward to the posh dining meal too and would reasonably have expected your Dh to be a option for you. I think you are being unreasonable to be annoyed at her not accommodating you at the last minute. Her other plans are irrelevant to this in my opinion.

Tbf I think yabu on this one.

I’m sorry OP but I think it was really unreasonable to expect her to change those plans. It might’ve been a bit different had it been a quick trip to McDonald’s or something similar but she had booked an expensive restaurant as a treat and quite honestly it was something I think you should’ve expected your DH to deal with. (Which he did so all good)

I know you have been through shit with this whole situation but I think it might be time to get some professional outside help to talk though everything rather than people that have a vested interest in your drama and are egging you on.

I think it’s also easy to become a victim and see everything as another reason why you are being victimised. (especially when you have been treated poorly)

You are not BU. There is a difference between - you have plans you can't change and plans you won't change. If it was something minor it's OK to say no, but when people you love really needs your help, you do try to get things to work. I would have expected that from my dparents and would do that for my dcs.

I can only judge the situation based on my own values.

If my adult child needed me desperately as a one-off, to look after their child for theee hours, to enable them to do something that was hugely important to them (personally and professionally) and not doing it would be of huge detriment, I would never say no with the excuse that I had a table booked in a nice restaurant.

I just wouldn’t.

But people have different values and opinions m on what is important and different priorities etc etc and obviously my mom thought that her having a nice meal was more important than helping me out when I really, really needed her to.

My husband is a teacher so him having to phone in and say he wasn’t coming into work the next day was definitely not ideal and did have repercussions for him.

It would never have occurred to my mom that my DH should have taken the day off work because she knows he has a job where casual days off really arent feasible - she knew that without her help I was potentially going to be totally screwed.

Like I said, I know now what I can and can’t expect off her and to never ask for help again.

I don't think it is your values that are abnormal 😀. I expect from your thread that your mom would have helped your sister, so she has values. But as you have experienced they do not apply for you.
You have stretched long to make things work, well done, I couldn't have done that much.

lamdanish - that’s exactly it. I know that if my sister asked our mom for help in similar circumstances to what I did, my mom would have dropped everything for her.

On the plus side, your husband sounds like a good ‘un.

You have a box she's put you in. It's labelled able. You can't possibly need her help, as otherwise her positioning of you is wrong. Your sisters box has incapable on it, therefore anything she asks comes from a place of need. Your sister can't possibly cope as otherwise her positioning is wrong. But your sister has already shown her the labelling on her box is wrong, it won't do for your mother to have you both wrongly labelled.

FWIW my mil has dropped looking after my dc before when she's had to help friends/other family in need. She's similarly dropped plans with them to help us when we've been in need. She's rational enough to realise the difference between a need and a want, even when she wants to do the other thing more herself.

As an aside I had no idea you could wear discreet earrings in school. What about those cultures where earrings are more or less worn from birth?

Good luck with your troubles. In other circumstances I might not have been surprised your DM didn’t want to disappoint your niece if something special was arranged. But I see there is a lot of back story in this case.

Just FYI - my mum recently travelled for 1 1/2 hours each way to look after my kids so that I could attend the AGM of a charity I run and my husband could go to an industry event that might have been a good networking opportunity. There would have been no long-term repercussions if either of us had had to cancel, and nobody would have minded particularly, but she did it because I mentioned to her the sod's law style situation we were in.

I was profusely grateful, she wouldn't hear a bit of it and was more than happy to help. I know I'm very lucky and I did really appreciate it, but I don't think it's particularly exceptional for a loving parent and grandparent to do something that's within their power that makes life easier for their children (and to spend time with their much-loved grandchildren, which was the main motivation!).

Your mother's refusal to even consider changing her plans to help you with something so important (hell, if I'd met you once, I would have offered to help you!) is symptomatic of her indifference to your plight - whether that's your need to be treated equally to your sister, or your need for a couple of hours of childcare. It doesn't matter what you ask of her, she simply isn't prepared to do it just for your sake - she will only do what suits her.

just Wow.

Thanks everyone for your support.

I’m just so hurt by her nonchalance.

The session I had to attend was vital and if I hadn’t attended I would not have been able to enrol on the 12 week course and she knew that.

It was something very personally important to be, something that really matters to me and she knew that too.

Me completing the course would be a huge step in leading me towards a career that I have wanted for years and she knew that too.

Yet all that still wasn’t enough for her to want to change her dinner plans and help me when I needed her.

I’m sorry.....I know it was last minute of me to ask and it meant letting my niece down in terms of going for something to eat, but I just can’t gwr over it.

She didn’t even ring to check I’d made the course or not

'I was so, so, so angry and upset that I just stormed out.'

She possibly hasn't 'contacted you' regarding re your course as she fears further outbursts and wishes to avoid.

When is she next due to have your oldest overnight? Has that been arranged?

He’s due to go this weekend as he typically goes the last weekend of the month. I will still let him go because I’m not punishing him but it’s going to be a frosty handover.

I'd certainly avoid 'frosty handovers' where your dc is concerned.

She has your dc regularly overnight so she must be doing something right, and you obviously trust her implicitly with all the important stuff that goes with childcare.

I realise your relationship is strained but I imagine she now feels that whatever she does will be wrong.

As a parent with several DC I would have been rearranging with DN for the special treat.

It was an "emergency" childcare request she could have taken DN and DC still out and then done the special dinner etc later on.

It's just what you do to help your DC out isn't it.

When you have experienced this constant favouritism your whole life you know exactly what it's about. DH asked for overnight care for a big birthday of mine, "no" DSIS asked so her and boyfriend could go get pissed at a wedding reception that was doable by taxi and MIL agreed - stuff like this time and time and time again. DC similar ages (at school together) and my DC better behaved 🤷🏽‍♀️

I’ve always said she’s a great nan to my children, I have no issues/concerns regarding that.

That doesn’t mean her behaviours towards me (over the last few months especially) don’t matter.

If I’m honest I don’t think she cares one way or another if I managed to sort childcare and go to the course or not. She hasn’t been in touch to ask me because because I doubt it even factors on her radar, not because she wants to avoid an arguement.

random - it’s crap isn’t it?!

This is the first time that I have ever felt so disregarded by her. I feel that I don’t even matter to her.

Before all this came out months ago I don’t think she would ever have done this to me, but now it’s feels like she’s trying to punish me.

It’s like she’s thrown money at me to make her feel absolved and then she’s just washed her hands of it all.

I'd get your dh to drop the kids off and pick up.

If he can mildly, without making a big issue of it, explain that you can't bring yourself to face her because you are disappointed and need a bit of time, then I think that's reasonable.

She needs to know that you are upset but as you say it's not worth making a big deal of it. She is who she is and it's apparent now that she won't change so you just have to change your reaction to her and learn to detach.

Polite, civil and lc from now on.

Do you really want to leave your child with a grandparent who has already this week got one grandchild's ears pierced without their parent's permission? What's she got planned for him? blue hair

I'd be on the lookout for any unsual behaviour from your DS after he spends time with his nan this week, op. Ask him if there's anything he wants to talk about, anything bothering him, etc. Then when he says no, lead straight into a conversation about where he went with nan and what they did. Hopefully that'll link the dots in his head and he'll feel able to tell you if she makes any attempt at getting him onside. Of course she may not be the type to do that sort of thing, only you know if it's a possibility.