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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

y sister financially benefitting from our parents AGAIN - Theead 2.

547 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 16/01/2019 17:40

My mom is due over in 20 minutes so let’s see if she turns up on time for a start......

Feeling very nervous and already feeling upset to be honest. I’m worried I’m just going to burst into tears when I see her Sad

Thanks everyone for your support on the the first thread and I will let you know how tonight goes Flowers

OP posts:
OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 25/02/2019 20:45

*actual physical pain
I meant Blush

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 25/02/2019 20:59

My sister is in such a difficult position because when she found out about my mom having said no to looking after my youngest in favour of her own daughter she felt so bad. She knew that she had no control over my mom’s actions but she said that her first thought was whether I would hold it against her. She is worried that if my mom continues to act in these ways and show favouritism towards my sister’s children then I’m going to end up hating her (as in my sister).

I told her that of course I won’t and that my anger will always be directed at our mom and not her but she is still worried that our relationship may start to deteriorate because of how our mom is behaving.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/02/2019 21:05

I would point out to your sister that she needs to be more concerned about what Mom is up to between her and her own DC...

PandaSky · 25/02/2019 22:23

Remind me how old your niece is? Doesn't a parent have to consent to something like ear piercings?

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 25/02/2019 22:41

My eldest niece is 14 and I have no idea about consent regarding ear piercings?!

OP posts:
PandaSky · 25/02/2019 22:51

Just checked and no legal requirement in England (assuming you're in England). I'd be furious if my mum got my DC ear pierced without my approval.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 25/02/2019 22:51

I just googled it and parental consent is required unless your child is over 16.

So I guess my niece lied about her age (she could easily pass for over 16) or my sister actually knew about your piercings/meal, didn’t stand up for me in terms of encouraging our mom to change her plans for me and this is all some kind of fabricated story to protect herself?

It doesn’t make sense and yet again I’m feeling like I’m the outsider to some kind of secret.

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 25/02/2019 22:53

Cross posted panda - I’m glad you’ve seen something that says consent isn’t legally required. Maybe I was looking at outdated information then. It makes me feel a little better to know that all this potentially was done without my sister knowing.

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 25/02/2019 23:01

'I knew it wouldn’t be an option for my son to go with them so yes, I had asked her if she could take my niece out another day instead to help me out.'

How did you 'know'

It was an afternoon at a restaurant with a 14 yo and then her ear piercing. Your DN probably would have enjoyed having her little cousin with them.

TBH if you asked straight away if she could change her plans rather than take DS along I can see why she was reluctant.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 25/02/2019 23:08

How did you 'know'

Just because it’s a fancy place and definitely not the kind of place you’d take a toddler. When she told me where she was taking my niece I knew that she wouldn’t/couldn’t take my DS there and so that’s why I asked if she could do it another day instead because I needed her help.

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 25/02/2019 23:14

So you didn't ask?

She may have been happy to take him but not wanted to change her plans?

But I guess I still went to fancy places in an afternoon with dc.

Does she ever have your dc just for pleasure? Not just when you need a minder?

GenericHamster · 25/02/2019 23:22

Sorry OP :(

Fwiw I think if it would've been ok for your son to go to the ear piercing then your mum would've suggested it. I don't think she was ever going to help out and that sucks. It's okay to be sad about it.

PandaSky · 25/02/2019 23:52

Do you know where she got it done?
Even though not legally required, it looks like Claire's Accessories still want parental consent signed form. Maybe worth just doing a bit of investigating to see if your sister did have to consent or not.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 26/02/2019 01:19

QueenofmyPrinces, I should be in bed hours ago but had to stay for long enough to tell you that there just are not words to say how much I admire your level head and sheer good sense.

I wouldn't have been able in a million years to handle myself as well as you have all the way through this nightmare you found yourself in through no fault of your own. You have been amazing.

Your children are very lucky to have you for their mom.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 26/02/2019 06:55

So you didn't ask? She may have been happy to take him but not wanted to change her plans?

Well if that were the case then I’m pretty sure she would have offered that option wouldn’t she?

She does see my children quite frequently (at my house and at hers) and my eldest one has a sleepover with her about once every 4-6 weeks. She’s always had a good relationship with them in terms of spending time with them.

And thank you askingquestions and I hope you aren’t too tired this morning Grin

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 26/02/2019 07:04

'Well if that were the case then I’m pretty sure she would have offered that option wouldn’t she? '

I'm not sure, it sounds as if you asked her to cancel those plans

Just out of curiosity Would you have let her take him with them?

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 26/02/2019 07:12

Just out of curiosity Would you have let her take him with them?

Of course - why wouldn’t I?

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 26/02/2019 07:15

Was just curious

Got the impression you wanted her to completely change her plans with niece straight off.

Probably just me

FilthyforFirth · 26/02/2019 07:18

Ugh, sorry OP I thought you had turned a corner. She will always use these underhand tactics to subtly remind you that you and yours are second best.

I would never ask her for help again. Not go NC but dont give her the pleasure of saying no. Your kids may like her now but as they get older they will understand the dynamic. I certainly did. And they wont want to spend much time with her anyway.

Really sorry you are feeling down again.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 26/02/2019 07:19

I only asked her to change the plans because I knew she wouldn’t take my son to the restaurant she was going to with my niece. I do understand she didn’t want to let my niece down in terms of them having had to go somewhere else to eat but I guess I thought that in exceptional circumstances she would help me out and take my niece to that restaurant on another occasion.

Ah well - I guess it’s a lesson learned....

OP posts:
Mix56 · 26/02/2019 07:34

Did you ask your dad ?

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 26/02/2019 07:37

No, he’s away with friends at the moment, he probably would have been my first point of call if he was around.

OP posts:
Thegoodthere · 26/02/2019 07:38

So your mom couldn't change plans because niece was excited about the meal and the ear piercing... The latter of which she didn't know about until they got to the jewellery shop?

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 26/02/2019 07:41

Apparently. I guess she knew about the meal and the piercing was a surprise. I have no idea. I was too upset and angry to get into a discussion about it. It was all probably a load of bollocks to get out of helping me because she simply couldn’t be bothered. I wouldn’t put it past her to be honest.

OP posts:
Fishwifecalling · 26/02/2019 08:37

I agree that your mum isn't actually favoring your dsis, in that she doesn't actually care about whether she's pleasing her or you - as long as she's pleasing herself. It's just pure selfishness.

I also agree with the pp who says that now she can't control either of you through money, she's trying to buy your dneice instead.