y sister financially benefitting from our parents AGAIN - Theead 2.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My mom is due over in 20 minutes so let’s see if she turns up on time for a start......

Feeling very nervous and already feeling upset to be honest. I’m worried I’m just going to burst into tears when I see her

Thanks everyone for your support on the the first thread and I will let you know how tonight goes

It hurts too that since I text her and asked for space I have heard nothing from her m. She didn’t even reply to my message. I guess it would have been nice to have a text off her asking me to reconsider or apologise or telling me that she didn’t want us to lose contact etc but there’s been nothing.

It’s like she’s not even bothered.

I think she's angry and passive-aggressively taking your message very literally. The human thing to do would be to say 'Of course, I understand, take as long as you need'. I'm not sure she's grown up enough for that though, frankly. I'm sorry.

I imagine that she does want to keep contact with you, but right now pride and anger are overriding that.

She does not have the insight to see where she has messed up.
Good luck going forward. 💐

I just don’t know how a mother can look at their young child and not feel that depth of love that I feel for my son’s. The fact she felt it for my sister but not me is really hard to cope with

But you know it was her PND that started it, she literally couldn't love you. Its the only thing that she can't be blamed for.
I doubt she ever totally recovered, she functioned & got over the initial crisis, but probably didn't recover emotionally. HOWEVER, the finance, the baby sitting, the driving lessons etc, showed that it was acerbated by her narcissism. & unfortunately your father who could have stepped in didn't. He is not faultless in this. but at least is contrite.

As for not replying to your last message, I very much agree, she has taken at your word. She is angry, she has now be seen clearly & will want to punish you. but, you told her to leave you alone.

Try & keep busy queen, love your beautiful children, you DH who sounds wonderfully understanding, as this whole thing has taken up a lot of your headspace recently, take some time out from thinking about it.
I fortunately lived in another country from my mother, had I lived nearby I think it would have hurt me more, but out of sight & out of mind was perfect.

Come on now, you've asked for space and for whatever reason, good or bad, she's complying with your request.

I'm truly not having a go, take some deep (deep!) breaths and don't let this one small bit of the bigger picture become a focal point.

I had the i don't want to talk to you thing with my mother just over a year ago. After a lifetime of crap from her I realised that if I chased it would have been wrong and taking her at her word was going to be wrong so I decided to have some peace and pick the latter.

Slightly different situation but in fairness there's no right way when someone says that. Not that it makes you feel less pain over it.

I had pnd after dc2 was born, I didn't feel like I loved him for a while. For me it changed when I was having treatment and he smiled at me wind probably!. I got that massive rush thankfully. I imagine your mother thinks she got a handle on it, but I suspect she never did. That doesn't mean you should suck it up though.

I think everything's going to hurt you concerning your mum until you accept she'll never give you the mum daughter relationship you want

@QueenofmyPrinces - in relation to this comment you wrote: "When I first asked my mom about giving my sister money it didn’t occur to me that I could cause so much damage." You didn't cause the damage. Your mother did, by her actions over and over and over again and also by her attitude that she believes she has done no wrong and continues to go around with her head in the clouds and her ears firmly closed to listening to you, to your sister and to your dad.

At this stage you could all stage an intervention. Sit in a room together, the 4 of you and none are allowed to leave (which is including your mother). She may feel that you're ganging up on her but she isn't listening to you as individuals, perhaps she might listen to you as a group.
You could also put it to her in a fictitious scenario whereby everything she is doing to you and your sister is being played out by people unrelated to her and ask her how, as the mother in that situation, what she would do? Would that help?

Also, I think you're longing for a type of relationship with your mother that you can't have because she isn't able to provide it. It's desperately sad that she is behaving in this way but as she is you have to come to terms with never having that sort of relationship with her.

I really do wish you all the best in getting through this, day by day.

I’m nc with my family. I get pangs when I see films with close grandparents or see families out together etc etc.
But I just remember I had those same pangs before I went nc, as I didn’t have that then either. The difference now is I don’t have the associated bull shit and constant ramming of it down my throat.
There is no right or Wrong answer so those pangs will always be there in Some form.

Hi Queenof.

I just wanted to add my support. I can relate to the situation you are in (I have a fairly awful relationship with my mother, she walked out on my brother and I, she was only around intermittently when I was growing up) and I really feel for you having to come to terms with all of this.

I don't have a huge amount of practical advice, I just wanted to say that even now, after years of being fully aware of what my parents are like, I still find it hard. I have no contact with my father and fairly limited contact with my mother, and whilst that is very hard sometimes I would rather it be that way as it is better than the perpetual drama that came from having them all in my life.

I still get taken in by my mother though, and I get really cross each time when I realise that I've been played - yet again. It's really hard when you remain hopeful that things might be good in the face of all the evidence to the contrary.

I hope that you can find a level of contact that you are comfortable with. It's hard in the short term but long term you will feel the benefit. Sending you a huge hug

Thank you everyone, I know you’re all right.

My dad just called to see how I am so that was nice. He’s invited us all over for dinner tomorrow night (as in me, DH and our sons) so I’m looking forward to that.

I suppose I do just have to take it day by day.

I'm glad your dad is checking in, OP - he sounds like a decent sort. I hope you're alright this evening.

At least Dad has insight and is trying

How are you doing today Queenof?

Hi carpe - I have just put the boys to bed after having had dinner with my dad and at feeling ok I guess. Slightly more calmer than I have felt for a few days now.

My dad asked if I had spoken to my mom and I told him I hadn’t heard from her since I asked her to give me some space. I told him what I said here, that it hurts that she hasn’t even attempted to contact me but he told me she was too proud for that.

He said that my mom’s behaviour has been inexcusable over the last few weeks but rightly or wrongly, she is probably feeling hurt too,

He said my mom won’t be fazed about my reaction to all this as she knows I’m strong enough to stand up for myself, but she will be struggling to cope with how my sister is responding. He said that my mom is so used to my sister being passive and so now that she (my sister) is standing up to her (mom) she doesn’t know how to deal with it.

I had previously told my dad (and you lot) that I didn’t feel like my mom is the mom I’ve always known, that she seems to be someone completely different, and my dad has said my mom will be feeling the same in relation to my sister, in that she won’t recognise my sister as being the daughter she’s used to.

He thinks my mom will probably be aiming all her anger at me regarding how my sister is standing up to her, and that she will blaming me for my sister no longer being compliant (for want of a better word).

I said that my sister’s behaviour is proving to us, and herself, that she has some backbone, some pride, and that she can be an independent adult which I think is fantastic.

He said that whereas we (me and him) thinks it’s fantastic, my mom doesn’t and her misplaced rage at me is just covering over the fact that inside she knows she’s the one who has screwed up.

He told me not to expect to hear from her but that I shouldn’t take it as a personal insult against me, and instead see it for what it is, a woman who can’t bring herself to apologise even though she knows she should.

I told him that I don’t think mom even realises that she is behaving so badly and so it wouldn’t even occur to her to say sorry, but he said that beneath all her rage she will be fully aware of how messed up things are and the role she has played in it.

It was nice to see him and offload a little. He apologised again for all the discrepancies during mine and my sister’s earlier years and said that if he has any idea how much harm was being caused beneath the surface (I.e the way me and my sister felt about ourselves) then he would have done things so differently.

I thanked him for apologising (although I have told him he doesn’t need to keep doing it) and said that I just want to move forwards but if mom cannot be part of that then that’s her choice.

OP can I just ask a question?
Roll back the clock 10 or so years and your mother offers you the same set up she gave your sister. You ask ‘have you offered this same set up to my sister’ and your mother tells you that no she hasn’t.
Would you tell her that it’s unfair on your sister for you to get money/support and not for your sister to receive the same?
If I was your sister I absolutely would’ve told my mother that I couldn’t accept anything that wasn’t equal as it would be unkind to do so.

I feel your sister knew exactly what she was doing and that as long as you didn’t know then that’s fine. I’m sure she also knew she was the favourite, only a fool wouldn’t.
How are you able to gloss over your sisters behaviour? Do you not think she knew what she was doing?
Remember she was happy for you to work extra shifts to provide a holiday for her children while she was getting at least the same household income as you and your DH (as supplemented by your mother and father) and she knew this. Why do you think she was happy for you to do that?

I would be very surprised if your sister doesn’t end up making up with your mum quicker than you think with behind your back or not. I also imagine she will accept money from her without you knowing.

I feel your dad is just saying what you want to hear to keep you happy and stop you being angry with him. That’s not really understanding your point of view or showing remorse though is it?

I really want you to be wary OP I don’t think your sister is a victim, I think she is playing the victim as that works best for her at the moment.

A kind loving sister would not have allowed this to ever happen or they would’ve at least spoken to you about it first.

I thanked him for apologising (although I have told him he doesn’t need to keep doing it) and said that I just want to move forwards but if mom cannot be part of that then that’s her choice.

Your clarity here is really something to see. I'm in awe of how far you have come with all this.

Your sister is a grown woman and I appreciate you need someone that you feel you can rely on in your family. But she has benefitted and chose to take the money and now somehow it is twisted that she is a victim too. Your mother did come forward from what you previously described. But with you presenting a united front with a sister who got everything and is still getting everything if she chooses, your mother is in a poor position. A normal reaction is she is feeling ganged up on. Two different issues and where the hell is she really going to start with that. Stop including your sister in the relationship you have with your mother. You might find that things will move forward then. Stop telling your sister, things your mother has said to you.

Mum sister was a victim in much the same way I was in terms of never feeling worthy in our mother’s eyes. I always felt second best and so did she.

Yes she may have benefitted financially over the years but the damage to her self esteem was no less than mine.

Somehow I have to believe that my mom’s actions came from a good place.

Maybe I’m being naive, maybe some posters are right and that my mom, my dad and my sister are all in together, the nasty ones, all as culpable as each other, I don’t know.

All I do know is that trying to work through the emotions of dealing with my mother is about all I can cope with right now, without having to look for blame in my sister and dad and unravel their motives too.

I only have enough head space to deal with one fractured relationship at a time.

My mom has spent decades trying to drive a wedge between me and my sister and is still doing it now. I have little sympathy when it comes to her and keeping my sister out of our relationship so as not to make her feel ganged up on.

My feelings have never been her priority, ever, and I’m not going to start making her feelings my priority anymore.

I honestly think you should concentrate on your relationship with your mother independently from your sister. I’m not saying that for your mothers sake but for yours.

OP We don’t have anything in this, it’s not our family or our feelings. I think most people are just trying to help you see sides you may have missed or not want to face up to right now.

I think you should really dissect each relationship, each persons motives and each persons past actions separately. Then either rebuild or go no contact with each person on their own before blending the relationships together.

My mum also made a great effort to drive wedges between family members

This allowed her to keep everyone apart so nobody could discuss what she was doing and unravel her lies and manipulation

I grew up hating my brother because of all the terrible things he did to her (according to her) and my brother felt the same toward me.

It wasn't until we were adult and both cut out of the family that we were able to realise that she had lied to us both (and various other members of the fam) to keep us all disliking each other... this behaviour kept her as king pin

I would also like to say op that if your mum is a narcissist like mine there really will be no making sense of what she's done and what she is like... they're nasty people and would do almost anything to uphold their misplaced egos.. 'toxic parents' is a great book I really recommend it

You'll also spend your whole life trying to be good enough for a narcissistic mother but you never will be.... it's a total mind fuck and I'm sure your sister is as deep in the confusion as you are.

Take time to heal from the damage your mum has done and then take the other relationships from there... it might be necessary to draw a line under the past and take each relationship for what it is now... only because all the relationships are likely tainted in some way by your mums actions

Personally, the people who hurt me, are the people I avoid.
Keep your love & head space for your own children, your husband, your friends.
I repeat, The least hurt for you is to back off from all 3. Really.
Imagine you lived in another town or country, you wouldn't be in each others pockets, you would have the odd phone call or visit. What they do, or have done won't affect you. Because you won't be constantly thinking about it, with Sis & Dad repaying back snippets.

relaying

I think your Dad is giving your mother far too much credit tbh. I don't think is about her adjusting to her new view of your sister, I think this is her being horrid to one daughter and wanting to be peachy as always with the other.