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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

y sister financially benefitting from our parents AGAIN - Theead 2.

547 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 16/01/2019 17:40

My mom is due over in 20 minutes so let’s see if she turns up on time for a start......

Feeling very nervous and already feeling upset to be honest. I’m worried I’m just going to burst into tears when I see her Sad

Thanks everyone for your support on the the first thread and I will let you know how tonight goes Flowers

OP posts:
RandomMess · 16/01/2019 21:57
Thanks

Perhaps you can encourage your Mom to have therapy. I hope perhaps her being open with you means there will be a shift towards a more "adult" relationship between the two of you and hopefully your sister as well.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 16/01/2019 22:01

OP, that does sound like a massive step forward for her and for your relationship. I think you're already in a good place for this development, because you sound like you do genuinely feel for her regarding her PND. Many people struggle to get past their own anger towards a parent and onto the sympathy stage, so I think your situation sounds far more positive than otherwise.

She clearly views you as an adult, I think, but struggles to see your sister as one. My family had a similar dynamic with my grandfather and his two DDs; one was always his little girl, while the other made a point of being an adult. I think the latter relationship was far healthier and more life-enhancing for both than the eternal parent:child one.

7yo7yo · 16/01/2019 22:01

This all sound positive op.
It sounds like she’s “reflecting and repenting” for want of better words.
But. You mustn’t allow her to ignore her minimise your feelings. They are your feelings and they are important.
At some point you will have to discuss them with her.
You sound so lovely and balanced op (so your parents did something right) and so hurt and confused. I really hope it all works out for you.

JamPasty · 16/01/2019 22:05

Oh my word OP, you absolute star! Have a massive hug and get yourself a massive cup of tea/piece of cake. From an outsider seeing just a glimpse of this from the outside, I would say tonight was a huge step on the way to healing things in your family. You have been so much the bigger person in all this, and you should be very very proud of yourself. Your mum sounds like a very damaged lady, but the fact she could bring herself, after everything she's done, to admit all this to you suggests to me that she loves you very much, even if she can't articulate that or show it in a normal way. Bloody big hugs to you!

gamerchick · 16/01/2019 22:10

I do plan to talk to her at some point regarding my perception of my childhood to see if she can understand why I’m feeling so hurt, but tonight wasn’t the appropriate time

Why? I don't understand why you would want to hash over every single detail, she probably can guess.

I read your other thread this morning and it's pretty obvious this has been a long time coming. It's also pretty obvious that your mother tonight have you her everything emotion wise. She'll be feeling raw, vulnerable and exposed with long buried issues that have surfaced. Bringing up more of your childhood feelings will overload her, what exactly do you think you would gain from that? Satisfaction that she's hurting?

You have, right now a perfect opportunity to build a new equal relationship with her. Pushing this further may make her shut down completely because showing you her buried pain just wasn't enough for you. Let it go now. You've had your pound of flesh.

JamPasty · 16/01/2019 22:17

"Pound if flesh" gamerchick?! I can only assume you're trying to be deliberately goady to an OP who has gone out of her way to be kind to her mother, in spite of everything. If you're not, can I suggest you refrain from kicking people when they are vulnerable.

RhiWrites · 16/01/2019 22:21

Gamerchick. I think it’s because every time OP touches this wound more blood and pus comes splurging out.

She wants to drain it of all this toxic stuff and clean it properly so it can finally heal. Covering it up and pretending it isn’t there hasn’t worked.

If they can talk honestly then maybe they can begin a new honest relationship. It’s good that her mum has opened up but she hasn’t really accepted the massive differences in how she continues to treat her two children. Mum is shaken, but how much has she changed?

Go carefully OP. And trust yourself first. I know you feel you and your sister are in this together and I hope that’s true. But put on your own life jacket first.

VampirateQueen · 16/01/2019 22:58

When you do have that conversation OP please tell her that you were very proud of how open she was with you and that bow you want to be open with her, also express that telling her this is not to hurt her but in order to be able to move on with your relationship it is something you have to get out. Then tell her everything about how you felt, also tell her how you want the relationship to grow from here. Maybe write down what you want to say in a letter to read out to her, that way you can get it sorted in your head.

SparklyPusscatMug · 16/01/2019 23:20

Massive hugs OP, this sounds like a big step in the right direction Flowers

stayathomegardener · 16/01/2019 23:20

It sounds to me like 90% of the conversation focused around your Mums feelings rather than yours.

I hope I'm wrong and that this wasn't a calculated move to deflect.

Hats off to you for dealing with all this so well.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 16/01/2019 23:44

Well done op Flowers

Sounds an exhausting evening.

Sorry but I’m with stayathomegardener - I found it quite worrying she wouldn’t talk about your feelings/your view/your childhood but made it all about her.

I am genuinely happy for you. But please tread carefully. I hope I’m wrong but I got the sense of your mum deflecting.

Also - my dd has a friend who if she’s caught being naughty often plays the ‘poor me’ card and acts the victim so no one can possibly be cross with her. If you get people’s sympathy it’s hard to remain angry with them. I hope I’m wrong but it’s the first thing I thought of.

I’ve had Pnd so I know it’s not an imaginary thing! But I’d be wary that she refused to talk about you and emphasised how hard her life is. Even after everything you’ve been through in the last six weeks she can’t put you first?

2isur2isubicurtis4me · 16/01/2019 23:45

Just give yourself and her time to process all this,
Expect your feeling to change you may feel angry later but this is good and healthy whilst you work through.

Well done

NanooCov · 16/01/2019 23:54

I'm late to your threads (read the first one in its entirety today) and I really hope this marks a change in your relationship with your mum, though it goes without saying that can only really happen if she stops the toxic behaviour. A good start would be to begin treating all her grandchildren equally. Kids do pick up on these things - my grandmother treated my sister and I very differently from my cousins. Partly because our parents were better off (though certainly not wealthy) than my uncle and aunt, partly because they were boys. I was aware of the different treatment from an early age. Kids aren't daft and pick up on these things sadly.
I'm glad you've had so much support on your threads and that it seems to have helped Thanks

EggysMom · 17/01/2019 07:18

I share the concerns expressed above, that your mother spent almost this entire meeting talking about herself and deflecting your viewpoint. By admitting she only felt guilt for your sister and not acknowledging that it hurt you too, she's confirmed that you're a lesser concern in her mind. And whilst I agree that she cannot change the past, she could at least apologise for it (as your Dad has done).

Next meeting - and stress to her that there has to be a second, there has to be a balance of opinion - you need to talk about YOU and not let her monopolise the conversation. She's told you what happened, that's only half of the conversation. Now she has to listen to how that made and makes you feel.

EggysMom · 17/01/2019 07:20

I don't understand why you would want to hash over every single detail, she probably can guess*

Because sometimes these things do need to be said.

But you've expressed exactly the opinion my own mother would have. That' there's no point discussing the past. Do you think it has no bearing on the present?

ChrisjenAvasarala · 17/01/2019 07:33

Gamerchick, would you tell someone in therapy that they're wasting their time because "what's the point" since everything they're discussing is in the past and doesn't matter?

OP wants to be understood. She needs to feel listened too. Her mother opened up but it was all about her, she wasn't interested in OP's feelings and OP needs to express them. It's cathartic, it removes he underlying simmer of rage at her mum, it allows her to move forward. Her mum will be able to start doing that having expressed what she felt, OP deserves the same.

Sometimes all we need is for the person who caused the harm to just listen and say they understand. That's all.

MRex · 17/01/2019 07:59

Sounds like your mother had a nice long therapy session OP. It is sad that she didn't apologise nor otherwise address that you would obviously have been very hurt by her behaviour. She's explaining her actions in context, ok, but this relationship won't improve if she doesn't accept responsibility for her actions too. "Can't change the past" is just a cop-out way of refusing to apologise. You've been more than kind, but my worry is that she's doing this to fob you off, because she knows your sister is on your side. Be very careful. Other posters will give you better advice about the next steps, I wish you luck.

CraftyYankee · 17/01/2019 08:24

Alternatively, you could take her can't change the past attitude and respond with yes,but you can change the present and the future. So what would that look like for you and your family? Maybe think about how you would like all the relationships to be, and present that as a goal to work towards.

The words are important, but the actions going forward will be what counts.

gamerchick · 17/01/2019 09:46

Gamerchick, would you tell someone in therapy that they're wasting their time because "what's the point" since everything they're discussing is in the past and doesn't matter?

That are what therapists are for, something the OP could benefit from I think, as her mother could. Seperately

To satisfy years of pain you have to make a person really suffer for a long time. Then there's no repairing anything and it seldom works anyway. At some point you need to think whether it's repair or revenge you want. You can't move forward while looking back at the past.

The words are important, but the actions going forward will be what counts

This

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 17/01/2019 11:42

The words are important, but the actions going forward will be what counts.

This with bells on..... if your sister has influence, maybe she can help with that. Sorry, I know that will be hard for you op Flowers

StormTreader · 17/01/2019 11:53

I'm glad that the meeting was not the attack on you that I feared it would be, but also sad that its ended up being ANOTHER session of "but look how hard things were and are for your sister!".
Sounds like your needs and feelings got shoved aside yet again in favour of your mum leaning on you for support over how hard she and your sister have had it.

User758172 · 17/01/2019 12:01

I do plan to talk to her at some point regarding my perception of my childhood to see if she can understand why I’m feeling so hurt, but tonight wasn’t the appropriate time

Why bring it up now? It’s true that there’s nothing she can do to change the past and all the talking in the world won’t change that. It sounds as though she suffered and felt guilty for a very long time. No good can come from hashing all this out. It just seems cruel, and as though you want to punish her. Let bygones be bygones, forgive her and move forward in your lives.

Mix56 · 17/01/2019 12:23

oof I found you !
I think it's a good first step, your mother in the first time in her life, talked to you like an adult about her damaged life, it may have all been about her, & possibly deflecting your questions & not leaving room for you to tell her how it has affected you. But she did apologize over & over for the past. So as PP have said, it's how this moves forward that matters now.
I would send her a text & thank her for opening up, you know it is hard for her as she isn't good on showing her weaknesses/admitting her faults. & that next time it will be your turn to take about how you feel.
Then leave her some time, stay in "retreat" mode for a while.
Talk to your DSis, & tell her how it went. Firstly you know your mum wouldn't have come if sis hadn't asked her too so that in itself disappointed again. that DM agreed Sis was the one she had been compensating for since childhood, but no mention of trying to balance this in the future.
The immediate obvious action would be your mother's spontaneous gesture of splitting funds equally between all GC. if she has any intention of changing the dynamic in the future.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 17/01/2019 13:15

That must have been exhausting for you Queen. I would think now that both parties need to have a bit of alone time to mull over what was said and process it. If you feel that you didn't get an opportunity to speak about how you're feeling and have felt as a result of the actions of your mother, then you should at some time in the future have that conversation but I don't think either you or your mum is ready for that part after last nights conversation.

When you're ready, you might want to let your Dsis know how the chat/meeting went.

Best of luck to you!

EggysMom · 17/01/2019 17:29

Why bring it up now? It’s true that there’s nothing she can do to change the past and all the talking in the world won’t change that. It sounds as though she suffered and felt guilty for a very long time. No good can come from hashing all this out. It just seems cruel, and as though you want to punish her.

Another who doesn't seem to understand - the OP cannot move forward until her mother acknowledges the hurt she is feeling, not the guilt her mother is feeling.