Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

y sister financially benefitting from our parents AGAIN - Theead 2.

547 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 16/01/2019 17:40

My mom is due over in 20 minutes so let’s see if she turns up on time for a start......

Feeling very nervous and already feeling upset to be honest. I’m worried I’m just going to burst into tears when I see her Sad

Thanks everyone for your support on the the first thread and I will let you know how tonight goes Flowers

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/01/2019 20:42

Same old isn't it?

Your sister WILL always gave financial difficulties because she is INCAPABLE

Your feelings don't matter

The set up your Mom want must prevail AngryAngryAngryAngry

I am so looking forward to your sister bettering herself, proving to herself that she really is smart, capable, amazing and a fab example to her DDs.

I am looking forward to you loving yourself and accepting your Mom is incapable of loving anyone other than herself and her PND is a red herring.

SimplyPut · 20/01/2019 21:21

You deserve better than this. It's time to prioritise your own family. Did she even have the decency to pay for the meal that was going to be 'her treat'?

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 20/01/2019 22:31

She said it was ok for her (meaning me)
If your mother is referring to you as her in front of you, then it seems relatively clear how she sees you and sadly its not good.
Your sister needs to remind your mother that her DC have a father who isn't a deadbeat.

Bekabeech · 21/01/2019 06:45

Can anything be done to help your sister feel and be "competent". Help her improve her qualifications and get a better job?
I and several friends have started new careers in our 40s and 50s. So there is plenty of hope.

I do feel your mother has kept your sister dependent, and undermined her. Maybe feeling this is the only way to keep her close.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 21/01/2019 06:54

Thank you everyone force all your messages, support and advice.

I have text my mom this morning and told her that I’m hurt by her continued unfair behaviour, her inability to understand and accept the hurt she is causing me and the fact that she seems not to care about the damage she has, and is causing. I said that therefore I would like to step a back from our current relationship and have some time away from her to work out if things can even be fixed and whether it’s even worth trying. I asked her to respect my decision and to give me space and that I will contact her when I feel ready and able to.

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 21/01/2019 07:30

Well done Flowers

SimplyPut · 21/01/2019 07:52

How very brave, well done x

Mix56 · 21/01/2019 07:58

She won't listen, she will bring out the "poor me" card, & milk it to the maximum.
Watch out for the flying monkeys
including Sis, who may inadvertently become the one who relays the updates. Your mother will use this to justify her stance
Divide & Conqueur

Mix56 · 21/01/2019 07:59

Conquer !

mummmy2017 · 21/01/2019 08:35

Maybe you should bring out this sentence...
You abandoned me.....

woollyheart · 21/01/2019 09:23
Thanks You have been very clear and direct, and have taken control in telling her what you need.

You need space and time to recover from her behaviour.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 21/01/2019 09:25

Well done op. I'm sorry it all went to shit :( your sister did well to maintain the mutually agreed line, as she must have been under a fair degree of emotional pressure to give in.

Babyblade · 21/01/2019 09:28

So sad that your Mum has chosen this route - heart breaking.

Stepping back sounds like the only course of action for you - stay strong. Flowers

Auntpetunia2015 · 21/01/2019 09:45

Well done. But be sure she won’t let it go. She will have your dad sis and anyone else calling to tell you how much she’s upset. Don’t hold back in telling them exactly what she said to sis in front of you about giving money to nieces and the fact she referred to you as “her” whilst sat in front of her therefore completely dismissing you as an irrelevance.

Be strong. Block them all for a few days and focus on you and your family.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 21/01/2019 09:59

I’ve spoken to my sister this morning and she’s just as furious/disappointed in our mom as I am. She completely understands why I have decided I need to some time away from our mom and she said she doubts our mom will ever accept her role in the long history of fractured self esteem in both me and her.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and my head feels clearer.

I actually think our mom will completely retreat from both of us. I think she has got too much pride to try and get us to change her stance and ask us to reconsider.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 21/01/2019 10:01

Do you factually know if you are financially better off, if you take into account sis's job, XH's participation , any other aid ?
& mummy is right, she abandoned you both as children, but has abandoned you your whole life, & seems to justify it.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 21/01/2019 10:05

Mix56

I think my sister gets about £1300 a month with her job, £400 minimum from the children’s dad (they were never married) and he also pays out for extra things they need over the course of the month too. I don’t know about benefits for single parents so I cannot comment on what she receives financially in that sense but I imagine she doesn’t have much childcare costs?

Me and my DH are better off than her as we obviously have two incomes coming in but I definitely don’t think she’s in as much “financial need” as my mom makes out she is....

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 21/01/2019 10:14

I feel sorry for both of you. You have had your self esteem shattered in one way, your sister in another. I can understand your Mum wanting to support your sister, but that support should have been to help her get better qualifications/job not with money. It's probably held your sister back.

Mix56 · 21/01/2019 10:44

OK, but sis has no childcare to pay for, I expect actually there is little difference between your incomes. So currently, the "need" is similar.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 21/01/2019 10:55

If your ds receives about £1300 a month for her job she’ll also receive certain benefits on top of that, plus she can claim
70% of her childcare costs. Add that to the £400 a month she gets in child maint, she’s prob bringing in over £2000 a month with very little to pay in childcare. So she won’t be as bad off as your mother likes to think. No to mention discounts she’ll get as a single parent (35% off council tax)

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 21/01/2019 11:04

Mine and DH’s average joint bring home pay each month is about £3’800 so much better off than my sister and as has been mentioned I’m in a very fortunate position to be able to do extra shifts to bring in more money when needed.

I have always said that I don’t need any money off my parents and would never accept it if offered, I do not need any money saved for my children because me and my husband already do that, so this has never been about my sister being given money but not me in terms of “financial need” it’s purely just about the lifetime of unfairness and how that the unfairness is now being filtered down to our own children.

Deep down I’m sure our mom knows that my sister isn’t in a financially unstable position and she know that her Ex is very decent when it comes to paying for his children in terms of maintenance and paying for extras, but she still seems to want to make out my sister is in need of her financial help. I can see it for what it is though now after all the advice I have received on here, it’s just my mom’s way to retain a dependent daughter and allow her to act the saviour and doting mother to enable her to feel less guilty about walking out on her.

OP posts:
Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 21/01/2019 11:45

I can see your starting to see it now but I don't think you realise that your mom has always been like this.

You've always felt like you had a good relationship with her and you did when you were a compliment party in that relationship.

This type of situation has never arose before because this is the first time you have ever stood up (not to her, because you didn't do that) but for your needs and rights within your family.

She couldn't believe you had the audacity to even question her power so she then reverted to higher controlling behaviour to get you "back in place"

Once she thought she had got everyone back into their rolls she tried to reinforce the behaviours she had in place before and when that (surprisingly) to her didn't work, she enacted a final ultimate power move at the dinner as an overt show of power to crush you and emotionally manipulate your sister but you didn't. Neither did your sister.

I'm sorry if you didn't see it before. It's such a hard horrible lesson to learn but the good thing is that you will never again be controlled. The relationship with your sister and father has seemingly strengthened and is far more honest and equal.
It's hard to tell the future with your mother.

Mix56 · 21/01/2019 13:52

I realize that Queen, my thoughts though were, apart from M needing to be seen to save sis, the idea that sis is worse off than you is flawed

umberellaonesie · 21/01/2019 15:35

My MIL also had PND and was absent from the baby which caused the PND for a substantial period. Your mother's behaviour very much reflects the behaviour my MIL displays towards her children. So just a hand hold your not alone.
My husband has had to cone to terms with the very different relationship he has with his mother compared to his siblings. His mantra is always challenge the behaviour, just because we can recognise the root cause of why she does things doesn't mean we have to accept the behaviour.

Robin2323 · 21/01/2019 17:25

You are doing so well op.

Swipe left for the next trending thread