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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

y sister financially benefitting from our parents AGAIN - Theead 2.

547 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 16/01/2019 17:40

My mom is due over in 20 minutes so let’s see if she turns up on time for a start......

Feeling very nervous and already feeling upset to be honest. I’m worried I’m just going to burst into tears when I see her Sad

Thanks everyone for your support on the the first thread and I will let you know how tonight goes Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 20/01/2019 14:09

My sister didn’t know that my mom was saving money for my nieces.

And my sister doesn’t actually have the money to share as it’s sitting in a bank account belonging to our mom. It was my sister suggesting that the money be equally spread across all the grandchildren that led to my mom walking out.

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WhoKnewBeefStew · 20/01/2019 14:28

I’m actually wondering what your mum expected to gain from doing this. Maybe she thought that now she’s had her little heart to heart and off loaded at you, she has now justified her behaviour and it’s now acceptable Shock

I honestly think she has some behavioural issues, and she will never be able to behaviour in what we consider ‘normal’

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 20/01/2019 14:35

I was just so gobsmacked as she knew the whole issue with our childhood was the feeling of being second best, she knew that her appearing to favour my sister was at the crux of all my hurt yet she still said that’s to my sister in front of me!! It was like an overt snub on my family and she must have known it would hurt me? It’s seems such an incredibly spiteful and malicious thing to do.

To be honest I had to bite my tongue from telling her what a vile bitch she was. I know that sounds awful now but at the time that was truly what I thought of her.

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 20/01/2019 14:46

She’s a narcissist, so normal thinking doesn’t apply to her Confused

MRex · 20/01/2019 14:55

It's not too late to tell her she's a vile bitch if you want to. She is.

Mix56 · 20/01/2019 15:18

It ended badly, it was always going to happen.
She really expected sis to go along with it. she always has before. She must be livid that sis refused. & this time it's not you that is being "unreasonable"

Now what ? I would let her stew. There's no reasoning with batshit

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 20/01/2019 15:29

Now what?

I have no idea.

I have text my sister to ask if she has heard from our mom but she’s not replied yet.

I predict I’m going to get a phone call off my mom, playing the victim, crying about how my ungrateful sister has thrown her generosity in few face....

OP posts:
Itstimetoscream · 20/01/2019 15:31

Why are you leaving yourself open for more hurt? Block your mums number for now until your ready to deal with her and then wait for her to reach out.

7yo7yo · 20/01/2019 15:53

If she calls you tell her your not interested, that you can see she’s trying to cause trouble between you and your sister and to stop fooling herself that this is all down to PND. It’s actually just that she’s a nasty person.

RandomMess · 20/01/2019 15:57

I would only text your DSIS asking how she is and if she's ok stop giving your Mom time and space in your thoughts etc. Save it for the people that matter!!!

I would spend some time with your DSIS including your DN, your DC and DH so it isn't always focused discussing Mom issues... just normal bonding, support building family chill out time.

NoFucksImAQueen · 20/01/2019 16:18

stop bothering with your mum, she doesn't deserve you and if she ends up alone she will have brought it on herself. there's only so much you can blame on childhood and at some point she's going to have to take responsibility for the way she is still continuing to behave. I mean you had a similar favoured sister childhood like she did, would you ever treat your children so differently? no of course not because you're not a nasty piece of work

worriedunimum · 20/01/2019 16:55

Sorry Queen I missed the last bit that your sister had suggested sharing it out equally, as it as that, that triggered the blowup. Many apologies for my mistake.
And I wasn't getting at your sister, with my comment, just that in your Mum's warped perspective, why wouldn't your sister just "carry on" as before? After all, that's what your Mum presumably expected, so from her egocentric perspective, that's what would therefore happen.
Anyway, it's all horrible and yes if it were me I'd go full NC with Mum, and concentrate on your family and building an even better relationship with your DSis.
Un Mumetty hugs to you and Flowers xxx

Bubs101 · 20/01/2019 17:10

havening read the whole thread, I think you need to go NC with your mum for your own mental health. Your mum has shown you time and time again how little you mean to her and it's time to draw the line.

MumW · 20/01/2019 17:12

I predict I’m going to get a phone call off my mom, playing the victim, crying about how my ungrateful sister has thrown her generosity in few face....
Either tell her to fuck off and put the phone down or ask her if she really has learnt nothing from the last few weeks and put the phone down.

eddielizzard · 20/01/2019 17:15

Your mum seems a tad narcissistic. The next time she does something like that, look at her and say 'So you still think I'm imagining you favouring sister then?' but actually I'd go NC. She is seriously damaging.

The cat's out of the bag, you've taken the red pill, you see everything for what it is and your mum doesn't like the new status quo. She's trying to get back to the old regime where she gets to do what the fuck she wants.

Your dad seems fabulous OTOH, as does your sister. She clearly doesn't want this favouritism to continue either.

PanamaPattie · 20/01/2019 17:23

Pleases stay away from your mom. She is so toxic it makes your eyes sting. Please go low contact with your sister for a while as well. You might think about concentrating on your DH and your DC. They are your family. Everyone else is too draining. They are making you unhappy.

Neverunderfed · 20/01/2019 17:39

Are you sure that she hasn't been having conversations with your sister that you don't know about? Cause either she really is that dim with regards asking about the savings in front of both of you, or your sister has been playing the long game and strung her along a little bit in the hope it will all calm down and she can continue being favourite. Because it has not bothered her at all until now...

woollyheart · 20/01/2019 18:04

Your mother doesn't think she has to take responsibility for anything. It is all someone else's fault.

If she phones, just tell how deeply disappointed you are in her inability to take her responsibilities seriously and be fair to everyone.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 20/01/2019 18:39

I'm sorry it has come to this. It doesn't sound like she was interested in solving the (fairly obvious) problems in your family, just in making sure that nothing was her fault. I think you probably need some distance, even if it's just for a while, to allow you to gather your thoughts. Unfortunately, your mother just doesn't have what you need from her and it may take a while to work out what you want to do about that.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 20/01/2019 19:01

Well done to your sister for saying that. That can't have been easy for her. She's been in just as defined a role as you and I'm glad she's standing up for your dc too.

Clearly your dm thought that by offloading on you it meant you'd accept brig our back into the role she assigned you.

I can't tell you what is best for you to do now. All I can say is you need to accept that your mother favours your sister over you and that isn't going to change. You need to decide yourself what that means for you. Personally I'd back away and go as low contact as possible.

kateandme · 20/01/2019 19:27

your mum doesn't get it.its not logical what shes doing so someone of calm sound and lovely mind like yourself wont get her thinking.but think of that as some sort of relief hun! the fact you cant desipher what the fuck shes up to means you are ok.but trying to think why why why or what she is doing will sink you into such a weighted feeling of angst.but you just cant get it.stop trying to.
think of it as some form of illness almost.and ok this si what mum does.let it go.ok her saying this is part of her "illness" let it go.
if she is not groveling at your feet trying to make up for all her shit then that is on her.she is in the wrong here.NOT YOU.
and what your sister did was really nice.must have taken guts.it must be nice ins some ways to feel your being looked after and all her life shes had this.so for her too shes been a victim pushed into a role and no matter how much you love someone,suddenly have a safety net of money and care must be hard to step away from.i think she is really seeing that now.and unlike your mum she clearly wants what is best for you and for you to feel loved.

kateandme · 20/01/2019 19:31

could you really decide to take some time away?
every time yo utry to heal your bought back in with these little teases of both hope and then trodden on all over again.and then more hope. and so youve constantly got one hand out of the boat instead of sailing away to your own shore.
you need to heal.
you need to think what it means that your mum wont change and on your terms how can you live with this.
but keep reminding yourself that this isn't your fault.whatever you do next you need to keep that in mind.this isn't anything you have done.throughout these years you are innocent in this.

RavenMaven · 20/01/2019 19:37

I wonder if in some warped way your mum thought she was doing what you had asked by having the conversation openly?

She fucked up, totally, and I don't disagree that she's a vile bitch. But it might explain why she got angry... I guess whether or not this is likely depends on what she does when she's had time to reflect but either way I think unless she's able to listen to you and really hear what you say rather than talking about herself, distancing yourself for a bit might be the best option for you and your sanity. Which I think you deserve to prioritise at the moment

Mix56 · 20/01/2019 20:13

In a harmonious environment, she asked the money question, Sis said, "no I'd rather it was split between all GC".
Why didn't she say, "Blimey really ?" ,or "I'll think about it" or "It's mine to decide"
No she went into a out of control nose dive
Clearly this is not a rational thinking person. She is damaged, she cannot give what you want, & she will never be wrong

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 20/01/2019 20:31

I think she was embarrassed that my sister stood up to her and that embarrassment came out as anger!

She told my sister that she was disadvantaging her daughters just to try and prove a point and “look good in front of your sister” and that she (my sister) should decide what matters more, her daughters having a good start in their adult life or sparing your sister’s (mine) feelings!

She said it was ok for her (meaning me) to moan about her children not having money saved for them but they weren’t the ones being raised in a household of financial difficulties! She then turned to me and asked how I could justify taking money off my nieces who will need it, and give it to my children instead just so things can be equal.

It was all said so spitefully. I just couldn’t believe it. I honestly just couldn’t speak because my brain couldn’t compute what she was saying.

My sister then jumped to my defence and our mom just lost it, had a rant at us and left.

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