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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

y sister financially benefitting from our parents AGAIN - Theead 2.

547 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 16/01/2019 17:40

My mom is due over in 20 minutes so let’s see if she turns up on time for a start......

Feeling very nervous and already feeling upset to be honest. I’m worried I’m just going to burst into tears when I see her Sad

Thanks everyone for your support on the the first thread and I will let you know how tonight goes Flowers

OP posts:
Mix56 · 19/01/2019 11:01

I repeat, you need to go into retreat mode. ideally move away
You need to stop these frequent meet ups, you need time & distance
IMHO your relationships will never be as before. lets say. It's fractured.

SoaringSwallow · 19/01/2019 12:33

OP I read the start of your initial thread and have just caught up.

Your mother is never going to give you what you want and need. Either she's a narcissist or she's very damaged - or both. She can't do what you need. She simply can't. And I'm sorry for that. My mother is the same.

She has turned this into her being the victim TO EVERYONE. The betrayal when your mother wants you to look bad/her to look good at you expense is biting.

She won't change, she can't.

Some good advice I read on Mumsnet years ago for dealing with narcs is to only ever give them factual info, never emotional info. The former they have a hard time hurting you with, the latter they'll keep for a rainy day, if they can't use it immediately. Until my mother went NC with me (because I'm such an ungrateful daughter and my mental health issues are purely because I can't focus on "what's done is done" - exact words, sound familiar? - and get on with things) I followed this, sticking to facts only and it was great!

Susan Forward Mothers who can't Love is likely to be useful and of interest to you. It's written for the daughter.

ssd · 19/01/2019 14:31

I'm not trying to discredit any posters here who suggest counselling, I'm all for it if it would help you op.

I'm just a bit sick of seeing counselling as the be all and end all for any family dysfunction on MN.

I had counselling, at £45 for 40 minutes. I had 4 sessions and as a min wage worker that's all I could afford. I also had CBT through my GP, which was ok at the time but didn't work for me.

All I'm saying is, counselling takes a hell of a lot of money and even then, it doesn't fix anything necessarily. I Know its meant to change how you view things, but to me time and distance are what the op needs, her feelings are too ingrained to be fixed with counseling.

I know I'll be hammered here for saying that and it sounds like the op can afford a lot of counselling, which might help her, all I'm saying is for most of us out there in the real world paying for the amount of counselling to really make a dent in things is way out of our reach.

Again I'm not having a pop at anyone and this is my own opinion, obviously.

Weezol · 19/01/2019 15:40

ssd A number of charities offer free counselling - I had two years with Rape Crisis. Depending on your need, a bit of digging on the internet should be fruitful. A friend has free telephone counselling with MOSAIC for example.

Hope you find something useful Flowers

woollyheart · 19/01/2019 16:05

Remember that your sister has spent her life being considered unable to have a career or look after herself or her children. It isn't easy for her to readjust to a reality where she believes that she is independent and can do these things.

Her children are now also being treated as if they will be unable to look after themselves, and it is being assumed that their mother and father won't do a thing for them. This is obviously untrue.

Although your children may be forgotten in terms of financial handouts, they won't be handicapped by other people teaching them that they are incapable of being independent.

From your point of view, I would point out that you would prefer all the children in the family to be treated fairly and in the same way. So dm really shouldn't give assistance to one that she can't afford for all equally.

ssd · 19/01/2019 19:00

Thanks weezol

Purplepinkpurple · 19/01/2019 21:31

How was dinner @queenofmyprinces ? It's awful what has happened and you have coped so well with it all x

Weenurse · 19/01/2019 21:43

Finally have read it all.
I think there will be a lot more water under the bridge before anything is resolved.

Maybe step away from the drama and examine how you feel, and what you need to move forward.
Fix yourself before trying to help others.

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 20/01/2019 09:57

I think perhaps that I would look at yourself and your sister as two victims of a very disordered and manipulative Mother. Your Mother has spent your entire life trying to split what you and your sister have, out of pure jealousy. Yes your sister has made some awful choices, however, given her choices were steered by the emotional abuse of your Mother, I have to think that your sister would have chosen differently had she had a loving and supportive Mother.

Your achievements are no reflection on your parents, you have achieved what you have in spite of the emotional abuse and benign neglect of your Mother. Your Mother’s narcissism saw her bragging about you, purely to take praise for your successes.She used your achievements to belittle your sister and beat her into her role as her beloved, broken child, who in her absence had utterly failed to thrive without her Mother there to take care of her. She needs your sister to remain broken and weak, needing her, to inflate her own sense of importance.

You fought to make your Mother proud, as you desperately wanted her approval and love. Your sister felt she could do nothing at all to even begin to be as successful as you.

I am in no means dismissing your abandonment or the emotional abuse you have suffered (which has clearly had a lifelong impact on you), however your Mothers savage cut to your umbilical cord has allowed you many more freedoms than your sister. You have been very much allowed to spread your wings and soar. Your sister has been entrenched with your Mother constantly belittling her and making her feel broken and inadequate. Your Mother hasn’t allowed your sister to even grow into a fully functioning adult, who is capable of standing on her own two feet.

I wouldn’t be too hard on your sister. She has a lot of healing to do and hopefully a lot of growing too. She will need your support and encouragement to learn that she doesn’t ‘need’ your Mother and that she is a capable, strong and intelligent woman.

QueenofmyPrinces · 20/01/2019 10:04

Sorry for the late reply - I accidentally left my phone at my sister’s house last night and have just got it back.

It was dramatic last night as expected. It started off pleasant with our mom chatting to us about anything and everything, normal day-to-day conversation as if nothing had happened.

However, completely out of nowhere she said to my sister, “So what about the money for (niece’s names) then? Do you want me to keep saving for them? You haven’t told me yet?”

It was so awkward and I can’t believe she did it - it seemed to intentionally nasty. It made me feel shit and it made my feel embarrassed. The atmosphere was horrendous and me and my sister just looked at each other in disbelief that she’d bought up her “favouritism” so openly and in such a casual manner.

It was awful.

My sister said she didn’t feel comfortable about money being saved for her children and not mine and she’d rather it all be shared. This then led to a massive showdown resulting in our mom walking out.

OP posts:
aaaaargghhhhelpme · 20/01/2019 10:18

I think a showdown was inevitable. Sorry it was so shit

On the positive side it’s good your sister stood up for you.

I really think you need to disengage with your mum. You are not going to get what you want from her. She is completely narcissistic. Other people have posted some very good references, books and threads to read.

Again I think you need someone impartial to help you out of this. I sense you just want to make things right - you don’t like tension. However - through no fault of your own - you can’t play happy families right now. You’re setting yourself up for a whole world of pain.

What do you want to do?

RandomMess · 20/01/2019 10:22

Well your Mom wanted your DSIS to choose sides and was not expecting her to stand up against her favouritism....

I am relieved your sister saw through her behaviour, you will both be needing support and help to change for years to come.

No doubt the flying monkey aka Dad will be in touch soon enough!

There is no doubt now that for your Mom it was about power and as the daughter of a dysfunctional family she has done everything she can to perpetuate that rather than the opposite.

ThanksThanksThanksThanksThanksThanksThanksThanksThanksThanks

Tistheseason17 · 20/01/2019 10:24

I'm so sorry, OP.
Focus on yourself and your sister. I think going non contact would help.

ChrisjenAvasarala · 20/01/2019 10:25

So your mum has been told by your dad, you and your sister that what she is doing is unfair. Your sister asked her to share the money she planned to give and instead of thinking "well, if their own mother thinks it's unfair and wants the money shared then maybe it is unfair and that's what I should do", she just stormed off?

Being told by the one benefiting from it to share the money and refusing just shows that she really does not care about you or your kids as much because she doesn't want to give them anything.

RandomMess · 20/01/2019 10:34

It also shows that she doesn't think your sister's opinion matters/counts or it is meaningless - what a slap in the face to your sister that she is so incompetent her opinion is invalid Angry

Itstimetoscream · 20/01/2019 10:35

It's time to go low contact with your mum now.

cstaff · 20/01/2019 10:38

Fair play to your sister. That can't have been easy for her. Your mum has made her dependent on her all these years and once your sister realised what was really going on she gave up not just the financial support she had but also any emotional support (I use that term lightly).

You two really need to stick together and have each other's backs.

Tbh I can't imagine not having my mum in my life so I can't even begin to understand what you are going through. Flowers

mummmy2017 · 20/01/2019 11:00

Please don't let you mum split you and your sister up as a unit.

You could text your mum, you still don't see that I love you, but each time you favour sisters children over mine it is like you are abandoning me yet again as your child.
If you loved both of us the same this would not be happening, your actions are hurting both sister and myself.

MRex · 20/01/2019 11:11

Oh dear, your mother is really quite evil, she was so certain that your sister was bound to her and that she could deliver a slap in the face to you by showing it. Even now when she is supposed to be fixing things, she actively wants to hurt you. I'm glad she was wrong. I don't think you should see her; work on your relationships with your sister and your dad if you'll find it helpful, but I can't see how there is anything good to be gained from you ever seeing your mother again.

Yulebealrite · 20/01/2019 11:12

She's not learnt a thing from the last few months had she?

She thinks that now you know the reasons for the favoritism, you'll forgive it all and allow it to continue because, after all now you know why she does it.

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 20/01/2019 11:24

I’m so sorry that everything kicked off so majorly last night.

Unfortunately your Mother will never accept that she is anything but a perfect Mother. She is desperate to retain control over your DS! To bring up her savings for your nieces is evidence of that. I hate to say it, but your Mother would happily walk away from you OP. She doesn’t care about you or need you, she doesn’t care about your sister either (as a narcissist she is incapable of love), but she needs your sister to inflate her own sense of importance, to make her feel like a wonderful Mother and Grandmother. You and your sister standing together and refusing to allow her toxic behaviour anymore, means that her weaknesses as a Mother can no longer be denied. She is desperate now and will do anything to return everyone to their former roles, so that she can continue to convince herself that all is well.

Your sister has chosen you OP. You can get the love and care from each other that your Mother has never been capable of giving.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 20/01/2019 11:27

I'm so sorry your mom did that to you both last night. Well done to your sister for standing up to her and saying mom should be saving for all the children or none of them. Because that is the only right thing to do under the circumstances.

SimplyPut · 20/01/2019 12:58

I am so sorry to hear that, you genuinely deserve better. X

QueenofmyPrinces · 20/01/2019 13:35

It’s just utter craziness!!

What did she think my sister was going to say?

“Thanks mom, I will take the £6k that you’ve already saved off you and yes, I would love it if you could keep putting money aside for them, that would great.”

I just don’t get it. I just don’t know why she did it - she’s lost her rational mind I think.

OP posts:
worriedunimum · 20/01/2019 13:55

Well, to be fair, up until recently that's exactly what your DSis WAS doing, isn't it? Taking the money each month from your parents (a secret from you) each month, knowing her children were getting savings (and yours were not) and saying nothing to you?
So tbh I suspect your Mum really did expect your DSis to just fall in with what Mum was saying.
Hence her outrage at being "defied" and her flouncing off.
It's all sounds horrible for you.
Has your DSis suggested splitting the money saved, so far , equally between all the children you and she have?
If I were her, I'd be offering to do that, as a sign that there will be NO more secrets, no more lies and no more unfair manipulation by your Mum. It's also a big "up yours" gesture to your Mum and her narc ways!