y sister financially benefitting from our parents AGAIN - Theead 2.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My mom is due over in 20 minutes so let’s see if she turns up on time for a start......

Feeling very nervous and already feeling upset to be honest. I’m worried I’m just going to burst into tears when I see her

Thanks everyone for your support on the the first thread and I will let you know how tonight goes

It’s weitd because I hold absolutely no bad feeling towards my mom about having walked out on us because I have no memory of it happening. It’s impossibke to be angry about something you have no knowledge or memory of. I can honestly say it doesn’t bother me that she did it.

All that bother me is that she admits she loved my sister when she was born but didn’t love me -but at the same time I know she couldn’t help how she felt so I can’t blame her or be angry with her about that either.

All I’m angry about is the favoured treatment my sister has had over the course of our lifetimes and I don’t think my anger should just be forgotten about and not talked about, just because she can justify it in her eyes.

Don't go to this meal with her & Dsis, it sounds a recipe for disaster

I think you might need to send your mum a follow-up message saying that:

You're glad you had that big talk and you understand how hard things were for her
BUT
You're still struggling to see past a lifetime of being essentially second best and that you need some time to get to grips with that
AND
The only way things can improve from here is if you feel that your mum a) understands how much she's hurt you and why, and b) makes an obvious effort to pay attention to you/your DC in future. Actions, not words sort of thing.

I told my sister what my mom had said about the PND/guilt and how that had been the cause of her differing treatment of us and my sister was quite shocked by that. I asked her not to tell our mom that I had disclosed that and she’s promised she won’t. My sister asked if I felt upset by what our mom had said regarding not feeling guilty about walking out on me, so I told her they yes I did felt hurt but that it wasn’t going to change anything between us (as in me and my sister).

We have agreed to see our mom tomorrow night but rather than lunch we’re going out for a meal after all the children are in bed (my nieces are with their dad tomorrow).

We figured if we didn’t have the children to worry about we could turn to alcohol if the whole thing turned out to be a disaster.

We want to go because we want to show her that as sisters we are standing together and our relationship is strong. We want to show her how the relationship/dynamic between me and my sister has changed and improved over the last few weeks and we want her to see us as equals.

It may turn out to be a nightmare but we never to face her together at some point.

Your mum is horrid op.
She’s selfish and self absorbed.
I really feel for you.

Your relationship with your sister sounds genuinely strong,op. I'm very glad you have that, given your mother's awful behaviour.

Talking from personal experience, it’ll be a bumpy ride from now because although this isn’t done you also can’t get into it every time you interact. Sometimes it’s not the right place, others are there and you do need to have a bit of ‘light’ to remind you why you’re bothering going through this pain.

I would imagine your mum is on a bit of a high from getting all that off her chest. Infuriatingly it’ll probably take a bit of time for her to realise she can’t now ‘get back to normal’.

Glad to here all is well with your sis.

I think you need to make it clear to your Mum that she might have found your last encounter cathartic but it did nothing to resolve how you perceive that she sees and feels about you. She has acknowledged her own feelings, which is a step forward, but she has still to come anywhere near understanding or emphasising with you.

I'd be very wary of large amounts of alcohol tomorrow. You all need to keep a clear head.

This is such an interesting thread. I think so many of us have to deal with this to some degree.

I have read this thread as it developed and had a different opinion about your sister, that I didn't want to voice as I knew I would be attacked. With this new development - I think you need to keep the relationships separate here. What you need from your mother; she has come very much towards you, you. This should not involve your sister at this stage. Do not 'team up' so to speak, let them work their own relationship out. Move forward with your mother, this is a stepping stone.

I’m not sure if I’m the only one that feels your sister is not coming out of this whole shitty situation well.
I feel she has knowingly perpetuated the unfair treatment, but I suppose it’s your sister and your call OP.

I would honestly say that nobody in your family has acted well and tbh not a single one of them has learnt anything from this whole shit storm.

I would encourage you to see a therapist to help to view this from every angle as at the moment it feels like you might be missing shitty behaviour from others as you are (quite rightly) focused on your mothers very lacking behaviour.

I wish you well and hope I’m completely wrong about your sister and father.

Wow OP. This second thread did not go as I expected on reading the first post. Your mum really has made it all about her and not you or your sister. Unfuckingbelievable.

Definitely stick with your sister. Even after having quite different upbringing you both seem to be on the same wavelength. Good for you

I have read both of your threads from start to finish this evening OP and my heart absolutely goes out to you.

You are the daughter of a narcissistic Mother, every thread you wrote about your Mother made it clearer and clearer. Your Mother does not care about you, she cares only about herself, about retaining control and going on as things were before.

She thinks everything is fine now that she has talked about her feelings of guilt towards your sister. Of course it’s all fine to her now, as she is a narcissist, she has no empathy or care for your feelings. You are her scapegoat, she has admitted that and your sister is her golden child.

I advise looking into narcissistic Mothers- this website is excellent:
www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

The creator of the website has also written several books
www.amazon.co.uk/Youre-Not-Crazy-Understanding-Narccissistic-ebook/dp/B00EF5L2VW/ref=sr_1_fkmr1_2?keywords=Daughters+f+narcissistic+mothers&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1547867301&sr=8-2-fkmr1

I also advise reading the Susan Forward books - Toxic Parents and Mothers who can’t love:

www.amazon.co.uk/Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Legacy-Reclaiming/dp/0553814826/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&keywords=toxic+parents&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1547867392&sr=1-1

www.amazon.co.uk/Mothers-Who-Cant-Love-Daughters/dp/006220436X/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&keywords=toxic+parents&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1547867392&sr=1-4

Another good book is this
www.amazon.co.uk/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&keywords=toxic+parents&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1547867392&sr=1-6

Whilst the books will no doubt be helpful, you have deep seated hurt to deal with, maternal abandonment at such a crucial time of development, will have affected you deeply! Not to mention your Mother never repairing the maternal bond, choosing instead to lavish her maternal attentions on your sister!

Your Mothers admission of not loving you from birth and feeling no guilt towards you upon her return, will have torn off the band aid on your heart and made vulnerable the tiny baby who was never loved, never valued enough for her Mother to even feel guilty for leaving.

I would seek counselling for JUST YOU to explore that, certainly well before considering any family counselling. For once, someone needs to put YOU first, to care about YOUR pain, YOUR hurt and YOUR emotions and feelings, throughout both your childhood and the last few months.

Between the books and counselling, hopefully you will be able to create healthy boundaries and find a way to move forward.

Can nobody else see what her sister is doing here? A self righteous glutton, who still accepts basic living expenses from her parents and has taken that for years and years and then suddenly does a 180 degree turn because her sister cottons on. She knows her parents won't last forever, so she needs to come into line with whatever sadness you are feeding her OP. In this scenario you have a respectful and genuine sadness and an understandable point of view. Your sister. has none that, she will show her true self soon. Mind yourself OP.

I agree with others that you are probably not going to get what you so desperately crave from your family, which sounds dysfunctional. I would get some counselling to help straighten out your own thoughts and feelings and to come to terms with things. Hopefully, you can still have a good relationship with your family but it is never going to be quite what you would like it to be, even with your sister, I suspect. Try not to expect too much and you won't be disappointed.

Yes.i don't want to piss all over your sister but she knew this was happening she knew they were giving their special treatment and the Guilt for me if this was happening over my siblings would flatten me after a certain point. Even if they should can't speak up or don't know how .your whole life it happening, no I won't be able to do it to my sister and brother .and frankly I would assume it wouldn't be happening and ID be apologising to my sister and ID be screaming my mum and dad one who doing it and two for putting this in this position against each other.

I agree, your sis is an accomplice in many ways, how did she justify it knowing, as an adult it was hush hush ? it was flagrantly warped. & I'm not even thinking about the money.
Your father was an adult, & particularly after they were divorced, he didn't have to follow your Mother's "guilt" trip, he could have stopped particularly the money, but also helped with baby sitting etc.

I think your mother will try & wash over this little blip in her mythical "happy" family this evening, she will say she is glad its all alright & smile,
I think it's going to be terrible, & I really wouldn't drink, alcohol in the mix is like gunpowder

Sorry if it’s blunt but I predict this...
I asked her not to tell our mom that I had disclosed that and she’s promised she won’t.
Will very likely come back and bite you at some point.

How are you going to talk about things when your sister who your mother insisted “not know”, knows and is there?
Your mum isn’t going to notice you are “ a unit” when you rock up for lunch and talk about the weather.

Please read some of the books people have shared and consider therapy.
You are the scapegoat, she is the golden child and your mum is a narcissist your father is an enabler / peacekeeper.

your sister and mum were in each others pockets and allies for years,
Let’s not gloss over the fact (ignoring all the other stuff) she was quite happy for you to work overtime?! to take her kids on holiday, giving her a break many parents never get and her kids a verrrry generous treat, while taking $$$ back handlers from your mum. She isn’t a child, she could have said no, she could have told you, she could also have paid for her own kids (even taking them is v generous) she could have treated you regularly for all the other things you do for her children. There are a thousand choices here and instead she docked you over big time repeatedly.

Bluntly, she is not “a unit” with you. she’s aligned herself with you for now and mum gets to be the one on the outside for a bit.

What does your husband say in all of this???

I actually agree with @poppiesallykatie.
Your sister is complicit in your mother’s treatment of you and so is your dad.
I think you are going to have to look at your family relationships very carefully and more in depth op.
They all Sound very toxic and enmeshed and I have a feeling they want your mum to shut you up then carry on as before only all charitable donations will be in the open as now you know and if you object it will be because of jealousy .
IMO you can’t win.
I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but as an outsider it is easier to see with clarity.

Feeling all sad and confused again now that my sister is being painted as the enemy......I really thought she was the one who I could now trust and fix the relationship with

And as for what my husband thinks....

Well he was angry with my sister initially regarding us paying for the holiday but now that she’s financially contributing he has mellowed on that front.

He comes from a dysfunctional family too so my current life is pretty standard in his eyes. He was also the less favoured of two siblings so at least understands why I’m feeling the way I do. Like the rest of you he’s telling me to be careful and stop trying to care about everyone’s feelings before caring about my own and that I need to stop trying to make peace with everyone and instead be rightfully angry with them.

He doesn’t understand why I’m being so calm and tolerant about it all really.

You know your sister best, family dynamics are hard to shift!

Does your gut say that your DSIS no longer wants to be the golden child?? If it does that's good but she will find it hard you've both been messed up by this.

I would seek counselling because all the posters here come with their own sub conscious "agenda" from their own childhood experiences and won't be unbiased.

Of corse in the past your DSIS has been complicit by accepting money and keeping secrets it's how she behaves from now on that matters, I'm sure she will make mistakes and probably need counselling of her own to break free from being in dependent incompetent child mode.

Maybe you can @QueenofmyPrinces, I think all people are saying is that your sister isn't blameless, which you knew. You need to get some counselling so that you can resolve your hurt and be clear about what is or is not fair in what seems to be a particularly dysfunctional family, because none of them seem to really be caring about you as much as you deserve. Your sister grew up always getting preferential treatment, it would have been nice if she opened her eyes to that sooner but people might be unfair to expect that, she was damaged in a different way by being made so dependent and by your mother's narcissism too. You can still work carefully on improving your relationship with your sister, just go carefully for now in case she reverts or causes other issues; even if she is trying hard the road might be bumpy as she simply isn't used to putting you first. Good luck x

I think you need breathing space from both of them to try get your head round a few things and decide how you want to move forward with both relationships. I wouldn't be going out for a meal with them today, make an excuse.