y sister financially benefitting from our parents AGAIN - Theead 2.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My mom is due over in 20 minutes so let’s see if she turns up on time for a start......

Feeling very nervous and already feeling upset to be honest. I’m worried I’m just going to burst into tears when I see her

Thanks everyone for your support on the the first thread and I will let you know how tonight goes

It's also not all in the past - it's a pattern of behaviour that she still doing, right up to trying to get OPs sister to start up the "secret payments" again a few weeks ago. Until her mother actually accepts what shes doing and that its wrong, it will NEVER stop.

At the moment its like the OPs mother is a sugar addict thats been diagnosed with Diabetes - whenever its brought up, she is just loudly shouting "well FINE, I wont have this biscuit then, are you happy now?! Why are you being so nasty about one biscuit?!" without accepting or admitting that its not this one-off biscuit that's the problem, it's her whole approach to life that needs to change.
She's still trying to sneak cake behind peoples backs because it's what she wants and it's always worked for her in the past.

Until she understands that things can never just go back to "how they were" if she shouts loudly enough or is devious or patient enough, then things will keep just hurting the people involved.

Good analogy, Storm.

Wow well done. Quite a hectic couple of months.

I really like Storm's analogy. And you haven't had a chance to put your side across. Your mum's guilt has to stop being your burden.

Sounds like she's starting to face things tho, and maybe she'll be more willing to listen to your Dad. He seems to be a saint in all this.

Unbelievable, the very second an abuser hints that she might regret being abusive, you should sweep it under the carpet it's "cruel" to ever mention it again.

A few heads on this thread need a strong wobble.

Thanks everyone for all your messages.

I did speak to my mom this evening as I phoned to make sure she was okay and she said how cathartic it had been for her to finally open up and she went on to repeat a lot of the things she’d said last night and expanded on how she’d felt when I was born etc so we were on the phone for quite a long time.

It was only after we had finished the conversation did I realise that she hadn’t ask about me once in terms of how I was or how I was feeling about things. I’m glad she feels better now she has off loaded but I can’t help but think, “But what about me?”

I know that probably sounds selfish but it feels like my feelings have been disregarded and now everything is about her.

I certainly don’t want to punish her or “have another pound of flesh” (as I’ve been accused of) by talking about how I have struggled over the years, that’s not why I want us to discuss it, it’s purely because I need to feel like I matter too and I need to know that she cares about how I’m feeling.

Been lurking on your threads for awhile OP but just wanted to say sorry your mum is still making it all about her due to her issues.

Perhaps it's not so much anything personal against you as it being near impossible for her to get out of decades of mental and emotional habit (i.e. the way she thinks and feels about you and your DSis).

Would you be open to getting some real life counselling or therapy? I really hope things move on positively from here on for you.

OP you are not going to get what you're looking for. This is why I suggested therapy. You need to address this and get it off your chest so you can move on but if you do with your obviously damaged mother you are going to feel worse than you do now.

Hey try if you want you never know but I believe if your mother is going to 'make up for the past' shell do it through her actions, she won't tell you she's sorry. Words mean nothing.

Hi OP.
I'm glad she has opened up... but the monopolizing of the conversation to her hurt is concerning. Deflecting your feelings is glossing over the cracks.

Call me cynical, but it feels she is saying what she thinks you need to hear to justify her poor behaviour and get back in control.

Fingers crossed I'm wrong.

Sorry to hear this op.

You’re not being selfish. You’ve told her how hurt you are after being treated like a second class citizen your whole life and somehow she’s made it all about her.

I agree with gamerchick that maybe some counselling would help. I don’t think you’re going to get what you’re after from your mum. She either doesn’t see or doesn’t want to deal with your pain.

I completely agree with the pp saying actions speak louder than words. What has your mum actually done since hearing how upset you have been?

Wow just read this in its entirety today. I’ve been reading with a very open mind as I don’t have experience with a mother daughter relationship and she got ill when I was a few months old and sadly died. But as a mum myself I can’t imagine treating my two girls differently, and my dad is so fair he is almost unfair on the GC in a funny way way.
You are an amazing sister, mother and auntie from what I have read. Use your sister husband children and nieces for inspiration going forward.

The OP doesn't need to "get it off her chest", the OP needs her mother to hear it and acknowledge that her feelings matter too.

Someone suggested a good step earlier:
I would send her a text & thank her for opening up, you know it is hard for her as she isn't good on showing her weaknesses/admitting her difficulties & that next time it will be your turn to take about how you feel.

That keeps the conversation moving, rather than the Mother closing down with "it's all sorted now" just because she's had her say.

You are 100% right to ask what about me?

Take a step back and look and where you are now.
Your mother has been unintentionally or intentionally quite clever.

• This “reveal” has changed the dynamic completely.l and status quo is basically resumed.
• Now you must be sympathetic to her struggles - it was all so hard (no acknowledgement of what this meant for you)

-She will expect you to convey all these feelings she cannot possibly discuss with your sister to your sister (MORE sympathy) - she is now firmly back in the fold, poor old mum.

• You are now promoted to the role of emotional dumping ground. A place where she can come and unload.

gamerchick has a point.
This woman simply isn’t going to give you what you want. So you may want to seek therapy - when I finally realised my father was never going to get it (despite acknowledging how awful he was he then state some random perceived injustice committed against him before I was born to justify it FFS) and truest understood he was never give me the apology I needed things got easier.

She is continuing with her behaviour pattern - be on alert, take some time out and stay close to your sister

If you do want to persist the message is good though

DIdnt Sleep last night with all this going around in my head

My sister sent me a text this morning to ask if mom had spoken to me as she had encouraged her to do so.

So my mom obviously hasn’t told her about our chat.

I replied and told my sister that yes, I had spoken to mom and I was feeling pretty drained and so she said she’d come over this afternoon as she finishes work at 2.

I feel like I can’t really talk to her though about what our mom said as it’s not really my place to is it? I would feel like I was betraying my mom’s confidence.

You can say she spoke about herself and her feelings do you still haven't got her to listen to how you have always felt etc.

As per above do not go into any details with your sister and don’t encourage her to “go talk to your mom”

This is exactly what she wants so all her bad behaviour can be swept under the rug...

Also I guarantee you your sister encouraged her to talk to you so your mum could understand the hurt she caused you and apologise to you NOT so she could unload onto you.

Again, please take some time to process.
Tell her not to come over today at 2 because she’s just pressure you into discussing it. Say you have an appointment you forgot and you’ll rain check.

Yes, You can outline, tell DSIS that Mother doesn't know how to say this to sis, I agree this is very compartmentalized (divide & conquer)
Tell her, it was clearly a start, you have never heard her say the word "sorry" before, but it is the future that counts now, & if things don't change & there is some sort of equilibrium you have no hope of a worthwhile relationship with her

I think you have to stop being amazingly decent and amazingly calm and start getting angry, on your own behalf. Is still all about your mum, all about her PND, all about her feelings. Its not about you at all, or even your sister, though sorry but she can take care of herself.

maybe I sound hard but all I've read is your mum being ME ME ME and you being YOU YOU YOU

fuck that. start coming first op, its a long time overdue

your mum will always come first in her eyes and your sister sounds like she can take care of herself pretty darn well

you wont get the perfect family group you crave, you wont get anything like it and if you get it on the short term it'll unravel eventually

time to tell your mother and sister exactly how you feel, not them, YOU, time to stop sugar coating everything to save their feelings and start putting you and your own family first

once you let them go the relief will be massive

you sound a decent loving person, god knows where you got it from, time to concentrate on you from now on

So a precis of your situation,
M had difficult childhood, PND
she left
she came back
ever since has being trying to compensate DS because the guilt
you were a baby & the cause of this rupture
you are punished/emotionally ostracised because you were the catalyst, & only a baby so wouldn't notice anyway
you had to make it alone, as no one bothered with you
sis was made into the charity case. to heal your mother's all consuming guilt.
This is now in the open
& now ? its an open book, Does she accept your were hurt, Does she acknowledge it was wrong? Does she change the dynamic ?

But what about you In all of this ? You matter too

I'd probably just say to your sister that your DM opened up about the PND and acknowledged a few things but that it was still all about her feelings and no concern or desire to understand how you feel or what your needs were/are. Tell your sister that she will have to ask your DM what she said. Push the ball firmly onto your DM to talk openly to your DS and not to use you as a go between.

Personally I don’t think you should tell your sister. Not because of confidentiality to be honest but because again you are just servicing their needs. Tell your sister that your Mum opened up but that twice she has clearly not been interested in your feelings at all. You have always really got why she favours your sister. It’s because she favours your sister. Why she justifies this or how she got there doesn’t change the awfulness of her behaviour.

Do not - on top of everything - become your Mum’s therapist. She had taken enough from you.

To be honest, I’m a bit nervous about seeing my sister.

I have always felt like she mattered more but it was nothing more than a feeling/ suspicion, but now I’m going to have to look at her knowing that she has mattered more.

I know my mom said that once the PND was addressed she then loved us as equals but it still hurt to hear that when I was born I didn’t matter to her and how she never felt guilty about leaving me like she had towards my sister.

I know her PND and departure were very complex and not as black and white as I make it sound, but it still hurts.

One thing is sure, she cannot change the past. (as she keeps reminding you)
But she can try to readjust her future actions. This is where the focus should be