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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

y sister financially benefitting from our parents AGAIN - Theead 2.

547 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 16/01/2019 17:40

My mom is due over in 20 minutes so let’s see if she turns up on time for a start......

Feeling very nervous and already feeling upset to be honest. I’m worried I’m just going to burst into tears when I see her Sad

Thanks everyone for your support on the the first thread and I will let you know how tonight goes Flowers

OP posts:
Iwouldlikesomecake · 15/02/2019 20:33

Prize for missing the point SPECTACULARLY goes to...

Coppermine · 15/02/2019 20:48

Did Sureyouwill read a different thread to the rest of us?

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 15/02/2019 20:58

To be honest sureyouwill I’m quite baffled by your response. I have said throughout the entire thread that I have never blamed my mother for having left us, that I know her feelings/actions were beyond her control and that I hate the fact she blames herself for it and feels guilty about it. I hate the thought of her punishing herself for something she had no control over.

But you are of course entitled to your opinion on the matter and if your summary is the result of how you have interpreted me then nothing I say will change that.

OP posts:
Sureyouwill · 15/02/2019 23:33

If you truly understood and forgave your mother, then I wouldn't have read through 2000 messages about how it has coloured her treatment of her two children. To have had PND so badly that you had to abandon your dc for 8 months and spend a lifetime trying to compensate for it, is pretty painful stuff. You appear to have forced your DM into an admission of wrongdoing. But what has she really done wrong? You claim to understand that circumstances were beyond her control, yet you have spent months now being annoyed by your mother. That doesn't suggest comprehension or understanding to me. You have thrown a hand grenade into the middle of the dynamics within your family and stood by, waiting for everyone to beg for mercy. At the same time you claim to be the victim throughout.

As with my brother and I, it would do your sanity good to accept that it's just 'the way things are'. You appear to me to be relentlessly trying to change current circumstance and past history and are working yourself into a frenzy in the process. As I said - with acceptance comes peace. For sure you can continue to engineer the various relationships within your family, but I see nobody winning at the end of the day. And a whole shit wagon of hurt, humiliation and pain being the result of your machinations.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 15/02/2019 23:42

Think mum found the thread...

RandomMess · 15/02/2019 23:43

So having PND makes it ok to bring one child up to be completely dependent, to believe they are incapable of achieving or being hood at anything to bring the other one up to see how they are never good enough or supported oh and pit these DC against each other their whole lives... right...

Sureyouwill · 15/02/2019 23:57

@RandomMess But that's not really what has happened is it?

The mother has spent her life paying for her mistakes. That one of her dc (the OP) feels that she didn't receive fair recompense is really not the DM's fault.

I probably can see this all from a different perspective as I read through every single post from the OP in a couple of hours. If you read it like that, you can see a pattern.

I also suffered from PND and would be gutted if my dc hated me for it. The OP has stated numerous times that she doesn't blame her mother for the PND, but her behaviour suggests otherwise. The OP has been the one in control throughout, toying with everyone and interfering in for e.g. the relationship between her DM and her sister. There is a master manipulator in here but I don't think it's the DM.

Since this thread reads like a woman going to war with her cheerleaders behind her, I didn't expect to be heard. But it's my opinion and I'm entitled to it. I don't like to read about anyone being victimised, no matter how polished your use of English is.

Sureyouwill · 16/02/2019 00:02

The various periodic summonses being issued to the family is all a bit too drama llama for me. If you're a bored sucker on MN, maybe that makes for interesting reading where you can receive weekly updates on the latest drama, but to me, it's all a bit too much. A bit manipulative and a bit vindictive. In the end, the OP appears to have destroyed every relationship within the family and achieved nothing but to feed her bitterness. Jealousy is a very ugly trait.

FilthyforFirth · 16/02/2019 00:15

Oh well. Stoo reading then sureyouwill. I can guarentee you wont be missed on this thread at all.

Sureyouwill · 16/02/2019 00:22

Apologies Filthy. I didn't realise the thread was invitation only.

MarthasGinYard · 16/02/2019 00:42

Sureyouwill

I kind of agree TBH

julensaor · 16/02/2019 01:08

well @Sureyouwill As with my brother and I, it would do your sanity good to accept that it's just 'the way things are'. You appear to me to be relentlessly trying to change current circumstance and past history and are working yourself into a frenzy in the process. As I said - with acceptance comes peace.

I can't say I disagree with some of your analysis, particularly this advice. OP, your mother can't change the past and has come someway towards you as detailed in previous posts, she has been honest, yet it still hasn't't been enough to move forward on your terms. You keep bringing your sibling into it. Her story is not yours. And taking her story as a separate issue, parents enable their children all the time, it is psychologically not seen as the best route to go and enabling is done for selfish reasons or through fear but not through insidious, hateful emotions. They enabled and your sister took and that is for them to sort out. Separate it.

You have to realise as a grown adult that we can't blame out parents for not being perfect anymore, you have to accept a certain amount of it and move on. It is not fair but it will hinder you in your life if you can't. One day your children may come back to you and blame you for some lack in their life and you will probably say 'well I did my best at the time. Please move forward with me from this point, I didn't realise how it would affect you'.

Sureyouwill · 16/02/2019 02:29

Julensaor I totally agree. Possibly the best advice I ever got as a parent was from a friend of mine who was a psychiatrist. I was utterly stressed as to what sort of an effect my PND had had on my dc. He nonchalantly replied 'Do your best and you'll fuck them up anyway'. I can not describe the relief those words gave me!

As parents we will make mistakes. Your mother has made mistakes. You OP will probably fuck up somewhere along the way. We all (unless we're mass murderers or something) want nothing but the best for our dc.
I have a very prickly relationship with my own DM. After years of agonising, I finally just had to let it fucking go.

I am sure that my dc will have lots to say about my parenting. But I genuinely don't think I could bear it if they turned on me and hated me en masse. I think it might possibly break me. With all that said, I have not been forgiving of my own parents. It has taken me decades to accept that they actually did their best with the tools they had at the time. Could they have been worse? Possibly. Could they have been better? Fucking hell yes! But I think as a mother you should know that the strongest bond you will ever have is with your dc, so don't torture them about their failings. I don't think any good will come of it for you or them.

Daisypie · 16/02/2019 04:02

Thing is OP's mother has continued to play out her own psychodrama for decades of her daughters' adult lives and on into the next generation. Secrecy and uneven support are incredibly toxic elements in a family. This is not about a difficult first few months due to pnd. This is year upon year of harmful differentiation between her children to the point that as adults they don't really know what even treatment looks like.

julensaor · 16/02/2019 04:18

@Daisypie

Load of bollocks.

Sureyouwill · 16/02/2019 04:24

That's a fair point, but to be honest I stay well out of my mother's relationships with my siblings and she has exemplified the divide and conquer mantra in that none of us are close. I suspect I'm the least favourite lol, but how she interacts with the other pair is really none of my business. I suspect I'd get as far as the OP has gotten if I ever broached the subject. It's really not my monkeys and not my circus.
I probably am my Dad's favourite as we could chat for hours, but I think he likes us all in different ways and for different reasons.

Likewise, I would think it fairly typical for adult parent/child relationships to not really be discussed. At different times in my life, both of my parents have offered me support that they haven't offered to the others. Likewise, my siblings have support that would never have been offered to me.

If you've ever observed say a cat with kittens. The strong ones will feed quickly and go off and play. But the mother cat will stay lying down for the weak kitten to continue to feed.
It's the circle of life and I don't think putting a cat among the pigeons has done this OP any good, though from my reading of the two threads today, everyone else believes so.
I just thought I'd give my perspective as it differs to most other posters. I'm not saying I'm the oracle, but another viewpoint might and I say might offer the OP some consolation in another way.

julensaor · 16/02/2019 04:34

After nearly 1500 messages of a pile on against the mother in this situation it is refreshing to see a different point of view from someone in a similar situation, but has found a way to move somewhat past it to live a life without the clearcut love, many of us take for granted. Everyone is a human being doing the best they can at the time. And people fail and fail miserably, but we can't change how anyone feels or ascertain how anyone truly feels unless they tell us. Some people can't speak about emotions, they just can't. Some people don't realise the hurt they cause by their actions. I always think if it wasn't meant in a malicious way, I'll give it a second thought.

Sureyouwill · 16/02/2019 05:01

There's one particular 'scene' that I'll pick out.

It's the DM asking the Dsis whether she still wants the savings for her children. The OP had previously stated that she wanted no secrets ever again. I suspect the DM was trying to adhere to that rule and inadvertently made a Royal fuck up of the whole thing.

It all just seems way too much. There is no need for the family to fall out over £200 a month to a sister on a low income.

If I found out my DM was handing Dsis £200 a month, I'd probably say 'Hey, where the hell is my money??' But in a humorous way. It would be my DM's choice to support my DSIS in such a way and ultimately none of my business.

And I know you feel betrayed OP but can I gently suggest that they really could not tell you as they knew how you might react?

You have 2 sons of your own now. You genuinely might be better off focusing your energy on those two lovely little boys than being eaten up by bitterness.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 16/02/2019 06:49

For the last 20+ years I have been made to feel like I didn’t matter and that I was second best to my sister and it’s not that easy to just move on from that and act like it doesn’t matter.

OP posts:
Sureyouwill · 16/02/2019 07:06

Well you don't have much choice do you?

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 16/02/2019 07:10

No I don’t, it is what it is.

Like I said, neither me or my mom can change the past so I have no option but just to put it to one side and accept it for what it is.

OP posts:
tokirara · 16/02/2019 07:10

OP, I've also been following both threads. @sureyouwill makes some good points.

Where you say it’s not that easy to just move on, do be wary of building up barriers in the name of 'justice' 'fairness' 'equality' etc that actually prevent you from moving on.

MarthasGinYard · 16/02/2019 07:17

'My mom knows why she treated us the way she did but doesn’t seem ready to explore it professionally which I assume it because it’s still too painful for her. As I said, she will never forgive herself what she did and I actually find that really sad for her'

She may never be 'ready'

Some people may never be receptive to counselling. I think you are right to not suggest this in this instance.

I also agree it's in a way sad that it reads as though she almost has to 'confess' now If she feels the need to give her GD's a fiver.

I think it's time to move on best you can. I really think she's trying to do that.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 16/02/2019 07:26

The sad thing is that I know no matter what I say or do, or what my mom says and does, she will always treat my sister better than me because my sister will always matter more.

I just have to work out whether I’m happy to live like that and whether I’m prepared to accept that that’s all I’m worth.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 16/02/2019 07:27

@Sureyouwill you seem to have missed the point that it wasn't about the money, it was about op not receiving support of any type all the times in her life when she did need it...

There as no recompense to her ever from her Mom or Dad because well she just didn't matter! To be honest I suspect op is blamed for the PND whilst her Sister is seen as the ONLY one that suffered but yeah sure the op has never felt that her whole life.

Also the irony that the sister and DN aren't some poor low income family compared to the op!