y sister financially benefitting from our parents AGAIN - Theead 2.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My mom is due over in 20 minutes so let’s see if she turns up on time for a start......

Feeling very nervous and already feeling upset to be honest. I’m worried I’m just going to burst into tears when I see her

Thanks everyone for your support on the the first thread and I will let you know how tonight goes

This is the enabling though isn't it.
Given another example, say, of a man who goes out & gets massive amounts of food for his wife, who is so bed ridden with her weight that she can no longer walk, wash herself or move. She has an eating disorder, but the enabler is the husband.
he can say "she has a food disorder you need to understand."

All of the posts on here have sympathized over her PND, but only a couple of weeks ago she flagrantly offered the money to your Sis again, with you sitting at the same table. I cannot believe she didn't know that was hurtful & intentional, & nothing to do with PND, but ingrained behaviour of deciding Sis merits her "attention" money & you should mutely accept.
I agree this may be going full circle, fortunately you now have the power of removing yourself if other behaviour emerges. The only reason she handed you a cheque is because you had gone NC & Sis more or less begged her to.
Sitting at home alone she must have realized she needed to capitulate or she had lost the game.

The first step your Mom needs to take is that she treated you very differently throughout both of your lives and she was wrong to do that and it was not good for either of you.

At that point you can move on!

Your mother just can't help herself - she feels an overwhelming need to over compensate for leaving your sister because in her mind she was aware of the loss, whereas you were not. Your dad has a role in this for going on about your sister crying for her when she was gone. He made her the focus of your mother's guilt. It's all well and good feeling sorry about his now, but the damage has been done.

Every time you prosper, your DM will feel the need to redress the balance. That's the way it is, and it's frankly shit.

At least you and your sister have a good and open relationship. That is worth preserving - she'll still be there when both your parents have gone.

Your mother just can't help herself - she feels an overwhelming need to over compensate for leaving your sister because in her mind she was aware of the loss, whereas you were not

This is pretty much exactly it.

When it comes to my sister, my mom left an infant that she loved, and who loved her. She feels she abandoned her child who would have noticed her absence and suffered for it.

With regards to me - she left a baby that she didn’t really feel anything for and no real relationship had been formed between us so her absence would have been of no significance to me.

I think that I until my mom can leave behind that misplaced guilt then things will never change. And to be honest, after 35 years or so of her carrying that guilt I can’t see things changing anytime soon.

I guess you need to be blunt with your Mom "how do you think it feels knowing my whole life that abandoning me didn't matter to you and being aware that you always loved DSIS more?"

You mom needs to hear that you have "suffered" differently yes but ALL of you endured a terrible thing and I was never your fault and as it wasn't her fault there is no place for her misguided guilt.

She was brutally honest when she offloaded in you so I don't think it is wrong or unkind that she finally hears how aware you have always been that DSIS mattered more.

Would she consider some councelling now do you think Queen?
Do you think that could help her start to see things clearer going forward?

I think I might suggest counselling to her actually. Normally I would even dare suggest it but maybe now she’s starting to see that she needs help and guidance. That will of course mean she’s got to admit that she has acted wrongly but maybe she’s ready to do that now?

I’m seeing her tomorrow so I will be brave and broach the topic.

Genuinely, I expect she will be vexed by the idea

She definitely needs outside help if possible. I had PND with both of my DCs and it took a lot of hard work on my part to develop a normal loving relationships with them both. But I did it. Because I knew this was what we all needed. Especially my DCs.

You have shown such love and understand in your posts. Can I suggest something and hope that this comes out right...you want your Mum to heal. It might be therefore that the best person to suggest counselling is your sister. Your Mum can not help but do all she can to make up for her. Take one a - hopefully - last hit of all this being about your sister.

How did yesterday go, op? Hope you're ok.

I agree with MWQM, it would come better from your sister to suggest counselling. She can't be accused of having a hidden agenda. I think you are handling this admirably, btw, OP. I hope you realise that.

I have been so impressed OP with your love and understanding towards your mother, while not suppressing how hard it has been on you too. I also think she may now be open to therapy and this may be a way for her to final free herself of all these huge feelings that she's struggled with for all this time. How hard it must have been for her.

Thinking of you both.

Thank you everyone . Sorry for the late reply, I’ve been working.

I thanked my mom again for the money and she asked me if it meant she wanted to stop giving money to nieces for their good school reports and good test results etc and I said of course not. I said they’re just normal grandparent behaviours and Im never going to police what she can and can’t do in terms of treating them but that as long as things are done equally between them and my children then it won’t cause ill feeling.

I did mention the counselling and although it didn’t cause an argument she wasn’t open to the suggestion.

She said that she had explained why she’d acted like she did during our childhood and had apologised for it so I had to either accept that and move on in the knowledge that things will change, or not accept it. She said there was nothing she could do in terms of repairing the damage that had been caused beyond acknowledging it and being sorry and if that wasn’t enough for me then she didn’t have an answer as how else we can move forwards.

Can she not see it's been going on your whole lives not just whilst you were children

She’s wrong about not being able to repair the damage. Sure, she can’t change what happened- it’s in the past. But she can change how she behaves now. I had PND after both DCs and I’m sad I don’t have happy memories about my DCs early years. But I’ve worked really hard to have a normal relationship with my children. They are grown up now and my eldest has just had her first baby. This has brought back a lot of difficult emotions for me but again I’ve had to work to contain them and not spoil her happy time.

OP - Your DM needs to stop harping on about her PND. She seems to have let it define her. Perhaps she’s still holding onto it because it means she can avoid facing up to her poor behaviours, or she simply doesn’t realise how much she ducks taking responsibility for what she does. Either way it’s not just about you accepting and moving on. She needs to really want to change things going forward. That will be key - but will probably take a lot of hard work she may not be prepared to do.

Also, would be interesting to know the real reasons why your parents’ marriage broke up. They’ve probably both got a script that blames the PND but the reality may be very different.

My heart sank when I read that "she asked me if it meant she wanted to stop giving money to nieces for their good school reports and good test results etc". It just goes on.

I know yours are younger, but has she ever given them 10p for sweets/pocket money ?

I'm afraid nothing's really changed in her head, op. She's worked out that she needs to behave differently in order to maintain relationships with you and your Dsis, but deep down it is something she is doing to placate you both rather than believing it to be right. Hence her trying to define the boundaries - to anyone who actually understood the situation, the boundaries would be obvious. She doesn't get it, and I suspect she won't.

Sorry op

I know yours are younger, but has she ever given them 10p for sweets/pocket money?

To be fair to her she has a good relationship with my children, she frequently sees them at my house and will have the oldest at hers for a sleepover usually once a month and in that time she will buy him books, comics and toys etc. She does spend money on both my sons and I think that goes back to her only being able to show love through money.

My mom gives large(ish) amounts of money to my sister’s children for their exam grades etc and sometimes money to just spend on whatever they like, but she has a better relationship with my children because she’s an active figure in their life.

Apart from this savings fund I have never particularly felt that my children were lesser than my nieces in my mom’s eyes.

She's worked out that she needs to behave differently in order to maintain relationships with you and your Dsis, but deep down it is something she is doing to placate you both rather than believing it to be right.

Possibly - but I think that’s the best and only outcome I can expect.

She will always feels guilty for leaving my sister and she will always feel that in some way (financially) she has to make up that for and I don’t believe that will change - but at least now she realises that things have to be more 50/50 to prevent further damage to any of our relationships.

Also, would be interesting to know the real reasons why your parents’ marriage broke up. They’ve probably both got a script that blames the PND but the reality may be very different.

I have never actually asked them why they divorced, they just said they’d grown apart and it wasn’t for ‘bad reasons’ and I’ve never had reason to question it because of how friendly they still are with each other.

Possibly - but I think that’s the best and only outcome I can expect.

I think you're right. I've been there with my own mother; like yours, she realised she needed to change or lose her relationships with us (or at least alter them irrevocably). I too realised that it was the best I could hope for from her. We got along fine (mostly), once that realisation had occurred.

She did occasionally have moments where it was obvious that she thought my approach was stupid, but since she didn't actually say it, I didn't pursue the matter. Perhaps a similar approach would work in your case. Honesty is not always the best policy.

I think you're right. I've been there with my own mother; like yours, she realised she needed to change or lose her relationships with us (or at least alter them irrevocably). I too realised that it was the best I could hope for from her. We got along fine (mostly), once that realisation had occurred

I think that’s how things will be.

I can’t force her to go to counselling or force her to deal with the past, all I can do is ask that things change and become more equal from here onwards and she seems to have taken that on board.

As they say, people will only seek help when they are prepared to admit to themselves that they need it. My mom knows why she treated us the way she did but doesn’t seem ready to explore it professionally which I assume it because it’s still too painful for her. As I said, she will never forgive herself what she did and I actually find that really sad for her.

and as you said, her mindset was, "why drudge up the past, there is nothing I can do to change it"
so rather than see it as a current problem, for her its in the past... except
It's not

Ok. So I've just today read through your entire two threads. What a palaver!
I was chatting to my teenage dd earlier and we were rambling on and I was saying that I don't think she's like me at all (can't recall how we got onto the subject) and she said that we are, because I'm stubborn! Not a trait I would ever have assigned to myself, but through the eyes of a child, perhaps I am.

You're not going to like this, but I actually feel really sorry for your Mum. It's like she can't do right for doing wrong. I totally get that she and your Dad in the past were giving more to your sister. But she needed it more than you do.

I for e.g. have a very well of brother. He will inherit everything (not that I plan on either parent dying soon). I have just accepted that as fact. With acceptance comes peace.

You don't appear to have accepted anything. You have written words saying that you do, but I'm not getting the feeling that you actually do. So I get the feeling that you may be, like me, as stubborn as a mule.

You say you understand PND, but nothing you have written shows me that you do actually understand it.

That your mother had to leave her children for 8 months must have been absolutely horrific for her. And again as your Dad said, at a time when there was no treatment really. Certainly no support.

I don't mean to be mean by saying this, but you sound completely self absorbed. While you have managed to round up a posse on here to spur you on, you haven't for one minute thought about how your mother is feeling. I have read statements such as 'I feel sorry for her', but that doesn't really come across in what you're saying.

I actually don't know what you want out of all of this, or why it has suddenly come to a head. You sound quite controlling and able to control your Dad and sister. Your mother is another story, which is why you probably lock horns.

You will never be able to change how your mother felt or feels. Point number one. You might have changed how she is acting, but you will never change how she feels.

Your sister seems to be the collateral damage in all of this. Yes, she may have had more handouts, but maybe she needed them.

All in all, it's a bit like if your Mum is the government, your sis is on benefits and you're the struggling middle class. You have no need to resent your sister getting 200 quid a month when you jointly take home 3800 a month.

It's the equivalent of asking the government to tax everyone at 20%, and to give benefits to working people too.

You seem fixated on your mother's abandonment but apart from saying you understand PND, you display no true understanding of it.

In short, when you point a finger at someone, look at your hand. There are three more pointing back at you.