It is really fascinating how money gets so strongly interwoven into dysfunctional relationships. My mum basically ruined my sister, by making her an irresponsible and selfish user with no emotional skills (just like my mum herself). A lot of what pissed me off over the years was not only the different treatment overall, but the money thrown at my sister. Why that angered me so much, I can’t really explain, especially as I’ve never been truly poor, and I’m generous and relaxed with money and don’t have any issues there. My mum, like yours, can only skim the surface of how much it messed everyone up, the way she treated us. She will never ever look inwards and ask herself deep and heavy questions about her role in it all. I’ve never been scared to pull her up on anything, and therefore always been marked as jealous or bitter, meanspirited and callous. That’s the party line, that my sister is a sad little thing that needs help, I’m some sort of playground bully, that wants to take down the weakling for my own amusement. I am so open to criticism and definitely have strong self awareness, and this is so wide off the mark it’s almost laughable. It’s taken years and years and years of me explain to my mum the problems that have grown and multiplied because of her behaviour. I’ve had to go NC with my sister because she’s so nasty and awful and so is her DH (think drugs and DV on both sides, all around their poor kids), and my mum has always turned a blind eye and thrown money at the problem. Won’t hear a bad word about my sis and her choices at all. When we finally reached a total impasse and I couldn’t even talk to her, something seemed to click, and my mum changed superficially. She started buying stuff for my children and taking them out, even gave me money for something that left me dumbfounded - she’d never given me a penny before despite spending probably upwards of 150k on my sister. I banged on about her still not ‘getting it’ and just sweeping the issues under the rug, but she point blank refused to analyse it further, she’s just improved her actions a bit, but the issues have never been directly addressed. I would say I’m getting closer to accepting her, and the situation as a whole, we don’t argue now mainly because my sister isn’t able to constantly throw a spanner in the works, but also because she seems to be completely incapable of introspection and/or change on any level. I say all this because I recognise this in your mum. She’s troubleshooting on the surface, smoothing things over for a peaceful life going forward, and may never ever truly accept that she’s responsible for the problems within the family. The way I’ve accepted it is this. I am bigger, stronger, cleverer, and more capable than the rest of my family put together. I am and I know it. I CAN cope with the way I’ve always been treated, maybe it’s even made me who I am, and I’m happy with myself. What I will not tolerate though, is any of this shit then trickling down to my children. Literally no fucking way. So I allow my mum to paper over the cracks (my cracks really), and throw money and time and effort at my kids, and because she’s doing this she’s actually formed relationships with them, proper ones, and I just let it all wash past when it comes to me. She will not change. She will not accept that she was wrong. She apologised and changed but she doesn’t believe she was wrong, I know she doesn’t. But. If my children can have a lovely grandparent relationship, then I will bury my feelings about it all because I don’t want them to grow up with the same feelings that I did. I’ve manipulated the situation to benefit them, I guess. I’ve made my mum, through guilt, actually do things with my kids and spend money on them, and she’s I think been surprised to find that she enjoys them and they enjoy her. I stop her from buying them shit to appease them or make them happy for five minutes, and tell her to take them to something they’d both enjoy. She does as I ask, and everyone’s happier for it. As an example, she’ll say “oh I’m going to get DGS1 that mega expensive toy I’ve seen advertised for his birthday” (something he’s not even slightly interested in) and I’ll say that there’s a film out that he’s dying to see, plus he’ll get too many toys from his party, so why not go to the cinema with him? So they go and they have a lovely time and everyone’s happy, right? I’m the only one getting hurt really, I’m the only one acutely aware of the truth of her. So I guess I’m just warning you and preparing you for that. That one day you might have to accept it and be that bigger person that SHE made you! She made you probably the least fragile person around her. This is how I view my mum. She’s treated me the worst, but it’s made me the only person in the family actually able to withstand her, and to understand her behaviour from arms length. Everyone else is in the web.