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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

y sister financially benefitting from our parents AGAIN - Theead 2.

547 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 16/01/2019 17:40

My mom is due over in 20 minutes so let’s see if she turns up on time for a start......

Feeling very nervous and already feeling upset to be honest. I’m worried I’m just going to burst into tears when I see her Sad

Thanks everyone for your support on the the first thread and I will let you know how tonight goes Flowers

OP posts:
villamariavintrapp · 08/02/2019 19:44

No I wouldn’t accept it, as it feels like it makes it about the money again, which it isn’t, and that that allows her to then get back to normal. I wouldn’t want the money now, but I’d want the account (with the current balance and whatever else she adds in the future) to be split between all the grandchildren. I think paying out now would again allow her to put you and your kids out of her mind, feel that she’s done the right thing and close that door, but i’d want her to move on from this by altering her attitude and wanting to make things fair from now on. Putting thought and care and money towards all the children (at least) equally.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 08/02/2019 20:36

I think what I would do acknowledge that she's tried to take on board about treating the grandchildren equally and that you are thankful for that, but reject the cheque and ask her to do what she has done for your DNs (either open an account or section it off, however she's arranged it as I'm not 100% sure from the earlier posts).

Weenurse · 08/02/2019 21:39

Say thank you and bank it for your children.

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 08/02/2019 22:36

I'm at least glad that although she still doesn't seem to get what the problem was she is at least now trying to acknowledge there is an issue.

I personally wouldn't take the money but I'd do it nicely by saying I really appreciate that mum, it means a lot that you are trying. It's never been about the money I don't want the money, that's yours to enjoy and use to enrich your life with. I just want things to feel fair and equal between us all going forward.
I love you very much and all I want is for us all to feel like we're equally important to each other. I really don't want to fight anymore.

Grumpelstilskin · 08/02/2019 22:57

I think it is actually really shitty that it is half the amount of what their nieces get. So, the cycle continues. She hasn't got it at all. Either she really makes an effort to be fair or more of the same bullshit.

ButtonMooooon · 08/02/2019 23:07

@Grumpelstilskin half the amount of what she had already saved, not half the amount of what they get

OrigamiZoo · 08/02/2019 23:08

I think it means that she has split the pot in half, not that the Op's DCs get half the amount?

worriedunimum · 09/02/2019 01:40

Is that the amount now ( ie your children get an equal amount as DSis children from now on) or is it what she had already given DSis children in the past, plus she will from now give all her gchildren the same from now on
in other words, is she giving you all the money to bring your children up to the same as DSis, and then saying from now on she's giving all her g children the same?
And, is it backdated?
Does it put your children and DSis children totally equal?
And, what about a the money she gave your DSis in the past, but not you?
I know it's not about the money to you, but the money is the way she has shown affection, so it needs to be equal
Imo

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 09/02/2019 05:58

The cheque was for half the money she had put aside for my nieces.

She gave my sister a cheque for 50% of the saved amount and me a cheque for the other 50%. I know we each got 50% because I had previously seen a screen shot photo of how much money the account had stored in it.

I was reluctant at first and did start talking about how it wasn’t about the money but she said the money was for my children, to show me that she wanted to treat all her grandchildren equally and then she apologised for having made me feel like my sister’s children meant more to her than mine do. She told me that the only reason she’d been saving for my nieces was because she didn’t want them to be disadvantaged but she could see now that her good intentions had now caused more harm than good and she wanted to try and put things right.

OP posts:
Daisypie · 09/02/2019 06:06

I would say thank you and accept it. It doesn't make everything right but it is her way of showing she has heard what you have said.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 09/02/2019 06:45

Very true.

I’m off to work now so won’t be able to catch up again till 9pm ish so I will update then if there’s been any more contact. Thank you everyone for your thoughts, advice and support Flowers

OP posts:
MachineBee · 09/02/2019 08:22

I think you should accept this money. It’s a very visible sign of her acceptance that she dropped a clanger by treating her DGCs differently.

If she starts to slide back to old behaviours be prepared to call her out on it again. But you can still go forward without harking back to the past, while still keeping your own standards intact.

Your DCs have an amazing mum - and you are showing them so well how to cope with difficult things.

Weezol · 09/02/2019 08:26

I would accept the cheque. She's apologised and this is her way to make things right.

woollyheart · 09/02/2019 10:03

She has acknowledged that you see things differently now, and is trying to make amends. I would open accounts for your children, and let her know you have done this.

Hope this means that everyone will be treated fairly going on.

RandomMess · 09/02/2019 10:15

I would accept but keep an open dialogue about you had always needed her support as much as DSIS as and when appropriate. I would also be "telling" your Mom that your sister is bright and capable and capable of carving out a career/better job that she needs to be encouraged to have self belief and independence.

It will be very difficult for your mom to change and I think it will be a case of pulling your mom up kindly about things in the future sort of "when you said/did X it made me feel Y just like when I was young and it hurts" focus on feelings etc.

I really hope things work out for the better Thanks

harriethoyle · 09/02/2019 10:20

OP I think this is your mum trying to fix things and if you don't accept the cheque, that will feel like a huge snub. I would cash it and save it for your dc

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 09/02/2019 11:10

Ok so she has taken all she has saved and she has split it in 2 so each set of grandchildren have the same.

She has then explained they are all equal to her and thought she was giving them all the same start in life but having it shown to her that the already do have an equal start she has adjusted her behaviour and without using the word sorry, she's acknowledged she did the wrong thing (for the right reason, in her mind)

In that case I'd say thankyou mum my children will be grateful one day for this.

The other stuff about how she treated you and your sister so differently and absolutely wouldn't take responsibility for that I'm not sure will ever be completely resolved. Her experience of pnd is what she will always fall to if pushed but if her attitude and treatment of you both change from now on then I'd be inclined to move forward tentatively with a relationship, but a newer, equal, healthier relationship

The important thing is though that you will never again allow yourself to be put in the position and hurt that was normal before. You have much more control and Imput in this relationship and if she tries to go back to previous bad treatment you'll stand up and reset the boundaries very quickly, and if that doesn't work you know you can step back from the entire relationship if you need to.

Really good luck Flowers

Mix56 · 09/02/2019 15:24

So she stops saving from now on ?
I think it's a bit odd. Rather than physically presenting you a cheque. All she needed to do was say she wanted to even it out & the account would continue to grow if & when she was able & was for all gcs
Anyway I think finally she realises it's serious. & has to change if she is going to have a relationship with you.
Go slowly. It will still be new terrain

worriedunimum · 09/02/2019 17:22

I'd take the money, say thank you and then keep a watchful eye on her future behaviour with you and your DSis. Glad she seems to have recognised her past mistakes!

Yulebealrite · 09/02/2019 17:51

I really really hope this is the start of a new relationship for you all and that you can move on positively together.

Fingers crossed.
It sounds as if she's held out an olive branch and is beginning tio recognise the damage she's caused. I hope so anyway.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 09/02/2019 21:24

I did take the cheque and put into my account today. When it has cleared I will transfer the money into my children’s accounts which is what I told my mom I would do.

She said that she was going to stop saving for my sister’s children as she had realised it wasn’t necessary so thought it only fair the money she’d already saved to be split between the 4 grandchildren as opposed to just given to my nieces as per her original intention.

I suppose it is a step in the right direction.....

OP posts:
cstaff · 09/02/2019 22:35

Hi OP. So that was a good start. Apart from the money issue how did the two of you get on. I get that you have a long way to go but was there much talk about your relationship in general or any improvement.

Hopefully things will get better from here on in.

beansontoastfortea · 11/02/2019 21:12

Blimey op... sounds like your mum isn't a narcissist after all

Pleased for the progress you've made... it payed to stand your ground and you're right that its not about the money for you but money seems to be the way your mum shows love. It's good that she's doing the right thing now

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 12/02/2019 07:30

I do wonder though if she would have made the gesture off her own back as opposed to my sister ushering her in that direction.

When I told my sister that my mom had given me a cheque for my DS’s to have half the saved money she was really glad that our mom was finally seeing sense.

I haven’t seen my mom since but I have text her to say thank you again for the money and that maybe it can be a starting point for us to rebuild our relationship. She then replied and said that she agreed and that perhaps we should meet up again to talk about how we can move forwards.

My dad is glad that small steps are being taken but he has jumped to my mom’s defence a little and told me to go easy on her because “she had a really tough time after her PND” and that we can’t blame her for something she had no control over. He said that back in her day PND wasn’t known about in the same way it was today and the support available was not like it is today and so our mom never fully recovered because the help she needed just wasn’t available.

I can see his point but him saying that feels like we’re going full circle again.

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 12/02/2019 07:33

Be careful op.
It sounds like they think that now the Moneys been given everything is ok.
One thing you need to drill In to them is it was never about the Money.
It was the whole treatment and secrecy part.
Also I’m sure many women had PND and didn’t treat their kids like your parents have. Don’t let them wriggle out of it that easily.