y sister financially benefitting from our parents AGAIN - Theead 2.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My mom is due over in 20 minutes so let’s see if she turns up on time for a start......

Feeling very nervous and already feeling upset to be honest. I’m worried I’m just going to burst into tears when I see her

Thanks everyone for your support on the the first thread and I will let you know how tonight goes

I’m very lucky to still have a mother.

Oh fuck that bollocks. My mother died and I was sort of grateful (no, I AM grateful) that my DC won't have to encounter her particular brand of passive aggressive bullshittery for themselves. Doesn't mean I don't miss her, or at least that I don't miss the good bits. I sure as fuck do not miss the bad bits. Anyone who doesn't get that has clearly been fortunate enough to have good relationships up 'til now.

I agree with the others here advising you to tread cautiously though. I believe in your sister's good intentions, FWIW, but it would be so easy for you to unwittingly put yourself in a position to be stamped all over by your mum again.

X-posted. I'm in a similar position with DH atm about just having to believe him when he says all is well, so I get the odd feeling you're having with your Dsis. It's a sort of constant deliberate suspension of disbelief, isn't it. Very weird.

OP, regarding your friend and her mother.

Not all parents are good and have best interests of their children in mind. Your friend hasn’t probably experienced dysfunctional parent to understand so don’t take her comment on board.

Lots of people on Relationship board with toxic/neglectful or other dysfuntional parents, yet still falling for “ but you have only one mother/father and you should/must ...”

Let your mother come to you. The waiting is very hard but the outcome is wirth it. Either your mother sees her wrong doing, apologises and starts making mends( which she hasn’t but your Dad did) or continues her headfucking games without you in which case you’re better off to remove yourselt for the sake of your mental wellbeing.

Good luck whatever you decide, it is very hard

Please don't fall for the you only have one mum line. Not all mothers are good mothers. Some children are not lucky to have those mothers. Your colleague most likely had a normal relationship with her mother, you are discovering that you have not. Don't rush into anything right now. The feelings towards of mistrust your sister are understandable too. You're essentially grieving now for the relationships you thought you had, and you need to let that happen before you are in a position to decide what you want from this. You've shown amazing insight and kindness throughout, but please steel yourself so this cannot be used against you.

OP, what would be your ideal outcome here?

My ideal outcome would be that my mom could accept that the way she has treated me and my sister over the years has been harmful to us both and be able to apologise to us.

I don’t blame her the things that shaped her behaviour towards us, I.e her own dysfunctional childhood, her PND, her misplaced guilt towards my sister etc, those things I know are very deep issues for my mom and ones beyond her any my control. I just want her to understand that even though she had her reasons (not matter how illogical they were to any sane person) to treat us the way she did, she can understand the damage it has caused between the three of us and accept her role in that.

I would love it if she’d have some counselling to work through her own battles because underneath all this crap is a very broken woman who needs help and support. I don’t think she will ever be able to see things clearly because to do that she will have to admit that the way she dealt with her issues (childhood and PND) was not the right way and that it has led to this very dysfunctional dynamic.

Do I think things can ever be the same between me and my mom? Probably not. However, I think the reasons why our relationship is irreparable is because of her actions after the truth came out, not what has been happening throughout my lifetime. I have seen a hurtful and malicious side to my mother over the last few week and although I accept she had no control over her childhood and PND and the damage that caused her, she does have control over how she behaves now, which frankly has been hurtful towards me and my sister.

However, despite the demise of our relationship I still want her to be part of my children’s lives as up until now she has always been brilliant with them. However, I think this can only happen if she accepts they should be treated equally to my sister’s children. Again, I do understand my mother’s reasoning (kind of) about my nieces not coming from a financially stable background compared to mine, but she needs to realise that she must be fair to all four of her grandchildren.

Me and my sister will be ok I think and I will just have to hope that my residual feeling of doubt and mistrust towards her will fade over time.

That is a perfect analysis.
My mother would never have accepted to her last breath that she had treated me unfairly.
Even post her death I have discovered holidays with DB2 that I wasn't on (I was in boarding school) & several special trips to London with DB1 for lunch in posh hotel, just the two of them
I am incredulous. I remember being sent to stay to various people, I guess that's when she spent special time with my brothers.
When my DB1 mentioned this in passing, I was dumbfounded. I asked him why she only took him, he has no idea. but also he had never mentioned it throughout my whole life....
Anyway, where I started on my mind jumble, was I think whatever you do, however this calms down or doesn't, your mother will leave her worldly goods to your sister, & it will hurt over & over. Sadly.

How have your children taken it?
Mine went through a phase of asking to see them, and I was quite honest that we’d had an argument.
We are over a year on and over Christmas I was asked again by the kids.
It’s hard as I just want to shout, “if they were that bloody interested in you we wouldn’t be here”
But obviously I won’t do that!!!

I accept she had no control over her childhood and PND and the damage that caused her, she does have control over how she behaves now, which frankly has been hurtful towards me and my sister.

I'm not sure she actually does have that much control now. To accept blame she has to admit a lot of things to herself that she is in absolute denial about. It's all such a tangled dysfunctional mess. She's emotionally suppressed everything for so many years, it's going to take a lot of work to sort it out and it doesn't sound as if she's prepared to expose herself emotionally through counseling.

I think when you are ready, you are just going to have to draw a line under the past and build a new relationship based on no expectations from her so that you are not disappointed. Draw the boundary of treating the GC equally to avoid them being damaged in the same way you have been, and then accept her for who she is, damage and all. Your relationship will never be the same again. Accept that it isn't your fault at all, don't rely on her and remember how strong you are to have got this far, with such a frankly, crappy mum.
It will be a superficial relationship but you have your sister and your dad who have shown that they utterly value you. That's one good thing you can take from this mess. Counseling is still a good idea for you to help you emotionally detach.

That’s an incredulous read mix - it’s baffles me really what thought processes our parents must have at times!

My children are too young to understand anything really. My oldest is only 4 but he has been asking why he hasn’t seen her and saying he wants to.

I just don’t know where to go from here. My feelings about contacting her change from hour to hour.

@QueenofmyPrinces are you ready for any response from your mum? Are you ready for her to be sarcastic, pushy, overbearing, to be made to feel guilty, even be ignored, as well as a more positive response to you getting back in touch? If you can honestly say you are prepared and willing to hear whatever your mum has to say then take the first step to being back in contact. If you're not fully prepared just give yourself time. You can't control your mum's reaction to you - even if you want a positive response you may not get it no matter how long you wait.

To be honest I don’t think I am ready to be thrown back into all her crap to be honest.

The time away from her has made my life less stressful and easier to enjoy and so maybe my new sense of calm is tricking me into believing that I’m ready to handle whatever she throws at me whereas realistically she will probably just make me feel like shit again.

I probably should leave it longer I guess. Really, I should just enjoy being able to spend my days without her being a constant source of misery and stress and stop trying to engineer a reunion when one really isn’t necessary at this point.

I understand that your DCs are very young but I wouldn’t give false reasons for why they aren’t seeing their DGM at the moment. If you do you’re perpetuating it as a family secret that will not help them in the long run. Children need to know that family relationships aren’t always perfect. Otherwise they grow up thinking it’s their fault if they aren’t.

my DM gave my brother £10,000 for a house deposit when he turned 25. When I turned 25 I got given £5,000 for a house deposit. No negative financial changes in that time - in fact my parents were mortgage free and on a higher wage by the time my 25th rolled around. I've often wondered if maybe they forgot how much they gave him as it was never mentioned, I was grateful for the £5000, however It did obviously strike me odd.

Cut to a few weeks ago, my DM offered to give me some shares of my (deceased) DFs she had found in a drawer, worth £500. I said it wasnt really fair to give them all to me and should I split it with my DB, or buy them off her? She was very confused at why he may be upset and I had to explain that he may feel left out or it unfair that she has gifted such a high amount to me and not him. She got very defensive and raged that "well he got £10,000 for a house and you didnt, so he cant exactly moan! Its got nothing to do with him what we give you. This is like you now having the same as him for a deposit".

. i am utterly bemused at how she thinks £500 is the same as £5,000 first off. Thats not "the rest", its a 10th. Also how she justifies it in her head and thinks its "fair" to gift one child DOUBLE the other. She clearly remembered and thinks its fine. I didnt even bring it up as my mother is NEVER wrong and just gets angry and childish and ends things with "Oh, oh, oh, well you must be right then. im SUCH a bad parent. oh. thats it, your so hard done by! im awful."

Well I went to visit my sister s few hours ago and turned up unannounced as I sometimes do and I noticed that my mom’s car was parked further down the road so obviously visiting my sister too.

I let myself into the house, which I always do, and I could overhear my mom and sister having a conversation in the living room and I’m ashamed to say that I listened in

My sister was basically telling my mom that unless she takes on board how much upset she is causing me then she’s going to lose me. My mom then started making comments about me being too sensitive and my sister then saying that she (our mom) needs to think about how it looks that she (our mom) is saving money for her children and not mine. I didn’t hear what was said next as my eldest niece came bouncing down the stairs with a “Hi Queen” which my sister heard and so came out to us. I pretended that I had just arrived, feigned ignorance that our mom was there, denied seeing the car etc and then left with the excuse that I wasn’t ready to see her (our mom) yet. My sister smiled, said she understood and then I left.

She has since phoned to check I was ok and ask why I had popped round etc etc but I didn’t ask her what our mom had said whilst she was there or what she’d said about me turning up but leaving etc, and and my sister didn’t mention it either.

I haven’t heard from my mom but I don’t really expect too. I least I know my sister is on my side. I still feel guilty about listening in on their conversation though.

Don't feel guilty about listening in, you now know your sister is on 'your side' ( I know not the right choice of words but I'm tired).

Don’t feel guilty for listening in, I don’t think there is anyone who can genuinely say they wouldn’t.

I’m glad your sister was explaining things to your mum but confused they referred to your mum saving for her DC, in the present tense, is she still doing so?

I’m glad your sister was explaining things to your mum but confused they referred to your mum saving for her DC, in the present tense, is she still doing so?

I took it to mean my sister was just talking generally about the money our mom has already saved for my nieces. I have no idea whether our mom has added any more money to that account since she disclosed to us that it existed.

I took it the same Queenof, that your sister was talking in general terms rather then as a continuation of money being saved now.

That’s good, I would rather I was wrong in my initial interpretation.

I’m seeing my sister tonight after work seeing as I didn’t really get to see her last night and I am tempted to ask her if our mom has said anything about whether she plans to keep saving for my nieces or not. I don’t want to make my sister feel awkward about it though and my husband thinks I should just let it go and trust that my sister won’t allow the inequality to continue.

I would have listened in too !
I think it's reassuring to know Sis is still trying to convince your Mother.
in terms of calming the devils in your mind

Actually what would bother be more is that your mom is blaming you for being "very sensitive", your sister didn't call her out on that - instead the focus is on the money.

I'm sure your sister is managing your mom as best she can but your mom is determined that you will take the blame for it. I'm not being critical of your sister just more an observation of how the dynamics are deeply entrenched.

I agree about entrenched dynamics and I think I will always be at fault for one reason or another. I think my mom has held grudges against me my whole life, all of which are probably wrapped up in the PND she suffered, so I can’t ever see it changing.

For her to acknowledge that I’m not at fault or not to blame then she’d have to consider the fact that the fault lies at her feet and I don’t think she can cope with that.

All you can do is encourage your sister to stick with line "mom your actions have hurt both of us, not just the financial favouritism"