y sister financially benefitting from our parents AGAIN - Theead 2.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My mom is due over in 20 minutes so let’s see if she turns up on time for a start......

Feeling very nervous and already feeling upset to be honest. I’m worried I’m just going to burst into tears when I see her

Thanks everyone for your support on the the first thread and I will let you know how tonight goes

Oops,that was meant to be a question mark not an exclamation mark 🙄

I think it will feel strange as you have spent a lifetime trying to get her to acknowledge you, & now you have stopped.
If Sis pulls way also Mother may finally decide she misses you, but may also be too stubborn to give in.
I would give it time. You asked for space, you can retract this at anytime, but I doubt anything will have changed

It just feels odd because suddenly she’s not in my life anymore.

I think I’m going to get in touch either later today or tomorrow because I’ve had some time away from her to clear my head and I’ve got to contact her at some point.

@QueenofmyPrinces - read back what you wrote on 25th Jan -
I feel like a bit of a weight hadneen lifted today, I just feel less bothered about my mom. Not one part of me wants to see her or talk to her and it actually feels quite nice.

Remember that feeling and then remember the stress and hurt that she has been putting you through over the past years and months and her dogged refusal to stop doing the thing that is causing the stress and hurt.

I really couldn't contact someone who was putting me through that amount of pain, even if it were my mother, quite so quickly.

Am I right in thinking that you are starting to feel guilty that you haven't been in touch with each other for a short while due to you being in touch so regularly in the past? The key thing you have to do at the moment is look after yourself. You. Not your mum, not your dad and not your sister. You are the most important person that you have to look after, both with physical and emotional wellbeing.
You do not have to contact her at any point if you think your emotional wellbeing is better off not doing it.

Best of luck to you, whatever you decide to do.

I wouldn't. I don't think she makes you feel good about yourself, She causes pain & confusion. I think this is guilt too.
She is the person who should be feeling guilt

I also wouldn’t contact her. She’ll feel she’s ‘won’ and that you came crawling to her.

She won’t let you forget it. And she won’t take anything else you say seriously as she knows you’ll crack.

As pp said. Remember the lighter feeling you had when you felt free. How all the stress was lifted

What’s changed? If you contact her will you be back to square one, feeling stressed and upset and undermined?

Have you spoken to anyone professionally? I wonder if they can help you see through this a bit clearer.

I don’t feel guilty about asking for space because it was absolutely the right thing to do.

Ultimately though I told her that I would contact her “...... so unless I do then what? We never speak again?

And how long should my “needing space” go on for.... days? Weeks? Months? A year?

I needed some time away from her so I could get things clearer in my head, which they are and I guess I don’t see how anything can be resolved if we aren’t talking to each other?

My oldest one keeps asking why he hasn’t seen his nanny for ages and it’s hard to keep finding excuses. He really misses her and that’s hard for me to see.

Just think through very carefully what you say/write.

Perhaps "I hope we are able to move forward for the DC sake on a fresh footing. Would you like to come for a coffee and see the DC on x"

How you distinguish between a fresh footing and sweeping it under the rug I don't know

I have read your two threads over the last two days and I am in awe of the amount of self-reflection you have been able to bring to this and how insightful you have been. It has had me navel gazing and reflecting on my own upbringing and how I bring up my children. I am painfully aware of difference how my siblings and I were treated as children and also painfully aware of how my relationships with my own children differ.

We had a rather stark view of our own family while watching some footage my in-laws had taken when my children were younger. It has had repercussions as my DD was made starkly aware of how she behaves towards her siblings, she made these observations her self and has since made some significant changes to her behaviour. We have talked about how this is human and her realisation is truly special and she is amazing for recognising it and what matters is what she does about it.

I would hate for my own behaviour to be filmed and played back to me as I am not perfect, but it has made me think, alot!!

Some of your comments have made me cry, I have a tendency to over empathise!! I have been struck by a revelation in my own family, the one who was most supported and helped financially is the one who i
was blamed for my mother's bipolar disorder / depression. One day, I must find a way to say how horribly cruel it was of my mother to create a narrative which blamed a child for a mental illness when in fact, years later, it has come out that one of the causes of her depression was due to sexual abuse by one of her siblings and the fact that her parents brushed it under the carpet.

My mom didn't bond with my older sister and she controlled her for years, making her feel dependant on her. I was 'always in the way' and 'fiercely independent' but there were times when I just wanted my parents to scoop me up and help. There are things that have had repercussions in the lives of our own children and I have pushed hard to bring some things out into the open as somehow we carry grief, hurt and guilt of previous generations and saying these things out loud does lighten the load.

Sometimes it is not about assigning blame but about bringing understanding. For example, my mother was induced with me because my dad was going away and everyone agreed that it was best if he met me before he went. This somehow manifested itself in my mother needing to be with my sister and I when we went into labour and it had a knock on effect on us and our birth stories. Releasing all of this emotion by knowing more about our own birth stories and some honesty about PND, bonding and the reality of the early days of motherhood for our mother has really helped my sister and I. We have worked hard to heal our relationship with each other, to recognise damaging behaviours and to develop strategies to limit their impact on us. My mother is not capable of this kind of reflection, but my father is to some extent. I now realise that I do have to develop a greater understanding from my brother's perspective and to help him heal too.

Anyway, sorry for the essay but thanks for bringing all of this our for inspection!! Let all of yours come out, hand it over to the universe and free yourself. Know that it will benefit your mother, even if she is incapable of accepting this help. Remember we all have choices in how we behave and sometimes we are presented again and again with the same situation until we learn how to deal with it.

I don’t see how anything can be resolved if we aren’t talking to each other?

But you talked before. What was resolved then? I’m not saying never speak to her again. I just think you need to be in a headspace where you are capable of dealing with whatever happens.

How long have you had this space from your mum and her toxicity? Although it may feel like a long time to you it really isn’t.

I’m sorry to keep droning on about professional help but I feel you just want things to be fixed and back to normal. Understandably. But I don’t think your mother is emotionally able to give you what you need.

For the time being, you have to show her just how seriously you are hurting from her behavior. If that means you don't speak to her for a month or two, that is fine. If a month or two turns in to 6 months, that's fine too.
If your mother is narcissistic as others have suggested, she will be unable to not have your around for her purposes, whatever guise that might be in. She will be in touch with you because she can't do without her emotional punching bag (I thought long and hard before I typed those words OP and sincere apologies if you are hurt by them, that was not their intention at all).

As for your kids asking why they can't see their granny, I'd reply and say in simple terms that granny and mummy are having a disagreement about something at the moment and need a bit of space and time away from each other.

Has your sister been in touch?

Is it worth trying to make the next meeting a child centred one to take the focus off all the craziness of the last few months?

I suppose it has only been 10 days of no contact which is hardly anything - but it just seems so much longer than that.

bagpuds - do you mean has my sister been in touch with our mom?

I can imagine it’s hard but please try and make sure you are ready and not feeling any pressure to rush your Mum back into your life. If you fake breeziness your DC’s will be placated easily enough. They don’t know that there is an emotionally charged back story to ‘oh everyone’s so busy, we’ll see Nanny soon... how about we do x / have y’. Sending a big hug as we are all really proud of you

Sorry yes with both of you really, I take it the two of you have been in touch but has she spoken to DM since the phone call.

My sister and mom are still in touch but I don’t ask my sister for any details about what’s being said between them because I don’t want to get drawn back into it all really.

To be honest though, I am curious what they are saying to each other. I know it sounds awful but I can’t help but feel that I can’t trust them.

I’m trying to ignore those thoughts though as me and my sister seem to be on the same page and standing together against all this mess but a small part of me still feel uneasy.

I’m a bit ashamed to admit that really

Don't be ashamed op; your DM will absolutely make it her mission to get your DSis back in line as she's dependent on your DSis to help her bolster her own self image. Your dsis will be wanting to make things better, much as you are, and may well cave in and revert to old patterns. You'd be a bit dim or naive to NOT consider it, really.

The thing is, even if my mom does get my sister back in her fold there’s no way I would ever know so all I can do is trust my sister isn’t it?

I feel like my sister is my partner and our mom is the OW and I’m having to trust my sister that everything is over. It’s a very strange feeling.

you still sound so stuck in the relationship status you had before.and it plays to her that you need it.you want to get in touch and resolve things but don't you dnerstand that someone with your mums (ill call it condition) will never change and will always treat you this way.partly because I don't think she ever will see she has done anything wrong!narcissis don't.
but you still have that need in you for her to contact and want and love you.which is bloody normal but it is only going to cause you harm.
she will always then be able to reel you back in.
only when you don't need he to be ok wll you ever be in control on this relationship and bale to cope with whtever it brings.

I thin it’s because I was talking to a colleague yesterday about what had been going on (I say colleague but she’s also been a good friend over the last two years or so and has met my mom a few times) and she thinks I will regret cutting my mom out of my life.

She sadly lost her mom about 6 years ago and she said life is too short to hold grudges about things that can’t be changed and that I’m very lucky to still have a mother.

I can see her point but I think her bereavement probably biases her view.

You haven't cut her out, you have asked her to respect your feelings, in return she has called you jealous, said you were throwing a tantrum and has continued to provide evidence of her favouritism of your sister and to thrust that into your face. You have the right to have some space to come to terms with this. You have shown compassion, understanding, respect, forgiveness and love. You should not feel guilt or regret.

You have a mother who admits to not loving you and has never shown you the type of love you crave and deserve. She and your father have continued to praise you for being independent and pushed you to do more and achieve for yourself thus pushing you further away from them despite you doing everything to please and support them in return for a love that they were unable to give, in spite of it all, you forgive them, while their behaviours encouraged your sister to rely upon them and keep her close.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

You are not holding a grudge about something that happened when you were kids, you are still suffering the same inequality and your DM refuses to admit that. Did you call her yesterday? Hope it went well if you did.

I think you do want a relationship with your DM but with the help of the rest of your family, who all sound lovely, I think you need to come to terms with the situation. I think you need to only meet her in the near future where she has to be on her best behaviour, maybe with the kids around (would she throw a hissy in front of them) I would suggest a public place but she's already done the storming out of the restaurant thing.

Good luck

I think you should not expect it to be all or nothing. Most relationships are shades of grey. Referring to your sister as your partner and your mother as OW is strange. It's as though you want your sister to choose between you and your mother and to choose you as proof of loyalty. I fear that if you put your sister in this situation, you will damage the relationship with her.

I get that you have suffered by seeing favouritism of your sister over you, but don't try to punish your sister by seeking to drive a wedge between her and your mother. It will just backfire and you will be left out in the cold. Take a step back, deep breaths, try not to be so involved and to overanalyse the situation. I say this not to be critical, but for your own peace of mind.

life is too short to hold grudges about things that can’t be changed and that I’m very lucky to still have a mother.
That clearly depends on the Mother though.
Your Mother deliberately offered your sister the "pieces of silver" infront of your face on the last occasion. That was intentional, she could have in spite of the previous fall out, try to bribe her in private.
How on earth did she suppose that would go down ? It was designed to hurt & enforce the Us v You...
Nothing is resolved. If you call & offer to meet at the park with DC whatever, just say the children would love to see you, & make it child based. Even then, Is this going to continue with your kids via DNs ?

Referring to your sister as your partner and your mother as OW is strange. It's as though you want your sister to choose between you and your mother and to choose you as proof of loyalty.

I meant it in the sense of having worries at the back of my head that my sister will start accepting money from my mom again behind my back - I.e It’s like I’m struggling to forget the deceit they shared. I likened it to that if an affair just in the sense that’s it’s not that easy to just trust her/then again to not deceive me again.

I would never ask or expect my sister to choose between our mom and me, the thought hadn’t even crossed my mind.

I think I have to find a way to have my mom in my life but at the same time not allow her to emotionally effect me. I need to find a way to remove the emotional attachment and accept that she will never be the mother I have always wanted. It’s just so hard.