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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

y sister financially benefitting from our parents AGAIN - Theead 2.

547 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 16/01/2019 17:40

My mom is due over in 20 minutes so let’s see if she turns up on time for a start......

Feeling very nervous and already feeling upset to be honest. I’m worried I’m just going to burst into tears when I see her Sad

Thanks everyone for your support on the the first thread and I will let you know how tonight goes Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 25/01/2019 10:13

My sister phoned me this morning in tears saying she’d had a really bad argument over the phone with our mom.

Apparently our mom had been going on and on and on at her about how stupid she is to stop accepting her monthly “allowance”, telling her she was punishing her daughters and that she (my mom) couldn’t believe she (my sister) was being so silly just because I’d had a hissy fit (my mom’s words).

My sister told her that all this upset is about SO much more then the £200 a month and why couldn’t she (our mom) see or understand that.

Mom then started going off on one again, telling her to put a stop to all this nonsense and to grow up Shock

My sister unsurprisingly just slammed the phone down.

I told my sister that maybe she should go no contact (to use MN terms) for a while like I have because I can’t see what other option there is.

We are just going round and round in circles with our mom and the only ones seeming to be upset by it are me and my sister. It’s just not worth it.

I can’t believe how blind my mother is being. She seems to think this is simply me and my sister having a tantrum or something and that we need to just “grow up” and that her telling us off (as she seems to be doing to my sister) is going to achieve that.I just don’t know what’s going through her mind.

OP posts:
Yulebealrite · 25/01/2019 10:29

Your sister may not be blameless in the past but she's got your back now.
In a way it's harder for her because you've known for years that your mum is wrong. Your sister must feel as if the rug has completely been pulled out from under her feet, both emotionally and less importantly but still having an impact on her - financially.
Kudos to your sister for having the balls to stand up to your mum.

You won't begin to heal until you can emotionally detach from your mother. I thousandth the counseling.

StormTreader · 25/01/2019 10:35

But an allowance is what you give to a child, and "growing up" is wanting to be independent and standing on your own two feet in life as much as is possible.....
Shes still saying "grow up" and "stop acting like a child" to both of you when that is actually the complete opposite of what she wants.

cstaff · 25/01/2019 10:38

I actually think your sister has been fantastic and really has your back in this matter. She may not have been perfect in the past but who has. Once she realised how badly all of this affected you she took your side no question and as a result your relationship with her has grown.

You both need to give your mum space at the very least - give yourselves head space and look after each other as you have been.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 25/01/2019 10:49

I think that however CF your DSis was in the past (both intentionally and unintentionally), she really has understood your position and is standing with you now. Unfortunately she's suffering for it.

I'm sure your DM is upset, actually. In fact I bet she's distraught, because her power (as she perceives it) over your DSis has gone. That must have been a severe blow to self-image, as she views herself as the one who'll save your DSis from Life in general. What is she now, she wonders?

Not that it should be your problem!!

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 25/01/2019 10:59

I've just realised my DM did this too. When we were kids: "You rely on me - I am powerful and you are weak. This makes me feel good and strong; I am contemptuous of your weakness". When we were adults: "You don't rely on me any more. I have no power over you. This makes me weak and contemptible, just like you were before. I am furious at this change, and resist it".

Your mother's whole attitude reeks of the contempt she felt towards dependents and the terror she has of being deprived of her power over them. IMO anyway.

It's all so self-reinforcing. Your DM leaves the family, then returns and lavishes fuss on the older child who was old enough to miss her. Younger child doesn't have the language to express the same, and in any case has learned not to depend on mum to same extent and so doesn't go mad over mummy. Mummy notices and favours the more overtly needy child for reasons outlined above. Younger child continues to learn to live without much love from Mummy. A vicious cycle emerges....

RandomMess · 25/01/2019 11:05

Your Mom really is showing how awful she is Sad the scales must be falling from everyone's eyes very fast...

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 25/01/2019 11:06

Thank you everyone. I know my sister has done wrong in the past but I understand her reasons. When we had that long and upsetting talk about childhoods we saw each other in a different light and we both saw the damaged childhood the other one had had. We have a deeper understanding now of why we are who we are (if that makes sense) and we have both had our eyes opened in terms of the damage our parents (but mostly our mom) caused both of us. I really do feel like we are battling through this together because we are both trying to find our way through the confusion. With everything that has come out from the talk she and I had, and what our mom has been saying and how she’s behaving, it sort of feels like the last 20 years of our lives have been a lie and that the family dynamics/relationships we thought we had were actually based on manipulation and our mom wanting to shape us to be independent from her (me) and dependent on her (my sister).

The whole thing is beyond comprehension at the moment for both of us. It feels like we are holding on to each other because that’s the only thing we can rely on whilst trying to make sense of the rest.

OP posts:
woollyheart · 25/01/2019 11:06

Agree with @StormTreader

Her language is about you being infantile, whereas she is furious that you are behaving like adults.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 25/01/2019 11:11

Her language is about you being infantile, whereas she is furious that you are behaving like adults.

I agree.....she may be telling us to grow up but actually she wants us to stay like children that she can scold and control.

She was always incredibly strict on me and my sister during our childhood (from late toddlerhood through to early teens) to the point we were quite scared of her. We wouldn’t ever dare defying her and she always knew that and she knew she had complete control over us. I guess that’s why she’s struggling now because she’s realising that actually we are strong enough to stand up to her.

OP posts:
ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 25/01/2019 11:15

I think that if your sister does speak to her at any point in the near future, the phrase "You keep telling me to act like an adult, but you're furious when I actually try to be independent of you" (as stated above) would be a good one to try. She needs to drop it as a one-liner and see if it sinks in.

woollyheart · 25/01/2019 11:35

It might be worth looking at transactional analysis for some clues on how to approach this. Has anyone suggested looking at the book 'I'm ok, you're ok'?

You and your sister are trying to move to a more adult to adult style of communication with your mother. It seems she may be stuck in a parent-child mode of communication. Your efforts at moving her from this, may be interpreted by her as putting you in the position of parent and her in the child role. Which she greatly fears.

You can force keeping conversation at adult to adult level, but it is quite difficult. There will be some good tips that will help you if you read up on it.

I found this invaluable in dealing with some employees in the past where they veered uncontrollably from petulant child behaviour to dominating parent type behaviour. They also found it really helpful once they understood that I wanted an adult to adult type of discussion.

TillyMint81 · 25/01/2019 11:39

I had counselling last year that helped me so much. It came out that my mum was a narcissist and part of the whole process meant me mourning the relationship that I finally realised I could never have with her. It was rough but I got there. The counsellors last words on my mother were 'protect yourself when you are around her'
It helped massively and in the end I started to feel sorry for her. I've stepped back and stopped trying to please her and for a while she struggled with the new balance but now is more respectful of me. Nothing was said. She doesn't know I had counselling but just my behaviour changing forced her to change hers. She wasn't getting the reactions she always had and it threw her.
You've done so well with this and if I could I'd be round with a bottle of wine and a bunch of flowers!

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 25/01/2019 17:10

Thank you Tilly and in fact I’m off to my sister’s house shortly with a bottle of wine Grin

I feel like a bit of a weight hadneen lifted today, I just feel less bothered about my mom. Not one part of me wants to see her or talk to her and it actually feels quite nice.

OP posts:
Knittedfairies · 25/01/2019 17:25

I feel like a bit of a weight hadneen lifted today, I just feel less bothered about my mom. Not one part of me wants to see her or talk to her and it actually feels quite nice
That's a big leap forward OP! Enjoy your evening; don't let it all be about your mum.

CarpeVitam · 25/01/2019 18:18

It's great that you are feeling brighter Queen. I hope you have a lovely evening with your sister 🥂!

NWQM · 25/01/2019 18:35

Have fun with your sister. Xx

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 26/01/2019 07:03

Morning all!!

We had a lovely time, watching films, drinking wine and ordering take out. As soon as I turned up we shook hands on a deal where we agreed we wouldn’t talk about mom or dad and would instead just have a good time. We had a really good night and two of our other friends joined too so it was a night of gossip and laughter. It was just what I needed.

So I continue to feel in a positive frame of mind with a much lighter load on my shoulders!!

OP posts:
Weenurse · 26/01/2019 07:11

Good job.
I think agreeing to not talk about your parents was a great idea and you got to have a good time.

Mix56 · 26/01/2019 07:59

Good Plan.....

MachineBee · 26/01/2019 09:50

So pleased you were able to relax and have fun OP.

Bobbybear10 · 26/01/2019 16:30

I think your sister told you about the phone call and how upset she was (possibly milking it slightly) because she wanted you to tell her to take the money,
But I’m a cynical old cow so what do I know! It probably says more about me that I think that way.

Honestly as long as you are happy then that’s great. I’m glad things seem to be looking a little brighter for you.

CarpeVitam · 29/01/2019 17:59

How are you today Queenof? Has your mum respected your wishes and not been in touch?

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 29/01/2019 19:17

Hi carpe, thanks for asking how things are.

Still radio silence here which feels very strange. I know it’s what I asked for and I know it’s helping me but it really feels odd.

My sister has spoken to her following their arguement and near enough pleaded with our mom to drop all this rage and to work with us instead of against us but it fell on deaf ears.

I don’t know where I go from here really as I know for a fact that my mom will not make any effort to contact me, but nor do I know how to re-instate contact either. I don’t even know what I would say to her.

OP posts:
CarpeVitam · 30/01/2019 08:32

Are you regretting asking for space....it sounds like you are wanting/waiting for her to contact you! Whilst understandable I sadly don't think you are ever going to get what you need from her OP. Sending hugs x

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