To ask if you would work (hypothetical)

[TheExtraGuineaPig]

There have been a few threads on here, plus the Bezos story that have got me wondering.

Would you work if you had a really well paid DP/DH/DW. Not as rich as Jeff Bezos (!) but in the 1%, £500k pa or similar. In my scenario you have kids at school - need care before and after plus holidays - and have had a career in the past but not one that really lends itself to part time work. Any PT work would be average pay.

I'm not sure what I would do.. would be worried about becoming unemployable in the case of disaster striking but also would find it very hard to get motivated to go out to work.

Yes i would work. Just because you're with someone who has a great career doesn't mean you always will, nor would I want to put my career in the bin.

I enjoy working and my children and family life as well, they are happy at school and I'm happy at work.

Work can be important without being the be all and end all or “defining” you.

I don’t fancy the idea of being kept financially by someone else. I’m kind of glad I’ve never had to worry about it given my husband’s salary!

On here is also the only place I’ve seen SAHMs talking about having pensions. I don’t imagine that’s particularly prevalent in the wider SAHM population.

Schmoobarb on £500,000 it would be perfectly normal to have all kinds of tax efficient investments/ pensions for the SAHP though.

Agree SAHP having pensions is quite rare, but not everyone has a workplace pension either (low earners, those that can't afford the contributions so opt out). Mumsnet is quite a skewed demographic, most people I know don't have careers they have jobs, maybe a job that has progressed to a well paid job but don't even know any higher rate taxpayers of my own generation (several of my dad's age.)

I didn't 'need' to work for many years, (my DH earned nowhere near £500k ) and I was perfectly happy being out of the workforce, I had/have lots of interesting volunteer opportunities and I was never bored.

Interestingly I have now returned to work, I have a part time job that I love ......... my DH is desperate to retire (he's about the right age) but I have no wish to give up my work.

I agree with others that your paid employment shouldn't define the sort of person you are, I find that very sad. My paid role is actually very similar to the volunteering I did for many years (probably why I got the job).

If I won (theoretically as I don't do it) the lottery I expect I would give up paid employment but continue with my volunteering.

I’d do fun stuff like buy, renovate and resell properties. Or open a coffee shop / cafe or perhaps a bar!

That’s true sweetheart. The demographic on here is odd to say the least!

However, in the real world, the majority of people moan about Sunday night, live for Friday and their holidays, resent their boss, are pissed off with their colleagues and are miserable.

But you're getting skewed results based on the question. I love my job, love my colleagues, I don't live for Friday or my holidays, enjoy the challenge and am bloody delighted with my life.

If I wasn't and my DH earned $500k+ then I would quit and find something I did want to do.

The majority of us who are saying we would keep our jobs, are doing so based on the fact that we enjoy our lives and our careers/jobs, not because we have to.

 I’m a SAHM and can spend on myself, no issues. Also have a pension and healthcare.

Ok that's nice for you...but I was just explaining my POV that I want to spend my own money on my things. You can do it your way too.

My parents have your set up, my mum has never worked, she brought us up, and my dad is fine with what she spends on herself. They're very happy; I'm very happy.

Me too, in fact DH actively encourages me to spend whatever I want on myself because he recognizes that I work hard too. It’s family money and he wouldn’t dream of questioning what I spend (obviously we make the decisions on big ticket items together). I’d never be with a partner that monitored my spending, that is so controlling.*

You sound really goady. I never said my DH monitors my spending?! Good for you though.

DH and I are high earners in the city, think top 1%. I could give up my job tomorrow and it would make little difference in some ways. However I think it’s important to work for a myriad of reasons. Also, as a black woman, I have had to work that bit harder to get where I am and I feel proud that I’m a good role model for the DC, particularly my DD.

Do you think you’d be a poor role model for your children as a stay at home parent?

Love the idea that work gives you an ‘intellectual and stimulating pusuit’ .

Must remind my DH of that as he is up at 5am writing ridiculous reports for his boss (& yes he has a well paid ‘professional’ job, but with relentless targets & expectations).

No one has really answered the question about how you will all cope if you are made redundant or when you retire if you feel your job ‘defines’ you.

Perhaps because I am nearer retirement age than many on this thread but as I have got older it has made me realise how much more important it is to be a rounded person, to have a wide range of interests and hobbies. The majority of my my circle are now retired or working part time, they all have varied & interesting lifestyles, certainly not swanning off to lunch or spas or golf everyday (although that’s nice occasionally) but busy in the community, running the Food Banks, caring for the elderly, volunteering with refugees etc etc. I have no idea what ‘career’ they had when they worked, I am interested in the person they are now.

I am in that position and, no, I don’t work. Family life is easier this way and my DH doesn’t need me to be distracted and tired by another job / role in the household when the money would be irrelevant. We have 4 DC, though they’re all in school. Life is busy enough. I haven’t worked for 16 years, but may return part-time ish (self-employed) once my youngest starts senior school next year. Not really for the money, but more because this is an area of interest for me. No I don’t feel insecure about money in the event of a break up and if I did, I would have done something about it. I don’t need “my own” money because it is my money . DH could have achieved what he has as a single man; but no way could he have done it around 4 DC - unless he’d employed a super-nanny to work 24/7.

My DH earns the numbers mentioned in the opening post and I work. He would be happy if I was a SAHM but I don't want to be.

I don't have a career, I have a job. I don't love it or hate it. I work because I have to (single mum). My job isn't intellectually challenging and certainly doesn't define me.

I would still work in my low paid job even if I did have a well off husband. I've been a single parent for most of DS's life and I'm used to doing things this way. I'd just never feel secure enough to rely on someone else so much. I think to be a SAHP you have to really trust your working partner not to abuse it in any way and I just don't think I could ever trust anyone enough for that.

Those are my personal issues of course but that's the reason that I would work.

I wouldn't seek employment no but I'd run my own business in something I really wanted to do (right now this would be either property development or to open a proper American diner).

I'd obviously be employing people to do the grunt work and would have as much input as I wanted.

Ragwort
No one has really answered the question about how you will all cope if you are made redundant or when you retire if you feel your job ‘defines’ you.

I don't think anyone has actually said their job defines them; that's your judgement. Working is important to me and motivates and stimulates me in a way that no hobby/interest/studying ever has.

If I was made redundant I'd look for another job; I have a broad skills base so it wouldn't need to be exactly the same as my current role. And when I retired? My ideal would be to have a number of non-exec positions (just as many business men of retirement age do.) They usually require a day or sos work a month plus quarterly meetings (maybe a bit more depending on the company). If that was not possible I'd probably do another degree and some volunteering but the 'wishy-washy non-structured nature of those things has never kept my attention in the past.

And to minipie I'm also an ex-City lawyer (corporate) now in house (commercial). I have had to juggle all of the things you referenced and have seen my female single parent boss do similar. The need for me to be something other than serving the needs of my children means the extra stress is worth it for me and, as I understand it, also for my boss too.

I don't need to work, I choose to work - the fact I have that choice makes my job feel like freedom to me but I recognise it would not feel that way if I needed to work to make ends meet.

This thread has become weirdly aggressive. Why do people think that other people's choices are a judgement on theirs? That I like my job, would not want to be a sahp even if my DH was very rich and regard my professional identity as an important part of my identity as a whole only means those things are true for me. It doesn't mean I think everyone else 'should' do and feel the same. That some people feel they only have real financial independence and control when they earn their own wage doesn't mean they don't believe others who say their situation is quite different.

The snide comments about people who are defined by their work as if their work contributing to their identity means they are somehow deficient are just petty and unnecessary. I don't give a shit what defines you, as long as you are happy and hurting no one why the hell does it matter?

Mojitwo
Family life is easier this way
my DH doesn’t need me to be distracted and tired by another job / role in the household
DH could have achieved what he has as a single man; but no way could he have done it around 4 DC

Pretty much the only thing you have said about YOUR life is that Life is busy enough. What do you do for yourself?

I hope that you are happy serving all of those other needs for the last 16 years. I think that doing your own self-employed thing next year sounds like a good idea. I wish you the best of luck with that.

However, in the real world, the majority of people moan about Sunday night, live for Friday and their holidays, resent their boss, are pissed off with their colleagues and are miserable

Nope, I still work as I love working. I’m passionate about what I do, I love the challenge and I get a real high from dealing with the challenges my work brings. I really like my boss, I have a great team and love working with them and even dealing with their challenges and moans and groans. Obviously there are times when I love work a bit less but I never think of not working.

I’ve been a SAHM to a high earning husband and it wasn’t for me. So I work and we are all happier for it.

I have a career so I'd hate to give that up.
Plus it's good for my children to see me working at something.

Well DH isn't in the 1% but earns enough that I don't need to work. To be honest I am blooming bored, I had 1 year of unemployment and that left me lonely (DH often travels for 1 week or more for work) we don't have kids so even more loneliness, and the pets were recently given away as yes we had to move for his work and taking the pets wasn't an option.
I studied for years at uni and worked hard after to develop my career, I am in my early thirties, now I am taking a career change and earn pertinence to get some varied experience which will hopefully land me a management position in my next role. But I wouldn't stay at home, its depressing for one thing and yes I am in contact with the wives that lunch in my town but to be honest I can't be part of that crowd, some of their conversations are too dull and I miss my old academic friends and circles I moved in before. So yes I am continuing to work and looking for new opportunities because I just can't handle staying at home, even in a gorgeous huge house that I don't need to clean. Life is too short and well TV is mundane I would rather experience life directly. We take 4 -6 holidays per year, but yes I still want to work. I think the only way I wouldn't work is if we lived on a beach and I could dive/snorkel all day and run in a jungle that would make me happy as I love the outdoors.

Why do people think that other people's choices are a judgement on theirs?

oh my word, that is so true!

The snide comments about people who are defined by their work as if their work contributing to their identity means they are somehow deficient are just petty and unnecessary.
I think it's in response to people who have written that not working = being bored, being boring and not doing anything all day and have nothing interesting to talk to because of that.

jophie80

Life is too short and well TV is mundane I would rather experience life directly
That's the whole point, as much as I enjoy my job, I know that I would be doing a lot more if I wasn't in my office. Frankly, it's a bit sad and rude to assume that people who don't work spend their days cleaning the house and watching TV.

Herethere - I hear what you’re saying and I guess I have given 99% of my focus and energy to my DC and DH for 16 years. We did have 4 DC though, not one or two. To be honest, DH has preferred me at home and he has always said this. I think life would have been a lot more stressful for everyone if I had tried to maintain a career as well. I think if I’d stayed at work I wouldn’t have been any more or less fulfilled or happy - it would have just been a different set of challenges and a different focus.