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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

re 21 year son in full time job living at home resenting giving his keep

152 replies

tigtink6 · 15/01/2019 22:59

Anyone else with this problem?
just getting divorced- now renting- i cannot afford to buy a house.
rent is expensive- daughter in uni - which her Dad is supporting as he earns alot more than me.She is in digs and comes home one day a week to stay at my house.
My son has not paid keep since we moved to the new home - he also earns more than me by £100 a month. He pays his own car , phone and insists if he pays his own food, thats ok-he is a bodybuilder-and has great job at a nutrition company-

He resents his Dad paying for my daughter- she does have a student loan, she works and pays her food and travel etc.He also has no relationship with his Dad Long story . Father is odd and it has taken 5 years to seperate, i work full time in a demanding job, so its been a haul as i had to sell the house and pack up the move myself as well as arrange his Fathers stuff to be moved as he left it all to me to sort but took his full share of the house,

i am trying to be tactful but it is getting me down.
what should i do-? i have mentioned tonight we need to sit down and talk it through- with a list of the outgoings. i know my kids are upset at losing the family home- it was lovely rural location , now we are in a a not so great area- even the cats are not happy!

OP posts:
Yearofthemum · 15/01/2019 23:15

I'm afraid he has to grow up. How can he possibly expect you to struggle and support him whilst he has a job.

DD wasn't delighted to contribute at home whilst DS was at Uni. He still is, and she is still working.

I just had to explain whenever it came up (a few times) that nobody had stopped her choosing to go to university, and that she gained other advantages from her situation (not least no student loan).

She moaned bitterly about it a few times, and I repeated myself, until she accepted it. She's fine about it now.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 15/01/2019 23:16

Put your foot down, he is an adult and has to pay his share. Tell him he is welcome to find somewhere else to live.

gamerchick · 15/01/2019 23:20

It's pretty simple, he either tips up or moves out. Close your ears to the favouritism rant that his sister gets from dad. It's just a bit of projection.

I get keep from my son at 19 as well as pitching in with the house. He recognises that living as an adult means pitching in.

JasperKarat · 15/01/2019 23:31

So his sister gets financial support buy he doesn't? Hardly seems fair, of he's paying his own food, phone, car etc could you say to him if you can see he is saving X amount a month so he can move out at some stage and be independent you will let him live at home without charge until DD graduates and isn't being supported by her DF. It isn't DSs fault his dad is a no hoper and Dds DF is actually there for her. That must hurt. You say he's done well and got a good job, give him a foot on the ladder like DD is getting.

bridgetreilly · 15/01/2019 23:52

Well, he can either pay you, or he can move out and pay a landlord. His choice at this stage. You can say that you are sorry you can't afford the kind of financial contributions his sister is getting and you need him to start paying his way. Tell him (don't let him decide) what is a fair amount towards his living costs and rent in your house and that he needs to set up a monthly standing order for that amount. When his sister is no longer a full time student, the deal will be the same for her.

Maelstrop · 15/01/2019 23:54

He earns more than you, he needs to pay for his keep.

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 15/01/2019 23:57

If his sister is still studying and he’s working full time in a well paid job, I wouldn’t get bogged down in any “it’s not fair!” arguments- their circumstances are totally different.

He’s 21 and should be capable of understanding a balance sheet of what money is coming into the house, what goes out, and how much of that expense is affected by him living there.

mummmy2017 · 16/01/2019 00:02

Tell him to go look how much a flat share is.
Or would he like to rent and you can move in with him. On the same terms he is enjoying....
Then ask him why he thinks he should live rent free when working...

Inertia · 16/01/2019 00:35

Are you getting your fair share of the marital assets? Not quite sure what you mean by taking his full share of the house.

Son needs to either pay his share of the rent, or move out so that you can get a paying lodger.

willstarttomorrow · 16/01/2019 00:42

I have a friend in a very similar situation, although dad is constantly poisoning the situation in that he has made my friend the bad guy and very much has adult son on side. So 19 year old now totally refuses to contribute despite working full time after finishing an apprentiship and earning massive amounts for someone with no outgoings. He is doing cash in hand work on top. His is mum portrayed is a leach living in the family home who only has achieved a crap low paid job (because she sacrificed her earning potential so ex could work and take no responsibility for family life). She is also totally responsible for his younger sister financially as dad refuses to pay anything towards her expenses (she is under 18).

It is easy to give advice but much harder to follow it through if you are the one actually having to deal with things, particularly if you are at a low ebb. However your son needs to understand becoming an adult comes with the responsibities of an adult. We have all had to pay our way in life and lots of us have made huge sacrifises for our children. As parents we decide when this stops and they stand on their own two feet. If your DS does not like it then he can move out. I am sure that financially this will not be the best option for your son and he knows this. It may be good for him though.

Your son may feel it is unfair but bloody hell, when is life as an adult ever fair? My mum is still bitter about having to finish school at 16 and look after my nan when she had loads of potential and her brothers got on with careers. I am mighty pissed off at being widowed suddenly with a young child and still having to fight for pensions years later that we are entitled to because they keep finding reasons not to pay whilst we are living off my wage. Your daughter has gone to university, I would argue that financially she is in a far worse position than your son despite support from her dad. I know my friends who went straight into work are far better off than me, despite being a senior professional in the public sector.

Your son needs to grow up and accept thay life costs money. It is for his own good that he learns this sooner rather than later.

user139328237 · 16/01/2019 01:20

University is a choice and to be honest many girls (and in my experience it does tend to be girls) go and study something that is of next to no use or relevance for what they want to do afterwards and often manage to extend the course even further by taking whimsical years abroad. In those cases the child at uni deserves absolutely no more financial support than a working child and to treat the child who made more sensible financial choices worse is unfair and quite frankly absurd as it encourages irresponsible financial decision making.
So really whether you are being unreasonable depends on whether DD is studying a vocational degree or otherwise has a plan that her degree is required for after uni or whether she has chosen to get a degree to delay real life and continue to get money from her dad for longer. It also seems exceptionally unfair that their Dad clearly has a favourite child so if anything you should be treating DS more favourably than DD.

BeachtheButler · 16/01/2019 01:21

Pay up or move out. His choice.

NoSquirrels · 16/01/2019 01:29

^^
What Beach said.

The comparison you need to make is not between him and his student, non-wage-earning sister.

It is between him and a lodger in employment who would pay you rent for the room he is living in. Up to £7,500 tax-free, which is £625 per month.

If he doesn't want to pay for his room in your house, you will need the room so that someone else can pay you.

RonaldMcDonald · 16/01/2019 01:41

It sounds like you are holding onto lots of guilt that maybe isn’t yours

The divorce
The move
The dad not supporting one child but supporting and in contact with the other

Explain the finance to your son and then give him a chance to think about it and how under water you are. Don’t expect immediate answers.

SophiaLovesSummer · 16/01/2019 01:46

@user139328237

'University is a choice and to be honest many girls (and in my experience it does tend to be girls) go and study something that is of next to no use or relevance for what they want to do afterwards and often manage to extend the course even further by taking whimsical years abroad'

May I ask what your 'experience' of these 'girls' you speak of is?

SophiaLovesSummer · 16/01/2019 01:48

OP I know this is hard and it's so easy for people to just say do x, y, or but so much harder to do it. That said though, your postion is untenable and the life lessons he is getting right now are bad ones.

It's even worse given you're a renter as patently without him you would need a flat with one less bedroom - IE you can quite directly see what excess he is costing you. And just NO to you subbing everything for him when he earns more money than you Shock - that's cray cray.

Hidingtonothing · 16/01/2019 01:59

I think you have to completely separate the issue of him contributing to your household from DD getting support from your ex, the phrase 'take that up with your father' springs to mind. What DD gets is unconnected with you paying your rent and bills, DS has (presumably) chosen to live with you rather than getting his own place and he can't expect not to contribute, he's an adult now.

Coyoacan · 16/01/2019 02:35

I think you are feeling a certain undeserved guilt and our offspring pick up on this and use it against us. The fact is you are not helping him by giving in to this. He needs to finish growing up and part of that is having responsibility for the place he lives.

SheAlreadyDoneHadHerses · 16/01/2019 03:08

To be honest I was ready to come on here and say that very few people are independent at 21 and maybe you should let him find his path first... However having read your post and seeing your situation it definitely sounds like he should contribute! He is earning more and you're in rented accommodation so it definitely makes sense to split the bills!

RainbowWaffles · 16/01/2019 03:23

user139328237

I cannot fathom the argument that the child with a full time job and income should absolutely be treated the same way as the student with limited means. It makes no sense whatsoever. Of course those in education should be supported, even the CMA makers this distinction.

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 16/01/2019 03:29

Yes he should be paying rent, if nothing else it will teach him about life to come. But he should also care about you and how you are managing. Lay out all the bills and your income and be honest with him. You daughter is separate as she is studying

kateandme · 16/01/2019 03:45

i understand how it is unfair to you.totally onboard with that.
but I do feel for him being treated differently to his sister as it seems something more there than just supporting her as she is in uni.there could be more his dad couldshould be doing even if not huge monetary values which it looks like its not and that must sting and therefore cause him to be nobbish.again this isn't fair on you struggling though.
sorry no advice.crap advice.

malificent7 · 16/01/2019 04:23

Girls doing useless degrees and 'whimsical years abroad?' Really?
My whimsical year abroad consisted of teavhing in developing countries. Not sure how studying is avoiding real life either.
What sexist rubbish.

jessstan2 · 16/01/2019 04:29

I think your son should pay something, a contribution towards the bills would be a start.

Mayrhofen · 16/01/2019 04:53

user139328237

And in MY experience, that is absolutely NOT true.

DS and friends, with the exception of one, have unrelated careers to degree and 60% travelled

DD and friends, 100% of them, have careers related to their degree and none had time to travel.