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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

re 21 year son in full time job living at home resenting giving his keep

152 replies

tigtink6 · 15/01/2019 22:59

Anyone else with this problem?
just getting divorced- now renting- i cannot afford to buy a house.
rent is expensive- daughter in uni - which her Dad is supporting as he earns alot more than me.She is in digs and comes home one day a week to stay at my house.
My son has not paid keep since we moved to the new home - he also earns more than me by £100 a month. He pays his own car , phone and insists if he pays his own food, thats ok-he is a bodybuilder-and has great job at a nutrition company-

He resents his Dad paying for my daughter- she does have a student loan, she works and pays her food and travel etc.He also has no relationship with his Dad Long story . Father is odd and it has taken 5 years to seperate, i work full time in a demanding job, so its been a haul as i had to sell the house and pack up the move myself as well as arrange his Fathers stuff to be moved as he left it all to me to sort but took his full share of the house,

i am trying to be tactful but it is getting me down.
what should i do-? i have mentioned tonight we need to sit down and talk it through- with a list of the outgoings. i know my kids are upset at losing the family home- it was lovely rural location , now we are in a a not so great area- even the cats are not happy!

OP posts:
TheBigBangRocks · 16/01/2019 07:25

I'd be looking for a new job too, a 21 year old is right at the start of their career yet he earns more than you?

If he pays for his own food and car then what extra does it actually cost him to be at home. A little in utilities and council tax? You'd have the same rent regardless as you have your daughter home each week.

From his point of view, she's been subsidised to not work, can come come rent free each week etc. She's very clearly the favourite all round it would seem.

Troels · 16/01/2019 07:32

Nobody said life was fair, he needs to stump up the rent or move.
Dd may be getting support in Uni, but she will graduate witha nice fat loan payment hanging over her, and he will still be living with Mum and paying little with no loan hanging over him. She's just deferring her time to pay out.
I'd offer him to either pay up with no complaints or move out to a house share while you can rent his room to a ledger who pays even more. His choice. Don't go easy on him he's an adult and needs to act like one.

Troels · 16/01/2019 07:32

lodger not leger

HeyDuggee24 · 16/01/2019 07:39

Has your DD gone to uni at 18 and will therefore graduate at 21? At which point she will have to find work and either pay rent or keep to you?

If the above is the case, then effectively both children have had the same since DS hasnt needed to pay rent yet at 21.

Isleepinahedgefund · 16/01/2019 07:46

I’m not sure why so many people seem to think it’s OP’s responsibility that the kids’ father treats them differently. It isn’t the OP’s place to redress the balance by struggling to support another adult who has greater means than her. He still needs to pay his way, he’s really taking advantage. Or he can leave, and see how far his sob story gets him renting elsewhere!

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 16/01/2019 07:47

There are two options.

He pays for half and does half the housework

He's welcome to move to a smaller rental and you will as well so you can afford to live

It is a hard adjustment to go from your parents doing everything, to a more equal relationship but I don't think you've got a choice.

You could always suggest he tries a flat share for a couple of months and you'll keep his room for him and then review together,before he officially moves out. I think living on his own for a bit might open his eyes to all the stuff you do for him

AhNowTed · 16/01/2019 07:49

My son is contributing £300 a month and I consider that a bargain.

Either he pays or moves out, it's as simple as that.

Petalflowers · 16/01/2019 07:53

When dd is 21 she will be having to fund her own lifestyle, so no difference at all.

Going through costs of living is a good way to approach it. On the Martin Lewis website there is a really good budget planner.

Mamia15 · 16/01/2019 07:54

Slama - you have the option of contacting the police. You are not stuck in this awful situation.

Loopytiles · 16/01/2019 07:55

Did you get a fair share of the marital assets? Doesn’t sound like it.

Explain to your son that as an adult earning more than you do, you need and expect him to contribute properly. If he doesn’t wish to do so he should move out. His feelings about his father and sister are a separate matter from housing, and for him to manage, with help from mental health services if necessary

MarthasGinYard · 16/01/2019 07:56

'Has your DD gone to uni at 18 and will therefore graduate at 21? At which point she will have to find work and either pay rent or keep to you?

If the above is the case, then effectively both children have had the same since DS hasnt needed to pay rent yet at 21.'

Quite

cakecakecheese · 16/01/2019 07:56

You have to insist he pays up or moves out otherwise you could end up with a 30 year old son living at home and contributing nothing!

My parents paid toward my university education, my sister didn't go to uni so she had to pay rent but if she had gone she would have had the same as me so his it's not fair argument is rubbish as it was his choice not to go.

Also please don't tell me you do all his washing etc?

QueenieIsLost · 16/01/2019 07:57

His sister is getting financial support from their DAD, not from the OP. So the ds has no leg to stand on to say he is ressentful and nit going to pay HIS MUM any money.
The ds has to learn that it’s not mum and dad together anymore. But mum does I gotta her own things and dad doing his own things. One parent doing xxx has no impact in what the other does.

Did your ds get support when he went to Uni too? I mean, atm, he IS getting support from the OP as he is paying nothing towards the cost of the house. Seeing he is full time and earn more than the OP.... that’s a bit rich to then complain that their dad is helping his dsis.

I think it’s time for a frank discussion about cost of living. If he has never lived in his own (which I suspect), he probably has no idea what it actually means. Instead, he is living in a teenage world where mum and/or dad is dealing with all the problems and he can do whatever he wants with his pocket money....

Gingerkittykat · 16/01/2019 07:57

@Slamadramafamalam

You need to get out of that situation, I can see exactly why you feel desperate enough to leave but it should be your daughters leaving and not you.

MissingGeorgeMichael · 16/01/2019 07:58

You sit him down and say he contributes or moves out. You have to be tough. Yes he will feel put out that his sister is being supported and he is not but that us tough.

Tell him: this is adult life buddy, you have to pay your way like everyone else!

Lovemusic33 · 16/01/2019 07:58

My parents divorced when I was 18, my mum kicked me out as the house needed to be sold and she couldn’t afford to rent somewhere big enough to house me, I was paying rent but also had a good job, my brother wasn’t working so she rented a 2 bed and took my brother with her (I had to find somewhere to live).

Just tell him he either has to pay rent or move out so you can get a lodger who pays their way.

bruffin · 16/01/2019 08:01

If he is paying for his food , he is paying towards his keep.

RB68 · 16/01/2019 08:01

Fundamentally he is scrounging off someone on lower pay than he is, and why the hell should he at 21 get a free pass to live at yours. His sister - not sure how much help she is getting but she still has loans and a job as well so its not like she is "expecting" help and she is paying her rent to where she lives - its not free.

He is taking out his bitterness at his fathr on you - I wonder why he fell out with Dad!

longwayoff · 16/01/2019 08:02

TACTFUL!? Don' be tactful. Tell him.

UbbesPonytail · 16/01/2019 08:09

I actually think at 21 in a full time job he should be contributing half of all rent and bills and housework. At that age, you’re co-tenants. I bet he wants you to treat him like an adult - so treat him like one.

His younger sister is a red herring. This is an opportunity to help him gracefully start to understand adult responsibilities, learn budgeting etc.

Your quality of life is suffering here. My mum and dad are currently supporting my DSis and her family. The problem is, even though they’re 26 and 30, married with 2 kids etc, because mum won’t ask them to contribute, my sister hasn’t stopped thinking of herself as someone that needs to be parented and it’s caused a lot of anxiety in her about actually moving out. I know that’s a bit different but my point is getting him to understand how the dynamic of a parent-child relationship naturally changes once everyone is an adult is much healthier in the long run.

PlumpSyrianHamster · 16/01/2019 08:09

It is time to spread your career wings a bit OP ? flowers

WTAF?! She has zero obligation to get another damn job so she can enable her adult child. And I'm sure if she stayed at home with kids and was out of the work force for a while to bring up kids and is middle aged it'll be such a cinch just to get another job so her Manchild in Training can doss for free because 'It's so unfair!'

Life's not fair. Tough shit.

He doesn't get to insist the terms on which he lives in your home.

'Son, you need to pay your share of bills and rent or you need to move out.'

Slam, you are a victim of domestic violence and what your daughters are doing to you is a crime. You need to call the police when they assault you, lock them out and call the police when they kick off.

SaturdayNext · 16/01/2019 08:17

Point out that if he resents the fact that his Dad is paying for his sister, he needs to discuss that issue with his Dad, not expect you to make up the shortfall. Would I be right in thinking he has always lived at home, so his Dad was in fact supporting him until you split up? If he doesn't want to get his own place, tell him to go and live with your ex.

CantWaitToRetire · 16/01/2019 08:25

I'd make a full list of your outgoings, including your car, phone, food and then add rent, council tax, energy bills, water, broadband etc and give him the ultimatum that he either contributes to the extra expenses, or he looks for a house share elsewhere so that you can either take in a lodger or downsize.

Does he realise that when your DD graduates, she'll (hopefully) get a job and will then be contributing keep herself but she'll have the added constraint of paying off her student loan, so it will be worse for her.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 16/01/2019 08:39

He's got two choices - pay some keep or move out so that you can sub-let his room to a paying lodger.

He's an adult, and at age 21 old enough to learn that the world isn't fair, there are always going to be others who are better off or more fortunate than ourselves, and that we have zero entitlement to a free ride. Things cost money - that's a fact of life.

If he's truly content to watch his Mum struggle to pay the rent and bills, whilst working full time, earning more money than her and making no contribution, then he's really not a very nice person - is he?

People like this infuriate me. I had a PT job after school from 16 onwards, to help put food on the table because my parents were broke and my Mum had lost her job. I was able to work so I did. Presumably I should have refused on the basis that my younger sister wasn't legally able?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 16/01/2019 08:39

Your son may feel it is unfair but bloody hell, when is life as an adult ever fair?

THIS ^ - life has hardly been fair to you either has it? But you get on with it. Tell him he MUST contribute or he will have to leave (easy for me to say, I know, but he is needs to step up.

Or would he like to rent and you can move in with him. On the same terms he is enjoying....
Then ask him why he thinks he should live rent free when working...

Also THIS ^

tomorrow - your poor friend! I have to admit that in a situation like that I'd be tempted to change the locks and tell my son to go and live with his wonderful dad! I feel very angry on her behalf.

user139328237 - I have rarely read such a stupid post.