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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

re 21 year son in full time job living at home resenting giving his keep

152 replies

tigtink6 · 15/01/2019 22:59

Anyone else with this problem?
just getting divorced- now renting- i cannot afford to buy a house.
rent is expensive- daughter in uni - which her Dad is supporting as he earns alot more than me.She is in digs and comes home one day a week to stay at my house.
My son has not paid keep since we moved to the new home - he also earns more than me by £100 a month. He pays his own car , phone and insists if he pays his own food, thats ok-he is a bodybuilder-and has great job at a nutrition company-

He resents his Dad paying for my daughter- she does have a student loan, she works and pays her food and travel etc.He also has no relationship with his Dad Long story . Father is odd and it has taken 5 years to seperate, i work full time in a demanding job, so its been a haul as i had to sell the house and pack up the move myself as well as arrange his Fathers stuff to be moved as he left it all to me to sort but took his full share of the house,

i am trying to be tactful but it is getting me down.
what should i do-? i have mentioned tonight we need to sit down and talk it through- with a list of the outgoings. i know my kids are upset at losing the family home- it was lovely rural location , now we are in a a not so great area- even the cats are not happy!

OP posts:
ReaganSomerset · 16/01/2019 08:43

I'd nip this in the bud, OP. Every month you support him now is another month your DD can expect support after uni - most don't finish and then move straight into their own accommodation. Most go back home.

Tell both of them that the deal is you will pay/have paid for them to live at home until they are 21. If you support your son until 25, his sister will expect the same when she graduates.

My parent's line was, 'we will support you as long as you are in full time education'.

ReaganSomerset · 16/01/2019 08:44

@Slamadramafamalam

You need to get help for this. Contact the police. Could you end your tenancy yourself and then move to a 1 bed?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 16/01/2019 08:47

Slamadrama

Your post is shocking! No-one should live in fear of their children as you are.

Please start your own thread, so that you can get some targeted advice.

Flowers
Seeline · 16/01/2019 08:50

I had to pay rent to my parents during hte holidays when I was at uni. My Mum was of hte view I would have to pay for everything if I was still there, so I might as well give her the money when I was at home. Food etc I could understand, but I still had to pay rent on my accommodation, during hte holidays - including a retainer over the summer. This was in the dark ages when grants existed, but I only got hte basis grant, and they were only intended to last the September - June teaching year, not the Summer holiday.

As soon as I started work, I paid a much larger amount.

Show him some local rentals/room shares and say he can either move out or pay you.

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 16/01/2019 09:00

If I wasn't in education I was expected to pay towards keep, my gap year I worked 2 part time jobs and we arranged an amount which meant I could still save and have a social life (didn't drive though). When I came back home from uni and into full time work I had to pay keep too.

Faultymain5 · 16/01/2019 09:04

If he is paying for his food , he is paying towards his keep.

The OP didn't say he was paying for his own food, just that the DS suggests if he does that's okay.

However, food does not cover council tax (it would be reduced if he wasn't there), heating (that would be less if he wasn't there), water (if there is a water meter, that would be less if he wasn't there)

Each time he waltzes in without paying he costs his mother (the woman who raised him) financially.

OP did you instigate the divorce, could he be punishing you for something?

RoseMartha · 16/01/2019 09:26

He needs to pay some money towards the bills. He lives there too. I would suggest if he does not pay something even if it is £30 a week, he moves out. He will see from looking at rentals that it is all more expensive to live than that.

If he moved out you might be better off in a smaller rented property.

ErickBroch · 16/01/2019 10:13

It's funny because if he had to move out he would still be paying for all of those things (car, phone, food) as well as a minimum of £450pm on rent!! So what would he prefer? Ridiculous.

Also, my dad gave me a small amount of money a week at Uni which was a lifesaver. I think people massively overestimate what a student loan covers, mine only covered my bloody rent. That money probably helps her buy food.

user139328237 · 16/01/2019 12:22

I think some people completely underestimate how much income some students can have (certainly more than a full time minimum wage job before considering any parental contributions).

ReaganSomerset · 16/01/2019 12:44

@user139328237 maybe some students. My sister's self-catered accommodation in uni halls cost the same amount as she got from her student loan for living expenses. Without parental support she wouldn't have been able to eat.

greendale17 · 16/01/2019 12:52

I cannot fathom the argument that the child with a full time job and income should absolutely be treated the same way as the student with limited means. It makes no sense whatsoever.

^Completelt agree

Yearinyearout · 16/01/2019 12:52

In your situation I would be telling him he can either pay the going rate for the room or you will be renting it out to someone else. A room in a shared house including bills (no food included) would be anything from £350-800 a month, depending where you live. That's money you could be getting from a lodger to help pay the bills, and since he is working full time and earning more than you, he seriously needs to be paying his way. Have a look at www.spareroom.co.uk and see what the going rate is for your area, and show it to him. You can offer him a discount and say it's either that or he moves out.

MycatsaPirate · 16/01/2019 12:55

My DD is in her final year at uni and when once she gets her degree will come home again to live. She has already said she will pay £100 towards the household costs which is still cheaper than her uni digs.

I've always been very honest with my dc about the costs of living. I remember sitting DD1 down with a bank statement when she was about 13 after whining about not having something. And she really had no clue things cost so much. We also sat down together and worked out her annual income/outgoings before she went away so she could learn to budget properly. Her course prevents her working much due to placements but she works very long hours at McDonalds on breaks. She pays for her own car and has also been away on holiday the last two summers with friends.

It astonishes me that someone can get to the age of 21 without having a clue about the costs of running a home. Some people are married with a child at that age.

Yearinyearout · 16/01/2019 12:59

I just love how on MN posters will respond to people struggling with job earnings with "get a new job that pays more" like it's that simple 😂 I'm looking for a new job at the moment and it's a nightmare. Even though I have plenty of skills I don't have the qualifications on paper to back them up, and all I seem to be left with is a selection of supermarket jobs that pay less than I earn now. It's really not easy, especially in middle age.

Bluelady · 16/01/2019 13:08

Kick him out and get a lodger, OP. Freeloading from your parents when you're a wage earning adult is taking the piss.

ErickBroch · 16/01/2019 15:15

user139328237 not sure who you know, I went to uni in 2011 and my loan and grant AND bursary (due to such low family income) was not enough for me to live on at all. I would have had to drop out without help, AND I worked.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/01/2019 15:21

He earns more than you but won't pay his keep?

Entitled, selfish little shit.

Simple, give him 2 choices:

He pays his keep. Or he moves out.

End of.

MumW · 16/01/2019 15:34

University is a choice and to be honest many girls (and in my experience it does tend to be girls) go and study something that is of next to no use or relevance for what they want to do afterwards and often manage to extend the course even further by taking whimsical years abroad'

What a sweeping sexist generalisation! Shock

DD1 BSc Computer Science
DD2 maths, physics and chemistry A'Levels wants to do maths at uni.
Me, Bsc Computer Science
DSis BSc Chemistry
FIL BA Ancient History
DM Nurse

WalnutToast · 16/01/2019 15:47

@user139328237

University is a choice and to be honest many girls (and in my experience it does tend to be girls) go and study something that is of next to no use or relevance for what they want to do afterwards

On the contrary, the evidence shows that degrees boost women's salaries, regardless of subject, and far more than they do for men:

"women are much more likely to gain from getting a degree.

Women with a degree earn on average 28% more than non-graduate women."
www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-46345527

Suggests that girls do know what they are doing in choosing their degrees.

1Regret · 16/01/2019 16:58

Those of you who suggest the OP kicks him out and gets a lodger are missing the point that having a lodger is a completely different ball game to having your son living in the house.

Equally, if the OP wishes to charge her son rent, as she would a lodger, then she should be prepared to afford him all the courtesies she would afford a lodger, i.e., no questions or opinions on his private life, a lock on his door, his own personal shelf in the fridge etc etc.

It works both ways.

PlumpSyrianHamster · 16/01/2019 17:36

I just love how on MN posters will respond to people struggling with job earnings with "get a new job that pays more" like it's that simple 😂 I'm looking for a new job at the moment and it's a nightmare. Even though I have plenty of skills I don't have the qualifications on paper to back them up, and all I seem to be left with is a selection of supermarket jobs that pay less than I earn now. It's really not easy, especially in middle age.

This! Especially to enable a FT working adult to live rent-free because his father's a douchebag and life is unfair. She may also like her job and it's enough to support her but not other adult, or have health conditions or restrictions that preclude her from getting other work, or have to hang onto her job for pension reasons, or changing jobs could result in higher expenses (say, for commuting or clothing required for the part), she may live in an area where FT PAYE employment is hard to come by so needs to stick with this. All kinds of reasons.

At any rate, she earns enough to support herself, earns her own keep and has adult children who will need to be more responsible for themselves and their keep. That's life for a lot of people! Without him there she can rent a smaller flat and save on costs and she also needs to see to her pension. She's renting, so telling her to take a lodger is pointless as I can't think of a single private tenancy that allows for forms of subletting like this.

OP, you're going to have to leave off being tactful because you do need to look after yourself and your pension. 'It's not enough to just pay for your food. I cannot afford to keep you. You'll need to pay X or move out so I can rent a smaller place.'

And mean it. 'I realise it's hard on you and your dad is playing favourites, but I'm doing the best I can and I cannot afford to pay your keep.'

MissingGeorgeMichael · 16/01/2019 18:06

Equally, if the OP wishes to charge her son rent, as she would a lodger, then she should be prepared to afford him all the courtesies she would afford a lodger

Confused Not the same thing in any way, shape or form.

SilverySurfer · 16/01/2019 18:07

I think the time for tact has passed. He either pays his keep or he finds alternative accommodation. If he intends to pay for his own food, that will obviously lessen the amount he pays but he should pay enough to cover council tax and contribute towards utilities. If he moans about his sister getting help from their DF tell him to talk to his DF, nothing to do with you.

Slamadrama your post is completely shocking. I agree that if you rent you should give notice when you are able and find yourself a one bed flat. I personally wouldn't tell your DDs your new location. They sound horrendous.

RandomMess · 16/01/2019 18:11

Presumably Dad is legally expected to support his DD at uni??

1Regret · 16/01/2019 18:37

Missing, I actually think it is. Take as an example, a person paying the same rent to their parent as they would to another landlord. Except that when they come in late, or go out without saying how long they'll be or where they're going, the parent gets angry and a row ensues, but the landlord has no interest in the matter whatsoever.

Where would you choose to live?