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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

re 21 year son in full time job living at home resenting giving his keep

152 replies

tigtink6 · 15/01/2019 22:59

Anyone else with this problem?
just getting divorced- now renting- i cannot afford to buy a house.
rent is expensive- daughter in uni - which her Dad is supporting as he earns alot more than me.She is in digs and comes home one day a week to stay at my house.
My son has not paid keep since we moved to the new home - he also earns more than me by £100 a month. He pays his own car , phone and insists if he pays his own food, thats ok-he is a bodybuilder-and has great job at a nutrition company-

He resents his Dad paying for my daughter- she does have a student loan, she works and pays her food and travel etc.He also has no relationship with his Dad Long story . Father is odd and it has taken 5 years to seperate, i work full time in a demanding job, so its been a haul as i had to sell the house and pack up the move myself as well as arrange his Fathers stuff to be moved as he left it all to me to sort but took his full share of the house,

i am trying to be tactful but it is getting me down.
what should i do-? i have mentioned tonight we need to sit down and talk it through- with a list of the outgoings. i know my kids are upset at losing the family home- it was lovely rural location , now we are in a a not so great area- even the cats are not happy!

OP posts:
Kaykay06 · 17/01/2019 18:06

I’m just about to go through this with my 17 year old who has a job earning £1100 a month which is more than I earn! We have agreed (I hope) £175 but I think he’s forgotten he needs train fare to get to his job but he’s a nice kid so I’ll be telling him to look at rents etc locally, price of food/electric etc. I’m a single mother of 4 so will be down some money with him leaving school etc, am so proud of him getting a decent job at 17 though. Hopefully he’ll manage to save as well as spend.

Rudgie47 · 17/01/2019 18:11

Hes shafting you OP, tell him he pays X or moves out and that you don't want his girlfriend coming to live with you. I'm telling you now what will happen, you'll be supporting both of them.

He needs telling OP, hes scrounging off you.

Katherine2626 · 17/01/2019 18:19

Divorce is painful for everyone, but you are trying to pay the bills, face forward and keep going, and if he can't do the same then it's time harsh reality entered his life. Food costs money, utilities cost money, and there is no reason why you should subsidise him. You are not doing him any favours in truth - and the longer this goes on the harder it will get. sit him down and tell him what you need him to contribute and if he doesn't then he needs to find somewhere else to live.

Rudgie47 · 17/01/2019 18:23

How old is he? if hes 16 or something I can see how he wouldn't understand but if hes a man in hes 20s then he will understand unless he has a learning disability or something like that.

Rudgie47 · 17/01/2019 18:24

O yes sorry I see hes 21.
Its not complicated at all OP,pay or get out, that's all you need to say.

Beaverhausen · 17/01/2019 18:30

For me personally unless he was prepared took pay half the rent I would give him 30 day notice to find somewhere else to move too. Find myself a nice 1 bedroom flat and not have to stress too much about money.

Exhsuatedmuch · 17/01/2019 18:38

He's having a tantrum basically as he's been hurt by his dad and feels someone has to pay for that.... Ie you. Life will always be unfair and a bit shit to be honest so he may as well get used to it and find a way through. Divorce or sister or fair or not fair doesn't really come into it. Life is costly and needs working for and paying for and as an adult he must step up and do so. My son had a choice to leave college for a full time job and pay keep or stay at college and keep his part time pay to himself. He decided to take the full time job and pay keep. He pays me and his dad £350 a month. He believes this is fair as all his bills are paid and his washing is done for him, meals are cooked and he has access to everything he needs. Some of his friends pay nothing and claim he's a twat for paying. His answer is " no you're treating your mum like a twat". Maybe I got lucky with my eldest two as both paid keep when they worked but then again they were always bought up with the knowledge that this would happen. My husband on the other hand was a spoilt mummies boy who came to me green as hell about bills and how he wage wasn't his own to puss down the drain. He laughs now when he recalls seeing the council tax bill for over a grand and asking how many years that was for lol.... That's why like me he was determined our kids would learn early on..

You need to discuss it with him and break it down into what he would pay to live alone. But for me it's a sign of respect to want to pay your way at home.
Good luck xx

pinkpantherpink · 17/01/2019 19:01

@user139328237 you're a peach

OP. I started work at 18. Paid my mum a third of my wage from day one. Tended to buy my own food etc. He is being unreasonable.

Halo84 · 17/01/2019 19:10

I have two gone, one at home. My 21 year old son is in university but has a part time job and moved out although we had no issues with him being here.

I think you should allow your son to live rent free UNLESS the girlfriend moves in. If she does, then they pay 2/3 of all house expenses.

The reason I would allow him to live with me otherwise is because, long term, you want a relationship with him. He eventually will go out on his own.

Yearinyearout · 17/01/2019 19:58

Halo84 why on earth should she let him live rent free when he earns more than she does? On what planet is that fair?

Larrythecat · 17/01/2019 20:03

Halo, that would send the message that his girlfriend is not welcome, since the difference from having the gf there or not having her is either pay 2/3 of costs or nothing.
He earns more than his mum, it's only fair he pays towards the costs

Touchmybum · 17/01/2019 20:23

Hang on a second - your son already has a degree? So he was presumably supported through uni too?

No way on god's earth should you let him move his gf in too! Let the two of them find their own place.

Touchmybum · 17/01/2019 20:24

Oh and user139328237 - what arrant crap!!

JenLaBe · 17/01/2019 21:03

Hmmm...
Tough one.

If all of this is recent maybe give him notice that it will take effect at a decided together date later on?

He should definitely pay some kind of money but I am just wondering... if he lost his house (like you did) and has no father good relationship and sees difference with his sister... maybe to let him be a kid at home a bit more could help if sustainable on your side?

Maybe it isn’t not paying that he doesn’t want but remain in the child posture? Who wouldn’t want that when times are rough...

But again if not sustainable...

Let us know :)

Hyggebernati0n · 17/01/2019 21:19

I don't see how your DS can assume that his girlfriend can move in without even asking you or discussing. I assume when you lived with your ex husband, you had 2 wages coming into the household. I would ask your son for some rent and explain about the costs of living. Or let him live there rent free for 6 month/ year until he has saved enough to rent his own place with his girlfriend. If the girlfriend stays, there definitely needs to be a monetary contribution.

Halo84 · 17/01/2019 22:39

Her sister n may earn more, but he’s young and establishing himself in life.

Personally I would not jeopardize my relationship with my son for a few thousand pounds annually, particularly if his sister is getting help. I would draw the line at letting the girlfriend move in, though.

Halo84 · 17/01/2019 22:39

Oops-I meant the son may earn more.

mummmy2017 · 17/01/2019 22:43

Halo if your whole pay went on keeping house and bills paid and you had £50 a month left!
Your DS pays his food and phone then has £750 a month left.... Would you be happy about it.

Original poster
tigtink6 · 17/01/2019 23:09

Thanks again everyone,we are going to have a sit down and I have told him what he has proposed is not enough .
His older cousin by a few years who he is close to, is going to give him a pep talk, she works and has a mortgage of her own .

Divorce court papers arrived another hurdle but light at the end of the tunnel. Told my son i have to pay court costs -keep you posted on the outcome!

OP posts:
cstaff · 17/01/2019 23:11

Hey OP let us know how you got on with this chat you have with your son. Hopefully it works out in your favour.

Fowles94 · 18/01/2019 07:46

Serve him his notice, he should of been paying keep already even if you saved it to put towards a house for him. He's more than an adult now.

MissingGeorgeMichael · 18/01/2019 10:30

Good luck OP Flowers

keffie12 · 18/01/2019 16:36

Write up all the utility bills and what they cost. Sit him down and show them to him. Tell him you don't earn what his Dad did and he earns more than you. He will have no idea how much utility bills cost. If he still doesn't like it, give him a date to leave by and pay his own bills.

He needs to understand he is not a child anymore. Life isn't fair for you either. That he is not the only person who is suffering from his parents splitting up and he is not terminally unique.

I would also do him a list and a rough cost of what he will have to pay in his own place. You need to be firm with him. It's the one thing that our youngsters have never argued over and that's paying their share of the bills when they lived at home.

I still have one at home, who when my husband passed away last year unexpectedly put his lodge up as he knew I would have less money to live on. They were all bought up knowing about the value of money and it is very important your son learns now

Doingmybestmum · 18/01/2019 16:52

I agree with Keffie12. Not enough of us are willing to share our real financial situation with our partners, let alone kids (even if they are adults). Print off your bank statements from the last 3 months and show him the reality? You’ve had a tough time but you are obviously a very caring mum x

AvadaKedavra1 · 19/01/2019 00:18

You say he has a degree, was he supported by you or his farther during his studies?

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