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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

re 21 year son in full time job living at home resenting giving his keep

152 replies

tigtink6 · 15/01/2019 22:59

Anyone else with this problem?
just getting divorced- now renting- i cannot afford to buy a house.
rent is expensive- daughter in uni - which her Dad is supporting as he earns alot more than me.She is in digs and comes home one day a week to stay at my house.
My son has not paid keep since we moved to the new home - he also earns more than me by £100 a month. He pays his own car , phone and insists if he pays his own food, thats ok-he is a bodybuilder-and has great job at a nutrition company-

He resents his Dad paying for my daughter- she does have a student loan, she works and pays her food and travel etc.He also has no relationship with his Dad Long story . Father is odd and it has taken 5 years to seperate, i work full time in a demanding job, so its been a haul as i had to sell the house and pack up the move myself as well as arrange his Fathers stuff to be moved as he left it all to me to sort but took his full share of the house,

i am trying to be tactful but it is getting me down.
what should i do-? i have mentioned tonight we need to sit down and talk it through- with a list of the outgoings. i know my kids are upset at losing the family home- it was lovely rural location , now we are in a a not so great area- even the cats are not happy!

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 16/01/2019 04:58

Have you had an honest sit down about bills and making ends meet? You got a 2 bed place for him but it’s unsustainable. Either he pays toward the monthly rent or you will have to downsize. Is he on the tenancy agreement? Offer to sign it over to him so you can do this.

Explain to your ds his argument regarding his sister makes about as much sense as you getting pissed off with your ex for not giving you child support when you’re still supporting him. You aren’t getting child support because he is an adult. As he’s an adult he needs to contribute. If he’s unhappy that he needs to address the money his sister is getting with his father. Not you as your finances and those of your ex are no longer linked.

AgentJohnson · 16/01/2019 06:00

Dont get sucked in by the ‘it’s not fair’ whinge. He’s an adult and not a child and why should you subsidise him at your expense. The fact that he thinks you should pay more while you earn less says it all.

You do him no favours by subsidising him because he has learn (by experience) that that doesn’t happen in the real world.

flumpybear · 16/01/2019 06:08

He made a good effort then if he did everything else ok 👍

Soontobe60 · 16/01/2019 06:19

Is this man child his fathers son? You are the parent, you are in control. It has been suggested that you work out what would cost you to rent a house with one less bedroom than you currently have. The difference should be what you charge him for his room. On top of that should be a proportion of the bills, i.e. Water, gas, electricity, council tax, to license, insurance, phone line, internet connection. Also a contribution to other household costs such as washing powder, shampoo, soap, loo roll.
Do not be apologetic with him, he's not a child. If he doesn't like it, then he can get his own place!

tillytrotter1 · 16/01/2019 06:24

dad is a no hoper

No he isn't, he's supporting his child in full time education, he doesn't have to support his idle adult son who can pay for what he wants to pay for but not what he needs. The mother is enabling the son by tacitly condoning his idleness.

JonSlow · 16/01/2019 06:26

Perhaps it’s time for you to look for a new job too - if your 21 is earning more than your full time demanding job...

Grannyannex · 16/01/2019 06:30

Tell him it’s not personal. If he was a student you’d need to find a way to support him. If she had a job and was living with you she’d have to pay.

gamerwidow · 16/01/2019 06:33

JonSlow
I’m sure if the OP could get a higher paying job she would. It if possible to work very hard and be paid little, care work for example. Pay isn’t always a measure of how demanding or worthwhile a job is.
I don’t think changing her job because her son won’t pay his way is the answer here.

Slamadramafamalam · 16/01/2019 06:49

I charge my earning adult daughters £25 per week and they hate it, resent it, claim that it is too much, costs less than that to live here, I'm profiting from them, no one else has to pay their mum to live in their house! £25 per week is just a token amount in order to try and show them that as adults there are bills to pay. Sometimes they buy their own food, sometimes I cook for all of us. I can't see them ever leaving and the rest of my life is to be spent being treated like shit by them, hit while I'm giving them lifts [VERY BLOODY DANGEROUS] and wishing I could escape.

Slamadramafamalam · 16/01/2019 06:52

The replies here telling the OP to do this, do that, well obviously you've never been in a position where you tell an adult a thing and they say 'fuck you, I'll do what I want and there's nothing you can do about it', in that situation you have to do what the bloody offspring wants or you get a black eye or locked out or a bucket of water poured on your bed.

AnyFucker · 16/01/2019 06:54

He should be paying his way
The End.

Slamadramafamalam · 16/01/2019 06:54

I'm considering transferring the tenancy to my daughters and living in my car it's so unbearable.

WatchingFromTheWings · 16/01/2019 06:59

I'd be telling him he pays his way or you'll be downsizing to a property with one less bedroom that you CAN afford on your own!

cushioncuddle · 16/01/2019 07:00

The amount a lot of parents take off their children for board is usually round the £100 a month mark. The parents still do the weekly food shop and the child eats that food.
If you in that camp then your S buying his own food is no different to him giving you £100 and you providing the food.
You can still ask him for rent but there is the line between what your D gets and what he doesn't. I agree they have gone down different paths but it needs to be dealt with carefully. Our D has moved out and our S is in uni still. I feel he is getting a lot more financial support than my D and I am quite mindful of that. I find it a very difficult balance.

AnyFucker · 16/01/2019 07:02

Slam that is terrible and obviously a very different and serious situation. You are being assaulted. You must report this to the police.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 16/01/2019 07:02

It’s worth researching how much a 1 bed versus a rented room would cost to back up argument

I think tact is needed here as he is clearly hurting that this his sister gets help and he doesn’t

But you are suffering too

Good luck OP

jeanne16 · 16/01/2019 07:03

Slamadrama. That sounds dreadful and you have my sympathy. I don’t think you can continue as you are. If it is as bad as you say, I would consider changing the locks when they are out. You need to look after yourself now.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 16/01/2019 07:04

Perhaps it’s time for you to look for a new job too - if your 21 is earning more than your full time demanding job...

And this too . It is time to spread your career wings a bit OP ? Flowers

Romanov · 16/01/2019 07:05

Fucking hell

@Slamadramafamalam

I charge my earning adult daughters £25 per week and they hate it, resent it, claim that it is too much, costs less than that to live here, I'm profiting from them, no one else has to pay their mum to live in their house! £25 per week is just a token amount in order to try and show them that as adults there are bills to pay. Sometimes they buy their own food, sometimes I cook for all of us. I can't see them ever leaving and the rest of my life is to be spent being treated like shit by them, hit while I'm giving them lifts [VERY BLOODY DANGEROUS] and wishing I could escape

You need to post your own thread, and what I mean by that, is so you get the support you need

How has this happened?
Are.you able to move.to a tenancy with 1 bedroom so they can't come with.you?

whiskeysourpuss · 16/01/2019 07:12

Of course those in education should be supported, even the CMA makers this distinction.

Not at Uni level they don't at that stage the NRP's obligation to pay stops - the RP is still expected to support the child though Hmm

OP he needs to pay his share. Work out what half of the household bills are as a starting point. Print out a spreadsheet & show him in black & white how much you are subsidising his lifestyle. Get some flat share/one bed flats to rent ads & show him how much he could be paying if he wasn't living with you.

londonrach · 16/01/2019 07:13

Simple he pays rent or moves out.

anniehm · 16/01/2019 07:18

Once you earn £1000 a month you pay rent is our rule. You keep the first £200 a week (after tax, ni, pension and travel) then you pay rent - £100 a week in our case. Nobody expects a kid in an apprenticeship or minimum wage to pay full rent but at 21 with a good job they should pay.

Ethel36 · 16/01/2019 07:21

He has to pay his own way. It's a right of passage. Sit down with him and show him all your out goings. He needs to learn how to behave like a decent adult. Otherwise he 'll get a girlfriend and refuse to pay rent there too! He increase your council tax, uses your heat, water and lighting. Yes charge him what you think is fair. If he refuses, tell him to move out in a months time.

YouTheCat · 16/01/2019 07:22

My dd is in her first job post-uni and pays me £300 a month. He needs to pay his way or find out how much worse off he'd be renting on his own.

recently · 16/01/2019 07:23

I would tell him you're thinking of moving to a smaller place as you can't afford the rent - might make him realise!

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