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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

re 21 year son in full time job living at home resenting giving his keep

152 replies

tigtink6 · 15/01/2019 22:59

Anyone else with this problem?
just getting divorced- now renting- i cannot afford to buy a house.
rent is expensive- daughter in uni - which her Dad is supporting as he earns alot more than me.She is in digs and comes home one day a week to stay at my house.
My son has not paid keep since we moved to the new home - he also earns more than me by £100 a month. He pays his own car , phone and insists if he pays his own food, thats ok-he is a bodybuilder-and has great job at a nutrition company-

He resents his Dad paying for my daughter- she does have a student loan, she works and pays her food and travel etc.He also has no relationship with his Dad Long story . Father is odd and it has taken 5 years to seperate, i work full time in a demanding job, so its been a haul as i had to sell the house and pack up the move myself as well as arrange his Fathers stuff to be moved as he left it all to me to sort but took his full share of the house,

i am trying to be tactful but it is getting me down.
what should i do-? i have mentioned tonight we need to sit down and talk it through- with a list of the outgoings. i know my kids are upset at losing the family home- it was lovely rural location , now we are in a a not so great area- even the cats are not happy!

OP posts:
Original poster
tigtink6 · 16/01/2019 22:13

thanks for all the response, not easy solution - yes he earns more should pay something for his rent, i aggree, but a big but! His Dad does favour the daughter, she does work by the way in a bar. However i am 54 , work full time now , no pension ,well just joined the nhs one ( i worked in my ex business till 2012) have some money but not enough to buy a home. Will have to rent and have lost my home the kids grew up in, Ex had big debts- and divorce going through now 50 50 split on assets- though not much left, he will inherit 250k from his Dad who is in his 90 plus at some point in the future. i get nothing after 25 years together, So my son is angry and i understand it but i have told him we need to talk. thanks for all the messages - it has hepled me re think things form different views.

OP posts:
Original poster
tigtink6 · 16/01/2019 22:43

Also as to getting a better job, i joined the nhs ages 47 as a csw on wards, then got a second job on secondment as a clinical improvement practioner , then worked in a&e for 2 years as a supplies coordinator now i am a Materials Manager , but my son has a degree so earns more than me .i am trying to improve my prospects!! never expected to have to- as divorce etc has taken years,

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 16/01/2019 22:45

OK, I get it. He wants proof of YOUR love, because his dad favours his sister.

And he is also angry at his dad for making him in be in the position where he needs to pay YOU rent because his dad screwed it all over.

At some level I am sure he recognises that this is selfish and unfair, to take it out on you when it is not your fault, but he still needs to grow up and look at the real world, alas.

Perhaps you could acknowledge his (hidden) emotions but still stand firm on practicalities. That you understand it feels unfair but if he wants to live with you he needs to pay a decent contribution to rent and bills. Or you will need to rent somewhere smaller or get a roommate/lodger. Because if he doesn't contribute it is extremely unfair on you.

Flowers
AlexanderHamilton · 16/01/2019 22:53

Dd is away at college. She lives as a lodger with a family and pays £130 per week which includes breakfast and evening meal & laundry. She has to adhere to simple house rules.

We will support both of our children whilst in full time education but I would have no qualms charging her a similar amount to live at home if she were working full time.

Original poster
tigtink6 · 16/01/2019 23:14

i think he does feel a bit guilty- he is not a bad son, alot has happened the past few months , big house move etc. i need to be stronger now and firmer - i used to be- i have told him i need to sit down with him with all the outgoing and he has agreed- he wants his girlfriend to move in soon and i have said tonight this needs to be sorted first!!!

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 16/01/2019 23:59

he wants his girlfriend to move in soon and i have said tonight this needs to be sorted first!!!

Great. Then I suggest that he and his girlfriend take over the tenancy, as the higher earners, and you sub-let off them for the cost of your groceries...

AnyFucker · 17/01/2019 00:45

Brilliant. Is his girlfriend to live rent free too ?

Come on love, this is is ridiculous isn't it ?

SaturdayNext · 17/01/2019 01:02

Your son is angry that you've been shafted financially by his father, so his solution is to shaft you some more? How does that work?

TenForward82 · 17/01/2019 06:57

Please don't tell me you do his washing and his dishes.

MissingGeorgeMichael · 17/01/2019 07:03

Missing, I actually think it is. Take as an example, a person paying the same rent to their parent as they would to another landlord. Except that when they come in late, or go out without saying how long they'll be or where they're going, the parent gets angry and a row ensues, but the landlord has no interest in the matter whatsoever.

Where would you choose to live?

With my parents. In this case helping his Mum with the cost of living and paying his own way. He'd soon have a fright if he moved out. No one to cook for him, keep the place clean, do his washing and all the other things that come along with being an adult and renting.

As soon as I got a job I had to start contributing to the household. I always knew I'd have to so it wasn't a shock and it was the right thing to do.

Loopytiles · 17/01/2019 07:42

Your ex favouring your daughter is shit for your son (and actually for her too), but not relevant to your son contributing fairly to housing costs.

DS and his gf have the option of getting a rental contract. If they can’t afford that they can’t afford to live together. Subsidising your DS as you’ve done is one thing, subsidising a third party something else. And does your tenancy even allow subtenants?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 17/01/2019 07:50

he wants his girlfriend to move in soon and i have said tonight this needs to be sorted first!!!

Woah! Make sure it is YOU who makes that decision.

After your chat I hope he sees more sense and starts to appreciate he has to act like a grown up, that you cannot continue to prop him up financially. Tell him plainly that every penny you spend on him now will be a penny you don't have to pay when you can no longer work. Don't sugar coat it.

Then you can have a sensible discussion about him moving his GF in and them paying 2/3 of ALL household costs! You cannot continue to subsidise ANY part of his life. What his father chooses to do is none of your business, you cannot 'make up for it' as you simply can't afford to.

If your son doesn't see that then he MUST make another decision. He MUST do what we all have to do when we grow up!

Then you can set about sorting out your life within your means, making you happy.

SwimmingInMuslins · 17/01/2019 08:02

Tactful?

"Pay your way or get out my house." Is about as tactful as I would get with someone who thought they could live with me rent free.

PlumpSyrianHamster · 17/01/2019 08:06

he wants his girlfriend to move in soon and i have said tonight this needs to be sorted first!!!

Give your head a wobble. Actually, give it a whack. He wants this, he doesn't want that, he thinks it's unfair, he, he, he, he. YOU are the tenant here. It is your home. YOU are the rent payer. You need to stop with this guilt because his dad's a twat and therefore allowing him to walk all over you. He's an adult now. He works FT. He wants to move his girlfriend in and he doesn't want to fucking pay rent?

Fuck being tactful.

'If you want to live with your girlfriend you two need to get your own place.'

Bet you London to a brick you're doing all the housework, laundry, etc.

Give over. He's taking the piss.

And you are letting him.

Ifangyow · 17/01/2019 08:52

I had this with mine when they started working.
As I said to them, you show me where I can live in a nice warm house with all the bills paid, all my food and toiletries bought and a taxi service for a tenner a week cos me and your dad want to bloody move in.
They shut up and paid up. Grin
Now they're married with young families of their own, they're constantly moaning about the cost of it all.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 17/01/2019 09:02

What PlumpSyrianHamster said (great username BTW!)

ReaganSomerset · 17/01/2019 09:19

Maybe his gf would prefer they get their own place? Has he asked her?

AlexanderHamilton · 17/01/2019 10:00

Take as an example, a person paying the same rent to their parent as they would to another landlord. Except that when they come in late, or go out without saying how long they'll be or where they're going, the parent gets angry and a row ensues, but the landlord has no interest in the matter whatsoever.

From experience that is not the case. Many landlords with live in lodgers (there is an important legal distinction when it comes to rights between a live out and a live in landlord) set "house rules for their tenants which may include the house being locked up at a certain time and keeping certain areas (bathroom/kitchen etc) tidy.

PurpleTrilby · 17/01/2019 10:36

I appreciate there's a lot of baggage for you son, but I'm in the 'life's not fair for adults' camp with this one. He needs to understand how much he would pay if not living with you, for not only rent, but council tax, leccy, any gas supply, water bills, internet, tv licence, car, fixing things or contacting the landlord when things break, taking time off work to let builders or whatever in, etc etc etc. Not only that, but he has the luxury of not even dealing with the admin and bills (apart from the car by the sound of it), so he's getting PA work out of you doing this as well as everything else. Best of luck, but do put your foot down.

jessstan2 · 17/01/2019 11:42

It is a difficult situation, op, especially as his dad seems to favour his sister but that won't be forever.

If he wants girlfriend to move in you have to ask for some money.

Asian families seem to have this worked out better than we do, kids when earning a decent amount but still live at home (they usually have bigger houses, don't have to share bathroom and can entertain friends in own living room), pay a share of the bills rather than fixed rent. That works out well bec'os' they have enough to save for own place. I would go with that but your situation is different.

Girlfriend moving in gives a different dynamic and they cannot expect to live completely free so a contribution from both would be expected. Do speak to them about it, it won't 'rip them off' and is fair as you are not a rich person. They'll still be better off than renting somewhere on their own. These are grown up people!

I hope you can work it out but frank talk around the table is needed. I accept none of the people involved are awful and they probably want to do what is right, will appreciate the 'breaks' they've been given. None of this is an insurmountable problem.

Good luck Flowers & Wine.

dianna1808 · 17/01/2019 17:36

Suggest he might want to find another place to live. That might help him to understand why you are asking for money. There comes a time when we have to behave like adults. He sounds a bit retarded in his development.

angelfacecuti75 · 17/01/2019 17:48

Tell son he can always move put and pay his own way somewhere else which is a lot more expensive or he can pay his way fir a lot less. No negotiation. No "oh but it's so unfair!" . He isn't a 2 year old. He's an adult. So he can make adult choices. End of discussion. Tough love.

Middersweekly · 17/01/2019 17:54

I was 17 when I moved out of home but prior to that I was working full time and living at home so I paid my mum £250 a month for upkeep (I earned around £800 a month after tax at the time so not a lot). My mum didn’t really need the money but her husband at the time demanded I pay as he contributed the bare minimum he could and was financially a total fuck up. I didn’t mind helping my mum out at all but I barely ate at home during the week and was out with friends most weekends so was hardly there! Your son earns more than you in wages so it’s only fair he pays for half of everything including the rent! If not suggest he should move out to a place of his own! He will soon get a shock when he discovered what a cushy number he had!

Larrythecat · 17/01/2019 17:56

Instead of sending an amount to you, I'd make him responsible for some outgoings. He could do all food shopping or pay any Internet/TV subscription you might have and electricity. Then you pay rent, water, etc? That might make him more aware of where the money goes and if he has to deal with a company and not with you, more likely to pay? In my opnion, groceries shopping is always the problematic one in these situations, as even if he buys his protein and whatever, he might not consider things such as deodorant, shower gel, fruit for the bowl, toilet paper, dishwasher tablets, washing powder, etc?

Annewilko4 · 17/01/2019 18:03

Who pays for your food, phone and car? Plus you also pay for other shopping, all the utilities and council tax. 50-50 or he finds his own place. What his father gives to the sister is not your issue, it's between him and his father.

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