Not to know what to do about my mother

[LEMtheoriginal]

I am at my wits end. Its a long long story that ive posted about before so apologies if its sketchy.

In short, long term unwell 85 year old who.has alienated entire family. I am only child. She wouldn't engage with drs and has changed drs frequently as she takes a dislike and they are all bastards/kids etc.

Finally get her to engage with a dr who she seems to like. Last week we had to take her as she camt sleep at night (sne naps all day) she wants to be "given something" not sleeping tablets though as they give her bad taste in mouth. (I know -its vile but its a minor side effect imo) anyway dr agrees to a few diazepam and a double appointment this week to "have a frank discussion" about my mother continued treatment and care - i suspect she is thinking of a care home or warden assisted place.

I feel bad but she can NOT live with me. I have dp and dd2 at home. A two bed house and no spare room. BUT if i lived in a ten bed house i couldnt have it. She is manipulative and spiteful (hence familyfallen away) and always had been.

So DP told me she got a letter yesterday for an appointment with her endocrine specialist (addisons) at the same time as the double appointment that was made for her by lovely new dr. I thought it was short notice so we round to check the letter (that she lied about receving) from her dpecialist to check the date. It turns out she has requested the appointment herself to "sort out" all of the drs and "get them into shit" . She views the specialists as all powerful as obviously they have been in charge of her endocrine treatment.

So i find myself in a position now where she is refusing to go to the othet dr and we now have to take her to her specialist on sn appointment that is at best inappropriate. A total waste of their time otherwise.

I dont have an agreement to talk to her dr about her in her absence. I am mortified to waste the consultants time and take a valuable appointment but whatelse can i do?

She needs help (mental health) and physical health. But she is fixated on being given the right antibiotics that she said her old dr gave her.

I feel overehelmed with this responsibility. She screams and cries to me and can be nasty.

I am not coping.

Ah sorry, that sounds tough. Could you contact adult social services to ask about options. Hopefully others will be along to tell you the right department to contact etc.

You can pass on information to doctors. It is just that they won't be able to discuss details with you. I would get a message to nice GP saying what you have told us here.

I wouldn't know who to apprach. My dr (who has had experience of my mother) said unless she asks for help herself or is incapacitated (she isnt quite) there is nothing i can do and i have to look after my own mental health which is fragile to say the least.

Google adult social care + the name of your borough council

Ring social Services and report her as a vulnerable adult and refuse any involvement until SS have sorted things out to some extent? Doesn't have to be forever but long enough for you to recuperate from the strain and for your mother to realise you won't play her game?

You need to go no contact for a week. Absolutely no talking or responding to her. It may bring things to a head. Deal with Social Services but not her. You could be dealing with dementia here as well.

You've got to try to reason it out.

You've got a few things going on, but the main thing is to see your Mother as an independent Adult who will have to live with the consequences of her decisions.

That's tough. It's like watching your child self destruct. Except she knows what's she's doing, more than most.

You've got to start to stonewall your thoughts with "I am not responsible for her".

It's sad that these are going to be some of the memories of her, but again, it's outside of your control.

She absolutely cannot live with you. Your DD comes before she does.

It's your own thought process and feeling beholden to her, that you need to work on.

The thing is , if i dont play her game she literally has no one. I feel tremendous guilt i dont do enough but she is so hard work that i find her hard to cope with.

I knkw if carers went in there would be accusations and nastiness.

I feel angry with the rest of the family but they have no responsibility to her.

My relationship with dp is being put under pressure. If she cant get me to run around for her. I work 40 + hours a week iver 4 days and my phone rings relentlessly from about 7am on my day of with requests for things from shop etc. She rings while im at work more now.

We get basics etc and if we are shopping ask if she needs stuff. She always says nothing. Then the requests trickle through. Patacetemol. Cigarettes. Cat food. Etc She used to do this to my dad when he was alive when she was perfectly capable of shopping herself.

Sorry, no real advice from me, but please ensure you look after yourself as well as trying to do best by your mum. Many organisations which support the care of those with long term illnesses also help with the mental wellbeing of their carers, so even if your mum will not engage with any relevant groups, you may be able to get some support and advice yourself. My mum became quite vindictive with us in final years of her illness, esp to my sister who had moved heaven & earth to help her. It was crazy difficult to see, but after she died my sister said at least she knew she (sis) had done her best by our mum, and had no burden of guilt after she died. You sound like you are trying your best, and whatever the outcome, you are doing an amazing thing looking after her as much as you can. If someone won't be helped, that's on them, not you. Stay strong, be true to yourself, and big hugs during a v difficult situation. I hope you're able to make some progress and find some support and advice.

I very much get the impression from her dr that she feels i dont support my mother enough. It must look like that but she is so difficult. I often make my DP come with me when i go round as she doesnt kick off when he is there.

Your guilt is the issue...

She behaves badly and you just take it.

SS. You can't cope alone with someone with challenging behaviour, and they'll know that. Addisons is well known for causing foul behaviour. Get her assessed for dementia too - the specialist might do it.

Go v low contact while they sort her out a bit, then come back. Guilt - well, that's insane, but try to keep it at bay.

Responsibility - how can you have duty to someone who refuses to accept help? Does that make sense?

DM might well engage when she wants to abuse you, but that's not quite the same thing, is it. Stand up to her - low contact - council involvement.

I am mortified to waste the consultants time and take a valuable appointment

I wouldn't worry about that and let your mother speak. There is nothing you can do to stop her. That's clear. The consultant cannot stop her from raising whatever issue she wants to raise either. She is her own person. If her issues require mental health assistance, the consultant will now or eventually point it out and then she will have heard it from them rather than from you.

You raising that now is no good because she simply won't listen.

In general, try not to engage in arguments with her because you will not be able to reason it out. if she isn't capable of attending appointments herself and you don't believe that they are super urgent or her life is in danger, then agree a time when you take her to these appointments and stick with it.

if she calls you and starts being nasty, again, unless you believe her life is in danger, tell her you need to go and stop the conversation. You don't have to listen to her abuse. She will continue doing it but unless your urgent action is required because her life is in danger or she is very ill, you don't have to listen to her. If urgent action due to ill health is required, obviously call the doctors etc.

The key here is to stop trying to reason with her as if she is still a normal individual who understands what inadequate behaviour is. She clearly doesn't, so you must start treating her as a person who is not altogether there. So if she needs help, call for that help. If not, then just tell her you need to go and don't listen to her nonsense.

If your mother has mental capacity - and it sounds as if she does - these are her choices.
You did not make her the way she is. You will not change her. She is not your responsibility.
You need to protect yourself from her manipulative behaviour and the best way to do this is to distance yourself. Do not let her move in with you. She will destroy your marriage and damage your children.

From my own DM's experience with her mother's mental health, while she has you picking up the slack social care will be unlikely to get involved. I think you need to disengage from helping with appointments etc and let social workers know that you are and what that will mean for your DM. The GP will probably bear the brunt and will most likely make a referral themselves as a result. That's the kindest thing for DM in the long term. Getting her the help she needs is not the same as getting her the help she wants. So, so tough OP, i really feel for you.

She is not your responsibility and if she wants to make poor choices then that is her right.

Don’t enable her, she knows that she can go to the dr to get help and presumably she knows how to use a telephone to call a taxi so let her organise it herself.

Agree with the PPs. If she has capacity, then she has the right to decide whether she wants to live at risk. If that's what she wants, you're not obligated to be at her beck and call. If she doesn't want to accept help, you're not "leaving her with no one". SHE is choosing to be left with no one.

I was the last man standing with my mother, siblings, family friends had walked away first. For my own sanity I eventually went nc. five years ago. The authorities have picked up the slack and she is doing nicely thanks. I had to block her on the phone. I had moved house gone ex directory, still she found me. Good friends she said had got her the details. I am suspicious about a hospital employee she is pally with. She has since then found other mugs/friends in the neighbourhood.

justasking111, if you th8nk tha5 her friend told he4 then you should report that. They can tell, if she’s been looking at your records. I’d be livid.

We moved heaven and earth to help my Fil when he had depression and withdrew from the world. He had paranoid delusions, he wouldn’t drive, he wouldn’t see anyone, go shopping, wash or eat. He was clearly in serious neglect and at one point he wouldn’t let us in the house. We eventually got him to a consultant, after numerous visits to the GP, visits from the crisis team etc and the consultant asked him how he was and he said I’m absolutely fine, I don’t know why I’m here.

He was manipulative to the end but they said he had mental capacity and that was that. He was eventually sectioned but it took a bloody long time and exhaustive efforts from us both to get him help and to get them to act. There is no money in the mental health budget and you have to fight for everything.

Please withdraw from supporting your mother. You will get no help from anyone if they think she has adequate support. Report her as a vulnerable adult and tell them she has no support anymore. Please, for your sake and that of your family’s, do not make yourself ill over this woman. I have read your posts before and I know you’ve had your share of problems, it’s about time you put yourself first.

What adorabelle said - time for tough love for your mum. Jumping to her demands just makes things worse, not better. And can you get some counselling for yourself to help you?

I think you worry to much OP. Let her engage with the medical professionals as she sees fit. You are not responsible for her and honestly it is nothing they've not seen and dealt with hundreds of times before.

Beyond that, you decide what you can reasonably offer her in terms of contact, visits and assistance. The reality is she is going to end up unhappy and largely alone due to her choices. You cant prevent that, sad though it is.

Thankyou for your support.

I am going to call her dr tomorrow and explain what has happened and ask if i can have an appointment to talk with her.

My mother has been like this for years and now is putting herself in danger in order to get her own way

I am still unsure whether to take her to see the endocrinologist. She kicked off at the last appointment a year ago blaming the gps etc and the poor woman was sympathetic but could only address her meds review etc. It will be like deja vu for the poor woman.

I'll have to sit there mortified in the waiting room as my mother will kick off if she has to wait even a short time.

I have a hospital appointment myself on monday that i dont think will have a happy ending.

I just feel like my head will expode

Your dr gave you the answer My dr (who has had experience of my mother) said unless she asks for help herself or is incapacitated (she isnt quite) there is nothing i can do

To help your mother you must step away and stop "helping" so that she is forced to request help from SS or to be clearly incapacitated. You letting helping her hide the truth is hurting you, hurting her and hurting your DP.

If you need a way to feed your people pleasing tendency then tell yourself you are being selfish to react to her whims to avoid temporary misplaced guilty feelings.

She can get a taxi to the endocrinologist. Don't take her.