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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to know what to do about my mother

130 replies

LEMtheoriginal · 15/01/2019 21:04

I am at my wits end. Its a long long story that ive posted about before so apologies if its sketchy.

In short, long term unwell 85 year old who.has alienated entire family. I am only child. She wouldn't engage with drs and has changed drs frequently as she takes a dislike and they are all bastards/kids etc.

Finally get her to engage with a dr who she seems to like. Last week we had to take her as she camt sleep at night (sne naps all day) she wants to be "given something" not sleeping tablets though as they give her bad taste in mouth. (I know -its vile but its a minor side effect imo) anyway dr agrees to a few diazepam and a double appointment this week to "have a frank discussion" about my mother continued treatment and care - i suspect she is thinking of a care home or warden assisted place.

I feel bad but she can NOT live with me. I have dp and dd2 at home. A two bed house and no spare room. BUT if i lived in a ten bed house i couldnt have it. She is manipulative and spiteful (hence familyfallen away) and always had been.

So DP told me she got a letter yesterday for an appointment with her endocrine specialist (addisons) at the same time as the double appointment that was made for her by lovely new dr. I thought it was short notice so we round to check the letter (that she lied about receving) from her dpecialist to check the date. It turns out she has requested the appointment herself to "sort out" all of the drs and "get them into shit" . She views the specialists as all powerful as obviously they have been in charge of her endocrine treatment.

So i find myself in a position now where she is refusing to go to the othet dr and we now have to take her to her specialist on sn appointment that is at best inappropriate. A total waste of their time otherwise.

I dont have an agreement to talk to her dr about her in her absence. I am mortified to waste the consultants time and take a valuable appointment but whatelse can i do?

She needs help (mental health) and physical health. But she is fixated on being given the right antibiotics that she said her old dr gave her.

I feel overehelmed with this responsibility. She screams and cries to me and can be nasty.

I am not coping.

OP posts:
GirlsBlouse17 · 24/01/2019 18:05

Hi OP sorry if you have already said this but does your mum currently live with you ?

Serialweightwatcher · 24/01/2019 18:11

I know where you're coming from - I'm an only child and my mum has always been critical, awkward and demanding - unfortunately now she has developed dementia which makes me feel more guilty, but I have bad anxiety and am having to say 'no' to things to keep myself sane. You need to tell your mother that you need to attend the GP meeting first and rearrange the consultant one and if she refuses, you need to refuse to take her to the other - it's time to step up, I know how hard it is honestly but you need to fight back and gain some control

Serialweightwatcher · 24/01/2019 18:13

Sorry my computer missed two pages for some reason .... you need to explain everything to hospital and doctors and if and when she does come home, please start refusing and putting your foot down until circumstances suit you more ... stay with the angry side of this and remember how she keeps making you feel

Drum2018 · 24/01/2019 18:15

Hi OP sorry if you have already said this but does your mum currently live with you ?

Did you even read the original post?

GirlsBlouse17 · 24/01/2019 18:25

I did Drum. I have just read it again and although OP does not say directly, I assume DM is not living with OP .

Drum2018 · 24/01/2019 18:29

I feel bad but she can NOT live with me. I have dp and dd2 at home. A two bed house and no spare room. BUT if i lived in a ten bed house i couldnt have it. She is manipulative and spiteful (hence familyfallen away) and always had been.

Between that (from original post) and the fact she's mentioned the mothers cat is home alone now that the mother is in hospital, I think it's clear her mother doesn't live with her.

Flooffloof · 24/01/2019 18:31

I did Drum. I have just read it again and although OP does not say directly, I assume DM is not living with OP
So the bit where OP says
She can not live with me
And the other bit where OP says
So we (go) round to check
None of that is clear that mother does not live with OP?

Notverygrownup · 24/01/2019 18:32

LEM I am an only child with a mum with very very high needs. I sympathise totally.

  1. I found it a help to detatch. In my head I said goodbye to my mum a long time ago. Now she is an old lady whom I help out as much as I can
  1. Being in hospital is a brilliant time to get her tested for all sorts, if she is admitted. You should say that there is very little you can do for her when she comes out - do not accept extra responsibility - you sound at the end of your tether - but you can visit her whilst she is there (if they admit her) and talk to the doctors. I am worried about X; can you test her for Y; what is the procedure to deal with Z? Much easier to sort things than when she is in the community.

3 Get another phone - a cheap one - and switch off your main phone on a Thursday. Tell your mum that if she needs shopping etc you will be shopping on Sunday or Tuesday or whenever. Then screen calls on a Thursday and delete messages which are demanding tobacco etc. They will have to wait until Sunday, or Tuesday or whenever. (Have a few tins in ready at home for the "Oh but the cat will starve routine . . . "

  1. Develop some mantras. Be a broken record. eg
Mum: I want those antibiotics, my old GP gave me. You: Yes, its a shame he's gone. You will have to learn to trust the new GP. Mum: I want those antibiotics, my old GP gave me You ; . . . .(and repeat)
  1. Look after you and dont feel guilty that she can't live with you. We nearly had mum to live with us, and I know it would have finished us off. I do lots for her, but I know I have to look after me and mine too, and when she's around there's no room for anyone else.
  1. Finally, perhaps, sympathise a little, but from a distance. Getting old is horrible, and frightening. She is convinced those antibiotics will help and she is frightened that she can't get them. So perhaps ask the GP if they are still available: If not:
Mum: I want those antibiotics that my old GP gave me. You: Yes, I know. You felt much better with them didn't you? Perhaps they have stopped making them. You could ask what else your GP recommends. . . .

Best of luck

BlueJava · 24/01/2019 18:43

You can't control your mother, but you can control your reaction to her. For example: If you ask her if she wants something from the supermarket and she says nothing but then rings you constantly to get something the next day just answer the first time "No sorry, not going today, you should have said last night". Then don't answer it. My own parents can be a bit like this - they want me to go and do their weekly shop for them, but it's a 3 hours round trip minimum so I order on line and it's delivered to them. They don't like it, I'll take the complaint once and say "Ah well, best I can do sorry". Then I don't answer. Best case is when they fill up the answer machine, then they can't even leave a message. I wouldn't be taking her to see a specialist either - if she really wants to go then she can get there herself. I am sorry to be tough but you're enabling her complaints and unreasonableness, she's running rings round you.

Gth1234 · 24/01/2019 18:47

even if you could accommodate her space wise, you would increasingly be tied to the house. It sounds hard, but you have to resist this. The hardest thing is if she doesn't have funds to be in a hand-picked care home. (ie no private pension)

GirlsBlouse17 · 24/01/2019 18:48

Oh get off your high horses, for goodness sake

Ethel36 · 24/01/2019 18:48

Do you not have a spare key to feed the cat? Neighbour might have one? If not, is there a cat flap..maybe you can leave cat food in the garden?

Ethel36 · 24/01/2019 18:49

I wouldnt go to the hospital. Let her learn from this now.

Gone4Good · 24/01/2019 19:04

GirlsBlouse17 This is not of a case of people being on high-horses, it a clear case of poor reading comprehension on your part.

Serialweightwatcher · 24/01/2019 19:07

People are so rude on here sometimes - so someone missed some bits, so what?

GirlsBlouse17 · 24/01/2019 19:14

Thank you Gone4Good well lets hijack this thread and make it a discussion about me having a reading impairment.

It wasn't clear to me from the original post if the mother lived with the OP. I do apologise for my failure there. And I haven't read all the posts thereafter. I apologise for that too but I don't have time to read pages of posts. And I did wrote in my post "I'm sorry if you have already said this.." .

I just wanted to be clear on that one point so I could try and help the OP but now I've wasted time arguing on here

GirlsBlouse17 · 24/01/2019 19:15

Thank you Serial!

FrancisCrawford · 24/01/2019 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Weezol · 24/01/2019 19:24

Francis Now that is a phenomenally good plan. I am imagining you sitting in a swivel chair stroking a white cat.

CheesyWeez · 24/01/2019 20:20

Please let us know what happened tonight OP. What did you (or the hospital) decide to do... or not do?

Don't make yourself ill and take on too much. Offer only what you're comfortable with. It's hard, I know, and I feel for you. Flowers

RandomMess · 24/01/2019 20:25

Funny isn't LEM how she is perfectly capable of doing what she wants when you refuse to bend to her will???

Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 24/01/2019 20:44

Girlblouse - no she doesn't live with me. Hell would freeze over before i allowed that.Grin

So we went to get her - got to A&E to be told she had already left Hmm thankfully one of the doctors had seen her and stopped her leaving. But they were going to let her fucking leave.

They treated for potential addisons crisis and didnt listen to me when i questioned mental health
However i cant blame them, it was absolute bedlam and i needed to get out.
Hats off to A&E staff - whatever they are paid isn't enough.

They want her back for a ct scan to rule out a blood clot tomorrow. They pretty much said they are sure there isnt one but they treated anyway.

I will call the dr again tomorrow and tell them i want social service involvement.

My mother says she wants to go into a home so i am gping to take her at her word.

It breaks my heart to see her like this but my sympthy level iszero

OP posts:
TooSassy · 24/01/2019 21:03

LEM you’ve had some great advice and support on this thread and I’m another voice chiming in to say, detach, step back, look after yourself and your family.

Whatever is happening with your mother is not at all healthy. She is front of plenty of medical professionals and not one seems to have been sufficiently worried enough to say that this person is vulnerable and needs intervention. They all have the powers to do that.

That tells me that all you are dealing with is a highly manipulative individual who is completely focussed on her wants, her needs and controlling you.

You need to start implementing boundaries and you need feel no guilt. I would absolutely however recommend counselling to help you with this. Stepping back from a parent (especially your elderly mother) just feels so inherently wrong, I get it and I’ve been there. Counselling saved me and my sanity.

My sympathy would also be zero in your shoes. You are an amazing daughter who she is lucky to have, the fact that she can’t recognise and appreciate that is on her. Not you x

Didiplanthis · 24/01/2019 21:33

Actually the medical professionals don't have the power to insist she needs help. No one can do that all the time she has capacity. Just having mental health problems or early dementia doesn't mean you don't have capacity. The way she is behaving and manipulating everyone strongly suggests she does have capacity as understands exactly what she is doing. All you can do is stand back and withdraw until there is a crisis which you then must let someone else deal with and not try to pick up the pieces - it needs to become a SS problem at that point. But she cannot be forced to accept help by any one at this stage.

Motoko · 24/01/2019 21:37

OP, I'm sorry, but I'm going to be harsh, because you're still running around after your mum, after all the advice you've had to step back.

If you don't step back, you're the one who is going to end up in hospital, and you'll be no help to anybody. You will also then be putting even more of a burden on your partner and child, and the stability of your relationship. It will only be a matter of time before your partner walks out, and that will be down to you.

You have a choice. Choose wisely, or you will lose those you love.