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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to know what to do about my mother

130 replies

LEMtheoriginal · 15/01/2019 21:04

I am at my wits end. Its a long long story that ive posted about before so apologies if its sketchy.

In short, long term unwell 85 year old who.has alienated entire family. I am only child. She wouldn't engage with drs and has changed drs frequently as she takes a dislike and they are all bastards/kids etc.

Finally get her to engage with a dr who she seems to like. Last week we had to take her as she camt sleep at night (sne naps all day) she wants to be "given something" not sleeping tablets though as they give her bad taste in mouth. (I know -its vile but its a minor side effect imo) anyway dr agrees to a few diazepam and a double appointment this week to "have a frank discussion" about my mother continued treatment and care - i suspect she is thinking of a care home or warden assisted place.

I feel bad but she can NOT live with me. I have dp and dd2 at home. A two bed house and no spare room. BUT if i lived in a ten bed house i couldnt have it. She is manipulative and spiteful (hence familyfallen away) and always had been.

So DP told me she got a letter yesterday for an appointment with her endocrine specialist (addisons) at the same time as the double appointment that was made for her by lovely new dr. I thought it was short notice so we round to check the letter (that she lied about receving) from her dpecialist to check the date. It turns out she has requested the appointment herself to "sort out" all of the drs and "get them into shit" . She views the specialists as all powerful as obviously they have been in charge of her endocrine treatment.

So i find myself in a position now where she is refusing to go to the othet dr and we now have to take her to her specialist on sn appointment that is at best inappropriate. A total waste of their time otherwise.

I dont have an agreement to talk to her dr about her in her absence. I am mortified to waste the consultants time and take a valuable appointment but whatelse can i do?

She needs help (mental health) and physical health. But she is fixated on being given the right antibiotics that she said her old dr gave her.

I feel overehelmed with this responsibility. She screams and cries to me and can be nasty.

I am not coping.

OP posts:
CottonTailRabbit · 16/01/2019 21:12

What are your objectives for the meeting with the GP?

Please refuse to demand your DP to drive her to the other appointment. Say no. No. No. No. Then get your DP to look after your phone so you don't see any of messages back. Get him to delete them. Taxis exist if the appointment exists. She does not need you at all for it.

Motoko · 16/01/2019 23:47

I'm not sure if they'd tell you if she actually has an appointment.

So, if you go with her, your partner will have to go anyway? I think you're asking a lot of them. I agree with CottonTail.

Speak to her GP about arranging a home visit, and tell them you can't continue to help her.

Fairylea · 17/01/2019 06:16

I make and change appointments for my mum all the time. If you know her date of birth then ring and say you know she has an appointment that day (just pretend you’re sure she does) but she’s forgotten the time and they’ll probably tell you - they do with me!

AJPTaylor · 17/01/2019 06:28

Right.
She has no one else. That is her choice though isn't it? She has alienated everyone in the family and has no friends. She has, not you.
I had similar with my grandmother who was a manipulative old cow. I realised that the difference I made was marginal to her life and hugely detrimental to my mental health. Think about it, she is like this 24/7. Treat her like a toddler. Just refuse to take her. Seriously what is going to happen? The appt is unecessary. You can't take her. You will only take her to important ones. Then no contact for a week or 10 days. Stop being available. It is hard.

AJPTaylor · 17/01/2019 06:33

Just read your update. Dad go to see her gp. They will know what to do. In fact tell them you are done. Then tell her.
You deserve a nice life.

countrygirl99 · 17/01/2019 07:03

Get over to the Elderly Parents board - it's in Other. You will find loads of people in similar situations with lots of good advice. The main thing is to think oxygen mask - in a plane crash you need to pur yours on first before you can help others. It's the same with elderly parents - you need to look after your own health first and it's fine to say no. Also if she is an adult with capacity sometimes the freedom to make bad decisions is better than losing freedom.

Footle · 17/01/2019 07:21

Your daughter needs to be your priority.

Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 17/01/2019 14:42

Finally a doctor who listens!!! So me and dp went and spoke to lovely gp. Who has taken our concerns seriously. She is going to try and get some sort of assesment in place as she is concerned re psychiatric condition/dementia. How this will be achieved i don't know.

We are about to take her to "specialist" although she is being vile and doesn't want me there i cannot leave dp to deal with her

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 17/01/2019 15:17

From experience OP, unless dementia is a factor there isn't much you can do re your mothers behaviour except distance yourself for your own sanity. And put in coping strategies for her demands etc I would do a weekly online delivery direct to her home of fags, cat food, basics & 'extra' stuff she regularly asks for. Click & collect is free(some collection points aren't just in store, I pick mine up from train station after work). And keep the online favourites/repeat items list to reorder with 1 click . Good luck and be kind to yourself. I'm sure your Dr knows what elderly & v difficult patients can be like for relatives.

Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 21/01/2019 16:35

Feeling pretty angry today as i had a hospital appointment for myself that thankfully was all good. My mother called wanting a lift to her dr. I said it was difficult as i was at the hospital myself. She asked why so i just said 'a procedure '. Did she ask if i was ok? Did she fuck

OP posts:
RandomMess · 21/01/2019 17:06

LEM you only exist to service her needs... did you not get the memo informing you????

This is why we are advising that you take a step back Thanks

Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 21/01/2019 17:18

At least her gp saw her being beligerant to me today. Now sat in the chip shop in agony waiting for her fish and chips. Ive done a full shop for her as she is claiming to have no food in and im done for the werk. Im going to snuggle up on the sofa and watch cold feet.

OP posts:
Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 23/01/2019 19:42

So the dr called and without her agreement for an assessment they wont act further. Ibtried to talk to her about it and she wont have any of it just rants on about the antibiotics. I am sick to the back teeth and dont know what else to do.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/01/2019 20:01

Tell her that you cannot help her anymore until she's had the assessment the GP wants her to have...

Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 23/01/2019 20:20

Random i think that is what im going to do. I am exhausted but she is now calling me at work to ask me to get tobacco. I did tonight as an excuse to talk to her about dr.

I told her she is making me ill - its like i havent spoken

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/01/2019 20:21

Broken record "I'm not doing anything for you until...."

Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 24/01/2019 16:01

So shes really gone and done it this time. Took herself on the bus to the local hospital demanding to see her specialist. They have taken her to A&E at another hospital - on blue lights apparently Hmm she told me she was going to do this. I didnt belive for one minute she would do it. But of course she "had a turn" when she didnt get her own way.

Her GP is at a loss

Im fucking tempyed to leave her there

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 24/01/2019 16:03

Of course you should leave her there! Anything else would be insanity on your part. This is how she will finally get diagnosed for her MH issues and you'll be free.

MitziK · 24/01/2019 16:07

Leave her there. It's time that she was properly assessed. And if there's nothing wrong with her other than being a fucking dickhead she can deal with getting back home by herself.

LemonBreeland · 24/01/2019 16:12

I know the guilt can be hard but you have to step back. Let SS get involved, now she is in A&E something might happen.

MitziK · 24/01/2019 16:13

By the way, Dementia of all kinds rarely improves somebody's personality - and I've found that Vascular seems to make people particularly aggressive, even in the early stages.

The longer she is there, the longer they have to observe her behaviour and reasoning - picking her up might mean they miss her saying the one thing that makes them realise it's not just being a nasty old cow with an overinflated sense of her own importance.

Difficult, I know. But it's for her own good she is left there for them to interact with for the longest possible time.

comebacksoonsusan · 24/01/2019 16:15

Wash your hands.

MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours · 24/01/2019 16:21

leave her there...this is tantrum territory, and she is not 3 years old! YOU must not get involved in bundling her home and apologising for her under your breath

Let her be assessed and let her be told off by strangers for being an awkward old woman if necessary

This is your chance to step back officially.

SummerStrong · 24/01/2019 16:25

Leave her there, hopefully SS will get involved.

Mulberryandthyme · 24/01/2019 16:28

Switch your phone off