Not to know what to do about my mother

[LEMtheoriginal]

I am at my wits end. Its a long long story that ive posted about before so apologies if its sketchy.

In short, long term unwell 85 year old who.has alienated entire family. I am only child. She wouldn't engage with drs and has changed drs frequently as she takes a dislike and they are all bastards/kids etc.

Finally get her to engage with a dr who she seems to like. Last week we had to take her as she camt sleep at night (sne naps all day) she wants to be "given something" not sleeping tablets though as they give her bad taste in mouth. (I know -its vile but its a minor side effect imo) anyway dr agrees to a few diazepam and a double appointment this week to "have a frank discussion" about my mother continued treatment and care - i suspect she is thinking of a care home or warden assisted place.

I feel bad but she can NOT live with me. I have dp and dd2 at home. A two bed house and no spare room. BUT if i lived in a ten bed house i couldnt have it. She is manipulative and spiteful (hence familyfallen away) and always had been.

So DP told me she got a letter yesterday for an appointment with her endocrine specialist (addisons) at the same time as the double appointment that was made for her by lovely new dr. I thought it was short notice so we round to check the letter (that she lied about receving) from her dpecialist to check the date. It turns out she has requested the appointment herself to "sort out" all of the drs and "get them into shit" . She views the specialists as all powerful as obviously they have been in charge of her endocrine treatment.

So i find myself in a position now where she is refusing to go to the othet dr and we now have to take her to her specialist on sn appointment that is at best inappropriate. A total waste of their time otherwise.

I dont have an agreement to talk to her dr about her in her absence. I am mortified to waste the consultants time and take a valuable appointment but whatelse can i do?

She needs help (mental health) and physical health. But she is fixated on being given the right antibiotics that she said her old dr gave her.

I feel overehelmed with this responsibility. She screams and cries to me and can be nasty.

I am not coping.

Take the cat - either keep him/her or rehome. Leave your Mother in the care of professionals - she sounds attention seeking and frankly horrible. She needs professional help. You need peace and to get your life back. You have my sympathies, you really do

Actually medical professionals do have the power / as do the police if they think someone is displaying such concerning behaviour that they are a risk of harm to themselves/ members of society.

It’s exactly my point that no one has done anything that makes me think that this woman does have huge mental capacity and knows what she’s doing. Now whether she is starting to display the early signs of a worrying condition is something else and at this stage, I agree no one can force her to take any medical appts/ interventions.

I have a friend battling the exact same problem and it’s heartbreaking to watch. She’s in the process of applying for medical POA over her mother as it’s clear there is an onset of dementia her mother however is not engaging with any of the behaviours the OP outlines but is starting to be intensely confused and forgetful. And with that is anger because she’s scared.

Adult social services need to step in here

Your DM is similar to many on MN's threads, including mine. We have tried everything with DM. All the Dr's and DSS, and consultants agree that there is nothing much wrong with her other than her attitude. She goes through carers like a knife through butter. She is clever and manipulative and will probably outlive us all.

The only way I now cope with DM is minimal contact. It has saved my own health. I block her calls between 7pm and 7.00am. I only visit once a week. She has carers who live with her 24hours a day, seven days a week. She sees doctors and consultants regularly, who offer all sorts of help, which she then refuses. They are all quietly despairing too. So she gets lots of support and help, but is still just basically a not very nice person. You have to look after yourself OP. You are not her keeper, and if she is of sound mind, then there is not much more you can do. You have to live your life, and she has chosen how to live hers.

Hugs LEM, what you are having to deal with is horrendous. Think of it this way though - your mother is an addict feeding on drama. She needs medical help for her mental state. By giving in to her demands, it is like giving drugs to the drug-addicted. You need to halt the supply (ie stop running around for her) because only then will she have to face getting the medical help she needs. It's not only in your best interests to step back - it's in hers.

This thread is full of really really good advice
Best of luck OP