Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Not to know what to do about my mother

130 replies

LEMtheoriginal · 15/01/2019 21:04

I am at my wits end. Its a long long story that ive posted about before so apologies if its sketchy.

In short, long term unwell 85 year old who.has alienated entire family. I am only child. She wouldn't engage with drs and has changed drs frequently as she takes a dislike and they are all bastards/kids etc.

Finally get her to engage with a dr who she seems to like. Last week we had to take her as she camt sleep at night (sne naps all day) she wants to be "given something" not sleeping tablets though as they give her bad taste in mouth. (I know -its vile but its a minor side effect imo) anyway dr agrees to a few diazepam and a double appointment this week to "have a frank discussion" about my mother continued treatment and care - i suspect she is thinking of a care home or warden assisted place.

I feel bad but she can NOT live with me. I have dp and dd2 at home. A two bed house and no spare room. BUT if i lived in a ten bed house i couldnt have it. She is manipulative and spiteful (hence familyfallen away) and always had been.

So DP told me she got a letter yesterday for an appointment with her endocrine specialist (addisons) at the same time as the double appointment that was made for her by lovely new dr. I thought it was short notice so we round to check the letter (that she lied about receving) from her dpecialist to check the date. It turns out she has requested the appointment herself to "sort out" all of the drs and "get them into shit" . She views the specialists as all powerful as obviously they have been in charge of her endocrine treatment.

So i find myself in a position now where she is refusing to go to the othet dr and we now have to take her to her specialist on sn appointment that is at best inappropriate. A total waste of their time otherwise.

I dont have an agreement to talk to her dr about her in her absence. I am mortified to waste the consultants time and take a valuable appointment but whatelse can i do?

She needs help (mental health) and physical health. But she is fixated on being given the right antibiotics that she said her old dr gave her.

I feel overehelmed with this responsibility. She screams and cries to me and can be nasty.

I am not coping.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 15/01/2019 23:01

Don't take her, let it sort it out herself, get a cab, wait on her own... you are enabling her to behave badly. You need to look after yourself at the moment

hatgirl · 15/01/2019 23:05

I'm an older people's social worker.

You can't do anything more than you are doing already. She is an adult (albeit an adult with a disease) and not a child.

This isn't about her. Decide what you are willing and able to do, do that and ask for help with the rest if you can.

I often say to the families I encounter that there isn't a magic solution and to stop exhausting themselves trying to fix things. Things often have to reach crisis point before a solution is found, doing nothing isnt always a bad thing.

Until then you just have to do your best, cross your fingers, respect your mother's wishes and hope the crisis point is a wake up call rather than a wake.

Original poster

LEMtheoriginal · 15/01/2019 23:06

The trouble is if i dont take her she'll try and get a bus and she wont manage.

What baffles me is how she was able to get an appointment with the endocrinologist so quickly

OP posts:

RandomMess · 15/01/2019 23:10

Then let her fail, that's the point...

hatgirl · 15/01/2019 23:13

The trouble is if i dont take her she'll try and get a bus and she wont manage

and if you take her you are enabling her to continue a false narrative. From experience consultants are much better at fobbing off elderly people and giving them a magic plaster if their clued up relatives aren't present to question everything.

Obviously that's usually a bad thing, but perhaps being sympathetically listened to and sympathetically fobbed off is what is required right now.

Original poster

LEMtheoriginal · 15/01/2019 23:14

I just dont know anymore.

OP posts:

hatgirl · 15/01/2019 23:18

What is it you are afraid will happen if you don't do 'something'.

Be honest.

Ribbonsonabox · 15/01/2019 23:19

that sounds like such a hard situation.
Dont run yourself ragged and ruin you own mental health over this.
Your mother has made her choices in life and that is why she has next to no one left to help her. Shes a grown woman who is not taking responsibility for her own wellbeing at all.
Dont do more than you can manage for her and dont let her make you feel guilty about that.
You cant force someone to accept appropriate help. It's not your duty to either.
It sounds like you are doing everything you can for her but she is simply not engaging with anyone. That's her choice so I think all you can do is let it play out.
I dont think you should take her to her appointment. She arranged it and she should take responsibility for it. I think by helping her here you are not really helping her because it's just prolonging her behaviour because shes not facing the real consequences of it.

MitziK · 15/01/2019 23:20

If she kicks off, they'll be able to see just how distorted her view is. And without a harried daughter to absolve them of responsibility, adult social services, etc, will have to be involved.

Take her (or book her a cab because you're at work) and let it happen.

Motoko · 15/01/2019 23:30

Well, you either choose to carry on as you are, making yourself ill, and probably ending your relationship, in which case, you won't be of any help to anyone, including your DD.

Or, you choose to take a step back. Ignore the phone calls, call SS, and let her go to this appointment on her own.

This is your choice. Make no mistake, if you decide to carry on as you are, this is a choice you've made. You have been advised by people with experience. Listen to, and act on that advice.

Original poster

LEMtheoriginal · 15/01/2019 23:40

Dp has made a good point just now. There must have been a letter. Surely you cant just ring and get an appointment with a specialist and get one within four days??? I mean i am lucky if i can see my own dr within two bloody weeks.

Im so confused

OP posts:

RandomMess · 15/01/2019 23:41

I'm sure he consultant will be running late and not inconvenienced by your DM failing to turn up! You don't even think she needs to see the consultant?

RandomMess · 15/01/2019 23:42

Depends DH is on a ring up basis with his rheumatologist?

CottonTailRabbit · 15/01/2019 23:44

What would be so awful about her failing to get a bus to an appointment she doesn't need?

Fairylea · 15/01/2019 23:46

I have Addison’s and I can ring my endocrinologist and either speak to them or get an appointment. Because Addisons can be fatal they do make special allowances.

But.. that’s besides the point. I am in a similar situation with my own mother, who has just this week been diagnosed with advanced cancer and I am now going through all the difficulties and conflicting emotions with that. I am an only child too and I also feel the medical people expect more from me, but I am unwell myself and have 2 dc, one of whom has autism. I can’t do anymore than I can.

It’s easier said than done as I am trying to do it myself but you really need to disengage and stop answering your phone and let her go / stop being so involved. Let the medical people step in, ring the gp and tell them you can’t cope / she can’t rely on you.

Original poster

LEMtheoriginal · 15/01/2019 23:47

Random she is due to see her next month i believe. So it wouldn't be totally fruitless other than my mother's intentions to kick off about the dr. I dont even have the energy to explain what wrong she belives the drs have done. But its been going on for years. Finslly thoight i was goingto get help she would engage with the lovely gp but clearly not.

Fwiw i dont think my mother needs to go in a home. She needs psychiatric assesment and help but if she actually looks after herself she can manage.

OP posts:

Fairylea · 15/01/2019 23:50

If you’re interested this is my own thread - lots of advice here that I found useful. (I haven’t replied for a few days on it as I’ve been busy at the hospital and am thinking things through).
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3478000-Can-anyone-support-me-through-this-Narcissistic-mum-now-terminally-ill-with-cancer-etc-and-I-m-struggling-with-my-feelings

Original poster

LEMtheoriginal · 15/01/2019 23:52

Fairylee thankyou - that makes sense.

My plan is that i will let dp take my mother to the appointment. I will not go with her and sit and interpret for her like i usually do. Or try and smooth things along.

I will call lovely gp tomorrow and explain.
Then im calling social services.

I honestly am at the end of my rope and something has to change. I had a panic attack today but actually managed to internalise it so nobody knew.

OP posts:

Original poster

LEMtheoriginal · 15/01/2019 23:54

Christ Fairy injust read your OP.

OP posts:

ChristmaspArti · 16/01/2019 08:34

LEM, that sounds like a good plan. You are NOT responsible for your mum's bad behaviour. Explain to lovely GP what you think your mum is doing and why you think she got the hospital appointment. They won't be able to discuss the situation with you but will be able to receive the information. This means they will be informed as to how to try and help your mum going forward. Then step back and breathe!

Motoko · 16/01/2019 08:41

Has your partner offered to take her? It's unfair of you to tell them that they've got the job of dealing with her, if you're not willing to step back. You've already said it's affecting your relationship.

If your partenr had come on here asking for advice, they'd be advised to go NC with your mum, and that they may have to leave the relationship with you if you weren't willing to stop all this nonsense.

SaturdayNext · 16/01/2019 08:57

The thing is , if i dont play her game she literally has no one

No, she doesn't. Think about it. If you were ill or had to move away or went NC, social services would have to step in. You need to leave it to them now, you have done more than enough.

GhostBustersFavouriteMum · 16/01/2019 09:12

for you.

First of all I would say don't feel guilty, you have nothing to be guilty about.
Secondly see your own gp and tell them exactly how much your mental health is suffering and sort your own care.
Thirdly ring your council ask for adult services and tell them the situation. Ask them to intervene as your health has deteriorated and you're no longer able to provide care.
Finally remove any means of contact your Mum has for you until you feel ready to deal with her. Buy a cheap sim, unplug your landline, add 1571 answering machine, whatever it takes x

Original poster

LEMtheoriginal · 16/01/2019 21:03

Motoko i think you make a very valid point. If we do take her tomorrow he will have drive as i dont drive. I do take that on board.

Update i called the gp today to cancel and the receptionist was pretty adamant they wanted to see her and offered an appointment in the morning. Which i have accepted.

I called my mother and told her and she is refusing to go. Spoke to me like she hated me. I dont know why but it upset me alot.
I probably should be grateful that she isnt calling me every five minutes.

I am going to go to the appointment and talk to the dr and see what transpires. I dont know if im going to bother with the hosp appointment in the afternoon. Im not even sure it exists - is there a way i can find out

OP posts:

RandomMess · 16/01/2019 21:06

GP may have to do a home visit!!

Sounds like GP is onto her and knows things need to change.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6