Not to know what to do about my mother

[LEMtheoriginal]

I am at my wits end. Its a long long story that ive posted about before so apologies if its sketchy.

In short, long term unwell 85 year old who.has alienated entire family. I am only child. She wouldn't engage with drs and has changed drs frequently as she takes a dislike and they are all bastards/kids etc.

Finally get her to engage with a dr who she seems to like. Last week we had to take her as she camt sleep at night (sne naps all day) she wants to be "given something" not sleeping tablets though as they give her bad taste in mouth. (I know -its vile but its a minor side effect imo) anyway dr agrees to a few diazepam and a double appointment this week to "have a frank discussion" about my mother continued treatment and care - i suspect she is thinking of a care home or warden assisted place.

I feel bad but she can NOT live with me. I have dp and dd2 at home. A two bed house and no spare room. BUT if i lived in a ten bed house i couldnt have it. She is manipulative and spiteful (hence familyfallen away) and always had been.

So DP told me she got a letter yesterday for an appointment with her endocrine specialist (addisons) at the same time as the double appointment that was made for her by lovely new dr. I thought it was short notice so we round to check the letter (that she lied about receving) from her dpecialist to check the date. It turns out she has requested the appointment herself to "sort out" all of the drs and "get them into shit" . She views the specialists as all powerful as obviously they have been in charge of her endocrine treatment.

So i find myself in a position now where she is refusing to go to the othet dr and we now have to take her to her specialist on sn appointment that is at best inappropriate. A total waste of their time otherwise.

I dont have an agreement to talk to her dr about her in her absence. I am mortified to waste the consultants time and take a valuable appointment but whatelse can i do?

She needs help (mental health) and physical health. But she is fixated on being given the right antibiotics that she said her old dr gave her.

I feel overehelmed with this responsibility. She screams and cries to me and can be nasty.

I am not coping.

LEM yes let the hospital sort her out and be unavailable for going up there today and tomorrow.

I wish i could comeback. Its always a fucking thursday. I work 40-50 weeks over four days. Thursday is my day off

Seriously, this could be a good thing.
It's a lot quicker being assessed as an inpatient rather than in the community.
If she's in hospital she's hopefully safe and being fed.
If she threatens to discharge herself, do NOT agree to collect her.

Just cos it's your day off, it doesn't mean that you are available

Seriously though, how can i just leave her there? As an aside i dont have a key to her house and she has a cat that will need fed.

Was half expecting to hear from the hospital. I called earlier (about 3) and she was just being assessed. I asked the receptionist to pass on the message i was concerned for her mental health.

No point in calling again really i will need to go over because i need to try and have a conversation with somebody.

Breakfast i agree, although at this stage i dont even know if she has been admitted.

If it wasn't for the cat I'd be switching my phone off.

You sound like a very nice person that is striving to do the ‘right thing’, and perhaps, there is historical issues with your Mum that leads to you doing so much for her in the hope you might get a better relationship?

I’m going to be harsh but only to try and help. You need to be a grown up here and see your mother and your relationship, for what it really is. I think you’re carrying on in the hope that you get the relationship you want. You won’t. Your mother is unkind to you. Repeatedly. See her for what she is. Life is short and precious and you deserve to spend it with people that enjoy your company, respect and care for you. Continuing this situation is a form of self abuse. Stop it now. No excuses. Unless you just came here to vent, you’ve had every single person tell you not to continue, and yet you are.

You are more important than your mother’s cat (which can surely manage over night). Don’t interfere now - let the medical staff see her in full effect.

You really need to leave her there now. If a doctor rings you fair enough but you don't have to go to pick her up. Tell them you are not in a position to care for her. If she's ill they won't let her home on her own so will possibly involve another body - SS perhaps. This is your opportunity for things to change - please for your own sake take it and sit tight at home.

“How can I just leave her there?” That’s easy. Switch your phones off and make tea.

She will break you.

I agree with pp that you need to take a step back no matter how hard it will be. The cat will be fine for one night i am sure.

Seriously though, how can i just leave her there?

By doing exactly nothing. That's how. Nobody will die. Not even the cat. A nasty woman will have a hissy fit. Your guilt centre will freak. Nothing objectively bad will happen if you do nothing.

Well surely you can find out if she's been admitted if you call up and ask? That way you won't make a wasted journey to the hospital.

You seem wracked with guilt OP over this horrible old woman who makes an absolute convenience of you. It's a good thing she's in hospital actually, maybe they can assess her for MH problems/dementia while she's there? Why don't you ring and leave a message for whoever is the doctor in charge of her care asking for this to be done, plus contact details for her GP, as she knows the whole story? You may as well try and get done what you need done while she's captive in hospital!

LEM you know logically you need to step back for your mental health. She's going to do what the fuck she wants whatever you try and do. You have limited power and frankly she's really enjoying commanding you.

Now you have to let it go. Think about what you're prepared to do. A shop weekly? That's very reasonable. For now, while she's so dogmatic about her care, you really can't do anything. She's an adult responsible for her own health. That she's EA means you must protect yourself.

She is not your responsibility and if she wants to make poor choices then that is her right.

The absolute best and fastest way to get SS/Psychiatry to assess her is to leave her where she is and withdraw completely.

Please listen to the posters who know this and please, please step away for your own well being and that of your DP and DD.

Oh LEM. shall I help you dig up the patio?
Try to keep away - answer calls from the hospital and explain you are unable to help any more due to the family dynamics, and ask them to get social work dept involved. They can set up care packages more easily when patients are in hospital. (It sounds as if she will refuse anyway, but that is her choice.) You just need to keep away when she comes home. Really really hard for you. I have met some very....interesting....characters and feel utmost sympathy to their poor families running themselves ragged trying to help. Back Off. Nothing you do will ever be right or enough. Leave her to it.

Get the cat rehomed through the RSPCA.

Then switch your phone off.

If they're assessing her, they think she needs to be there and needs to be assessed.

What's the problem with it? You wanted her assessed.

Once they have time to decide whether she's ill or is a complete arsehole, then you'll hear about it from them. And then you say you cannot be a carer for her because of her behaviour - they then have a care plan where it's clear that somebody else is paid to deal with her.

And if the cat is a problem tomorrow because she's still an inpatient, break in with a locksmith, get the back door/whatever fixed, stick it in a carrier and bring it home. It'll probably appreciate it.

any chance of you getting a cab to take her to the specialist so you don't have to go. ? Feel very sorry for you

Just wait a bit longer. You will hear from her, at least because she will need you for something. Some clothes to get changed, some tobacco, whatever.
Or the hospital will contact you as the next if kin.

Btw you CAN leave her there because it’s probably the best place for her atm.
And because you can’t do more for her wo any détriment to yourself.

You are nit leaving her rotting in hell. You would be leaving her the capable hands of the hospital, who will finally be able to do some assessment with her (hopefully...) and sort out whatever issue she thinks she has.

That all sounds far too stressful for you to deal with, you have my sympathies.

Hopefully the hospital will assess her mental health whilst she is there as they should pick up on it. If not it would be a good idea to ask gp for CPN referral. The community mental health team can then visit her in her own home to carry out a full assessment and then pan her care from there.

Leave her there, for your own sake.

Can you try to get the cat out of the house and to somewhere else, then you can just let things take their course, without having to be involved?

My mother wasn't as bad as yours but hinted at living with me. I couldn't do it. She had alienated her friend, the only one that was left, so I would ensure that she had food, all she had to do was heat it up, which she then ignored and left to rot and would sit and eat sweets instead. It wasn't easy but it had to be done. She wasn't a nice person and she never showed me any love in my entire life.

Just let her go, for your own good.