To wonder if my friend/bridesmaid is taking the piss?

[MrDarcyWillBeMine]

🤔 so we’ve been friends for ages! Since Secondary and DF has always been a bit - CF?
Would never contribute to petrol and then make everyone feel cheap for even asking! Also has a tendency to ‘preach’ her own point of view .... (which changes on a weekly basis). But it’s just her and we kind of loved her regardless!

Anyway- last week we had plans to meet for dinner but it didn’t happen (mutual lack of organising) . This week I’ve twisted my ankle and am struggling to get around.

So I asked DF to come over for dinner as her bridesmaid dress has also arrived and wrong sizes will need returning - DP loves to cook and (despite being a bridesmaid at my wedding in the summer) she’s yet to actually meet him! 🤔

DF agreed - but just sent me a message to say ‘let’s go out for dinner instead’, I reminded her that I can’t walk very well with my sore ankle. She replied that she doesn’t want to come and sit at my house when she could be out having fun (I have had to ‘sit at her house’ sooo many times when she wanted to). Apparently her PT job means she ‘can’t go out as much’ 🤔 and she’d rather see me when I’m back in perfect health! Also didn’t invite DP to join us!

When I mentioned that her dresses were here and that 2 of the 3 sizes she required to try on need returning so that I’m not sitting here £160 out of pocket - she said that she hadn’t ‘specifically’ agreed to come and try them on and I should pay more attention to the ‘specifics’!

Now DF and her parents are invited to the wedding and honestly I’m just having serious second thoughts - I’ve always found the friendship harder work than any other.

AIBU??

Glad you've made a plan. Good luck! Let us know how it goes x

@Hello

🤔 That’s exactly what I did.

I told her I’d be returning them this weekend so had to be tried on this week.

But despite highlighting two dates we’re both free she hasn’t committed to either - despite me being very Specific that I need to know!

I’m now debating ‘kicking off’ earlier and putting my foot down on Wednesday instead of waiting until the weekend.

if I don’t hear anything from her I’m going to send a message saying I find her behaviour very rude as DP and I would have made other plans!

Don't.
Don't do anything.
How long do you think it would take her to reply?
Return the dresses, and wait. Can we have a sweepstake - I reckon 2 weeks before you get something along the lines of "must catch up soon" with zero mention of wedding/dress/your DP.

Bin her ! She sounds like far too much stress and totally self-absorbed.
Friends should bring joy to your life and be there to prop you up when you need it (and vice versa)
She sounds like a total pain the jacksie - bin her and free yourself.

You're just playing out the same old patterns with her. By telling her she's being rude you're opening the door to her launching her attack about how there's more to life than your wedding. Don't you know how stressed she is, the world doesn't revolve around you and your man etc etc etc.

BUT if you go with Atalune's Hi DF, seems like you must have a ton of stuff on your plate as you cant seem to find the time to try on the dresses. Such a shame, but I totally understand that you have other things on. Don't worry about it. I have returned the dress now, and you are now simply "chief guest" ;). I hope the wedding planning hasn't stressed you too much, but you'll be glad now you're off the hook! Hope we can meet soon for a drink"

I'd nearly bet my house no one has ever called her bluff like that. I bet you'd get a sharpish reply! She's stringing you along because she's not arsed and she's used to getting her way. She's cast herself in the central role in everyone elses life.

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit is dead right. Don’t chase her up. Wait for her to get in touch with you. See how long it takes her to mention the dresses, or even if she does. That will tell you an awful lot about how much she cares about you/the wedding.

I’m 26 and this is a friend who has been in my life for 10 years 😂

I sacked a friendship off after 25 years. You don't have to accept her behaviour.

She behaves like this because she can get away with it. I would just send the dresses back and ignore her.

I’m 26 and this is a friend who has been in my life for 10 years

Don't let that cloud your vision.

I had a friend from 7 years old who I binned off at 30 because my eyes were finally opened to the fact that you don't have to maintain awful friends just because you've known them for so long.

Put your Marie Kondo head on!

Seriously OP she sounds like a drain. I couldn't be dealing with all that drama BS. Just send the dresses back and let her know.

She doesn't seem to value your friendship and maybe you'll feel better sorting this sooner rather than later.
Tell her wed for the dress. If no response tell her you've sent the dress back as this is obviously stressing her out and you'd like to see her relaxed at your wedding so she can come as a guest.
On that note, you're only inviting guests that both of you have met so to let you know when she can come round to meet dh and pick up invite etc.

She is showing you how much she values you. Which is not a lot, in your shoes I'd tell her she is no longer needed as bridesmaid and why before she gets a chance to ruin your day with her selfish behaviour.

"this is a friend who has been in my life for 10 years"

Two points -

1. Don't confuse 'long-time friend' with 'good friend' - the length of a relationship does not indicate its depth.

1. She's really not your friend, of any type. She's just a user.

Don't chase her. Return the dresses and when she mentions it you calmly inform her that they went back and as she wouldnt commit or reply to messages you took that as resignation.

OP Last year I stopped contact with an old friend who sounds really similar to your "friend" - really hard work and high maintenance. All about her. Didn't make me feel good about myself. Similar to your friend declaring she'd be MOH, she declared she'd be godparent and I had to put a stop to it by basically not having godparents or any adult bridesmaids to get round it. Etc etc. Hard work.

Friends shouldn't be hard work. Let go, you'll feel loads better. I'd hazard a guess she doesn't have any/many other old friends because she can't keep friends for that long?

captainpantbeard
Put your Marie Kondo head on!

This!!! She's not bringing you joy, stick her in the (metaphorical) bin

God I had this when my dB got married but I was told 'to buy your own dress/DC outfits' by sil so I did I'm a sp but ok-got to the wedding-theyd changed the sodding colours from red (my dress) and white (6 dcs outfits) to pink & blue-we looked like wallies-tell her to either make the effort or f*ck off-your wedding day-your rules she sounds a right cf

OP, it feels like you're over thinking this. Go round her house and ask her face-2-face if she wants to be your bridesmaid. You're pretty easy going as a bride but there is the bare minimum and she's not coming anywhere close. Tell her you're worried, be honest. Tell her she's behaving badly.

There's something going on with her clearly and your wedding is bringing out the worst in her (she sounds difficult anyway).

I'd give up second guessing and just give her the option to tell you what's going on.

I'd hazard and guess and say you are scared of confrontation, so would rather put up with this nonense rather than call her out on it. The best advice seems to be to send the dress back by deadline day of Wed then wait for her to contact you. There is no conflict this way. Are you worried that you feel you should have a longstanding friend as a bridesmaid because you are bothered about what people think? I ask, because if I reflect now I was a little like this and made the mistake of having an old (crap) friend as my CBM thinking a longstanding friend equates to a good friend. How wrong I was. Remember its your wedding day, value yourself and your fiancee and only have people taking part in it who love and respect you, simple as. You deserve more

So what if she says you are highly strung? Her opinion hardly matters.

5 pages in I need a cheeky bookmark post ...Absolutely hoping you send all those dresses back but rather than show even a hint of anger I'd go for the kill her with kindness option, drop in 'we are only inviting people we both have met' then never make the first contact with her again, leave her texts unanswered for days, be non commital, cancel any vague arrangements with no notice and let her do all the running ...... of course she will never meet DP and therefore not get an invite.

Drop all contact with this very toxic person.... you are worth so much more!

This song says it all!

You've got a lotta nerve to say you are my friend
When I was down you just stood there grinnin'
You've got a lotta nerve to say you got a helping hand to lend
You just want to be on the side that's winnin'

You say I let you down, ya know its not like that
If you're so hurt, why then don't you show it?
You say you've lost your faith, but that's not where its at
You have no faith to lose, and ya know it

I know the reason, that you talked behind my back
I used to be among the crowd you're in with
Do you take me for such a fool, to think I'd make contact
With the one who tries to hide what he don't know to begin with?

You see me on the street, you always act surprised
You say "how are you?", "good luck", but ya don't mean it
When you know as well as me, you'd rather see me paralyzed
Why don't you just come out once and scream it

No, I do not feel that good when I see the heartbreaks you embrace
If I was a master thief perhaps I'd rob them
And tho I know you're dissatisfied with your position and your place
Don't you understand, its not my problem?

I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes
And just for that one moment I could be you
Yes, I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes
You'd know what a drag it is to see you

OP, don't extend the deadline with your "friend" and just send the dress back. Wait for her to get in touch with you and the use one if these useful messages from pp. She's not worth you getting stressed about it.

Friends are supposed to add positives and happiness to your life.

Dump her. You've outgrown her.

Some people are drains, some radiators. Your friend is a drain; time to let go.