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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if my friend/bridesmaid is taking the piss?

252 replies

MrDarcyWillBeMine · 15/01/2019 16:11

🤔 so we’ve been friends for ages! Since Secondary and DF has always been a bit - CF?
Would never contribute to petrol and then make everyone feel cheap for even asking! Also has a tendency to ‘preach’ her own point of view .... (which changes on a weekly basis). But it’s just her and we kind of loved her regardless!

Anyway- last week we had plans to meet for dinner but it didn’t happen (mutual lack of organising) . This week I’ve twisted my ankle and am struggling to get around.

So I asked DF to come over for dinner as her bridesmaid dress has also arrived and wrong sizes will need returning - DP loves to cook and (despite being a bridesmaid at my wedding in the summer) she’s yet to actually meet him! 🤔

DF agreed - but just sent me a message to say ‘let’s go out for dinner instead’, I reminded her that I can’t walk very well with my sore ankle. She replied that she doesn’t want to come and sit at my house when she could be out having fun (I have had to ‘sit at her house’ sooo many times when she wanted to). Apparently her PT job means she ‘can’t go out as much’ 🤔 and she’d rather see me when I’m back in perfect health! Also didn’t invite DP to join us!

When I mentioned that her dresses were here and that 2 of the 3 sizes she required to try on need returning so that I’m not sitting here £160 out of pocket - she said that she hadn’t ‘specifically’ agreed to come and try them on and I should pay more attention to the ‘specifics’!

Now DF and her parents are invited to the wedding and honestly I’m just having serious second thoughts - I’ve always found the friendship harder work than any other.

AIBU??

OP posts:
Rafflesway · 16/01/2019 11:24

Not sure if anyone else has suggested this but from what you say about her Darcy I would be worried she may let you down at the 11th hour on your Wedding Day. 😥

I agree with many pp's and would try and "lose" her as a BM.

Pigflewpast · 16/01/2019 12:59

Ouch I hit my head on a brick wall. OP please listen to just about everybody. Stop being nice, stop giving her a chance, don’t wait until the end of next week. You have said she stresses you anyway, you have said you don’t really want her as bridesmaid, just send the message you liked from pp.
Personally I can’t imagine having a best friend, important enough to be my bridesmaid, who has never met, and has made it clear has no interest in meeting, the man you are marrying and spending the rest of your life with. The two most important people in your life have never met. I think that shows you how unimportant you are in her life.

Loki1983 · 16/01/2019 17:57

I had a friend like this. She wouldn’t come to our home and never invited us (DH and I) out as a couple. Nights out were always on her terms as a single group of girls. DH ended up feeling very hurt and I cut her out of my life.

EllenMP · 16/01/2019 17:59

Return all three dresses. If she asks about trying them on tell her you had to send them back and send her the link for the website. Tell her to buy the correct size dress herself and send you the receipt and you will reimburse her. If she isn't up to that organisational challenge then demote her to guest.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 16/01/2019 17:59

I don’t think I’d expect to be a bridesmaid if I hadn’t met the groom and had had opportunities to do so. Cheeky cow.

UniversalAunt · 16/01/2019 18:00

DP said ‘well you can’t un ask someone to be a bridesmaid’

Well, if you can un-ask someone to be your wife or husband, then you can surely let this person go.

Commonwasher · 16/01/2019 18:07

She does seem very uncooperative, even if she is able to be ‘sweet’ at times.

Is she not very happy being single and actually wish she was getting married - or that, probably more likely, you were both single together? I just wonder if her barbed remarks about wanting to be ‘out having fun’ (ie not at home being dull and domesticated) and not having to arrange her career around a man (ie compromise in a relationship) is her being prickly about you settling down and her not. And she is just making sure, testing you, to check you still will do the girly outings and she is not expected to play gooseberry in your couple-y-ness. I write as one who is right there in the coupledom now but I remember being a bit uncooperative when my sister got married as it seemed like she was doing the right/best/ideal thing and I was like an also-ran. It was my lack of self confidence, not because anyone said anything derogatory, but that’s what I felt like and I don’t think I dealt with it well. Maybe if you tell her you need the dresses trying on and it matters to her that she makes the effort to meet your DP, you could also say you hope she knows you’re relying on her for fun nights out even though you’re getting hitched - then she will know she is not getting the elbow even if your lifestyles are changing?

If she is still ungracious and uncooperative after this type of olive branch, and if she cannot get over herself and meet your partner, I would struggle to find a reason to include her in the wedding party, or even as a friend. I hope either way you enjoy your wedding x

MulticolourMophead · 16/01/2019 18:09

OP, I agree she's jealous, as pp have said. And probably wasn't happy about not being MOH.

If the dress issue is resolved, there'll be something else. Some drama around the hen night, or even some drama on the day. Anything that takes the focus off you and onto her.

Take one of the previously suggested messages and drop her as BM now. She'll ruin your wedding otherwise.

toria6118 · 16/01/2019 18:31

Sweetheart, return the dresses, ALL of them, and get this piece of work out of your life. She sounds like an extremely high maintenance person, get rid. Best wishes for your wedding FlowersWineCake

mlrmummy1 · 16/01/2019 18:33

Why was she selected as a bridesmaid??

Maybe send a text back saying you thought it would be nice for her to meet your hubby to be before the wedding and a casual meal at yours would be nice?

Then say if she doesn’t think she has the time for dress fittings etc then you’d understand if she’d rather attend as a guest rather than a member of the wedding party, put the onus on her.

DeniseRoyal · 16/01/2019 18:42

Seriously OP, grow a backbone and get her to fuck. She is not a friend but a vile individual who seems to enjoy making you feel inferior. She will ruin your wedding if you don't get rid of her now, and you will wish you had listened to the advice of your fellow mumsnetters!!

KeiTeNgeNge · 16/01/2019 18:59

Why wait a few weeks?

Meece · 16/01/2019 19:00

Being an adult bridesmaid is about supporting and celebrating with the bride. You deserve better than this. Please just let her go x

jade19 · 16/01/2019 19:21

I would just say to her about popping in quickly to try the dresses on before she goes out. Express your only have so long to return them in and If she doesn't do it soon you will be stuck with dresses. If her response is still no ( in whatever way she writes it.) Then I would tell her that yiur sending them all back and she can no longer be a bridesmaid!

Tistheseason17 · 16/01/2019 19:32

I unasked a bridesmaid. Easy. Friendships grow apart.
"(Not so) DF, our friendship has changed and I no longer wish you to be my BM or come to my wedding. Friend's aren't usually bored in each other's company and a BM is supposed to make it easier. You are not. I wish you well with your future friendships where you are not bored. No hard feelings, have a great life, mwah!"

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 16/01/2019 19:46

Op I uninvited mil - you can ltb
Loose the bridesmaid!

PinkPanther27 · 16/01/2019 19:56

Return the dresses then say is this specific enough? What a CF!

Reallyevilmuffin · 16/01/2019 20:33

Technically you didn't 'ask' her to be a bridesmaid in the first place.

Catwaving · 16/01/2019 20:53

Watch "Kath and Kim" on Netflix, you're Sharon

It's very funny, and you'll see what I mean!

UniversalAunt · 16/01/2019 21:03

Watch "Kath and Kim" on Netflix, you're Sharon

Good call.😎

UniversalAunt · 16/01/2019 21:03

Actually, I reckon both Kath and Kim are MNetters...

TriciaH87 · 16/01/2019 21:15

Tell her the choice is hers she either comes for dinner to meet your partner and try her dress to be in the wedding party or you will need to return them all because you cannot risk losing all that money in which case she won't have a dress to be bridesmaid. Point out an important part of being in a wedding is knowing both people not meeting the groom when she walks up the aisle ahead of you.

sophiec123 · 16/01/2019 21:27

Urgh, she sounds horrible!

After her "next week" reply, I'd simply reply saying "I need to get them sorted as they need to be returned by... Cousin is trying hers on ... can you come along then? Unless you want me to send them all back and you order your own?"

magoria · 16/01/2019 21:46

Ultimately the only one who can change this status is you.

The longer and more often you do the 'reasonable thing' the longer and more often she will carry on taking the piss.

Once (if) you put your foot down there will be fallout. Now, tomorrow, next week, next month. Doesn't matter when. She will make you out to be the unreasonable one and she will be the victim.

user1472482328 · 16/01/2019 22:16

Not sure, if it was me, that I’d want a friend like her. If she’s like this now, before your wedding, what is she going to be like on your big day. I would push her for a day when she’s going to try on the dresses and if she cannot commit then just send them back.
I really do think she’s acting like a spoilt brat. This wedding is between you and your partner and that is all that matters. You really don’t need someone like her causing you aggravation. Try to sort it out now before it all gets out of hand .

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