To wonder if my friend/bridesmaid is taking the piss?

[MrDarcyWillBeMine]

🤔 so we’ve been friends for ages! Since Secondary and DF has always been a bit - CF?
Would never contribute to petrol and then make everyone feel cheap for even asking! Also has a tendency to ‘preach’ her own point of view .... (which changes on a weekly basis). But it’s just her and we kind of loved her regardless!

Anyway- last week we had plans to meet for dinner but it didn’t happen (mutual lack of organising) . This week I’ve twisted my ankle and am struggling to get around.

So I asked DF to come over for dinner as her bridesmaid dress has also arrived and wrong sizes will need returning - DP loves to cook and (despite being a bridesmaid at my wedding in the summer) she’s yet to actually meet him! 🤔

DF agreed - but just sent me a message to say ‘let’s go out for dinner instead’, I reminded her that I can’t walk very well with my sore ankle. She replied that she doesn’t want to come and sit at my house when she could be out having fun (I have had to ‘sit at her house’ sooo many times when she wanted to). Apparently her PT job means she ‘can’t go out as much’ 🤔 and she’d rather see me when I’m back in perfect health! Also didn’t invite DP to join us!

When I mentioned that her dresses were here and that 2 of the 3 sizes she required to try on need returning so that I’m not sitting here £160 out of pocket - she said that she hadn’t ‘specifically’ agreed to come and try them on and I should pay more attention to the ‘specifics’!

Now DF and her parents are invited to the wedding and honestly I’m just having serious second thoughts - I’ve always found the friendship harder work than any other.

AIBU??

Please don't give this woman any more chances. I had a friend who behaved like this towards me. Had a face like thunder and did everything to undermine me around my wedding. The final straw was when she turned up late to my hen night and told everyone how ill she was as she was so drunk the night before and nursed a Coke all night, didn't speak, didn't crack a smile. It was all a performance to distract attention from me because she couldn't even let me have one day. People like this are poison, cut her off now as this is just the start of her attempts to sabotage your big day. Ignore these signs at your peril.

Whatever you do don't offer to pay for a dress of her choice, she'll buy something expensive that won't suit the wedding but that she can wear for future events.

Tbf I may just wait until they ‘need’ to go back and then return them. If she doesn’t manage to try one on before then I’ll tell her to order her own and I’ll judt give her the cost back!

For goodness sake, don't do this, even if she suggests it off her own bat. She's go off and buy some monstrosity that screams "Look at me!" or spend a fortune and demand to be paid repaid in full, or both.

I don't see why you feel you can't withdraw the bridesmaid invitation. She's made it pretty clear she's not that interested.

I wouldn't say nothing, OP - you will end up as the villain.

But you need to be stronger with her - if the last you have heard is "some time next week" then reply firmly but politely. Something along the lines of "Next week is too late. XXX is trying hers on Friday. I will need to return the ones we don't need on Saturday. If you can't get over before then, I will send the dresses back and I'll be fine with just my cousin."

No "sorry". You don't need to be sorry.

If she didn't turn up and graciously try on the dresses and hang out with you as a friend should, then return ALL the dresses and tell her she can't be a bridesmaid any more. She refused to help you make a decision on size, so the choice had to be taken away from her as they had to go back, so she's out.

If she strops and says she's not coming at all then, then count yourself lucky.

she sounds selfish, immature and unreliable. Maybe she realises she is one of your few friends and thinks she can get away with being an arsehole to you sometimes.

pictish I could have wrote your post from 17:something yesterday word for word. I had that friend.

OP and your post from 23:18 last night explains exactly how that friend used to make me feel.

It was 13 years ago when I cut my friend loose and I can honestly say that whilst sometimes I miss the laughs we used to have and that connection to such a massive period of my life, I have not one single regret about walking away from what was, in hindsight, a totally toxic relationship that did nothing but hold me back.

It would be such a shame if the final nail in the coffin for you was that she completely ruined your wedding day. I urge you to pull her up on her attitude and behaviour now and risk that fallout now. It can be heartbreaking to walk away from a friendship with all that history trust me, but it might be the right thing to do. She sounds so utterly selfish and a PP is right, you are her audience. Don’t pander to her.

You have received some good advice on this thread, please listen to it.

Just message her and say "actually, don't worry about the dress - we decided we only want one bridesmaid, which will be my neice, so you're off the hook for being a bridesmaid". Then return the dress and slowly distance yourself from this nasty woman

Agree with this. Present her with a polite fait accompli. Don’t give her options. She doesn’t value you enough to behave respectfully and obviously doesn’t make you feel good so please don’t let her taint your big day.

So she assumed she was going to be MOH - it’s all me,me,me isn’t it. Like Jam’s text - give her a couple of days and then send that.

She is telling you who she is, listen up !
If she is behaving like this now, she isn't reliable.
Release her from her duties, you'll feel instantly uplifted.
She is presently a controlling burden, who invited herself to be your bridesmaid. Keep her and her parents as guests only.

Please send the suggested message that @Riv put together. It's clear, kind and releases her from being your bridesmaid. Send the dresses back and if you still want her there on the day, she can be a guest and not part of the bridal party.

As for your DP saying you can't rescind the offer of being a bridesmaid, you most certainly can.

Find your Spanx, hoik them up and tell her!

For heavens sake a) drop her from being a bridesmaid and b) consider dropping her from your life. It doesn't sound like you want to do (b) although I can't see why. You seem to think she's 'sweet' despite her rude, tight, entitled, critical behaviour. She sounds like an absolute cow and very hard work. Why even bother? If she can't be arsed to try on a the dress and won't come to you when you've hurt your ankle as she'd rather be 'out having fun' she doesn't sound like much of a friend and she'll be a shit bridesmaid. Seriously, raise the bar higher - unless you literally have no other friends and are clutching at straws.

If you don't cut this toxic shit of a friend loose now,she will ruin your wedding day .

It wont just ruin it for you though, think of your DP and family that will be exposed to her selfish , demanding behaviour.

You need to have a frank exchange of views, starting with you sending back the dresses and not having her as a BM. If she kicks off , explain that you can't have the uncertainty that she brings.

If you carry on with this friendship, you will only have yourself to blame when she ruins the biggest day of your life.

No no no. Get rid. She should not be dictating what the timings are for YOUR wedding plans. Get rid! It’s only going to get worse. She doesn’t want to be your bridesmaid!!!

Send a text and be assertive. Gotta had a good one. You need to call the shots not lurk forlornly in the shadows

Never thought this is ever a phrase that could/should be said but channel your inner bridezilla and just say that the bridesmaid thing is causing you too much anxiety so you're sending the dresses back and not bothering.

Just keep your cousin. If 'D'F goes off in a huff after your wedding, then so be it. If you think she'll cause a scene at the wedding, then either uninvite or have someone primed to deal with her.

Your bridesmaids are supposed to be their to help and support you, not cause you distress. The clue is in the name bride's maid

Seems to me that many weddings throw up this kind of issue, perhaps it's a natural learning curve for younger people, having to deal with this at a crunch time. I've only recently (I'm in my 40s) come to see that some people don't deserve the title of friend just because I've known them a long time. That's all it is with them, a long term familiarity, not a solid friendship of mutual respect. I've just unfriended a couple of people like that and I hope never to hear from them again. Vain, selfish, arrogant people, when we met up last summer I spent about 4 hours just being shouted at with their self centred, repeated garbage being foghorned out. That's all they know, my feelings don't matter and they sat their laughing about winding me up years ago. I said, well that used to annoy me actually. They eithr didn't hear or didn't care, completely ignored, again. Then before xmas one made a long fb post saying how they were going to have a friend cull, clearly this included me from their very specific wording. However, I was not culled 'over the holidays' - their words. Well, thanks so much for hanging that over me at a really difficult time of year. So I deleted them, it was the final straw. There was even grief competition going on, I'd lost a friend in November, so they apparently lost their oldest friend just after. I now suspect that person was made up to compete with me. And they are such an empath and so smart in their own mind. Nah mate, you're a narcisstice twat and I don't miss you, your judgement and your self absorbed crap. Don't leave it another 20 years to do the same, just because you've known her a long time. This is your day and your life, you can disinvite anyone you like.

there not their, doh.

'Cousin has tried on the dresses and we have come to the conclusion that, we will just have one 'official' bridesmaid, much more in tune with the relaxed chilled out day we have in mind. So you are free to come dressed as you wish and to relax on the day and enjoy yourself, as the official best friend, just not dressed as a lady in waiting, which feels rather old fashioned, don't you think!'

This is a great suggestion. My Sis had a high maintenance BM at her wedding last year, and she really ruined her day. From being a pain in the arse over dresses, to being rude to our hairdresser friend and generally attention seeking, my DSis really regrets having her.

DO NOT let her choose her own dress.

@jampasty

YES! I love that and it would totally wrong foot her as she’s always preaching about ‘modern feminism’ - (but describes the men she dated to me in terms of how much they earn/ how hot they are 🤔)

I have coped this and will keep hold of if incase she doesn’t make it to try on the dresses.

I have decided to be ‘reasonable’ and give it until the end of next week (well within the returns window) - I won’t message her though and if she does come and try it- fine
If she doesn’t then I shall ditch!

*copied

DP said ‘well you can’t un ask someone to be a bridesmaid’

That's ridiculous. Of course you can. And you can uninvite someone from a wedding. And you can call an entire wedding off. It's a wedding, not a legal obligation.

She's going to ruin your wedding. Tell her that you've decided to have just one bridesmaid or whatever. Stop being so wet.

@MrDarcyWillBeMine Stop for a moment and ask yourself this.

If you could have this friendship disappear, just vanish without any of the worry and stress it causes would you do it? I suspect your answer would be yes.

So for the sake of your own mental health, follow the excellent advice upthread and ditch this woman.

Hi Lola, I was inviting you over to my house to meet DP which i think is important as you will be part of the wedding party on the big day. I'm sorry if you feel coming round my house for dinner is not fun for you but i was looking forward to it and I am a bit hurt you feel like this.

Re, bridesmaid dresses, you need to try them on before x date because otherwise i will be £160 out of pocket and i cannot afford to waste that money on a dress which you can't even wear, on top of all the other wedding costs. If you can't make it i'll have to return them all which will be a real shame because i do want you to still be my bridesmaid.

She will turn up just within your deadline and then it will be on to the next drama.

She is jealous of you and despite loving you I suspect, she can’t handle your relationship.

Honestly OP your fears about this are real amd it isn’t your day and you’re one shot to have a brilliant day

Don’t put her in a position where she’s can ruin it for you

The text about letting her off the hook is perfect.

Do it now and save yourself endless ongoing stress