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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if my friend/bridesmaid is taking the piss?

252 replies

MrDarcyWillBeMine · 15/01/2019 16:11

🤔 so we’ve been friends for ages! Since Secondary and DF has always been a bit - CF?
Would never contribute to petrol and then make everyone feel cheap for even asking! Also has a tendency to ‘preach’ her own point of view .... (which changes on a weekly basis). But it’s just her and we kind of loved her regardless!

Anyway- last week we had plans to meet for dinner but it didn’t happen (mutual lack of organising) . This week I’ve twisted my ankle and am struggling to get around.

So I asked DF to come over for dinner as her bridesmaid dress has also arrived and wrong sizes will need returning - DP loves to cook and (despite being a bridesmaid at my wedding in the summer) she’s yet to actually meet him! 🤔

DF agreed - but just sent me a message to say ‘let’s go out for dinner instead’, I reminded her that I can’t walk very well with my sore ankle. She replied that she doesn’t want to come and sit at my house when she could be out having fun (I have had to ‘sit at her house’ sooo many times when she wanted to). Apparently her PT job means she ‘can’t go out as much’ 🤔 and she’d rather see me when I’m back in perfect health! Also didn’t invite DP to join us!

When I mentioned that her dresses were here and that 2 of the 3 sizes she required to try on need returning so that I’m not sitting here £160 out of pocket - she said that she hadn’t ‘specifically’ agreed to come and try them on and I should pay more attention to the ‘specifics’!

Now DF and her parents are invited to the wedding and honestly I’m just having serious second thoughts - I’ve always found the friendship harder work than any other.

AIBU??

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 22/01/2019 17:42

You are dragging this out.
Friends don't behave like this.
Can you really imagine being friends in 10 years? Think about the wedding photos and this bridesmaid who wasn't and isn't your friend being part of your forever memories?

Bin her.

LucyFox · 22/01/2019 19:57

I’d take a totally different approach, the overly sugary kill with kindness type, & send her a text:
“Dear Katie, I must apologise for hassling you. I have been so excited about my forthcoming wedding and having you as my bridesmaid that I didn’t take time to realise how stressful it must be for you. I am sorry for putting you under pressure to try on the dresses - I realise that you are very busy & have far more important things to do, so please don’t worry about it any more & just come to the wedding as a guest.
Hope we can catch up soon"

LucyFox · 22/01/2019 20:02

I’d even be tempted to add “of course I fully understand if you wouldn’t feel comfortable attending when you haven’t met George yet” or “I look forward to introducing my husband to you - it’s funny to think that the first time you meet him we’ll already be married!”

losingfaith · 22/01/2019 23:16

@MrDarcyWillBeMine you've said you have a deadline and she hasn't replied. Unfortunately she sounds flakey at best. Either that or there is an element of envy and / or her simply not wanting to be bridesmaid and / or her feeling like she has outgrown the friendship and doesn't quite know how to communicate this - I've seen the latter and it was painful to watch play out.

Regardless, IF she was a true friend she'd have got back to you by now.

RabbityMcRabbit · 23/01/2019 10:15

OP I think I'd be done with her by this point. She is meant to be your best friend but isn't acting even like a good friend and you don't want to feel anxious on your wedding day because of her.

haloumi · 23/01/2019 14:22

Sack her off. ..

She's a CC

lola006 · 23/01/2019 18:10

@MrDarcyWillBeMine - wasn’t today the day? Is she coming round to try on her dress?

YouDancin · 24/01/2019 14:03

Did she turn up last night to try on the dress?

BluebellsareBlue · 24/01/2019 20:22

Hi OP. Did the CF come round to you?

emzw12 · 24/01/2019 20:30

Yes tell us the outcome...

melisma · 24/01/2019 20:46

OP she is not a true friend. I know this seems hard but you have given yourself the answer by admitting you feel anxious and uncomfortable around her - do you really want to feel like that on your wedding day?

DaffodilsAreHereAgain · 28/01/2019 15:22

So, did she come over in the end?

WhatchaMaCalllit · 29/01/2019 16:21

@MrDarcyWillBeMine - did she show up on Wednesday to try on the dress? Have you given her the heave-ho? Hope you're getting things sorted now.

cakewench · 29/01/2019 19:23

I feel as if you'd have updated if you went through with the binning of the bridesmaid. I need to know what has happened, regardless!

Original poster
MrDarcyWillBeMine · 30/01/2019 07:46

Sorry for the late update - been a very busy few days - catering apt, flower girls and hired decor all sorted now though!

She did not come.

On the Wednesday (the first of the two days I was holding open for her) I got an apologetic message asking to reschedule to the following week.

I said we could meet for a coffee or something (no intention to) but the dresses were all being returned on the Friday.

I stuck to my word and returned them.

Friend has sent me multiple ‘sweet’ messages since and I’ve not kicked off but equally given her the cold shoulder.

She asked what she should do about dresses. I told her she could order (the dress I have picked out) online closer to the time. However was very non comital about this and did not offer to refund the money.

We both know it won’t happen but she (self confessed) is in a ‘bad place’ right now (a couple of mutual friends have flagged their concern about her also) so I’m reluctant to ‘bin her off’ harshly.

I don’t think she’ll be a bridesmaid. If she goes through all the faf of ordering/returning/getting altered her own dress...frankly I’d faint with surprise!

OP posts:
FlirtyRomanticToast · 30/01/2019 07:54

Thanks for the update Mr.Darcy, hopefully this mentally draining 'friend' will take up less of your energy now. Best of luck with the rest of your wedding plans Wine

1MillionSelfiesTakenByMyKids · 30/01/2019 08:33

Another one saying I had a friend like this. Assumed she would be a bm when I wasn't going to ask her. I let her and she was a complete fucking misery. Missed the hen do (such as it was. Just a dinner i paid for) Turned up to get ready late on the day having arrived back from abroad at 4am. Moaned about being tired all day. Criticised the wedding. The BM gift I gave her. Our honeymoon choice. Insulted my dh's friends.
More than ten years later friends who were guests at our wedding still talk about the 'sour faced BM'. needless to say it's also been that long since I last saw her or talked to her. She may have had issues God knows her childhood wasn't a bed of roses but you still don't treat your friends like that.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 30/01/2019 08:41

She may well be in a "bad place" at the moment. That doesn't compel you to be friends with her though - harsh as it sounds!

I am sceptical, because from the outset you've said that she's always been like this - so "bad place" or not, it's unlikely that she'd treat you any differently.

Look up the sunk costs fallacy. Don't make the mistake of thinking that 10 years means you need to throw everything at it to try and maintain a friendship that sounds as if it's been one-sided from the get-go.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 30/01/2019 08:42

Oh and you don't need to bin her off harshly - just be less available, increase the distance and don't commit to anything.

Bringbackthestripes · 30/01/2019 08:55

She asked what she should do about dresses. I told her she could order (the dress I have picked out) online closer to the time. However was very non comital about this and did not offer to refund the money

Good for you.
Bad place or not it sounds like she would be the same. Agree with pp, just be distanced & less available. Just because you have known her 10 years, doesn’t mean you have to put up with her sh*t for the next 30 years.

altiara · 30/01/2019 10:19

OP remember that you didn’t ask her to be bridesmaid in the first place. So stay strong and be sickly sweet back to her. In fact just practise saying I don’t want bridesmaids or something.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/01/2019 16:24

"We both know it won’t happen but she (self confessed) is in a ‘bad place’ right now (a couple of mutual friends have flagged their concern about her also) so I’m reluctant to ‘bin her off’ harshly."
Bad place my arse. The penny has dropped that you are not running around after her, placating her. What will she do to become the centre of your attention, as she feels entitled to be? 'Ooh, I'll pretend I need care and attention.' Puts on a performance to your mutual friends and sits back waiting for you to run after her again. She's a self-absorbed little madam.

Yulebealrite · 30/01/2019 17:11

Civil, polite but less available to her unless she does a lot of the running.

You've handled it well op.

MrsBertBibby · 30/01/2019 19:29

OP, I had a dear dear friend like this. I prioritised her over so many other friends, but looking back, she never made me feel good about myself.

Taking control and binning her off has been the most liberating experience of my life.

20 years of friendship, and I never looked back.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 31/01/2019 10:34

I was wondering what had happened with this cheeky bridesmaid. Well done on returning the dresses.

In relation to your comment: She asked what she should do about dresses. I told her she could order (the dress I have picked out) online closer to the time. I would have replied to her query "Oh, you don't need to worry about dresses. You seem like you're not in a great place at the moment and I wouldn't want to burden you with the responsibility of being a bridesmaid so I'll be sending you an invitation as a guest so you can just relax and enjoy the wedding by being a guest" and just like that, she isn't a bridesmaid any more and can still be a friend.....perhaps.

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