To wonder if my friend/bridesmaid is taking the piss?

[MrDarcyWillBeMine]

🤔 so we’ve been friends for ages! Since Secondary and DF has always been a bit - CF?
Would never contribute to petrol and then make everyone feel cheap for even asking! Also has a tendency to ‘preach’ her own point of view .... (which changes on a weekly basis). But it’s just her and we kind of loved her regardless!

Anyway- last week we had plans to meet for dinner but it didn’t happen (mutual lack of organising) . This week I’ve twisted my ankle and am struggling to get around.

So I asked DF to come over for dinner as her bridesmaid dress has also arrived and wrong sizes will need returning - DP loves to cook and (despite being a bridesmaid at my wedding in the summer) she’s yet to actually meet him! 🤔

DF agreed - but just sent me a message to say ‘let’s go out for dinner instead’, I reminded her that I can’t walk very well with my sore ankle. She replied that she doesn’t want to come and sit at my house when she could be out having fun (I have had to ‘sit at her house’ sooo many times when she wanted to). Apparently her PT job means she ‘can’t go out as much’ 🤔 and she’d rather see me when I’m back in perfect health! Also didn’t invite DP to join us!

When I mentioned that her dresses were here and that 2 of the 3 sizes she required to try on need returning so that I’m not sitting here £160 out of pocket - she said that she hadn’t ‘specifically’ agreed to come and try them on and I should pay more attention to the ‘specifics’!

Now DF and her parents are invited to the wedding and honestly I’m just having serious second thoughts - I’ve always found the friendship harder work than any other.

AIBU??

Return the dresses. Tell her you need a definite date for early this coming week. If she refuses send them back. My cousin did and didn't regret it.

You don't sound ballsy but even the most assertive people tend to have a weakness, one person who makes them less so. You give her a date you will send back the dresses for next week. If she choses not to come she has resigned from being a bridesmaid.

Weddings can be so stressful and bring out the worst in people!

I think she is jealous and by the sounds of it not a very good friend.

I was super picky on bridesmaids you need to remember they will be prominent in photos!

I would politely say you have decided to just have family as bridesmaids. I would let the invite for the day for her and the parents stand and then back off after. Having her in more background photos will be much better, than the of her being in important ones if a bridesmaid and then the friendship breaks down!

I got anxious about my wedding (family issues) trust me on the day you will be walking on air and won’t care about Jane being jealous in the corner 😝

OP I had a friend who sounds very similar to your friend. Over the years she would periodically create dramas to get things her own way and I was always very laid back as a friend and didn't want to indulge in any drama so just went along with her on many occasions. I wasn't a doormat but there were many things I just wasn't bothered enough about either way to end up falling out over it. Gradually though I began to see that it was me making most of the effort, most of the time to maintain our friendship. If I hadn't been in touch for a while she would get in touch and we would pick up where we left off in a way old friends do, and have a laugh and a joke. She was my one remaining semi close friend from my teenage years.... I lost touch with any others. So out of sentimentality I always wanted to maintain our friendship for that reason. Even though she made very little effort to be a supportive friend. The big test was when I met my husband. She made less and less contact (we didn't live close by) and so I was the one always instigating contact. Then when we announced our engagement and were planning our wedding abroad she said she would love to come verbally on the phone. But invites went out and the rsvp date came and went without any response from her. I chased her up after a few weeks and she fobbed me off by text for a while saying she would be going but might book flights a bit later. I honestly didn't mind if none of my guests could make it, it was my choice to do it abroad and I understand it can be a big expense, so I was always very clear that I totally understood if people couldn't make it. What I did object to was her messing me around for months, right up until the last minute when she eventually said she wasn't coming. But even then I made excuses for her behaviour. I was relaxed about it and didn't make a fuss. I just said we would have a party on our return and see her then. Following that a few things occurred to make me realise she really couldn't care less about our friendship. She didn't once send me a message or a card or gift to wish me luck on my wedding day. We told people invited to the wedding that we didn't want gifts, as it was expensive enough to attend a wedding abroad (destination in Europe, so not too far but still). I'm also not at all grabby so really wouldn't have batted an eyelid if no one sent wedding gifts regardless of attending or not attending the wedding. All we wanted was for a few close friends and family to attend and that's all that mattered to us. But I did feel hurt that she couldn't even send a message to wish me luck on my wedding day and didn't even send a card. Even then, I didn't end the friendship. When we returned from the wedding I went about organising a party in my home town for all those who couldn't make it and she was of course invited along with her partner who I'd never met. She was one of the few at the party that actually lived in the town where this party was.... other friends and family came from a bit further away to attend the party. She arrived at the party and we had a chat, I introduced her to my husband and told them to grab some food from the buffet and I'd catch up with her in a bit as lots of people were arriving and I needed to greet them all as they arrived. She seemed happy with that. They both filled their plates with food and sat down I noticed. Within half an hour of them arriving, my other friend told me she'd seen them just leave. I went to the lobby of the hotel to see if I could see her and she was indeed leaving. I asked her why she was leaving and she didn't even have a good excuse. She just said they were going to head off. It was the final straw for me. I'd given her so many chances and made so much effort for her and she couldn't even attend my wedding party in the town she lives in... 10 mins walk from her house in fact. I thought afterwards that she may have seen some of my family members bringing gifts/cards etc and got embarrassed that she hadn't brought anything. I honestly don't know if that's the case. But I wasn't bothered whether she brought a gift/card or not to the party, I just wanted to see her and catch up as it had been a while. Anyway, that was the end of her friendship really. We had no big falling out though. I just didn't ever contact her again. We're still friends on Facebook and she likes photos I post occasionally but I've got no time for her anymore because she's never made much of an effort for me and I saw through her eventually. I hung on for a long time due to nostalgia for her being my oldest friend. But I can honestly say I've not missed our friendship really as it actually wasn't a really good friendship I realised. I keep people in my life now who make an effort for me and support me in the same way I do them. I have a feeling that if you get past this episode with your friend then your eyes have been opened a little now and you'll gradually realise its not worth keeping up this friendship. I just hope she doesnt cause too much anxiety in the lead up to your wedding and on your wedding day. x

Oh, couldn’t resist a bit of Kath & Kim wedding dress.

Sounds like she doesn't want to be your Bridesmaid, after all she wont be centre of attention.

Your friend sounds like a bit of a dick to be honest, and is being very selfish and rude in this situation.

However, you've said she has other great qualities so... Maybe just return the dresses and forget about it, let her sort herself out? You've got enough to worry about planning a wedding without her making it more difficult

She's no friend, dump her, one of my friend's had to have an operation on her foot a while back she was house bound for six week's, there is four of us friend's altogether, we decided that one of us would visit her on a certain day and take lunch, so for 3 afternoon's a week she had company, that's what true friend's do for one another, when her foot healed we all when out for dinner had a great time, you don't need a friend like her tell her she's no longer needed at your wedding, i certainly would, GOOD LUCK.

I had a friend a bit like this. Snide and barbed comments happened a lot. I cut her a lot of slack because I knew she had low self esteem, but it was hard work. I arranged a really low key hen do and she tried to tailor the timings to her own schedule and also demanded that the drinking be kept to a minimum because she was pregnant and couldn’t drink.

The scales fell from my eyes at that point. She didn’t have to come if it was difficult for her, but instead of opting out she wanted to act the martyr. I realised she hadn’t said or done anything nice for me for a long time. That was the end for me.

@MrDarcyWillBeMine - is today the day that your cousin will be trying on her dress?

I'd make a call on whether you want your friend to be a bridesmaid based on how the fitting with your cousin goes. You could have this situation sorted before you finish up for the weekend, this weekend, if you wanted to.

Listen to what everyone has said. I had a friend like this who acted an arse about being my chief bridesmaid and you know what I tolerated this and lots of other slights over the years (17 more years) until I finally said enough six months ago. Life is so much better without her in it!! My only regret is not doing it sooner tbh. Give her the deadline, if she responds back in her own time, say sorry I said I'd have to send them back by Fri so thats what I've done. Its easier and less hassle for me to just have my cousin as bridesmaid. If she rants and raves, so.what. She clearly doesnt like or respect you.

I'm hard pushed to believe she has any awesome moments TBH, stop being a doormat and feel with her.

Is she your only friend? Because that's not a good enough reason to out up with her behaviour and you need to stop normalizing it.

I can't believe she hasn't even met your DP? She's clearly NOT a good friend and I've no idea why you're making excuses for her?

Sorry for the spelling mistakes... I've lost my glasses!

Any update OP?
For what it’s worth - I’d send the dresses back and if your friend mentioned it (what with you being so boring that she can’t come to your house) then I’d mention you’ve decided you’ll only have x as BM. If she complains then 1) she didn’t try on the dresses so take it she's not interested 2) wasn’t actually asked to be BM 3) hasn’t met groom.
To get honest, the dresses isn’t the worst bit at all, it’s the not meeting the groom and assuming she’s key to your wedding.
Good luck!

So cousin tried on yesterday as planned!
Loved the dress but I’ll need to order her a shorter length!

I messaged DF on Thursday offering two dates/time DP and I could meet her this week. She vaguely said yes (confirmed she isn’t working) but didn’t ‘specify’ which she wanted to do.

I sent another message on Saturday chasing her about it. Saying WHICH of these two are we doing as DP has a friend who lives abroad in town and we needed the extra night to see him.

Nothing!

Honestly I’m on the edge of just sending a ‘well fuck your then’ message.

Especially since I saw her ‘online’ all yesterday afternoon but not reading or responding to my messages!

• I only sent a chaser as otherwise I’ll get a ‘you’re totally over reacting- I just didn’t see your message’ response from her!

Or a

‘Well I figured we just weren’t doing it- you didn’t mention anything after our convo’

Honestly I’m on the edge of just sending a ‘well fuck your then’ message.

You'd be well within your rights to. She's taking the piss.

You should kill her with kindness-

Hi DF, seems like you must have a ton of stuff on your plate as you cant seem to find the time to try on the dresses. Such a shame, but I totally understand that you have other things on. Don't worry about it. I have returned the dress now, and you are now simply "chief guest" ;). I hope the wedding planning hasn't stressed you too much, but you'll be glad now you're off the hook! Hope we can meet soon for a drink"

Yes do the above. I thought she may reply but she hasn't. Say I need to return the dresses now as I won't get my refund and I need to do the shorter one and I don't have much time to sort this all out. Nevermind eh! Then don't message her again.

OP it really shouldn't be this difficult.

Just tell her she is off the hook.

Job done.

I really wouldn't give a toss what her reaction would be.

Just return the dresses. Don't get in touch. Leave it up to her. When / if she does make contact see whether she is showing any interest in meeting DP. If she isn't leave her texts unanswered for a few days then send her vague responses. Demote her to guest but do this face to face.

OP, come on. I’ve been following this thread from the start. She is NOT a true friend. It can be hard to move on when there is a history and memories of fun times, but with every update it’s obvious she doesn’t give a shit about you.

Stop chasing. Send the dresses back. If she actually texts/phones at some point to ask about the dress all you have go do is say that you tried hard to give options of dates for her to come round, you were ignored and have chosen to just have cousin as a bridesmaids.

Make a decision about when you'll meet your DPs friend & tell her that you now only have one day/time option left. Let her know that if you don't hear from her you'll assume she no longer wants to be BM and send all the dresses back, no hard feelings (even if there might well be as she is being a pita) but you've too many other things to organize and need to be able to tick BM dresses off your list.

You've def given her enough chances now. Ditch her. Send a polite but firm message and distance yourself. Don't be drawn into drama just ignore it and concentrate on yourself and people that matter.

Don't let her spoil your day.

I totally get why you all think ‘it shouldn’t be this hard’ but at the same time- I’m 26 and this is a friend who has been in my life for 10 years 😂

I get that I should just throw in the towel but I want to feel very justified doing so.

I’m gonna wait until Wednesday (the first of the two she vaguely agreed to) if I don’t hear anything from her I’m going to send a message saying I find her behaviour very rude as DP and I would have made other plans! Then I shall return the dresses and mention nothing else about it!

She’s the type of friend who no matter how reasonable my point of view will make out that I am simply being ‘too highly strung’!

You seem to be somewhat milking this.
I don't understand why you haven't just been clear already and said,
Dresses need to be tried by xx date, if you don't do it by then i will assume you don't want to be bridesmaid and it will be retuned without replacing.
No drama required.