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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if my friend/bridesmaid is taking the piss?

252 replies

MrDarcyWillBeMine · 15/01/2019 16:11

🤔 so we’ve been friends for ages! Since Secondary and DF has always been a bit - CF?
Would never contribute to petrol and then make everyone feel cheap for even asking! Also has a tendency to ‘preach’ her own point of view .... (which changes on a weekly basis). But it’s just her and we kind of loved her regardless!

Anyway- last week we had plans to meet for dinner but it didn’t happen (mutual lack of organising) . This week I’ve twisted my ankle and am struggling to get around.

So I asked DF to come over for dinner as her bridesmaid dress has also arrived and wrong sizes will need returning - DP loves to cook and (despite being a bridesmaid at my wedding in the summer) she’s yet to actually meet him! 🤔

DF agreed - but just sent me a message to say ‘let’s go out for dinner instead’, I reminded her that I can’t walk very well with my sore ankle. She replied that she doesn’t want to come and sit at my house when she could be out having fun (I have had to ‘sit at her house’ sooo many times when she wanted to). Apparently her PT job means she ‘can’t go out as much’ 🤔 and she’d rather see me when I’m back in perfect health! Also didn’t invite DP to join us!

When I mentioned that her dresses were here and that 2 of the 3 sizes she required to try on need returning so that I’m not sitting here £160 out of pocket - she said that she hadn’t ‘specifically’ agreed to come and try them on and I should pay more attention to the ‘specifics’!

Now DF and her parents are invited to the wedding and honestly I’m just having serious second thoughts - I’ve always found the friendship harder work than any other.

AIBU??

OP posts:
Yabbers · 15/01/2019 22:38

“Sorry you feel the dress fitting isn’t important. Think it’s best I just have my other bridesmaids. I understand if you and your DP would prefer not to be at the wedding, best wishes for the future”

Then NC.

BunsOfAnarchy · 15/01/2019 22:41

Return all the dresses. Shes a proper bell end.

Original poster
MrDarcyWillBeMine · 15/01/2019 23:18

Thanks for the input - I appreciate it and am reading every comment!

I’m not at all a doormat with other people - I discussed this with DP tonight and he laughed- I can be quite ballsy when needed but she has been around for SOOO long I don’t apply it to her very well.

She’s definitely a bit of a piss taker but cares in her own way and can have Sweet moments - if I don’t message her she does message me...etc!

I think the truth is, having her as a bridesmaid gives me anxiety as I quite often don’t feel good around her- I’ve already felt quite on edge about the whole thing but don’t really know how to undo it! She’s also my only ‘long standing’ female friend which is tough!

She’s a chain smoker so I assume (if my wedding is anything like usual) she’ll spend the whole time outside.

DP said ‘well you can’t un ask someone to be a bridesmaid’

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 15/01/2019 23:19

Yes you can. Especially since it sounds like you didn't ask her in the first place!

Original poster
MrDarcyWillBeMine · 15/01/2019 23:19

I’m fairness - she wanted to be MOH and I said no to this! Firmly

OP posts:
Original poster
MrDarcyWillBeMine · 15/01/2019 23:20

@myother

I don’t see how

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 15/01/2019 23:29

having her as a bridesmaid gives me anxiety as I quite often don’t feel good around her. ⬅️ That is reason enough. It's your wedding day. Take back control of it.

blueluce85 · 15/01/2019 23:31

Dear Friend, what a shame you find the idea of dinner at mine and meeting DP so boring and would rather be out having ‘fun’. No doubt you will find my wedding boring as well so best you don’t bother with being a bridesmaid or coming. Now off you go to your oh so thrilling little life. OP

This!^

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 15/01/2019 23:33

So...you don’t want her to be your bridesmaid, you didn’t ask her to be your bridesmaid, she makes you feel anxious, she makes you feel bad about yourself, she’s a ‘piss taker’ and you’re on edge. (All your words)

THIS is what you want for your wedding day rather than dealing with the actual issue.

Just say you don’t want non family bridesmaids. Or hey say you don’t want anyone in the bridal party who hasn’t actually met the groom (and can’t be arsed either)

glitterfarts · 15/01/2019 23:50

Perfect text from an earlier post:

Just message her and say "actually, don't worry about the dress - we decided we only want one bridesmaid, which will be my neice, so you're off the hook for being a bridesmaid". Then return the dress and slowly distance yourself from this nasty woman!

BlackPrism · 15/01/2019 23:52

Well, I find the whole petrol money thing a bit stupid unless there's only ever one driver or you're going for several hours drive but that's moot...

The specifics thing is really really irritating and I would have pulled her up very bloody short for it tbh. My mates come to my house for tea/wine often! We can't afford to go out all the time!

Riv · 16/01/2019 00:10

Dear friend,
You should have told me you were finding the thought of being my bridesmaid too much for you. I totally understand, after all, we have been friends for a long time and it is a big commitment. I really don’t want you to be so stressed, so I am releasing you from the burden.
I have sent the dresses I ordered for you back and will just have my cousin. She now knows my future DH quite well, so the role is less daunting for her and I’m sure she will be able to make my day sparkle by herself.
All the best, and please don’t worry about letting me down. Maybe we can catch up when all the fuss is over?

SandAndSea · 16/01/2019 00:37

"No sorry, that doesn't work for me. And quite frankly, I can't believe how rude you're being. You've made it clear you find coming round to my house for dinner and meeting my partner boring and don't seem at all interested in trying on your bm dress. I think we should leave it there. I'm sending all the dresses back. Please consider yourself uninvited. I'm done."

SandAndSea · 16/01/2019 00:40

Actually, don't copy mine. It's therapeutic but far too much drama. I like the one about letting her off the hook as you're only having 1 bm.

tokira · 16/01/2019 00:54

This might sound harsh OP but everything you've posted so far is the opposite of "ballsy". I'm afraid that the fact she's your only long standing female friend is probably getting in the way of you standing up for your own happiness for your wedding day.

Better have fewer or no friends than crappy friends, IMHO.

delboysskinandblister · 16/01/2019 01:40

dresses and friend cancelled as not fit for purpose = happy Bride2B

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/01/2019 01:51

I'd go with JamPasty's suggested text - "actually, don't worry about the dress - we decided we only want one bridesmaid, which will be my neice, so you're off the hook for being a bridesmaid" That way you're being 'nice' to her pretending to be considerate of her feelings (has she got any?) whilst the 'we decided' takes control from her and transfers it to 'we' - she might try to huff at you, but I doubt she would at the other half of 'we', your fiance.

"I’m not at all a doormat with other people" - so maybe have a ponder about why you are to her? Read what you wrote - "I think the truth is, having her as a bridesmaid gives me anxiety as I quite often don’t feel good around her- I’ve already felt quite on edge about the whole thing but don’t really know how to undo it! " Is this really what you want for your wedding? Anxiety and her puffing away outside? It's not going to be one of her "Sweet moments", is it? It's going to be one of her dismissive selfish moments. Is that how you want to remember your wedding?

SophiaLovesSummer · 16/01/2019 02:16

The phrase 'don't cross oceans for someone who wouldn't cross a puddle for you' springs to mind...

MissLadyM · 16/01/2019 02:22

You might 'love' her but she doesn't love you. Please have the balls to unbridesmaid her

freshfoodpeople · 16/01/2019 06:22

I'd be inclined to send the dresses back and say no more about it. Don't talk about the wedding, don't initiate meet ups, only go if the plan suits you. I'd lay money it'll be months before she asks anything about the wedding. By that time you will know exactly how little she cares and can just brush it away with "oh it's all sorted thanks. Everyone's kitted out and good to go". If she mentions being a bridesmaid you can truthfully say "I took the hint that you weren't bothered about being part of the wedding party. Did you see x on tv last night (or something equally mundane)?"

I'd do it this way.

If she has the nerve to start complaining to other people that you've dropped her as bridesmaid, just state the truth that "friend" made it clear she was pulling out when she couldn't even be bothered trying on the BM dress.

She sounds so self centred, cheap and rude that I wouldn't want her in my friendship circle at all anyway, let alone my wedding party.

RebootYourEngine · 16/01/2019 07:30

Get rid of her as bridesmaid and friend. She sounds like too much of a pain in the ass.

Branleuse · 16/01/2019 07:40

Say sorry, next week doesnt work for me. Im sending them back friday. Do you still even want to do it. Youre seeming quite flaky over the arrangements. I understand if its too much for you, but you DO have to let me know whether yiu can actually commit to this or not

ForgivenessIsDivine · 16/01/2019 07:43

Well it would be difficult to sack her as bridesmaid without losing her as a friend all together and without it causing problems with her parents which from your previous post, you quite like.

Let the friendship drift, don't chase her, don't expect anything of her. Make sure that you and your cousin arrange the hen do together and that all of the responsibilities on the day are given to your cousin, with chief responsibility being keeping your friend out of your way.

It doesn't sound like she is the best companion for you on the day, self-centred, chain-smoker who doesn't make you feel good. Will you have older female adults with you in the morning of the wedding? Mum, Aunties, other cousins who can drown her out and be by your side?

I was sacked as a bridesmaid once, it was fine, I still went to the wedding, kept in touch, was godmother to her first born, it was only many years later when she continued to be incredibly self centered that I deleted her number and stopped responding to her.

Quickerthanavicar · 16/01/2019 07:47

For God sake DTB!

ForgivenessIsDivine · 16/01/2019 07:52

I like JamPasty's suggestion.. 'Cousin has tried on the dresses and we have come to the conclusion that, we will just have one 'official' bridesmaid, much more in tune with the relaxed chilled out day we have in mind. So you are free to come dressed as you wish and to relax on the day and enjoy yourself, as the official best friend, just not dressed as a lady in waiting, which feels rather old fashioned, don't you think!'