To wonder if my friend/bridesmaid is taking the piss?

[MrDarcyWillBeMine]

🤔 so we’ve been friends for ages! Since Secondary and DF has always been a bit - CF?
Would never contribute to petrol and then make everyone feel cheap for even asking! Also has a tendency to ‘preach’ her own point of view .... (which changes on a weekly basis). But it’s just her and we kind of loved her regardless!

Anyway- last week we had plans to meet for dinner but it didn’t happen (mutual lack of organising) . This week I’ve twisted my ankle and am struggling to get around.

So I asked DF to come over for dinner as her bridesmaid dress has also arrived and wrong sizes will need returning - DP loves to cook and (despite being a bridesmaid at my wedding in the summer) she’s yet to actually meet him! 🤔

DF agreed - but just sent me a message to say ‘let’s go out for dinner instead’, I reminded her that I can’t walk very well with my sore ankle. She replied that she doesn’t want to come and sit at my house when she could be out having fun (I have had to ‘sit at her house’ sooo many times when she wanted to). Apparently her PT job means she ‘can’t go out as much’ 🤔 and she’d rather see me when I’m back in perfect health! Also didn’t invite DP to join us!

When I mentioned that her dresses were here and that 2 of the 3 sizes she required to try on need returning so that I’m not sitting here £160 out of pocket - she said that she hadn’t ‘specifically’ agreed to come and try them on and I should pay more attention to the ‘specifics’!

Now DF and her parents are invited to the wedding and honestly I’m just having serious second thoughts - I’ve always found the friendship harder work than any other.

AIBU??

I will Absoloutley be more strict!
I just messaged asking for clarity on when she will try the dresses and got a vague ‘next week’ - if it doesn’t happen then I shall return them and that will be that!

I suspect your idea of "absolutely being more strict" would still be everyone else's idea of a total doormat.

She sounds horrible, no ifs, buts or maybes. But you knew this all along. She hasn't suddenly undergone a dramatic personality transformation overnight. She's a COW. It's time to open the stable door and let her go chew the cud on someone else's land.

I like how she tells you to pay attention to the specifics then replies to a question about when you'll try on the dress with a very unspecific 'next week'!

I'd just not chase her to try on. If she tries to organise it then go with it. If she isn't in touch next week then send them back and tell her you assumed she wasn't interested

It's probably best she's not your bridesmaid as she is adding to the stress of the wedding not helping you with it!

Just message her and say "actually, don't worry about the dress - we decided we only want one bridesmaid, which will be my neice, so you're off the hook for being a bridesmaid". Then return the dress and slowly distance yourself from this nasty woman!

Please listen to the messages above op.

Dear cf

1. These dresses are going back on Friday morning. (Don't give a reason, if you say you can't afford them hanging round she will tell you where you're spending too much. If you say you're busy she will tell you how disorganized you are).

1. If you want to be in the wedding you need to come over and try them today or tomorrow because I can't make Thursday.

I promise she won't try them. She wants to be the one calling the shots.

Don't argue about it.

If she doesn’t offer now to come and try the dresses on- when she asks just say “oh had to return them, I think overall it’s a hassle for you to be a bridesmaid so don’t worry about it”

i would tell her she can specifically FUCK OFF.

Ffs just ditch her and pull your big girl pants up!

And DON'T let her buy a dress and get you to repay her. She'd probably pick the most expensive one she could find!

I had a friend like this
When I went to hospital in April with life threading condition, I am still waiting for her to visit.
I find out from Facebook she got engaged over Christmas.

It sounds like she doesn't really want to be your friend and she's not got the guts to tell you so she's being horrible until you end things. She hasn't met your partner of 2 years? That's not normal in itself!! It's very weird.

At some point in the future this friendship will end. Either you'll see the light or she'll drop you. The real question is, do you want to look at your wedding photos and see her in them, and have memories of her from that day?

I would be pretty annoyed by her response.
Could you ask her? "I see that you're not really bothered to try the dresses anymore. Is it because you have changed your mind and don't wish to be my bridesmaid anymore? If so then I will return the dresses back (or give to another friend)."

I think she doesn't want to be your bridesmaid really. Sounds like she envies you.

I think my answer would be short and sweet with an 'off' in it!

@mrdarceywillbemine

last time we went shopping together she came out with ‘It literally makes me sick that any woman would plan her career around a man’ - this was directly following my explaining that I wouldn’t be taking a new job as it meant moving to Singapore

This has solved it for me. Shes jealous. Youre getting married. You have the DP who wants to cook for you and your friends. You have the job offers in an exciting new place. She will be left behind. Alone. Pure jealousy.

@mrdarcywillbemine sorry, mistagged your name above

If she doesn’t manage to try one on before then I’ll tell her to order her own and I’ll judt give her the cost back!

Aw hell no. You're offering to write her a blank cheque! Even if you think you've agreed what she's going to buy you'll have no comeback if she decides she to get something different. "Oh, I know you said you wanted me to wear that long blue dress, but this red mini is just so much more me. That'll be ££LOTS please. Oh, and you owe me for the matching shoes."

I see that you're not really bothered to try the dresses anymore. Is it because you have changed your mind and don't wish to be my bridesmaid anymore? If so then I will return the dresses

I really wouldn't do this as it puts the ball in her court again. Just bin her off

dulcefarniente

Has it spot on, if you stop contacting her i bet she won't contact you. If you think about it, who texts who first usually? Who usually suggests meeting up?

I had a friend like this. She’s not rude she’s funny, right? Or maybe she’s not rude she’s honest? And does she have a habit of dropping out at short notice, or sloping off/always on the look out for a better option?

It was actually my wedding that made me reevaluate. Dh didn’t want anyone he hadn’t met so i did an experiment, I didn’t make the first move with her after. I never heard from her again.

It’s since transpired she’s quite narcissistic and unless you pursue her she won’t make any effort with you. She would have spent the wedding sniping and giggling and would have got drunk and causes a drama. I was glad my wedding was fun and fuss free.

*after our most recent meet up...

just say sending back dresses tomorrow - if you want to be BM you need to come and try on tonight, if you dont , i'll assume you dont want to be

LTB

Is she worried there will be no alcohol on offer!? Can you say you will have lots of wine in!? Or does she have social anxiety issues that means she'd be more comfortable in a restaurant (with as much wine as she wants). I think I'm clutching at straws here but just trying to think where her CF is coming from, although to be fair I'd have sent them all back right away after her specifics comment...

Well, I agree. Bin the politeness and get rid off her.

This whole saga demonstrates how true it is that we show people how to treat us.