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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if my friend/bridesmaid is taking the piss?

252 replies

MrDarcyWillBeMine · 15/01/2019 16:11

🤔 so we’ve been friends for ages! Since Secondary and DF has always been a bit - CF?
Would never contribute to petrol and then make everyone feel cheap for even asking! Also has a tendency to ‘preach’ her own point of view .... (which changes on a weekly basis). But it’s just her and we kind of loved her regardless!

Anyway- last week we had plans to meet for dinner but it didn’t happen (mutual lack of organising) . This week I’ve twisted my ankle and am struggling to get around.

So I asked DF to come over for dinner as her bridesmaid dress has also arrived and wrong sizes will need returning - DP loves to cook and (despite being a bridesmaid at my wedding in the summer) she’s yet to actually meet him! 🤔

DF agreed - but just sent me a message to say ‘let’s go out for dinner instead’, I reminded her that I can’t walk very well with my sore ankle. She replied that she doesn’t want to come and sit at my house when she could be out having fun (I have had to ‘sit at her house’ sooo many times when she wanted to). Apparently her PT job means she ‘can’t go out as much’ 🤔 and she’d rather see me when I’m back in perfect health! Also didn’t invite DP to join us!

When I mentioned that her dresses were here and that 2 of the 3 sizes she required to try on need returning so that I’m not sitting here £160 out of pocket - she said that she hadn’t ‘specifically’ agreed to come and try them on and I should pay more attention to the ‘specifics’!

Now DF and her parents are invited to the wedding and honestly I’m just having serious second thoughts - I’ve always found the friendship harder work than any other.

AIBU??

OP posts:

MyOtherProfile · 15/01/2019 17:35

got a vague ‘next week’
No. She doesn't get to leave you hanging like that. Please do reply and tell her that it's too late, and what the pp said about how if she thinks it would be boring having dinner at your house and meeting dp then that's that. She really isn't a friend. I hope you have other, nicer friends.

burritofan · 15/01/2019 17:37

She's a twat.

Return all three dresses now. If she has an issue, point out that "next week" isn't specific.

Bringbackthestripes · 15/01/2019 17:44

Send them back first thing Monday and then come and update us on the total strop she throws when, in 3 weeks time, she deigns to turn up to try them on and you no longer have them

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 15/01/2019 17:44

She’s still pulling the strings isn’t she? Next week. Oh okay then. Whenever suits her.

She insults you to your face and you retell the story with laughing/crying emojis? Honestly I fail to see what’s so hilarious about her. She has zero respect for you.

You can have all of mumsnet telling you this is a cheeky fucker but ultimately this is your life I guess and I don’t think you’re seeing what we’re all seeing.

pictish · 15/01/2019 17:45

Yeah it’s not you. She’s totally up herself. You’re an extra on her show...as are most other people as well I imagine.

I had a similar ‘very good friend’ in the past. Great company and for years very cherished...but everything on her terms and an absolute let down when I needed support. The final nail in the coffin surrounded my wedding too, funnily enough...and not because I’m a wedding diva either. It was simply down to the fact that she couldn’t see her way to making an effort for me...even in a nominal sense. She was similarly unabashed about her selfishness as your friend is. If I told you about it my post would be very long, so I shan’t.

Our friendship though spanning many years, didn’t last long after my wedding. The lightbulb went on and didn’t go out again. We had an unrelated disagreement a couple of months later and knowing she would expect me to instigate making amends, I just left it and let her drift away.
She got back in touch with me recently after 8 years or so. It quickly became apparent even through the medium of text, that she hadn’t changed a jot. I’m not arsed about her. It has been a good learning curve so I can thank her for that.

mamansnet · 15/01/2019 17:48

Ooh, you need to get rid of this one, OP! She won't get any better, she will be a pain in the hole before and during the wedding (which will add extra stress for you) and when you eventually do fall out for good, you'll still have to look at her face in the wedding photos. If she can't be arsed to come and meet your DP or even try on a dress for the biggest day of your life, she doesn't deserve the honour of being a bridesmaid.

I'd send the dresses back and tell her you got the impression she didn't want to be a bridesmaid but didn't know how to tell you

BumbleBeee69 · 15/01/2019 17:52

OP I can't believe you're allowing yourself to be treated like this, over and over again.

Send the dresses back and when she rocks up.. and they're gone Tough.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/01/2019 17:55

I am shocked you are her friend, let alone ask her to be BM, she doesen't sound like much of a friend tbh.

Giraffetower · 15/01/2019 17:57

@burritofan has summed it up perfectly !

She's a twat.

Return all three dresses now. If she has an issue, point out that "next week" isn't specific.

AndTheSkyWasAllViolet · 15/01/2019 17:58

Hi. Drop her. This is my expert advice lol.

I had a "friend" like this. She did stuff over time that was less friend, more enemy. Oh the stories I could tell.

People above make good points about the day of your wedding and her ruining your special day. Drop her like a hot potato. If you need an exit strategy for your "friendship", your wedding and this whole dress business might give you that opportunity.

looktothewesternsky · 15/01/2019 18:02

I think this friendship is on its way to being over - why would someone be your bridesmaid without meeting your fiancé?

ForgivenessIsDivine · 15/01/2019 18:02

Text her back tonight and say... Dear friend, I really had hoped that you would see that I wanted you to come round because of my sore leg, I needed cheering up but can't go out, because of the dresses, two fo which I need to return and because I wanted you to meet my fiance. I don't suppose you would change your mind? It's not often I ask.. best regards, me xx

MrsJane · 15/01/2019 18:14

I would give her one last chance. So say that you would've loved to have gone out but reiterate that you have really hurt your ankle and could do with some cheering up. And also her coming round would mean that she could at last meet your fiance (which is quite important as she is a bridesmaid!!) and also to try on the dresses, so could she please reconsider as this is very important to you.

If she still says no, then dump her like radioactive waste. As you know it will be all about her at your hen do and then your wedding day.

Spunkymonkey2019 · 15/01/2019 18:21

She doesn’t sound the closest of friends if she’s not met your dp of 2 years?

vintanner2 · 15/01/2019 18:21

I had a 'friend' who I had known for over ten years who said

"call me when you're up and running again"

This was after I had just told her I'd a tumor in my spine and would need an operation!

That was in 2009 and I haven't spoken to her since.

Get rid of your 'friend' I guarantee you will feel so much better after.

Angrybird345 · 15/01/2019 18:23

I think you need to give a deadline and say that if dress is t sorted by x then you assume she doesn’t want to be a bm.

HeebieJeebies456 · 15/01/2019 18:35

she’s supposed to be a ‘really good’ friend!
She's been showing you for years that she isn't but you refuse to see it.
Just like now you keep making excuses for her and enabling her.

You must have very low self esteem to accept this behaviour from anyone let alone 'a good friend'.
She pushes you around, has no respect for you and is telling you - yet again -- very clearly that you are not important to her.

More fool you.

BMW6 · 15/01/2019 18:37

Come on OP don't be such a bloody spineless doormat!

She is a grade A bitch and I would bet every penny I have that she is going to do her utmost to fuck up your wedding.

DistanceCall · 15/01/2019 18:38

You are behaving like a doormat, honestly.

This is not a friend. This is someone who insults you to your face. And you post it with laughing emojis.

Perch · 15/01/2019 18:48

There is a line that often comes up on the relationship boards that goes something like when someone shows you who they are, listen!

She has no respect for you. She sounds like a taker.
She is not going to contribute anything positive to your wedding
The friendship won’t last, you don’t want her in your wedding photos!
Fire her as bridesmaid, she can come as a guest - very clever people on here can help you compose a diplomatic text.

You should have fun planning your wedding! She really is no friend.

dulcefarniente · 15/01/2019 18:56

I'd be inclined to send the dresses back and say no more about it. Don't talk about the wedding, don't initiate meet ups, only go if the plan suits you. I'd lay money it'll be months before she asks anything about the wedding. By that time you will know exactly how little she cares and can just brush it away with "oh it's all sorted thanks. Everyone's kitted out and good to go". If she mentions being a bridesmaid you can truthfully say "I took the hint that you weren't bothered about being part of the wedding party. Did you see x on tv last night (or something equally mundane)?"

Justmuddlingalong · 15/01/2019 18:57

You understand that by having her as a bridesmaid, you are forever connecting her to a really important and special day? Her behaviour in the past and now in the run up to your wedding sucks. Don't allow her to stress you out in the preparation, possibly on the big day itself and in the future. If you keep her as a bridesmaid, when you eventually see sense and ditch the friendship, you will question why you gave a crap 'friend' such an important and special role in your big day.

LagunaBubbles · 15/01/2019 19:09

Why are you ignoring people asking about your self esteem and being friends with this woman? More fool you if you don't end this friendship.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 15/01/2019 19:14

You understand that by having her as a bridesmaid, you are forever connecting her to a really important and special day

this

Op i am sorry but I can't believe people are telling you to give her one more chance.She really needs to be put in her place, she is so horrible to you. Dont have her ruin your wedding. Just reply to say you are sending the dresses back and will just have your cousin as bridesmaid. Dont leave it to be her decision, take control, you will feel better for it and have more room in your life for good friends.

emzw12 · 15/01/2019 19:18

Jesus what a nightmare poor you!
Tell her to try the dresses on before x date (you decide on date) or they will all go back and no dress for her.

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