Do your teenager's bedrooms look like this?

[thingersandfumbs]

Just that really. My teenage DD lives in an utter shit pit.

So, aibu to care? For context, DP encountered our dog with a used sanitary towel in his mouth a few weeks ago, from DD's shit tip.

I'm no clean and tidy queen, I promise you that, but to me this is unacceptable. Aibu?

I don't think this is acceptable.

My room never looked like that and my teenage DS's manages to keep his tidy enough.

No food or drinks other than water upstairs here.

Sometimes their rooms might get a bit 'messy' with clothes not put away, but there is no dirt, they both change their beds once a week and remake, floors are clear etc.

All bodily function cleanup is kept to the bathroom.

I think at 18 I would be having a 'shape up or ship out' talk if part of my property was being treated like that.

Just because she is choosing to live like that doesn't mean you have to allow it in your home. She is an adult, she can do everything necessary to get her own place and treat it as she likes.

Yes! Once found an ancient bowl of soup with bread stuck into it (moulded), plus half an apple on a plate: said to son, "I found half an apple just sitting there!", and he said, "Do apples sit?".

My room was pretty untidy as a teenager but I was about 14, not 18. My mum was something of a hoarder - not of the very extreme variety where things are piled up to the ceiling, but certainly way beyond a normal level of clutter. She used to scold me and be cross about the state of my room and I'd be furious because it was pretty similar to the rest of the house. I remember visiting other people's houses and feeling so jealous of their lovely tidy houses with colour schemes and matching furniture.

My untidy phase coincided with me sinking into depression. And ironically, one of the things that contributed to my depression was being bullied at school because I had had friends to my house and they had told people what it was like. I don't suppose I had realised before that how abnormal it was for things to be so untidy.

As an adult I am very tidy. I get panicky about clutter and absolutely could not live how I did as a teenager. Having my own home was the most amazing sense of liberation. My siblings are untidy people like my mother and one of them became a hoarder to such an extreme that it caused the breakdown of their marriage and the loss of contact with their children.

I don't think this is a normal room for a teenager, at all. But it's hard to work out if it's a lack of respect for you or a lack of respect for herself, and you'll not be able to tackle it until you know which it is.

Perhaps incentive of redecorating and getting new furniture might help?

@Imalittleelf. Ffs. So she’s already proved she doesn’t give a shit by trashing her room and you think she should be rewarded with a new one? 🙄

My teen DS lets his bedroom get messy but not to that extent.

I still do his washing and change his bed but refuse to do either if I have to step over stuff on the floor. So every Saturday he brings his washing down and I do it.

When I put the washing away I leave the empty laundry basket in the room for him to put rubbish in - empty bottles, food wrappers etc, paper for recycling. He brings it down. I do have to nag a bit.

I change the bed once a week but only if the floor is clear. He likes having the bed changed regularly so knows he needs to clear up.

We have a cleaner and she doesn’t do his room if it’s messy.

Occasionally I will nag him to do a big tidy up or I will so that the cleaner can clean properly.

I think with your dd I would be insisting she tidies more regularly. It’s at the stage it’s very overwhelming to do but would be easier if done once or twice a week.

Who does her washing? Does she have a laundry basket? (I took the lid off the one in ds’s room so he doesn’t even have to lift the lid - he still leaves dirty clothes all over the floor!)

I think you just have to keep at her. Nag nag nag. Boring I know. But if she can’t act like an adult she gets treated like a child.

Leaving used sanitary towels around is disgusting. There is no excuse for that.

@AlexaAmbidextra

Depends on why the room is like this. Having worked with and lived with looked after children with many physiological and mental health issues the room tends to be an extension or reasoning and occasionally an incentive can work, giving them control over the space.

I am not suggesting ops daughter has been through the traumas of a looked after child (but we don't know that and the op may not know) however there can be an under lying issue.

It may be a case of messy mind, messy room.

It can't be sheer laziness as the daughter works and studies. Perhaps because she is not there all day it doesn't bother her as much.

My sibling who is in their 40s had rooms similar to this at uni (was gross), they lived with someone who was similar consequently has never learnt to be tidy and it continues to this day.

My dh had a flat mate whose room stank and was just dirty not necessarily messy however when we cleaned the room after he moved out there were loads of tissues down the side of the bed. That made me feel ill.

I had a flat mate who was a hoarder, moved in with boxes of crap and rubbish (literally) would keep mugs and plates in her room. However she had mental health issues and she wanted to live like that.... had to ask her to remove communal cutlery and dishes as the rest of the house needed them but she paid her rent to what she did in that room was her business I wasn't her mother.

I think the op needs to find out if there is an underlying reason, perhaps make a stand that it's her house which she ultimately pays for so the daughter needs to have some degree of respect and have some cleanliness. (Op has confirmed a change of decor incentive hasn't worked)

It looks like a squat - why have you even let it get in to that state in the first place?

It’s your house and you need to take control. The whole rooms needs emptying and you need to start again.

As for those of you that think it’s normal - it really isn’t.

There’s no such thing as ‘normal’ really. What’s ‘normal’ to me might not be to you.

How is your daughters mental health / self esteem, that kind of thing? People (children especially) show us how they’re feeling.

What does she say when you speak to her about it? X

TeddtBearBaby - if the rest of you house looks like that then I suppose it would be normal, otherwise it is just squalor.

I do think you have to take some responsibility as she's clearly been able to eat in her room etc when she was a child.
However, that moment has now passed.

My only question is does she take care of herself- ie cleanliness, presentation, weight etc? The reason I ask is could she be depressed?

That's my DS room and it is a serious matter of contention beteeen me and my dh. I've tried everything to get my DS to clear is bedroom but for some reason I struggle to understand, it's as if he becomes paralysed and totally unable to do it. I've thought a lot about it and I think it's because cleaning his room means facing his issues and it makes him feel horrible about himself.

I tried punishing, telling off, taking things away but all that did was making him withdraw into himself even more. I now just do it myself every few weeks. Everytime, he is so thankful and tells me how he loves it this way and will try to keep it but never manages.

Thankfully, he is clean in himself, showers and his clothes, are usually clean. He is also very studious so no issue there. Incredibly, his à hool books are extremely tidy, beautiful hand writing, lines always made with ruler!

I really think it is a mental issue in addition to being naturally untidy/messy, and the only way to help is by showing him how better he feels when it's nice. I now do plan to paint and change the carpet to give him that sense of comfort. DH is annoyed though how he says this shouldnt be a reward and will be wasted as he'll trash the room again. I see his point but I really do think there is more to why his room is like this then him just being a lazy slob.

Op - don’t let Ddog into that area at all. Maybe have a stair gate if that will work or DD door closed all the time.

SwingOfThings - You need to keep on top of it daily - every couple of weeks isn’t enough. A quick 2 minutes (together) a day stops the mess escalating - everyone will be happier.

Although having seen the photos from the OP the whole lot would have been bagged and binned a long time ago in our house.

I can't post any pics of my two son's bedrooms as I hand painted their walls with an identifying design.

But they are pristine, every day. My sons are almost 16 and almost 13.

Basically, I know my youngest son, who has just emerged from the shower, will have left his towel on his bed and his pyjamas on the floor. But when he goes back into his room to put his tie and jumper on, the towel gets folded and put back on the heated towel rail, his bed will be made and the pyjamas are put in the laundry basket. His curtains will be opened and he will leave the room tidy.

My eldest's room will have the bed already made and towel away.

I am a SAHM, I have never accepted mess on their bedroom floors. It was a daily reminder when they were little. Now they know to do it.

They don't take food or drink into their rooms. They do have a den with their computers in but it gets cleared down daily.

OP if you want to stay on top of it, it is a daily thing. I used to stand in the doorway of my children's rooms when they were little and make sure they put their things away.

They have a drawer that holds all the stuff they have worn but it doesn't need washing, therefore clean clothes and worn clothes are separate. There is no need to dump clothes on the floor.

@WeepingSong that’s for the info 👍🏼

@SoupOnMyTableNowSir

Thanks for the tip about the drawer for clean worn clothes.... it's never occurred to me to have one of those!

Nope. I would take all their stuff outside and burn it leaving them school uniform and a mattress if it were. That is absolutely disgusting.

My older ones get all the stuff lying around their rooms and bathrooms dumped on their beds each morning and they put it away when they get in each night.

If they want to live in an utter shit hole they need to wait until they pay the mortgage to do so.

I'm on my phone so I can't see the post and respond at the same time so I won't mention names!

The rest of the house is not like that, as I've already explained.

The dogs are only encouraged in one area of the house, nowhere near the only bathroom where sanitary items should be placed. There are two doors between dd's room and where they are encouraged which she left open. The sanitary towel did come from her room.

As a younger dc she didn't eat in her room. That has come with working so not always being there for family mealtimes.

She is not overweight and takes a great deal of care over her appearance.

I have regularly helped her to clean and tidy. She is capable of cleaning to a high standard - all the dcs have regular jobs around the house. When she cleans the bathroom it is spotless unlike when another dc does it who's bedroom is the complete opposite of dd's.

As a poster long up thread said, I've very much had to pick my battles for the last few years. I may have picked the wrong ones but I can't turn the clock back now 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think it may well have to be one more time of me sorting it out with her. And a reinstatement of rules from her childhood. Maybe I thought she was more mature than she is. Who knows.

If nothing else, it’s a fire hazard and I imagine an invitation to rodents.

Weepingsong, no offence but if it was a simple as you put it, of course it would be done. There is a lot to it than just getting my son to agree to spend 2 mi utes every day with me to pick things off his floor.

Why in earth would you let a room in your home get anywhere near that state. It’s a health hazard! Yes she’s 17 and should jnow better, but you are the adult and you are the mother. Take control. This is bad for her mental health whether she realises it or not. You can’t let her go on like that. If I had a daughter who repeatedly let her room get to even 10% of that mess, I’d give her a day’s warning before I went in with black bin bags. I dint know how you can stand there taking pictures without taking action.

Never when I was a teenage. Never now I have a teenage. Didn't even look as bad as that when I emptied everything to pack and move.

I don't think it's normal either, a little messy may be normal. I think teenagers and all ages over 3 should have to keep clean and tidy rooms.

This was basically my room as a teenager. Although it was always messy but not dirty. Sanpro went in bins and bins were emptied, glasses and plates taken down straight away if I ate in the room.

Now a totally normal adult, house is always clean and tidy and probably haven't seen my room like that since I graduated uni in 2009.

swingofthings - to be honest if I had a child who was unable to keep on top of keeping their room tidy then I would do it myself. I could not live with that level of mess.

That room is too small to have that level of mess! You can't even side step anything.