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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to drop a day at work?

164 replies

Largepiecesofcrookedwood · 14/01/2019 17:13

For background DH and I have an age gap, a shade over twenty years in fact Confused
This has never hugely concerned me and we have been together and (mostly) happy for twelve years.
DH is now 67 and has today announced that he thinks he may as well drop a day a week. Currently he finishes early on that day anyway as we have a volunteering commitment, so in fact would be dropping between 5 and 6 hours.
In principle I don't have an issue with it, in practice DH has no pension (a problem for a whole other thread Hmm) except his state provision and dropping a day would already swallow up around half of that income.
Financially we could afford it, but it then allows us much less leeway to save for the time that he cannot actually work, or will be impacting on our currently rather pleasant quality of life.
I think what is pissing me off is that I fully expect to have to work until at least my mid 70's if I'm still able and I have some small private pension provision as well. I get that times are different now and this is one of the hurdles with an age gap relationship, but I'm genuinely wondering whether I am BU and I should just cut him some slack, or he should just knuckle down for as long as possible?

OP posts:
00kitty · 15/01/2019 18:20

I’m in the exact same position as you in terms of age gap. He still works 5 days a week for last 3 years I’ve been on at him to cut down to 3, I think he’s finally coming round and plans to do this from the end of this year.

  1. what he will lose for in income he will save some in tax so won’t affect income as much as you think
  2. three years ago i insisted he take offer of e/ers pension and pay max in - it won’t be a fortune but worth signing up to even at 67 as will save tax now and can keep contributing until he packs it in entirely.
  3. this can’t be the first time you’ve thought of this in 12 years? I’m well aware I’ll be working far past he will but quite happy to share whatever I have, we are a team and yes maybe less luxuries and holidays but ultimately we want to be together and are happy, would rather be poorer and happier. Maybe you need to think how you would feel if you were 67 and shoe was on other foot? Don’t mean to sound harsh just a bit puzzled that neither of you thought to discuss implications years ago and plan for it as much as poss Confused
eddielizzard · 15/01/2019 18:27

You definitely need to discuss it and come to a compromise on how this is going to work. Yes he is 67. But you will be working to support him and it's only going to go one way. He should be picking up slack. Why do you work full time AND do all the housework? He can easily walk the dog, do some cooking, throw a wash on. What do others in their 60's, 70s etc do? Just because he's 67 doesn't mean he's absolved of all this crap. He's got himself a very cushy deal doesn't he?!?!?

sollyfromsurrey · 15/01/2019 18:35

This was foreseeable when you married him. Indeed - by both of them. But for some reason the husband is not being criticised for not thinking ahead as OP is.

.....This

*I am surprised nobody has commented on the overall division of work: apparently OP works full time, and does most of the domestic work, while DH who is apparently not a high enough earner to have a pension wants to have another day off.

If he does drop a day then maybe he should use the extra time to help out more with the housework, dog walking, home admin, etc...*

....and this.

sollyfromsurrey · 15/01/2019 18:35

bold fail. But you can work it out

Palaver1 · 15/01/2019 18:43

Depends ..if you want him.to grow old with you .you might have to go along with this
67 is getting on few months to 70.

toxic44 · 15/01/2019 18:46

YABU. My DH (an age gap of 30+yrs) cut down on his hours and it did impinge of the amount of free resource. However, we had time together which I am grateful for now. Money is not the most important. If you are widowed, will the money comfort you? Be with him whilst you can. I worked when he couldn't and I was thankful I could but everyone's different.

WobbleBottomBum · 15/01/2019 18:55

Phone citizens advice and pension wise to make sure you are not missing out on something. So many people are.

BlueJava · 15/01/2019 18:56

He's 67, he'll be feeling it tough to work full time, of course he should be able to drop a few hours a week. YABVU if you haven't thought retirement provision apart from "keep working".

Tommo75 · 15/01/2019 18:58

Do you think you might resent him because you'll be supporting him more financially and continuing to keep things going at home? I know I'd feel a bit like that and I'd expect to be sharing chores more.

Schoolchoicesucks · 15/01/2019 18:58

Op hasn't responded to any questions about what happened to her oh's personal/company pension.

Buttery it's not a wife's responsibility to make a husband provide for retirement, but when a couple has joint finances, then she bloody well should have a joint responsibility for planning ahead for both of them. She's on the thread, asking if she's bu and he's not.

frenchchick9 · 15/01/2019 18:58

He is 67?
I'm not surprised he wants to slow down.

And he has no pension??
Shock Oh dear.

Haven't you ever talked at all about retirement and the future and money??

AnotherEmma · 15/01/2019 19:04

I'm confused. If he did have a pension pot, what on earth happened to it?

It's very irresponsible unusual for someone who's been working and earning a decent salary for most of their life (which I'm assuming he has?) not to have any kind of pension pot.

However, if he can afford to reduce his working hours, fair enough, but he should start doing more at home.

"I currently do the bulk of the housework, dog walking, household admin etc"

This needs to change.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 15/01/2019 19:06

I’m sorry OP but I’m another one adding to the chorus YABU.

I went down to four days in the year leading up to my retirement. I only actually lost five hours a week but worked longer days to have a three day weekend. Before doing this I was permanently shattered. Having that extra day made all the difference.

I don’t think the loss in income will be as bad as you think, that’s been my experience anyway.

Believe me, when you get to 67 you will be looking for ways to reduce your hours. You may also be facing that decision alone.

supermommyof4 · 15/01/2019 19:11

I think yabu..he is 67 and really i cant see 5/6 hours making that much difference.
He should be allowed to enjoy his later years and wind down a bit.
I imagine he is feeling tired.

Mayrhofen · 15/01/2019 19:12

Fuck that, YABU. I have put into my pension since age 19, and am putting in 21% now at 53. No way would I be working until 67 let alone beyond.

I feel for your DH

Dvg · 15/01/2019 19:17

Sorry he is 67.. hes pretty much pension age so retirement shouldnt be completely new to you. you should have known

Original poster
Largepiecesofcrookedwood · 15/01/2019 19:18

The pension was lost in that big scandal, so I believe. DH absolutely has no hidden assets. This was all prior to us getting together and frankly I'm not really sure I would appreciate if DH started questioning me about my past finances so I've never pushed it- if the money's not there it's not there. I can't see that he would be aware of a pension pot, not mention it and continue to work.
We've never been in a position to save properly until very recently, I'm not sure it's all that unusual for a vast amount of people TBH. Perhaps that's why I'm now so reluctant to cut back my "princessy" ways, as it's taken so long to get to the stage where I'm not constantly trying to stretch the budget just that little bit further.
Reading through these replies has made me realise that perhaps DH is what people would class as "old", it's not something I've ever properly considered as really he has always been old(er)! When I realised that he was finding work harder, that's when I started to take over all the practical stuff that used to be his- today I came home from work and moved half a ton of logs for example. I'm probably wary that this state of affairs may be expected to continue Hmm

OP posts:
Thewarrenerswife · 15/01/2019 19:18

Why is it just the OP's responsibility to think ahead? And why is the OP the only one who should adjust for the age gap?

Both the OP and her husband knew that stopping work would come at different times for them, but if cutting out another 5hrs a week at present would seriously jeopardise his pension, and therefore their quality of life, I think he should only do it if he had a really good reason.

Snog · 15/01/2019 19:19

Maybe you could do a financial makeover to make this affordable without too much affect on your lifestyle?

When are you financially planning for DH to stop work?

Original poster
Largepiecesofcrookedwood · 15/01/2019 19:19

Not sure what happened to my spaces there Hmm

OP posts:
Catsinthecupboard · 15/01/2019 19:26

Don't know if this is relevant but dh was 14 years older than dm. She died suddenly, unexpectedly at 70 and he lived to 88 (he died a few years after she passed away.)

Life is not a straight path.

missmarplesknittingcoach · 15/01/2019 19:34

My DH is a little older than me and planning to retire before 67 . His parents died in their 60/70 s and this is on his mind . We will manage on about a half of our current income and less when I retire , but I am fully supportive of this as his happiness and peace of mind are the most important things . We will have to cut our outgoings considerably but will manage the basics . Will your DH be able to cover 50 % of your essential outgoings OP? , and willing to change his lifestyle, as if this is so it is about covering your preferred spending budget to the detriment of his well-being.

paap1975 · 15/01/2019 19:42

Your poor husband is 67. He should be retired by now. I thought compensation had been agreed for the pension scandal, but maybe I am mistaken. In any case, it's impossible for him not to have any pension rights.

You must have thought this through before you married. I'm 16 years younger than my husband and we certainly did. Please cut him some slack!

Aridane · 15/01/2019 19:50

Yep, YABU

TeacupDrama · 15/01/2019 20:24

even the best pensions are generally only 50-66% of previous salary
for some this is compensated for by having paid off mortgage and reduced living costs no commuting costs no lunches out everyday don't need business suits etc