To not want DH to drop a day at work?

[Largepiecesofcrookedwood]

For background DH and I have an age gap, a shade over twenty years in fact
This has never hugely concerned me and we have been together and (mostly) happy for twelve years.
DH is now 67 and has today announced that he thinks he may as well drop a day a week. Currently he finishes early on that day anyway as we have a volunteering commitment, so in fact would be dropping between 5 and 6 hours.
In principle I don't have an issue with it, in practice DH has no pension (a problem for a whole other thread ) except his state provision and dropping a day would already swallow up around half of that income.
Financially we could afford it, but it then allows us much less leeway to save for the time that he cannot actually work, or will be impacting on our currently rather pleasant quality of life.
I think what is pissing me off is that I fully expect to have to work until at least my mid 70's if I'm still able and I have some small private pension provision as well. I get that times are different now and this is one of the hurdles with an age gap relationship, but I'm genuinely wondering whether I am BU and I should just cut him some slack, or he should just knuckle down for as long as possible?

I'm not sure if lack of a pension is a reason not to marry someone, or if that potentially falls into gold digger territory. Either way it's a bit late to do much about it now.

You married a man near retirement age without finding out how finances would work.

Of course a lack of pension is a reason not to marry someone. If you are not prepared to support your spouse in retirement, that's fine. But don't marry someone much older assuming they will work until they die. No agreeing on finances or not having matching views on the financial future is definitely a reason to not get married.

It sounds like you jumped in to marriage without thinking anything through.

My dad retired and did indeed start taking care of the house more and cooking. He loves all that stuff now. He always worked shifts and mum didn't work since my brother was born 40 years ago. So while dad did a bit, mum did the bulk. Mum went to work part time in a job she really wanted to do just before dad retired so now he is at home and she works. So dad does most of it.

old, the wages he will lose will equate to half his state pension.

Then he earns a really, really good salary! This conundrum makes no sense.

@Largepiecesofcrookedwood

FGS the poor bloke is nearly 70! On these type of threads, claims always come (from some,) that their 90 y.o. granny or auntie or grandad runs 50 miles a week, and works 77 hours a week, and they come out with stuff like 'they are as fit as a fiddle - in fact they can run rings around me and I am only 42!'

The reality is that many people start to feel more weary and tired at around 50 y.o. And certainly by 60-65, the physical health of many people will start to decline. (Some peoples health will start to decline as much as a decade earlier...)

So to resent your husband dropping a day of work at 67 y.o.is both bizarre, and unbelievable, and frankly, rather cruel. Me and my DH intend to retire at 60, (maybe even a couple of years earlier!) and at middle age now (50-ish) we feel more tired than we did 10 years ago. My DH dropped his hours when he hit 50, (from 40 a week to 32.)

After 35 years of full time work and looking after/providing for his family, I think he earned his stripes! Plus, we have planned for it and saved for it, and are solvent enough to have a drop in income.

I have always been part time (3 days/22 and a half hours a week,) since having our 2 kids in my late 20's. (Was full time for 10 or so years before that.) Although I have also been a homemaker as well, and did the lion's share of the housework/childcare.

The issues the OP is facing (and her poor husband) is one of the reasons age gap relationships struggle. The OP seems like she just wants her husband to stay at work because it's inconveniencing her life!

God help him if he becomes very ill, and he needs her to be his carer.

Seems fair he wants to cut back, he's doing really well to still be working and seems like he makes decent money. My own dad died of cancer at 63 and was working for as long as he mentally and physically could. It saddens me to think he didn't get to enjoy any retirement after working hard his whole life. Money isn't everything and I'd value time spent with a loved one over the finer things in life.

so if dropping not quite a day (5 hours you said) he is still earning 90% of what he was for 80% of the hours lots of people reduce hours it will actually be less than 10% drop as less tax to pay, I think living on 90% of previous income is perfectly OK at 67
I down sized from a stressful career at 50 and am working FT in a less stressful job on 50% of income, though I have a good pension I can take at 60

And he must have more income coming in than a year or so ago because of the state pension? Something doesn't add up for you to be so worried.

If pp think that 67 is too old to work they might need a reality check... I'm mid 30s and I looked up my retirement age, it's 68 and I accept that it will probably go up from there.

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP, his lack of pension is ultimately a big issue (I hope thats why he didn't marry you). It's sensible to bank the money now whilst you can and he needs to take responsibility for his lack of pension.

How fit and healthy is he? Does he want to drop the day because he is not physically up to it or because he just feels like winding down? He clearly doesn't have major health problems or he wouldnt be currently managing to work.

I think that you need to talk about if he was to drop that day what he would do. It sounds like he's got a good deal really, a young wife who will provide for him in old age, do all the housework and look after him when he needs it.

If he drops the day he needs to be taking on a lot more of the housework (over half) so the relationship is more equal. My dad is 10 years older than your dh and he still is very active with housework and the garden. He may decide that trade off isn't work it and continue working ft for a bit longer.

Just because the retirement age for younger people is going up, that doesn’t mean 67 isn’t old or that it isn’t hard to keep working at that age. It absolutely is. He’s an old man, almost 70, of course reducing hours makes sense if he can’t do it any more; you should have considered this when you got together with him.

If pp think that 67 is too old to work they might need a reality check... I'm mid 30s and I looked up my retirement age, it's 68 and I accept that it will probably go up from there.

He will be working. 4 full days. He isn't retiring. They can afford it. Just need to cut back a bit.

Again when in a couple you support eachother. You can't marry a 55 year old and then be surprised they want to work less at almost 70.

Op wasn't forced to marry him. She chose to. Knowing he would be nearing retirement age very soon.

And also one old person being fit at 20 years older, doesn't mean all are. My grandparents were going strong in their 90s. That doesn't mean every one else is.

Op you say that dh has paid into a pension but has "lost a lot of it". What does that mean? Did he pay into a company scheme that went bust? Has he checked to see whether it was insured? There's a government scheme that covers most company schemes up to 80% I think.
If he's been working in a professional field and is 67 it seems really unusual not to have any company scheme.

These are the problems that arise with such a big age gap. It often doesn't matter when the older person is 40's, 50's, but as they get older there are always issues IME. You expect to be working at his age and older, but god willing, he will be late 80's, 90's. what if he needs your care? Both my parents were dead before 70. YABU.

How could the government 'take' his personal pension? That's not how personal pensions work.

Blimey, I want to quit the moment my older dh hits 60 😬. You’re harsh.

Are there any key expenses the two of you would be willing to cut (I am thinking of my friend who won’t retire but still pays her 25yo dds phone bill and her 30yo sons train fares . )

I am still confused about this.
He gets his state pension that they are trying to save for future use.
He gets wage for working ft but by dropping one day he will lose half... Half of what?
The op implied that loss of income will have to be made up from taking money from his state pension. So by dropping his income by 1/5 he needs to top up by 4k per year from pension.
Or of course you could adjust your spending to accommodate the drop in income.
I'd compromise with a 2k top up and reduced spending.
Also if he is currently working then he must have an employer pension building up

On MN, 67 is old when it comes to working, but young when it comes to dying.

If pp think that 67 is too old to work they might need a reality check... I'm mid 30s and I looked up my retirement age, it's 68 and I accept that it will probably go up from there.

Please point to anywhere where people say he is giving up work! maybe RRTFT before having a go at other posters

YABU at 67 he should be winding down completely.

I hope I’m not working full time at 67!

I think when you chose to be with someone 20yrs older you could have anticipated this. I don't think he is being unreasonable to drop 5-6hrs as he approaches 70, god forbid but he could only have a couple of years left, life is for living not just working, especially at the late stage.

With the greatest of respect OP you've BOTH had 12 years to foresee this inevitable situation and prepare for it. Instead you've chosen to put your fingers in your ears, sing , "La, la, la" and get on with enjoying your "currently rather pleasant quality of life".

You are coming across as rather a princess who expects to be kept and pandered to, rather than an equal loving life partner.

It seems to me from various of your comments that you aren't fully clear as to how the financials stack up. I suggest you both sit down together - without blame -with a pen and paper and work out what's what and where you can save money. Money saving expert is your friend. He will lose very little money proportionately by dropping those few hours, and you are actually very lucky that that's all he wants to drop. Looking forward, if you're making such a fuss about this how are you going to cope when he wants to give up altogether, which may not be all that far away?

You are in this together, be two equal grown up partners and deal with it.

Anybody younger in this situation, please take note and prepare.

Jesus, the bloke is knocking on seventy, if he says he wants to reduce his hours, then listen to him, his well being is worth more than your lifestyle.

Expecting to work until your mid seventies is very different to actually doing it. Come back in twenty five years and see how you feel then.

My work colleague worked until he was 71 to pay for a big family holiday to America (he also regularly subsidised his adult children) . He went on the holiday and had a good time but sadly died a few months later so never got to enjoy his retirement.

Can't believe the blame OP is getting when her husband is the one who didn't get his pension properly sorted!

You sound irritated that he has no other pension, yet have been together for 12 years (when you could have encouraged him to save for retirement

So it's a wife's job to make sure her husband has an income in retirement, but he's not responsible for doing that himself?

don't marry someone much older assuming they will work until they die

Or we could say: don't marry someone much younger assuming that your lack of planning doesn't matter now because they'll work till they drop to support you in your retirement.